A. Everything you say is boring to me now.
A. I hadn’t anticipated this.
A. I liked those boring things before
A. Not just specific but in general.
A. No. Wait. … reverse it.
A. And I don’t mean that as a pejorative.
A. Boring– it’s not. I don’t see it. As a judgment term or… a, reproach?
A. It’s a flavor.
A. Like bitter or like sweet or sour.
A. Except not sweet, because, I mean.
A. I’d be lying if I said that as a taste it wasn’t acquired.
A. Boring isn’t, wasn’t something compulsively eatable.
A. I could help myself. Actually though,
A. well, no. Yes– it was.
A. In context.
A. In context
A. In context I used to love your boring.
A. Or at least like it. A lot. Genuinely.
A. Just to be present for it.
A. Just to be in it. All of it. All of the time.
A. And there was, I mean.
A. What do I mean?
A. It’s. Boring– boring is the best part. You know?
A. Was the best part.
A. I’m going on — I suppose I have more than I thought (but not really) for you.
A. Not really.
A. Because this boring is different.
A. I don’t want to say it’s flavorless because that’s insulting.
A. But that’s the only reason why.
A. It’s not nothing, it’s no anything.
A. No thing — can you dig?
A. Ugh. I had to say it, had to say it that way because, I mean.
A. This is for me.
A. You might be present but this : is all mine.
A. All me.
A. I really hadn’t anticipated the extent to which I’d have nothing for you.
Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category
A. Everything you say is boring to me now.
In lieu of writing things, which I’ve been too busy/at a complete loss for words to do, here are some of my very favorite Christmas things for the next 12 days. Doesn’t sound tempting? Keep in mind that I have impeccable taste and everything I like is excellent. OBSERVE:
DAY ONE – Paul F. Tompkins & Aimee Mann singing “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
Sang a similar version to this with a friend of mine two New Year’ses ago. It was inspired, at least on my part, by Paul F. Tompkins and Aimee Mann’s version. I took the man part and he took the Mann part. It was pretty good. A picture of that exists somewhere. Oh, it’s right…. HERE:
and, riiiight….. HERE:
aaand, not here, but …. wait for it…. H- shoot. Frick. I thought it was juOHN
OSHoot. Missed it. But this las
t one I’m ready f– oh.
The pictures don’t show it, but I was half-a-cripple at the time. I think that desperation really helped me get into character. That, and being a huge creeper.
One More Drifter In The Snow, you guys
If we want to stay in power, if we want to keep 24-38% of the nation’s wealth amongst us 1%, we’ve gotta start creating NEW dumb divisions…
Spits v. Swallows
If we’re going to stay in with the youth crowd, but also far enough back so as to seem hopelessly out of date and therefore ineffectual, we’re going to have to finally start getting more hands-on sexually. Or should I say mouths-on?1
The latest research from our youth culture division shows that Average Teen ’98 is highly invested in sucking dicks. They just can’t get enough. Not only receiving, but giving. Giving!
Now, riding the success of the circumcised vs. hooded split, I can’t overstate how sensitive and responsive an area the dick is. If we can work this tip we’ll be able to lick , wait a second. Who wrote this copy?? Allen? ALLEN!2
Asleep v. Awake
You know what’s really dragging this economy down, it’s all those do-nothing asleeps. “I cyan’t wyrork. I nyeed to tyemporyarily syusspyend cyonciousnyess and nyon-yautonyomic byodyily fyunction yn yorder tyo myaintyain pryoper yopyreration yof myy myental fyacultyies.” Lazy zzzgers.
Advantages: they should be easy to demonize as they literally do nothing. Productivity drops between 100-100.002% (undoing the labor of a well-made bed, eating 3-6 of our most industrious spiders a year, re-urinating our carfeully de-urinated sheets)3 when you sleep. Play in to race/class sensitivities here by using a real Rosario type in our squandered tucks graphics;4 I could have sworn there was some kind of rags-to-riches spider rapper my kid likes– get him too.
We’re farming similar territory as to our perennial race-baught harvest here, but with the added benefit of no victim/power gap to exploit. In this scenario, we are the ones taking on Big Shuteye. No Goliath need be manufactured, or David bullshat.5
If the fact that every single person on earth is guilty of being a filthy dozebeast gives you pause as to what leverage we’ll be able to generate with this tact, please recall our past, current and future successes re: abstinence, pornography, gayness, really all human sexuality. As always, people will be lining up to cast stones at the mirror and have them hit somebody else.6
Furthermore, the latest from our anecdotal department has found that at least 1 in 7 of them are just doing that to get out of sex you’re pretty sure well I’ll show them I’ll come on too strong to the new temp and get fired and then whose bed will you be ‘asleep’ in? A. Not Mine!7
Ultrapoor vs. Megarich
I know, I know. Poor vs. Rich is exactly what we’re trying to avoid, and we’re even less partial to the numbers on Increasingly Poor vs. Increasingly Rich. But we can’t just sleight of hand all conflict to manufactured wedge issues and powerless scapegoats.9 By moving the battlefield to the furthest extremes of wealth inequality we not only proactively redefine terms/set an agenda least likely to succeed in affecting disruptive change, we can actually even the numbers slightly– and tip the power balance nigh-infinitely– in our favor. It’s not the top 1% vs. the bottom 80%, but the top %1 of %1 versus nobody cares to count.
Advantages: The ultrapoor are not sexy. Your daughter does not want to ride away on the motorcycle with some ultrapoor Romeo/James Dean-type. A) they don’t have motorcycles, that is just the sound of their untreated TB; b) even if they did they have motorcycles they would be too loaded down with bagsful of bags and etable trash that she couldn’t fit (nor would she want to); and, c) they don’t ‘type’ by star but by smell.11
We are talking about a segment of the population most of whom are too (actually) crazy to have been able to hang by a thread with the regular poor– and the regular poor are crazy enough to support and defend us in everything we ever say or do. Against whom we will offer our most impervious, our most insulated, our most detached from society and our most impossible to understand. Hedge-fund managers, quasi-anonymous capital I ‘Investors’, heirs and heiresses, proximity to computers, (what is a) leveraged buyout… how can you fight something that isn’t anything?
Bonus: a good and easy dive to take. Ultimately we ‘lose’ and we have to allot some tax-write offs towards (society-wise) palliative medical treatment, shelters, a (genuinely) too sad ad campaign13 and are forced to reap good press and credibility. In the mean time, the ostensible arc of some dumb comedies make this generation’s Christopher McDonald look a cartoon while we build on previous race/class divisions, feat. a multiplying effect so special k that Keynes will be pissing corn flakes in his grave on our crowning achievement: the city/suburb/country triumverate.
Ultrapoor vs. Megashark
On the other hand… no. NO. Don’t give into temptation. The Coming Full-On Dystopia will be here soon enough and you will be its Leonardo. Its Newton. Its Brian Eno. All of your craziest, most hilarious, ahead of its time work will come true. Patience.
1. No. We shouldn’t. I can’t imagine what that would even mean as a figure of speech. I guess, perhaps, a more talk, less action version of hands-on? Or, to fit our context, the mouth synecdochic for ideas, and the broad manipulation of soft cultural forces in order to affect change (or squash it), as opposed to the more (figuratively) ‘hands-on’ efforts such as legislation, rights-curbs, or fomenting violence or revolution. In retrospect, Yes. We absolutely should start saying mouths-on. Keep it internal while we closed-beta/bug hunt (obviously very VERY vulnerable to cheap innuendo and mockery– but that can be a strength (see: tea-bagging) especially when abstracted enough from our cause/person so as to not be inescapable i.e. Santorum), but Yes.
YES: we are MOUTHS_ON
2. Allen has made some very hard men very — ALLEN!!!!!
3. Technically this produces approximately %0.6 of our annual shame reserves, but it still can’t recoup our loss in arachnophobia-driven house-flight-based commerce. Semper fi, you fearless mouth pioneers.
4. Also: see if we can get that Karen to have sex with me
5. Bullshot? Bullshod. You don’t need to shoe a cow. THE COW SHOES YOU
6. Previous pro-moral campaigns (Snow White, Dorian Gray) by our antagonists over at CIS have gladly failed at shattering the appeal of the magic mirror.
7. Whether this is because of you’ve been left, or can no longer afford to stealth finance your secret in-city cheatin’ condo, hey, that’s one less mouth to seed. Ew.8
8. Between-the-lines super-burn: even your ‘goomar’ has gone sweatpants and facial-(-the-bad-kind-) on your dumb dick.
9. Actually, if past experience is a reliable precursor for future results, we absolutely can. It just gets So Boring. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to hoard all this wealth and power and status to the maximized exclusion of our fellow man. I mean, you’ve popped one cherry of a future A-list Hollywood starlet10 while jet-skiing in the world’s only man-made/underground sea, you’ve popped them all.
Even Megan Mullally (some day).
10. Darryl Hannah
11.Namely: body-dominant, piss-driven, poop, and $&%^^@12
12. pronounced as uncontrollable weeping
13. Bonuser: try to get nets to play disproportionately during ad breaks on any journotainment that tries to actually try — they will change that channel so fast.
With new technological advances turning all of our gadgets against us.
With active participation in life at an all-time low, and vicariousness and voyeurism the new standard of practice.
With the creeping surveillance state allowed to operate wholly unaccountable– even when exposed– by a feckless and saginated rump republic.
Who, pray reader, will Watch the Watchers?
3:28 PM Hart Markford Elementary (adjacent)
Steven is waiting for the kids again. Always there. Sitting on the rainbow-slatted lawn chair in his front yard, a smile and a wave for each one as they walk up the hill from Hart Markford, home. He set up late this time and, in the rush, spilled his apple iced tea1 from over-stirring. It’s still half-full but his hands have turned sticky from drinking without wiping the drips. In just two minutes the bell will ring.
Imagine if 180 days a year you died and went to heaven, just to be pulled back ten minutes later to play out the rest of your vegetative state. If Michael Jackson got a funeral parade and commutation of sentence,2 then doesn’t Steven deserve his spot of tea?
4:16 PM Bedroom, night
Alex isn’t a good person. He shouldn’t be doing this. He knows that he shouldn’t be doing this, and yet. Alex has a pocket full of staples. He pushes his hands into them during. He keeps plenty3 of lotion in his other pocket because he never learned that that’s not what you use to clean wounds. It’s in the medicine cabinet, isn’t it? Alex continues to push.
7:31 PM 112 N Bishop Ave, Chula Vista, CA
WHEEL! Of! FORTUNE! Mark picked moo shu pork this time and a small order of string beans. Two down, four to go. Michelob. His fork is congealing in the bean box as he waits for Vanna to turn the first letter. Well, touch. Ish. It gets harder and harder to get hard for this. If only DVRs had existed back when she actually had to work for it. Actually had to spin them with her actual hand. His other hand strays towards the Toss Across board strapped to the side of his recliner and touches what she touches. He turns his letters.
8:17 PM Factory
Good. Good. Good. Good. Fine. Good. Ok. Good. Good. Good. Stop. “Pull the Chain!”
9:49 PM Outside of 1941 E 20th St, Wilmington, DE
He doesn’t like that he’s with her. Not him, him. Up there. He thinks ‘s pretty sure he’s up there with her. The tv flickers over the couch but he doesn’t buy it. Not for a second. There’s no way they’re watching something so …flashing. But why leave the tv on? Obviously, it could be that, but…
They always talked about the environment and had agreed that humanity do everything possible to save it, given it’s absolute importance vis a vis their future. They’d both committed to brushing with the tap off, using every dish (at least) twice, only showering together, and putting a bunch of rocks in the toilet tank.45 He’d even convinced her to switch from round bulbs to that curly pigtail kind. She wouldn’t just leave the tv on like that, not after they spent so much coming to their compact about turning the lights off when leaving the apartment even if its just to go do a smoke. But now the tv is on and no one is on the couch watching it. Nothing about this feels right at all. He sheaths his bushnells and slips the case back under the overgrowth. He draws the strings of his hooded.
1:33 AM 9th & Henry
These two cops are loving the SHIT out of this stake-out. Good coffee, low stakes (always a plus), donuts (natch), plus McNichols’ daughter got married over the weekend so they have all this extra cocktail shrimp– like three Igloos full. All signs are pointing to the deal going down tomorrow night. Pretty much all the perps left for the clubs at 1, and two of the three guys who stuck around are on payroll. They’re laughing, they’re talking shit about the Giants/Eagles, they’re prank calling patrol cars, they’re singing along to Cheap Trick,6 they’re singing along to Journey,7 Supertramp.8 They are having shrimp contests9 and telling ghost stories – both of which are way scarier with that super-strong police flashlight.
TWIST ENDINGS: trying to cheat death in the first place was what ultimately resulted in your death; the thing you said three times in the mirror that was supposed to summon a really bad demon to kill you didn’t but then when you said it the fourth time (dismissively) it did!; the call wasn’t just coming from inside your house – it was coming from you!/?; you chose not to untie the yellow ribbon and all you got to show for it was a maggoty penis; your two fellow officers got killed because they got caught looking out at you telling ghost stories which are about dead people!
Somebody called his ex-boyfriend ‘a terrorist’ 12 times on a drunk dial.10 Somebody left a really enthusiastic voicemail about how good Among the Living is.11 Somebody twut the president (death words)!12 A small child, skyping her grandma to show off what she’d just learned, forgot 10.13 Somebody opted-out. Somebody opted-in.14 Somebody used Facebook. Somebody kept calling their chapstick lip balm (even though it is (clearly, explicitly) ChapStick® brand chapstick). Somebody’s iPhone ringtone is “You Dropped A Bomb On Me” by the Gap Band but they also wanted to plane.15
A tree fell in the woods. When it struck the ground it sounded suspiciously like, well. Here. Have a listen– “…crrrkkkkshhkkrCKKROOOSHkkAMMABrlNLaaRRRDNMmrkkrrsshhhhhh…”. Weird, huh?
Wait. Shut up a second. Shit.
Somebody played jihad in words for friends. It was rejected, of course (foreign language, proper noun?), but that could be the cover. Quick, direct, no way to trace it. Unless, of course, you’re being kibbutzed by the all-kibbutzing [REDACTED].
8:23 AM Factory
Good. Good. Good. Ok. Good.
1Horizontal slices of apple (8, brown-sugar cured) flavor a slightly weak plain iced tea.
2for Nostalgic Songcraft
3Two tubes, hotel size
4Though even that commitment was tested by several overheard instances of multi-flush visits.5
5“Waste is already waste, why double/triple/quadruple down?” and “Shame is as futile as it is fuedal– don’t let the fief ‘manors’ lord over you. Do Not Vassalate.” [?]
9McNichols fit 13 in his mouth at once (tails out); Garrity popped 47-in-a-row clean out of the tail using just two fingers
10The post-adjustment sobriety-neutral magic number!
11Look it up!/jk, the only person who could have possibly left that voicemail has already committed suicide and was convicted deemed guilty in abstentia. Of hearing that album. CASE CLOSED.
12“@BarackObama yr brain-dead debt ceiling negotiation ‘tactics’ will only serve to hasten the slow death of the social safety net/middle class” 140 exactly! (Efficient!)
13…7, 8, 9…
14Real enthusiastic about it. Like, really.
15The opposite of deplane