Posts Tagged ‘3D Undersea Adventure’

Animal Kama Sutra, part one (First Draft)

December 14 2009

Animal Kama Sutra, part one

  • The Queen Ant: stick out that butthole and let loose the pheromones.1 Proceed to get plowed by multiple dudes/ladies with equipment, fists.
  • The Angler Fish: requires smaller man, larger woman; complete and utter absorption of the tiny male2 until only nutsack is exposed.
  • The Blanket Squid: j off into a ziploc bag; sneak this bag in some lady’s pocket3; go die.
  • The Candiru: sounding with thorns/a sword or knife with pneumatic/retractable spurs;4 never let go; do not relent until mutual death.
  • The Four-Eyed Reef Octopus: 1. get pregnant 0. while wearing glasses (duh) 2. find a cave 3. live in it 4. don’t leave 5.after your kid is born, die.5
  • The A School of Mackerel: travel across the country– a road trip– getting to know each other. Adventures happen, conversations and songs and moments and such. A relationship matures. Then, in a cheap motel, or a tent in the woods, or the car itself, all of a sudden, at the same time, the female releases (externally) her egg and the male his sperm.6 Men: make sure it lands on the egg.


  • The A School of Mackerel: a human school– a procreative team/two or more copulational units merged into a single reproductive battalion– embark on a coming of coming journey as described above. Everything is perversely chaste until some prosaic, ineffable7 command– a shift in the cloud cover, the carbonated snap of a backbent pop can tab, microwave convenience store three pound taquito ding– triggers the “pub(l)ic option”. Aka f’n.
  • All over each other: Overflowing with material.8
  • Frogs: or, amplexus: from behind, squeeze your lover/someone else’s lover/something shaped somewhat like a human being, like you are performing the Heimlich maneuver (but hotter). Sex Heimlich– continue until eggs occur or you are suplexed.9
  • The Paedophage: kiss so deeply that you devour her eggs, young. [A picture of a side flayed10 couple kissing, the male’s tongue squiggling down the throat, through the lungs and into the stomach, down intestines directly into the womb. A child’s placemat maze]
  • Epitoky: runaway womb!11
  • Odontosyllis: fifty seven minutes after sunset, three days after the first full moon of July,12 all the single ladies put their cloud of bioluminescent mucus up; the men rush to put on a ring on it. AKA swim around each other shedding gametes.
  • Fireworms: ball together into a debauched sphere of hedonistic sexual abandon, whose center is everywhere and its circumference nowhere13
  • Daphnia: Totally Lez Out14





2By folds

3Preferably one 40,000 times your size

4A D’k tahg would work perfectly (but, you know, narrower)

5Inside, a little more with every milestone met (your job that much further past finished)

6You will most likely need to employ the services of a uterine scraping technician, or some kind of ovulation spatula

7, contradictory

8Rough sketches of first drafts.


10That playing card/medical diagram/hieroglyphic (impossible) 3/4 profile


12Or June

13It may be that sexual history is the history of the different intonations given a handful of positions

14Until lack of genetic diversity requires the occasional male


Fish Kisses Part III – Anemone, Clownfish, Hermit Crab, Baltic Squid

October 19 2009

Anemone:  Did you know that Sea Anenomes can swim away from predators? What the fuck? That’s like if corn could beat feet every time harvest came around. Think of the children and their stupid Sadie Hawkins dances that won’t work! Or Homecoming? I wasn’t popular. 

  1. Open your mouths.

  2. Wider than that.

  3. No. Too wide.

  4. Ok, good.

  5. Press your lips against each others’ lips.

  6. Create a loose seal that you can quaver, make flexing motions with.

This is called the Sea Anenome’s Prom(ise Ring), or: The Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.



Clownfish:  Whether crying or glimmering a murderous glint from underneath a sewer grate, clowns are horrifying. Awful, awful creatures. In this simulation YOU1 will dress up in the bizarre, baggy, brightly-hued outfit of the professional clown– a costume long since having outlast whatever sliver of significance or meaning it might have ever meant– and, absent-mindedly, standing as lax and slack as humanly possible, flitter your lips against each others’ as if feeding off floating flakes.2

Occasionally dart. Occasionally honk the horn you’ve let hang limp at your side while you, dispirited, ‘kiss’ with just your lips and face. The Riverdance of making out (but with clowns).


Hermit Crab:  Your tongue lives in a shell inside your date’s mouth. It is fed by your date; colorful gravel pieces and, perhaps, a castle are added to keep it happy. It thrives.

Over time it grows larger, requiring a new shell. There are, unfortunately, parenthetically, no other shell-bearing creatures in your date’s face– not any that could shed a shell large enough to accommodate your still-growing tongue.

Unaware of its predicament, your tongue keeps growing, gets fatter and longer. It starts to press uncomfortably against the walls of its home; it starts to clip the edges of the shell and get cut. Soon soreness becomes the status quo and the wounds from the shell’s smooth lip start to ulcerate and flower with whitish-yellow foam, and crust. The tongue is trapped now: even if a new shell somehow appeared, the tongue would be unable to leave its cramped mausolehome to take advantage. It has resigned itself to death and it does, soon after, die.

It rots there for three days until the date’s mom notices it flipped over and floating in your date’s soup. She replaces it with a tongue that looks almost exactly the same.


Baltic Squid:  A fictional beast known to “suck the bolts out of a submarine’s hull,” the Baltic Squid’s non-existence should not preclude it from being celebrated in the form of trying a gross and remarkably inefficient/non-erotic new way to kiss. This scenario sees the couple intent to remove, through the sheer power of tongue and suction, each other’s crowns, bridgework, partial dentures, orthodontic miscellany, and fillings. The extracted oral architecture is to be spit into a pestle and, when the make out has finished, ground into a fine dust. This dust will then be sold to buy old drugs.3


Alternate Ending:  If you take this dust to the dentist within 36 hours, he or she should probably be able to smelt it down into an all-purpose mouth goop/some kind of magical teeth panacea, which he can then use to fix upwards of two-thirds of the damage you re-caused to each other. Baltic Squid!






2That’s the fish part.

3Mostly expired vicodin and some laudanum.

They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Oyster, Dolphin, Seahorse, Ray, Manta Ray, Sea Cucumber

October 14 2009

Oyster:  Known worldwide, maybe, as an aphrodisiac, the oyster is one of the most sensual kisses a date can give another date. Apricot. Any lonely single who can master this ancient erotic art is guaranteed not to be single for very long, and any lonely betrothed who takes it upon themselves to add this luxurious act to their bedroom repertoire in order to spice up their long dormant sex life will find they have a leg up on the competition when their discontent in their terrible relationship inevitably sends them into the arms of another.

          Like any highly prized skill, the oyster’s kiss is simple to learn, but requires dedication, an incredibly strong jaw, and durable teeth to master. First: fill your mouth with cum. Then, when you start to kiss, refuse to open your mouth– just lock it down tighter than <comedy option>! Confused, your date will try multiple face approaches, assuming you mean to meet their kiss but they’ve screwed up some how– do not meet it! They will then laugh about it, partly due to the awkwardness of the situation, partly in an attempt to trick you into opening your mouth– do not fall for it! In their frustration, and feeling justifiably insulted, they will then try to open your jaw with their hands [and force their way in]– cut their fingers with your long calcified chin and philtrum!/. The next part is where your dedication and long hours of practice pay off as, hurt both physically and emotionally, your date will try to pry open your mouth with a tool– a screwdriver (if you’re lucky), or a hammer (if you’re reading this at a hospital, desperately trying to figure out ‘what happened’ and ‘where are you’).
          If they manage to slip the screwdriver between your lips and, somehow, after removing years of accumulated plaque (the mouth’s first line of defense) and yard upon yard of gum tissue, find a way to fit their blood-stained tool between your clamped teeth– open up and show them what they’ve won! Spit the cum all over their face! It was your pearl!

Get it!?


Dolphin:  A dolphin is not a fish; it is a mammal. Do not kiss.


Seahorse:  The elegant aquatic equus, tender trans-man of the sea, to capture the majesty of the genus hippocampus is foremost a matter of shaping your body into an s-like hook, demuring down your head, extending your mouth as far as it can reach from your face and touching it to somebody else’s, preferably while emitting tiny bubbles (somehow).

          Later, if you have kids, the dad will have to carry them. A lot/in his arms– I’m not asking for the impossible here. A picture of an overcooked hot dog splitting apart in the microwave.1


Ray:  Ray drives a van in the back of which are strewn buckets and pieces of scaffolding and ladders. He paints houses. Does weather sealing. Cleans gutters. In this town he has done work for almost everyone and everyone knows who he is. A girl is molested. He has white paint in his van and spent rollers and stiff brushes stiff from paint. He has no family and lives in a garagetop apartment on the outskirts of town.2


Manta Ray:  Skin flaps. Skates and rays are best known for their body made out of skin flaps and their long pointed tail. Make your mouth wide– make your mouth as wide as you can while still maintaining a certain slackness, and while still being able to purse, somewhat, your lips. Apply these lips to a complimentary pair. Once pressed together– and this may be difficult– ripple your lips on and inside each others’. Ripple them like a ray’s body might while gliding undersea.

And then, out of nowhere, dart your tongue– sharp like a barb, or at least rolled as slim and pointed as possible– into their mouth. Into their gums or, inside their gums, into the side of their interior cheek.
          Glide, stiff and hunting, along the outside of the teeth. Look for an opening to leap from the water and strike/impale the uvula, ripping it from this world in the prime of its life, widowing its wife3 and orphaning its child.4 YOU MOTHER FUCKER, RAY!5


Sea Cucumber:  Hot cloaca on cloaca action!




1An entry on seahorses without a single reference to Junior— ten points to Hufflepuff!

2Of course it was a family member; of course the one incident, once public, sparked two past cases to resurface and then two more and he never escapes the taint of accusation.

3That string that goes from the base of the back of the bottom row of teeth to, presumably, where the tongue starts.

4An eight year old deposit of built up inter-molar tartar. Gross.

5I Will Cut Off Your Dick And Feed It To Your Ass! And Then To Your Face! (Your Face Ass!)!/.