Posts Tagged ‘A bit.’

The Only (26) Thing(s) We Have To (HAVE TO) Fear

April 6 2010

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief, that The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is

Adolf Hitler1

Boxcutters2

Cigarettes34

Delano Franklin, my evil twin567

Errol Flynn’s swarthy good looks8910

Flue sticks shut and Fireside Chat asphyxiates the Cabinet11

Gingivitis12

Homunculi who deliver my blood cells grow dissatisfied with their arterial captivity, chew their way out1314

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Japanese-American children15

Kevin16

Loofahs1718

Making a mistake1920

Nightmares– they’re, by definition, frightening21

Origami carrier pigeons2223

Pubic speaking24

Quail becoming sentient and turning against us25

Rosebud!26

Scared-being-of2728

Tiny frogs!29303132

Ultraviolet light33

Velociraptors34

Women35

Xanadu, where Kublai Kahn did no wait3637

Yalta quotes coming back to haunt me3839

Zygodactyls40

41

——————————————–

———————

1That guy is a maniac! Those soldiers of his shoot real guns with actual bullets!

2apparently…

3Keep them as far away from your face as you can.4

4Invent a holder to do so.

5Also: Deleanor, my homely, cross-dressed alter-ego6

6When Eleanor is away, Deleanor comes out to playTM7

7(Why would I trademark that?)?

8I better wrap this blanket around my bone-zone so Winston and Josef don’t laugh at my wrinkled old japesmaker!9

9I can still get boners right?10

10… I forget how polio works.

11Henry Morgenthau Jr., no!

12Teeth are our greatest naturally occurring resource. You only get two shots at this– make at least one of them count. Preferably the latter… I digress.

13If you love one million tiny somethings, set them free– if they induce a cerebral hemorrhage chewing their way out of your face, well then you probably shouldn’t have listened to me. Sorry !( 14

14(sad wink)

15Don’t take your eyes off of them or they’ll sublimate into a hundred cranes and thieve all your microfiche

16[eyes narrow] Kevin [teeth grit]

17They are, basically, spawnpoints for Enterococcus, Pseudomonas, and other Bacterial Disease; they are, totally, camping your continences18

18(pronounced with a long ‘e’– continenc-ees)

19Don’t fuck up!20

20(You failure.)

21Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to escape this tiger made out of bees…

22Take away their paper!23

23And angles!

24Gross/is that a weiner-slash-fanny-[UK] that talks or you just getting down there and telling all your secrets/talking head

25“So the hunter has become the SQWRAURK”

26Was that me?

27Anonymous, poorly thought out, sloppily formatted artifact-destroying black instant– crippling our compulsories, rendering second breakfast into Ron Carver28

28Finally! My mandle’s arrived [nostril-expoding sniff] smells like [both white sausage and monkey bread are offensive; thank Bavaria for ruining my clever/incomprehensible joke]!

29So small. And full of poison.30

30Crawling all over my nude body.31

31Tickling the back of my sinuses.32

32Spelunking for my yellow wealth.

33A man’s wheelchair is his castle. Or at least his dungeon.

34Clevah gull

35Clevah gulls

36That’s William Randolph Hearst again37

37The cuss of it all!

38}Noooo-blessssse obliiiiiiige{39

39(ghost voice brackets)

40Ugh. Birds.41

41[shudder]

Rejected Olympic Events

December 15 2009

Rejected Olympic Events, part one?

Semafloor1

Triathalon2

5 Yard Dash3

The Catapult4

The Even Bars5

The Pole Dance6

The Bearded Lady7

Lie-off8

Lay-off9

Lay-off-off10

Off-lie-lay-up-off11

Off-off12

Offal-offal13

Awful-off14

Knife Fight15

Ice Sliding16

Curling17

Curling Up18

Crueling19

Snowball Fight20

Hot Cocoa Contest/Speed Sipping21

Chair Lift Exit22

Tow Rope Race23

Snowgazing24

Snowgrazing25

Skee Ball26

Ski Ball27

Ski Ball28

Luge Vert29

Poker30

————————————————–

—————————

1Part ribbon dance, part communiqué

2Skiing, Shooting, Riding Bikes

3And they’re off. To the showers.

4Pairs’ Siege still under consideration

5Just sort of hanging there, deflated

6feat. The 20 Foot Watusi and The Sky Worm

7Exotic, Erotic, Beguiling No Wait Boring And Gross

8Lying Contest

9The Olympic The Games– “That was a gold medal neg right there, Bob” “No doubt, Keith. And his Kino is impeccable” “Hypnotism”

10“You’refiredyou’refiredyou’refiredyourpositionisnolongeravailablessyourheartbutwecan’taffordtokeepyouanymoreductionsinbudgethaveforcedustomakecutstothepayrollonoutofhereduced”

11Very specific golf skills competition

12feat. The John Henry of DEET

13Intestinal Milkshakes (pronounced in-tes-TINE-al)

14Rejected Olympic Events, part two [sad face]

15Reason: too Argentinian-biased

16Stocking Feet / On Sock-ed Feet [tie]

17feat. The World’s Most Disgusting, Crinkled Biceps / feat. Feet (Sex Toes)?

18 Pairs’ Napping → Pear Snapping (Best first bite Wins)

19Vicious: Humanity’s Finest Genomic Clumps, Hitting Each Other With Flowers

20Reason: too Awesome

21Reason/feat. = Scalded Uvulae

22Daring Dangling Leg-Breaking Pathos

23Weapons allowed, hand-powered Mario Kart

24As Judged by Depths of Deprivatory Synesthesia (Listen! The Snow is Falling)

25To follow IMMEDIATELY AFTER Hot Cocoa Contest/Speed Sipping

26Past tickets purchases have spoiled Amateur status

27Like Polo, but awesome i.e. downhill, at murder speed

28Like Prom, but awesome i.e. downhill, at murder speed

291,390% more dephalangelation than your comparable boarded vert

30Rostrum not rascal/fat-bike accessible; no longer 2005.

Abacus Abacab, M-P

November 16 2009

Abacus H.J. Abacab, the Alphabetical Comedian

 

What’s the deal with Marshmallows? More like Monopolymallows. Forget Bill Gates, bring me the sweet, extruded pith of Alex Doumakes! Doumakes like a tree And Show Me The Money!(!(?)).

 

What’s the deal with Meridians? Who put them in charge of deciding the days? Was it you?

 

What’s the deal with Mohawks— I mean, People of the Flint – what are they, Spark lighters?

What are they Acetylene torches?

They’re arc welders, right?

When the Six Nations would go as the Village People for Hallowe’en they’d be the Construction Worker. [Bigger question: Who had to be the cowboy? Biggest Question: And who got to be the Indian?].

People of the Flint— I’m more of a ‘Snake Eyes’ fan myself– or ‘Road Block’, now there’s a Joe you can build a longhouse around.

No, you guys are great. The pragmatism to Christianize and ally with the whites, and the tactical brilliance to choose the Dutch, the Brits, and the French.

Hey, what’s the matter? Calico cloth come late? Ooh… Fresh wounds. Fresh 215 year old wounds.

She knows what I’m talking about. {wink} I got some hard steel– how ’bout we start a fire sometime?

 

No? Fair enough.

 

What’s the deal with Mortuaries? Sounds like a pretty scary place to me!

 

What’s the deal with Moustaches? It’s either clean shave or kempt bush– quit fucking around, Ladies! Feels like I’m kissing Hitler.

 

What’s the deal with Neither? I mean, it’s one or the other, guy– choose already!

 

What’s the deal with Neptune? A whole planet built out of cold cow farts? We ditched Pluto and kept this? Feh.

Oh!: No wonder you could be discovered using only math– P+U {snap}

 

What’s the deal with Neptune? Who does he think he is? Schroedinger’s Political Prisoner? What’s he doing stayiing in Haiti? You think if the cat had the chance it wouldn’t bat away the radioactive substance/ claw the geiger counter to bits? What are you doing, Yvon?

 

What’s the deal with Neptune? Ditch the man who helped bring down your two worst crooks for the sleaziest sleaze who ever sluz? I’m glad your town got canceled.

 

What’s the deal with, uh… Noodles? I like ’em. How about you?1

 

What’s the deal with Obfuscation? It’s like, hey! I’m trying to fuscate here– quit obbin’ it up for me!

…Eyyyyyyy!

 

Octopus: What’s the deal with Octopuses? Shoot ink into my face and then scuttle away? Really? More like Octopussies. More like Scroctopus. Octopus.

 

What’s the deal with Oregon? You really think you’re gonna trick the USS Massachusetts into engaging your batteries? Really? C’mon. COME ON!

 

Nah. You’re ok, Oregon. Hey– Good job protecting Pass Christian… NOT!

 

What’s the deal with Paleontology? I’ll show you some bones if you want. Don’t need a ‘backhoe’ or a ‘team of grad students’. Just grab a spade and meet me in the woods.

 

What’s the deal with Placenta? Don’t shit where you eat– am I right? Am I? I am.

 

What’s the deal with Pomegranates? Seeds? SEEDS!? What do you think I am, a bird?

Am I?

 

?

 

 

 

1My favorite is the nabeyaki udon, as it is the closest thing to “Peanut butter, an egg, dice isn’t that a sponge in there? Yeah” I’ve ever eaten.

Your Day

October 28 2009

Time is a Game Only Children Play Well

 

8 AM Wake up, it’s too late to go to work and you fall back asleep.

8:26 Wake up, and fall back asleep

9:14 Wake up, start to jerk off a little, but aimlessly.

9:18 Fighting sleep, you try to narrativize some lost opportunity from your past. In this alternate erotic continuity you successfully slayed (slew?) the twin beasts of ambivalence, cowardice, and sexual incompetence,1 and by some miracle spontaneously generated enough confidence and charisma to be able to…

9:19 Fall back to sleep.

9:26 Dream about Daylight Savings Time. Imaging it was actually, by government proclamation, 8:26 right now, and you were back in your bed waking up and falling back to sleep. Nice dream.

10:50 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and wake up for keeps.

10:52 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and get out of bed for keeps.

10:57 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and not fall back to sleep on the toilet. That shit is gross. Lowell.

10:59 Shower. You can save money by limiting yourself to EITHER soap OR shampoo. Added Bonus: returns some much needed luster, curl, and bounce to heretofore listless and gnarled thigh and ass hair.

11:13 Whoa. Lost 7 minutes. Came to with pruned (face) cheeks. Gross. Also, weird.

11:14 to 11:22:24(seconds) You time your teethbrushing to the time it takes to listen to “In The Arms of Sleep” twice. It’s the only way to get a thorough clean/Billy’s voice figuratively melts plaque. Also: Vaccines are for pussies, heretics.

11:20 Start making breakfast. First step? Figuring out what not to eat by examining what you last ate. Scrape it up, Billy!

11:22:25(seconds) Ok, what’s the plan? Pancakes and Waffles? * bowls of cereal?2 le Gaston? Oui!

11:23 Only have 2 ½ eggs, not sixty.3 Settle for a “Mrs. Potts” (a kettlesworth of tea, drank out of something alive).

11:25 In lieu of bags with leaves in them, invent a new kind of tea– Smashed NyQuil Gel Caps, Brown and Fallen Oak Leaves, and Freshly Scraped Those Weird Red Stains That Keep Accruing on the Bathroom Ceiling. It tastes like Fertilizer.

11:28 If the Internet has supplanted the newspaper, then what replaces the crossword as something to distract your eyes/brain with while the rest of your face does something stupid? Team Fortress 2.

12:00 PM One more match.

12:28 One more match.

12:48 One more.

1:31 One…

2:19 Ugh. This tea is cold. While that’s in the microwave…

3:04 Ok. Neighbor finally closed their wireless. First things first– you should probably find a new job.

3:07 Ok. It’s not “password” and “admin/admin1” doesn’t work. Time to head downtown and find somewhere to work.

3:40 Undress the mannequins at Macy’s with your eyes.

3:43 Undress the mannequins at Macy’s with your hands.

3:48 Dress down mall security with your words.

3:49 It’s not working. Quick– close your eyes, mouth, mucus membranes– here comes their rebuttal!

3:56 Your eyes are awfully peppery. You’re in no shape to interview for a job. Time to drive around town looking for free things on the side of the road.

4:21 Lesson: just because it’s in someone’s yard doesn’t mean it is up for grabs. Floor it!

4:49 Home again. Change out of your clothes and take a shower and try to forget the parts where you ever left your house.

4:57 Stand nude, dripping for three minutes so as to avoid the stigma of putting pajama pants on before 5:00.

5:00 The clock strikes the best second of the day– you get to put on pants AND it’s cocktail hour? Trifecta! Mix a whiskey and apple soda (Sidral Mundet), sit in your rocking chair, and count your blessing.

5:06 Have another.

5:11 And another. (This rocking chair is getting awfully comfortable).

5:14 All out of Sidral, what’s left? Olive oil? Milk?

5:18 Have another.

8 PM Wake up, it’s too early to go to bed, fall back to sleep.

9:09 Wake up, it, and fall back to sleep.

9:35 You’re sleeping still, you think, but your eyes are open and you can think. You don’t move and in the dark you lie back and recognize every piece of furniture or appliance you can recognize. You give them names. You re-invent the room as you methodically scan it from behind fixed eyeballs. You whisper a few code words/revelations/names that should mean more, all of which you forget when you…

10:27 Wake up for keeps. (Or at least borrows).

10:27 You listen to Carole King’s Tapestry album, three times.

11:41 While placing the pin down for a second spin of the second side, a drop of water forms on the vinyl. It tastes slightly of salt but, after tasting, there is not enough left for you to test its spontaneous composition with your chemistry set. Drop.

11:42 You’ve got a friend.

12:26 You’ve got a friend.

 

 

 

1Triplet beasts, really– more of a Cerberus deal.

2= Capital Eight = eight brimming bowls of the stuff.

32 whites, 3 yolks.

Leaning Out To Everyone That Hides

October 6 2009

Are you lonely? Feeling unloved? Unattractive? Unsettleforable? Otherwise or Entirely inadequate? Do you think that the world would– at a minimum– not recognize your passing, if not be a better place for it? Did you say or do something stupid and then somebody called you on it, trapping you in a shame cycle from which you will likely never escape? Or are you just experiencing a temporary setback to which you seek a permanent solution? Then YOU might be interested in SUICIDE™.

SUICIDE™ – from the makers of HOMICIDE1

SUICIDE™ – It’s not just for the terminal and/or terminally unfuckable anymore.
SUICIDE™ – Impress your |friends|2 and neighbors with the amount of fluids (and smells) that are flung from your roof-flung body.
SUICIDE™ – Be the Envy of American War Prisoners everywhere!

SUICIDE™ – Choose from the following exciting methods of complete and utter self-negation:

Abattoir Slip ‘n’ Slide

Alcohol Poisoning
Anodize Your Blood
Antifreeze Daiquiri
Asphyxiation (Autoerotic)
Asphyxiation (Plastic Bag)
Asphyxiation (Resultant of Botched Hanging)
Asphyxiation (Whippet O.D.)
Bad Shellfish
Bag Full Of Scorpions
Baked Face
Bicycle Without Helmet, Brakes
Bifurcation
Binge Drink
Binge Eat (with Plugged Butthole)
Bivouac the 38th Parallel (Korean War ONLY)
Bite the Bullet
Bite the Knife. Hard.
Blasting Caps, Replace Dental Caps with
Blowjob Contest (as Contestant and Recipient)
Boil Self
Bone, Break Every Single
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (Car + Garage)
Carbon Dioxide Poisoning (Hold Your Breath)
Carbolic Acidosis (Drink Beakers, Yellow Drums)
Chimp, Own a
AND MANY, MANY MORE

Including such classic favorites as Wrist Slits, Electrocution – bathtub, So Many Pills, Electrocution – golf club lightning rod, and the ill-advised Dehydration!

SUICIDE™ – The Forever Solution®

 

Testimonials

“I was so old I could no longer do the things I enjoyed because my increasingly feeble body and mind wouldn’t let me! And not just some of the things– every single one! All food had to be pulverized into a fine, beige paste and massaged down my throat lest I choke! The written word was like one clumped varicose of veins to my stupid, stupid eyes! Blowjobs? Could neither give nor receive! Continence I once had in spades, then it came and went in trowel-sized scrape-aways. Thank you, Suicide™!”          Alex, 91

 

“I cheated on my wife. She won the kids in custody hearings and then moved five states away. In their absence, the value-imbuing narrative from which I derived meaning broke down completely– to the point where I could no longer support nor sustain my continued existence. I guess four weeks a year just wasn’t enough! Thanks, Suicide™!”          Keith, 38

 

“My wrists were too tight and I was worried that my bloodsweat was corroding the ttritanium plating the government put on my bones to allow me to see the future and read minds. Suicide™ helped me air those veins out and now I can see the Future and the Present AND the Past all at the same time! It is vaguely violet with a hint of seafoam green! And tastes like densely-packed sand feels (underneath your beach-scraping fingernails)!”          Ingrid, 43

 

“I don’t know what happened. One day my brain just quit providing me with dopamine and, well, here I am… Where am I, exactly? Hello? I.”          Eric, 25

 

“5 x 8 = 40; 40 x 50 = 2000; 2000 x 15 = 30000; 30000 – (12 x 750) = 30000 – (1500 x 6) = 30000 – 9000 = 21000; 52 x 100 =5200; 12 x 150 = 1800; 5200 + 1800 = 7000; 21000 – 7000 = 14000 – (52 x ~70) = ~11360 – (365 x 3) = 10365; 10365 -1599 = 8766; 0”          Ade, 29

 

“Meh.”          Emily, 17

 

 

 

 

1Are you desperate? Angry? Feeling mistreated? Misanthropic? Misdiagnosed? Otherwise or Entirely grievously wronged? Do you think that the world would be a better place if YOU were in charge? If YOU could decide…

2Absolute value of “friends;” includes those you used to have, those you never had.

What Am I Thinking Right Now, part one

October 4 2009

What Am I Thinking RIGHT NOW?: the Psychic Gameshow

 

Host: And we’re back for the third round of “What Am I Thinking Right Now?”– the only game show that tests contestants based on their demonstrated psychic ability. After two rounds the score is all knotted up at 0 apiece.

 

Crowd is completely silent, contestants still

 

Host: Now we’ve made some alterations at the behest of our contestants. We’ve removed all the mercury from the studio [cut to intern holding up a fistful of thermometers, two fish, and a mouthsworth of old teeth], we’ve ceased all X-Rays within a two mile radius– with heartfelt apologies to our more cancer-ridden viewers and their thoughtless, pre-disposing families– and all of us have had a thorough floss.

 

Another intern goes row by row with crudbucket to capture inter-dental chunks

 

Host: Ok. Do you feel your mental plaque receding, oh Great Periodonti?

B: [massaging mandibles, mouth ajar, eyes squoze tight] My all-divining mouth eye would appear to be degaussed, yes.

Host: And your relationship with your Lord/Savior, Bethany?

A: He apologized for forsaking me.

Host: Perf–

A: I sensed that he had had some similar issues with his father, and he admitted that that was so. And that’s when the healing began.

Host: You healed Him?

A: All fathers are the children of sons, you know.

Host: I guess?

 

Cold moment: Crowd grimaces, an intern is caught using old teeth to give fish human smiles

 

Host: Well let’s get things started here in Round 3 with THE question that is the entirety of our game

 

Applause

 

Host: Say it with me, folks…

All: What. Am. I. Thinking. RIGHT NOW!?

Host: Ok— you heard them, contestants– What am I thinking right now?

A: You’re hurting. I sense a tragedy in your past. An “R” name. Or word. Maybe ‘heaRt,’ or a ‘caR’…

B: [rubbing mandibles] I see a form. Large, dark, perhaps mammalian in nature.

C: Naked Sex Ape!

Host: I’m sorry. The correct answer was “48”. The number… 48.

 

 TO BE CONTINUED???????????????