Swum Swans

December 20 2011

I really wanted to do something with Comedy Options starring Rob Huebel’s awesome cover of (the dog version of) Jingle Bells, but apparently it is not online in a linkable form. So, go get it at earwolf [http://store.earwolf.com/collections/featured/products/the-complete-comedy-bang-bang-christmas-collection] I guess, and deal with this instead:

I genuinely like the song, but, I mean, c’mon.

Also, let’s say, this one:

It’ll come in handy as a reference point later. Speaking of which:

It’s probably better when it’s just Dolly Parton singing, or…

Oh, also this won’t fit anywhere elsewise and is one of my all time favorites:

“Ahh, that kills me. That’s totally festive.”

and, finally, this nonsense:

BAG: GRABBED

TWO BONUS CHRISTMAS COMEDY THINGS (to make it an even seven)

Enjoy!

Another Lonely Christmas

December 19 2011

I’m going to see Prince tonight!

So, even though this isn’t all that great, and barely about Christmas, THIS:

Pre witnessing Jehovah / sorry, geese-a-laying / six geese a LAYING!

 

PRINCE!!!!

O Holy Night Off

December 18 2011

It’s a classic. As beautiful as it is fucking nuts. Pompous as hell, or heaven– whichever one you think is more pompous. Harps are awful gilt, white the most supercilious unicolor design scheme, and have you even heard the names all those angels have? Sure, your Gabes and Mikes aren’t too bad, but Malachi? Seraphim? Sandalphon? Armisael? The One That Was An Eye With Those Goofy Eye Arms That Looked Like It Was Bought In A Lonely Housewife Doo-Dad Shop Circa 1991? Ludwig von Bi-tooven? Space Diamond? Every Single One Of Us I Guess?

"I really hope this isn't what wipes out humanity"

For some reason, no one's yet photoshopped a Santa hat onto Ode to Joy Kaworu...

While a different flavor of pomp from the oppressive tastefulness of Heaven’s gated community Christmas, Hell contrasts as an impressive vanside tableau of ridiculous and overblown production. And just as fussy, with its rings and themed floors and ironic punishments and nonsense hierarchies long that have long outlast whatever logic went into ordering them suchlike. Really…

  •     killing yourself is worse than killing hundreds of people who aren’t you?1
  •     and flattery is worse than either?2
  •     being gay is just as bad as owning and operating a Check Into Cash?3
  •     and checking your horoscope is just as bad as claiming to be the second coming (knowing full well you’re just premature pantsplatter)?4
  •     and dying before the year zero BCAD is just as bad as being a Hindu?5
  •     uh, how come waxing your car is one of the worst things you can do?
Waxy lady

Maybe because it makes you super lustworthy to the tiniest of waisted-dames?

But I digress. Pompousness (third circle, probably?) isn’t such a deal. It can work real well when the performance and tone are up to it. And what mortarboard-free circumstance is more deserving of pomp than the birth of your BabyGod? Maybe some dumb urn? Other than that I can’t think of one. So here’s to “O Holy Night,” the most pompous song about an outdoors birth ever.

!!!O HOLY NIGHT OFF!!!

Round One: Kid Division

Aled Jones

Wow. First out of the box and we’ve got a real front-runner. What a beautiful voice– really makes a shame out of how dumb all those angel names are, and OH. OHGOD. What The Hell Is That?!? Why are you shooting it from that angle? Did it’s tooth just sparkle???? Is that some kind of threat? What’s to stop a man from eating you once he’s shown himself willing and able to eat his own jawline? God, just turn it off. What a disappointment!

A little girl

Eh. That’s fine I guess. It’s def solid. I’m rill worried about those looks to the camera, but at least I didn’t have to watch her turn into the future Quiz Kid Donnie Smith version of herself halfway through the video. Nope. Everything depressing about her adulthood is pure speculation at this point. What a relief-ish!

Winner: A little girl

 

Round Two: Lilith Fair Bracket

Jewel

That is a lot of instruments to do so little, they way underplay the bombast, and Jewel is not a particularly gifted or interesting singer, BUT she is wearing ridiculous leather pants so she’s not totally out of it yet. I’m not number one at fashion, but that can’t be a thing, right? Black top, brown leather pants, black clompity-heel boots? Nothing says Christmas quite like dressing like the water in a paintbrush rinse cup.

Tracy Chapman

Having only heard the first half minute, even though it is entirely ‘ee-ees’ that frankly fit neither the song nor (even) the next four minutes of this version, it’s still better than whatever it was that Jewel did (which was the epitome of forgettable insofar as I have forgotten it). This take might be half a Renn Faire but it’s at least the music half, not the shitty costume half.

Winner: Tracy Chapman

 

Round Three: Opera Nonsense

Celtic Women

Is this opera? I guess I just meant hi-falutin choral stuff. Real heaven-aesthetic tedium. Do they have good voices? I can’t tell. They certainly seem to be able to hit the notes they want to hit and project them, but are those the only criteria you have to meet in order to be considered good at singing in the extended world of People Who Can Actually Sing-Play Music And/Or Are Big Into Proficiency (i.e. real Benaroya Hall types but also musical fans probably (haut & bas))? These ladies flavorlessly achieve a kind of perfection as vanilla and unique as their equally unflattering (and sinless) dresses.6

Some Tenor

A tenor– that’s opera, right? Or at least opry? What exactly is happening on that stage? He’s cheesing it up pretty good, but he’s at least trying at it 103% as if it’s a real Thing to him. Plus he’s got a Marcus Bachmann quality that I find pretty appealing. When he invents a new and different note to explode right before the climax and then through the end, I’m on board. I probably wouldn’t go quite so Baptist as the crowd there about it, but I’d def get on my feet. And of my free will and not just out of socialized politeness even. He wins.

Winner: Some Tenor

 

Round Four: Guitar Bullshit

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

I do not appreciate the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. If I had to rank Orchestras in order of personal preference, it would go: Electric Light, The Young Person’s Guide to the (as narrated by Leonard Bernstein), all regular orchestras, Trans-Siberian, and Control Engine. FUCK Linux.

Weezer(?)

But at least what they do is still something. Unlike this Weezer version, which is nothing. Is this even them? A: It is not anything and therefore it can neither be nor not be them. Fart.

Winner: Trans-Siberian Orchestra

 

Round Five: Late 90s Pop Bubble

*Nsync

… more brown Christmas leather. Is there a tradition I’m missing? Like, some manger C-story about how the cow gave of his own flesh so that the Baby Jesus could have calfskin booties? Did they have cows in the desert? Can you make camel leather?  If not, then what does the middle east have instead of leather? I bet they had oxen. I bet they have ox leather. Fording joke. Anyways, this isn’t so bad. Too many ‘ooh-ooh-ooh’ trill(?)y parts, but they do the job. I like the bass part.

Christina Aguilera

I’m not sure what her hands are supposed to be communicating. Being on drugs, probably. Or just general discomfort and disorientation at having to wear person clothes. She really faces those last few notes out. Maybe schizophrenia?

Winner: *Nsync

 

Round Six: Comedy Option

South Park

Not that funny, but I do enjoy prod humor. The fill / attempt to mask forgetting the words is well-observed. Ugh. I don’t like who I am right now breaking this down. It’s fine!

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

Studio 60 never fails to crack me up. What crazy antics will their cast of hyper-serious ciphers get up to next! But, um, this version *is* a little worth a damn. Studio 60– Better Than South Park at: Brass Ensembles, Employing John Ennis, and Threatening Amanda Peet With Your Shitty Love.

Winner: Studio 60    [UPSET!]

Round Seven: Divasion (I’m Sorry)

Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston

So they fucked each other pretty sweet and thorough, I guess. Good for them, revisiting young lust in the context of celebrating the birth of the Lord.7 I wanted to like this more than I did. I like Aretha Franklin, I love what of Billy Preston I know, but this is good not great. I guess this song isn’t really a piano showcase, but what’s Aretha’s excuse? I’m not so familiar with her career, was there a sort of washed up stretch and then this was that? Or maybe a throat injury? She is really struggling even to bail on those notes. I guess she could just not care that much. Is she wearing a hair hat?

Celene Dion

As much as I wanted to like the Aretha Franklin/Billy Preston version I wanted to not like this but she does a pretty good job. It doesn’t quite live up to my weird pathological need to have these folks really destroy that big no… oh no, wait. It’s still going. Here it comes… Noel? Ugh. I don’t care for this even a little. Go Back To Quebec!!

Winner: Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston    [PARDONED BY FRENCH!]

 

Round Eight: Croon-off

Nat King Cole

A voice with a quality! What a treat / thank our tiny, slimy, just-unumbilicaled God! Goes polite on “night divine,” more restraint than I want, but class act all the way and an actual unqualified good job at it.

Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae

Olde Timee TV footage: + 8 million points. That Walt Disney lookin’ moustache: +6 million points. The Men Duet Square Shoulder 20 Degree Head In-Tilt: +7 million points. PLUS THEY GO FOR IT.

Winner: Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae    [DETHRONED!]

 

Quarterfinals

Trans-Siberian Orchestra vs. A little girl
That Trans-Siberian Orchestra guy is real good at playing guitar, but that A little girl is equally good at not being in Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Winner: A little girl

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip vs. Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston
It’s ironic: the version by the all-time great soul singer and the legendary session pianist is funnier than the version from the comedy show (well, show about comedy) while the version from the show that couldn’t Be More disappointing isn’t. Winner: Studio 60

Some Tenor vs. Tracy Chapman
CHASE: CUT Winner: Some Tenor

*Nsync vs. Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae
7 Dudes a-harmonizing. Picture them together, deciding how to run it. *Nsync is definitely arranged in a semi-circle behind these two. Then label people make them change. Then Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae served our country in Word War Fucking II and the only service the *Nsync kids ever did in was -ing Lou Perlman. Also their version is worse. Winner: Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae

 

Semi-Finals

Studio 60 vs. A little girl : There is something that just feels right about Studio 60 getting beat by a 7 year old girl. Winner: A little girl

Some Tenor vs. Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae : I don’t want to spoil anything, but this is the real finals. Ultimately though, out of all of these versions, only Some Tenor sung the fuck out of it (a) and (b) won me the farthest over. Bonus: on third watch, really loving the piano guy Going For It. THIS is what Christmas is– Fucking Ridiculous and (Selma Jezkova Style) Camera Real Big And Up Out Of The Roof slightly decrepit opulence. Winner: Some Tenor

DANCER IN THE DARK BREAK!

DANCER IN THE DARK BREAK!

 

Finals

And the winner of the first annual “O Holy Night” Off is … Bing Crosby!
C’mon. Are you kidding me?

Bing kills it. Plus you should have suspected something was up when there was a crooner category and it didn’t have him in it. Bing from the rafters, Bing with the folding chair. Der Bingle, from the top rope, or from behind with a belt, beating that song like he provided it with chromosomes.

The ref is too busy watching to care.
————————-

1. suicide = “violent against self”: 7th circle, middle ring; murder = “violent against people and property”: 7th circle, outer ring
2. flattery: the eighth circle’s second ditch on the basis that it is fraudulent; if someone’s B but’s got a saggy gut and bad skin and dumb eyes DO NOT stipulate that they are BW– Your Eternal Soul Depends On It!
3. sodomy v. usury = both “violent against nature” (7th circle, inner ring)
4. astrologers v. false prophets: eighth circle, fourth ditch
5. all unbaptized go (at best) to Limbo regardless of virtue
6. I REALLY didn’t think this thing was going to be so mean-spirited!
7. Note: huh, turns out Billy Preston got arrested for sexually assaulting a 16 year old Mexican boy he hired as a day laborer in 1991. So, I guess I misread that interaction…

Drummers Drumming?

December 17 2011

Before I could stay up as late as I wanted, before moving out of the house, I used to tape things I otherwise couldn’t access. Not every night, and I used the same tapes over and over again. I was the friend with the Simpsons mix tape– the VHS with all the best episodes. We’d watch them over and over until all the lines stuck. Until we could tell which episode it was from the first shot after the credits, let alone the first act inciting/fake plot. If they’re in church about to sing I. Ron Butterfly it’s “Bart Sells His Soul”; if they’re having a yard sale it’s “Two Bad Neighbors.” Season Seven, you guys– only idiots and prudes think it was all downhill after season 4 (slash 5 slash 6).

Anyways, it was mostly Conan (and later Adult Swim) that I’d tape. I wish I still had the VHS’s so I could watch classics like “Battle of the Billionaires” or “Puppets’ Last Words Channel” or the Late Night Third or Fifth Anniversary Special or Polly the NBC Peacock. Of these things only the 5th Anniversary Special still exists in internet clip form (“My clips…“), and any trace of Polly The NBC Peacock’s existence seems to have been scoured from the face of the earth. That was on so many times and was so good! You dumb idiots! Oh no wait I lied — IT”S THE STAMATOPOULEST!!!

 

Bonus clip/check THIS out:

Thank God for Sadaam Hussein

Woah!

 
The point is, two of my favorite Christmas things are from an episode of Conan I taped when and then watched over and over again when I was 15 or so. Conan’s unbridled delight in getting to control that insane robotic Santa and the undecorated couple’s matter of fact dismissal of the ice toilet. What else do you want from Christmas? If your answer was either a) Santa taking a dog from behind in his gift sack or b) a Trumpeter Terl then don’t worry. You Have Been Taken Care Of:

And then, after that, there is something so damn charming about Tom Hanks, at the peak of his super stardom, putting up with getting dumped on like that seemingly on the basis of just liking Conan a lot.

When life offers you a dog skeleton, you grab it and run.

Merry 4th Day of Christmas

 

 

 

P.S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secrets

Day Three

December 16 2011

Le temps de la poule francaise

Yesterday really got away from me. What we need is a return to clean lines and classic design. Something crisp and punchy and to the point. Something that completely speaks for itself.

 

a bientot!

 

 

Here’s a fun lesson: I used Google Translate to find out what the word for hen was in French and it turns out that all female animals are prostitute. What a treat! A culture for which the entire animal world is one big Guinean maid!

 

GOOD LUCK (BON CHANCE?) ALL FRENCH LADIES!!

On the second day of Christmas

December 15 2011

I don’t believe in miracles because-i-mean-c’mon But who doesn’t love a good Christmas-context miracle!? Christopher Hitchens!? Well then I’m glad he’s dead. (Just guessing that by midnight he’ll have died).

One of a bunch of real good moments from that Sesame Street Christmas Special — Cookie Monster Santa Letter, Bert and Ernie Gift of the Magi, Big Bird Beak Icicle, Snap The Whip [go to 7:11 (but it’s all good)], and maybe one that will show up later probably. I catch myself singing it a little every now and then, often when holiday inappropriate, and sometimes I’ll share as it’s a pretty good one to just bust out off-season. Try it– you can really enunciate the “I – don’t know – what one  – is” part and rush together the “andifthatisn’t” and it’s great.

A small list of other True Blue Miracles

Ethel
My new Christmas Sweater
I can fly back and forth from Los Angeles three times for, like, $15 total.

Thanks, spending everything I earn!

———————–

BONUS: check out what THIS FAMILY is up to:

I wish I had traditions! Other than watching Boogie Nights every Thanksgiving. Boy they really like Dunkin Donuts. (They’re not that good you guys– they’re just regular donuts!)

Also: did the grandpa get hair? Is that his miracle? Fuck the Giants.
(Important: I do enjoy this thing (just fuck the Giants (and Dunkin Donuts is only ok (and did the homeless kid freeze to death? (Is THAT the miracle? (dark!)))))…).

———————–

What else counts as a miracle?
How bout making a clock work despite a bad turkey infestation, chronic mice atheism, and a severe lack of pupils?

Just because they have no way of taking in images doesn’t mean they don’t have hands. Miracle Hands:

I like that the members of the family pronounce miracle both ways– Jeff Mangum style mEEracles [note: he’s even wearing a Christmas Sweater!] and melk-white (la) mer-acles. The kind of improbable thing that only happens Under the Sea. I guess that would also be ‘Doug Benson doing Buffalo Bill’ style murr-acles.

Anyways, Christmas Miracles– even Trey Parker and Matt Stone know it

Nobody wants to be consistent about pronouncing this dumb thing and none of us can.

———————–

I don’t really have a third thing, and feel I should. So here are a bunch of inferior candidates and why they aren’t the one… three:

Not very miraculous; little to no singing.

Too Korean.

Not Korean enough.

UGH– Why Can’t They Just Figure Out The Right Korea Balance!?!?

Ahh. Finally./?

N…o?

Oh now you’re not even trying.

Eh… I’ll take it!

 

 

HOORAY

 

 

 

 

Really threw myself into it there at the end.