Animal Kama Sutra, part one
- The Queen Ant: stick out that butthole and let loose the pheromones.1 Proceed to get plowed by multiple dudes/ladies with equipment, fists.
- The Angler Fish: requires smaller man, larger woman; complete and utter absorption of the tiny male2 until only nutsack is exposed.
- The Blanket Squid: j off into a ziploc bag; sneak this bag in some lady’s pocket3; go die.
- The Candiru: sounding with thorns/a sword or knife with pneumatic/retractable spurs;4 never let go; do not relent until mutual death.
- The Four-Eyed Reef Octopus: 1. get pregnant 0. while wearing glasses (duh) 2. find a cave 3. live in it 4. don’t leave 5.after your kid is born, die.5
- The A School of Mackerel: travel across the country– a road trip– getting to know each other. Adventures happen, conversations and songs and moments and such. A relationship matures. Then, in a cheap motel, or a tent in the woods, or the car itself, all of a sudden, at the same time, the female releases (externally) her egg and the male his sperm.6 Men: make sure it lands on the egg.
- The A School of Mackerel: a human school– a procreative team/two or more copulational units merged into a single reproductive battalion– embark on a coming of coming journey as described above. Everything is perversely chaste until some prosaic, ineffable7 command– a shift in the cloud cover, the carbonated snap of a backbent pop can tab, microwave convenience store three pound taquito ding– triggers the “pub(l)ic option”. Aka f’n.
- All over each other: Overflowing with material.8
- Frogs: or, amplexus: from behind, squeeze your lover/someone else’s lover/something shaped somewhat like a human being, like you are performing the Heimlich maneuver (but hotter). Sex Heimlich– continue until eggs occur or you are suplexed.9
- The Paedophage: kiss so deeply that you devour her eggs, young. [A picture of a side flayed10 couple kissing, the male’s tongue squiggling down the throat, through the lungs and into the stomach, down intestines directly into the womb. A child’s placemat maze]
- Epitoky: runaway womb!11
- Odontosyllis: fifty seven minutes after sunset, three days after the first full moon of July,12 all the single ladies put their cloud of bioluminescent mucus up; the men rush to put on a ring on it. AKA swim around each other shedding gametes.
- Fireworms: ball together into a debauched sphere of hedonistic sexual abandon, whose center is everywhere and its circumference nowhere13
- Daphnia: Totally Lez Out14
3Preferably one 40,000 times your size
4A D’k tahg would work perfectly (but, you know, narrower)
5Inside, a little more with every milestone met (your job that much further past finished)
6You will most likely need to employ the services of a uterine scraping technician, or some kind of ovulation spatula
8Rough sketches of first drafts.
10That playing card/medical diagram/hieroglyphic (impossible) 3/4 profile
13It may be that sexual history is the history of the different intonations given a handful of positions
14Until lack of genetic diversity requires the occasional male