Posts Tagged ‘A list.’

The Only (26) Thing(s) We Have To (HAVE TO) Fear

April 6 2010

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief, that The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is

Adolf Hitler1

Boxcutters2

Cigarettes34

Delano Franklin, my evil twin567

Errol Flynn’s swarthy good looks8910

Flue sticks shut and Fireside Chat asphyxiates the Cabinet11

Gingivitis12

Homunculi who deliver my blood cells grow dissatisfied with their arterial captivity, chew their way out1314

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Japanese-American children15

Kevin16

Loofahs1718

Making a mistake1920

Nightmares– they’re, by definition, frightening21

Origami carrier pigeons2223

Pubic speaking24

Quail becoming sentient and turning against us25

Rosebud!26

Scared-being-of2728

Tiny frogs!29303132

Ultraviolet light33

Velociraptors34

Women35

Xanadu, where Kublai Kahn did no wait3637

Yalta quotes coming back to haunt me3839

Zygodactyls40

41

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1That guy is a maniac! Those soldiers of his shoot real guns with actual bullets!

2apparently…

3Keep them as far away from your face as you can.4

4Invent a holder to do so.

5Also: Deleanor, my homely, cross-dressed alter-ego6

6When Eleanor is away, Deleanor comes out to playTM7

7(Why would I trademark that?)?

8I better wrap this blanket around my bone-zone so Winston and Josef don’t laugh at my wrinkled old japesmaker!9

9I can still get boners right?10

10… I forget how polio works.

11Henry Morgenthau Jr., no!

12Teeth are our greatest naturally occurring resource. You only get two shots at this– make at least one of them count. Preferably the latter… I digress.

13If you love one million tiny somethings, set them free– if they induce a cerebral hemorrhage chewing their way out of your face, well then you probably shouldn’t have listened to me. Sorry !( 14

14(sad wink)

15Don’t take your eyes off of them or they’ll sublimate into a hundred cranes and thieve all your microfiche

16[eyes narrow] Kevin [teeth grit]

17They are, basically, spawnpoints for Enterococcus, Pseudomonas, and other Bacterial Disease; they are, totally, camping your continences18

18(pronounced with a long ‘e’– continenc-ees)

19Don’t fuck up!20

20(You failure.)

21Nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror, which paralyzes needed efforts to escape this tiger made out of bees…

22Take away their paper!23

23And angles!

24Gross/is that a weiner-slash-fanny-[UK] that talks or you just getting down there and telling all your secrets/talking head

25“So the hunter has become the SQWRAURK”

26Was that me?

27Anonymous, poorly thought out, sloppily formatted artifact-destroying black instant– crippling our compulsories, rendering second breakfast into Ron Carver28

28Finally! My mandle’s arrived [nostril-expoding sniff] smells like [both white sausage and monkey bread are offensive; thank Bavaria for ruining my clever/incomprehensible joke]!

29So small. And full of poison.30

30Crawling all over my nude body.31

31Tickling the back of my sinuses.32

32Spelunking for my yellow wealth.

33A man’s wheelchair is his castle. Or at least his dungeon.

34Clevah gull

35Clevah gulls

36That’s William Randolph Hearst again37

37The cuss of it all!

38}Noooo-blessssse obliiiiiiige{39

39(ghost voice brackets)

40Ugh. Birds.41

41[shudder]

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New Pregnancy Moves

March 24 2010

New Pregnancy Moves

The world of obstetrics is one fraught with countless1 perils…

New Tests!

Apeguard Scores

How monkey-proof is your uterus? By discovering how well your womb would withstand simian assault, you can rest assured– both that your soon-to-be-son is safe from the scourge of monkeynappers,2 and that your ladyworks is suitably prepared for The Coming of the Apes.3

Agar Scores

How habitable by bacteria/gelatinous is your reproductive system? Should you be bummed when your sargassum gets gummed? Will this hyper-fertile algal fondant feed your fetus into a genetically superior SuperBaby? Or will it become the lime jello in which your fallopian friend4 fumbles ecstatic, chokes, drowns? Scientists are currently in the late stages of testing the potential hazards and benefits of this little-known FUPA side effect. Here’s hoping the verdict, like the substance itself, will soon be aperient.5

Truffle Shuffle

In the socialist nightmare world of the future,67 no longer able to gate their patients by accrued wealth or class, the best doctors will be forced to choose who requires/deserves their treatment the most by determining who is most wiling to demean themselves for the privilege. Nostalgic for the sweet cruelty of their cinematic youth, heads swimming with visions of Jeff Cohen and Corey Feldman’s redefinition of gates, most doctors will make their pregnant prospects do the truffle shuffle if they want to get in. Hilarity, miscarriage ensues.

New Techniques!

Shoulder Dystocia is one of the most panic-inducing problems that an operating room can face. Occurring when the baby, its head already outside of the womb, can no longer be pushed from the birth canal due to the width of its shoulders, shoulder dystocia puts the life of the child in immediate life-threatening danger. In this race against time, doctors must be at the top of their game, and to do so they invent, on-the-fly, some of the most unorthodox, ingenious, and no-holds-barred procedures in medicine:

Woods Can-Opener

One technique that has been shown to be both effective and crowd-pleasing is the Woods Can-Opener. In this acrobatic tact, nurses ready a surgical diving board8 from which the attending obstetrician springs, secures one leg to the chest with his/her arms, and tilts the body at a 35 degree angle (from pole of the laboring mother’s belly button). The resulting expulsion of the fetus can result in aminotic splashes of 15 feet or greater.9

Zavanelli’s Gesture

As opposed to Zavanelli’s Maneuver, in which the obstetrician pushes the dystocic baby’s head back inside in order to perform a cesarean, Zavanelli’s Gesture is a half-hearted affair, in which he or she sort of bats at the head, listlessly pokes at it with forceps, and then blows a strand of hair from his face with a pouty ‘poof’. Can be punctuated with an barely audible “feh” in cases of extreme distress.

Ever the tireless innovator/recipient of horribly unfortunate fetal-shoulder-luck, Zavanelli didn’t stop there; the following represent the rest of Zavanelli’s maneuvers:

Zavanelli’s Mantua, in which the obstetrician prescribes a loose gown under which the demi-mother will hide her half-born child, Kuato-style.

Zavanelli’s Manubria, in which [see Intentional clavicular mackture]

Zavanelli’s Manucode, in which the obstetrician shows you his exotic bird

Zavanelli’s Manifold, in which cars are too complicated and entirely opaque to me for me to be able to fake a joke about (sad)

Which is not to be confused with Zavanelli’s Man-o-fold, in which the obstetrician shows you his Playgirl Pin-up

and, of course, Zavanelli’s Manzanilla, in which, either in an attempt to loosen you up or in recognition of your vaginal futility, the obstetrician offers you a glass of his bathtub sherry.

Intentional clavicular mackture

If only fracturing clavicles could solve all of life’s problems. Winnie the Pooh needn’t have confronted his obesity and opiate addiction, earning him the early grave that his idol– William Howard Taft– was repeatedly denied;1011 debate club and taekwondo lessons would no longer be mutually exclusive– they’d be all-inclusive: performed indulgent, drunk, and crazy slutty; our postures would be terrible; and we would never need to report for jury duty again.121314

Unfortunately, in the Real World, sometimes a more effortlessly confident technique is called for. With ICM (intentional clavicular mackture),15 the doctor starts kissing all up the clavicle and on the neck with the intention of either skeeving the delivering mom out so much she pushes harder, gets this shit done, or dizzying the child into a coquettish quiver, momentarily loosening the body in the birth canal and, thus, allowing passage.

Rubin III(!)

In the Rubin II, the doctor inserts fingers vaginally, and rotates the shoulder to fetus’s chest. That’s ok, I guess. But why not try the Rubin III(!), in which you insert hand and forearm vaginally, tuck the legs into chest; use other hand to push head down, and wrap arms around body. Cannonball! / Have the birthing mother eat some baking soda and vinegar. DO NOT FORGET TO SET UP NET/SPLAT PAD BEFORE INGESTION.

Reuben IV

If all else fails, in case emergency doesn’t work, break glass and bust out the Reuben IV. Four delicious Reubens– one for the attending, one for the midwife or head nurse, one for the husband, and one for the would-be mother herself. Your Crown May Have Crumbled, But You Tried Your Best; You Deserve A Reuben[™]!16

New Positions!

Suprapubic Presser

A specially trained/suitably hulking nurse whose duty it is to just press hard on the belly in order to shoot the child out like a wine cork. Equally likely to result in pieces of ‘cork’ floating in the ‘wine’. Highly popular amongst stupider practitioners/lummices and simpletonne who were so nice their accrued bedside manner extra credit points accidentally earned them a medical degree.17

HELPURR

In extreme cases of shoulder dystocia, a specially-trained cat, or HELPURR, can be sent in there after it. Cats: finally pulling their own weight! About eight pounds!

HELPURR (mean version)

or, In the tragic case when neither the Woods Can Opener nor Rubin III maneuvers work, it becomes necessary to call in your HELPURR18— a cat specially trained for excavating the womb of shattered dreams. Worry about offending the patient with an abrupt, piercing fingers-whistle or contextually inappropriate kiss-hithers no longer– our new model is specially trained to respond to the mixed scent of Sauerkraut and Thousand Island Dressing and the Ineffable Void of Illimitable Human Anguish. Vacuum attachment included.

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112

2in this case the name derives from who is doing the napping OR monkeys invade your womb and just sleep there, stealing much needed growin’ room, spreading chiggers, and teaching your fetus their awful ‘shines’

3the controversial, highly erotic 12th installment of the famous sesquidecology

4in this case we are assuming you are the victim of an ectopic pregnancy/next time, Try Harder Comma Better!

5Aperient Scores– How full of shit is your pregnancy making you…

6or Canada7

7or any country that isn’t America

8available at all your finer MegaSandals (which house throth a Resort, a Medical Supply Warehouse, and the grocery half of an Amazing Superstore)

10in this scenario, the oafish Taft was protected by a guardian angel whose god-given mission was to legitimize evidence obtained by warrantless wiretapping.11

11Fuck Chuck Katz: G(od)W(arrior) 4-EVZ!

12whether that means simplifying the judicial system so that every accused criminal has their clavicle broken and is sent on their way, or learning kung fu and snapping the shoulders of your fellow potential jurors, thus demonstrating your unsuitability for impanelment/sequesterence13

13CAUTION: this maneuver may backfire and earn you Foreman’s duty14

14by which I mean, having to keep an eye on House while ruining the show with your stupid love

15or, Islamic Center of Maryland– they have surprisingly heretical/erotical/herotical obstetrics

16the RebuenIV, PregnanstramiVI, and Spontaneous Aborussian Dressing are all the Intellectual Property of the seagreentelecaster family of products, in perpetuity, unless you want it, in which case Now You Are The One Who Is Terrible

17Also: Frankensteins

18Hands-free Extraction Leonine Post-partum Uterine Refuse Retriever

Things To Tell Your 6-months Old Child

March 21 2010

Things to Tell Your 6 Months Old Child (To Turn Their Subconscious Into A Ticking Time Capsule)

– The unabridged play-by-play of their conception1

– The list of women you would have preferred been their mom instead2

– Suicide Attempt War Stories3

– Nursery Marker-Party: detail a list of their inadequacies, the ways in which they have failed to live up to your dreams of having a child4

– The results of the spreadsheet you made calculating exactly how much their life is worth to you/on the black market5

– Get all those compliments/I love yous out of the way– one lump sum67

– A safari through the entire breadth of things he can look forward to J’ing O to/the horrible list of fetishes with which she may have up to put8

– Sing the entire Bjork catalog in one 7 hour caged sit9

– Then all the remixes10

– Our shared history of genocide, holocaust, and rape as a military tactic11

– Relate last night’s Tonight Show in exhaustive detail– punctuating each monologue joke with violent fake laughter, acting out every Jaywalker in full grotesque, sockpuppeting the mostly-supportive ambivalence of Kevin Eubanks12

– Ask them for help with your crossword and then shame them when you figure out the clue without their help; DOMINATE at Jeopardy!131415

– (Weeping) calculate, out loud, exactly how much they will cost you (in TVs)1617

– A litany of your most shameful moments– both secular and sexcapadic18

– All your bigamy dreams, Johnny Appleseed-sowing contingency plans19

– Water the Family Tree (With Blood)20: all the ways your daddy wronged you and all the wrongs you plan on visiting upon him/her.

– Intel: prep your child on the family it is entering and each members’ deficiencies, massively damageable weakpoints21

– All the dirty secrets– what’s in our water, where our meat comes from, how big an asshole John Lennon was/all their heroes will be22

– The Myriad Fallacies of the Load-Bearing Fallacies of our Nation’s History and Culture2324

– How bad it is going to hurt to watch you die25

– LOST spoilers26

– The Enormity of Existence27

– Pre-Apologize28

– Your best guesses as to who’ll stop the rain, what the secret ingredients to Dr. Pepper are, where the wild things are, when America will slide into outright fascism, why fools fall in love, how the world will end2930

– Your clumsy erotic prose3132

– Poormouth dogs in a selfish attempt to have cats as a pet six years from now33

– Your anxieties that you will cry when he cries, laugh when he cries34

– To shove it35

– Cusses. All of them. Every Cuss. Over and Over.36

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——————

1“Now I know she doesn’t look it, but your mom is such a prodigious swallower it’s a wonder we had you at all!”

2Theresa, Jane, Carson, Lauren Graham, Beatrice, Kendra from Accounting, That One Bus Driver Who Was Surprisingly Hot, Kate Winslet, The Beautiful Giantess Who Jogs Down By The Library, A Sentient Pair of Breasts, Fiona Apple…

3“Your daddy is like a scientist– a scientist who is bravely trying to pinpoint the exact limit at which shame metastasizes into grief/prescription drugs stop being nice and start getting real”

4Not nearly as eloquent as that baby on the stock-buying commercials; suckling a major breastkill; just sort of sits there (and has the thighs to prove it– yeesh); can ‘just tell’ its gay…

51.67 my own; 0.91 my wife/$48,016.81

6“IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouthat’sgreatsonIloveyoutryharderIloveyouIloveyoulet’sputthatonthefridgeIloveyouIloveitit’sperfect:justwhatIwanted”7

7That’s it

8And by safari I mean my search history: read it and weep

9Their first steps? Desperate lunges towards the iPod/Staaa-teoof EEE-mRRRrrrR-gyeenn-cyyYYy

10Medulla throat techniques should come in handy for furious barrages of clicks and wanks

11“…and so we move on to the fall of Carthage” [Four Days In]

12I for one would watch a Tonight Show where Jay Leno got so low-down he replaced everyone on staff with sock puppet versions of themselves

13“Has to be in the form of a question, stupid– Negative 1000! BLAMP: Who is Copernicus!”14

14“Yes! 1000 smackers!”15

15“Face!”

16A 704 inch 26,640p Plasma Nanoscreen RDTV17

17In which the Plasma in question is Unicorn blood; RD = Re-Definition– the power of human vision pales in comparison to the intravenous experience of 58 feet of Unicorn blood coursing through your eye veins

18Forgot the words to my jokes and just sort of stood there (and have never made myself vulnerable since) [secular]; Sometimes when I would be sexing around with my first girlfriend she would start to laugh; I never found out why (but have never made myself vulnerable since) [sexcapadic]; I tried to give a girl I liked a twizzler on the last day of third grade (as if that were a romantic gesture); she refused and I have never made myself vulnerable since [both]

19Johnny Papaseed?

20Or piss

21This [hold up picture] is your dad [the picture looks exactly like the holder] his weakness is pop-culture references, memes, wordplay, puns, and crippling bouts of wrist-pondering self-doubt

22So big he distended to the power of 12 power bottoms

23Slavery: Our Original Sin– How It’s Inclusion Made Our Country Possible, How It’s End Marked The Beginning of Federalized Homogeneity, Oh And How (Fucking) Horrifying That Is; How Laws Are Made: Favors, Pork, Coercion, and New Innovations in Disingenuity <TOO HOT for SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK>; Religion: The Violent Gay-Bashing, Science-Denying, Kid-Fucking Death Throes of Impending Obsolescence; Monogamy: Everybody Cheats (Even Your Parents)*

24*Especially Your Parents

25Pretty bad

26Spoiler Alert: it’s probably not worth it

27Relative to their puny body, life

28“I’m sorry I missed your induction into the Water Polo Hall of Fame; I was very busy being President of the Roller Coaster Appreciation Society but that is no exCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSEEE!” Wave hands in the air, screaming

29Richard Nixon (eventually); Vanilla, Nutmeg, Prunes, and White Tiger tears;30 got addicted to chicken soup with rice, caught leaf smut, and fucked themselves to death in a dendrophilic fervor (their bodies are now stored in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX); 2026; even fools are human, son; highly communicative spore of leaf smut finds its way into world’s soft drink supply

30Why do you think there are so few of them? All the rest are in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX

31“”And that, I’ve found, is how the world works– you get banged, and then you whimper.” And then, swift like a PCF, she zipped shut my eyeslot and proceeded to scorch my earth.”32

32Two sentences starting with ‘and’ in a row. Jesus.

33“Sure, dogs are ok I guess– if you like picking up poop with your bare toes! *look down at diaper failure* Oh. Well, unlike cats, dogs don’t come with a free portrait of President Abraham Lincoln! *tug tug*”

34I mean, really, half the time when they tantrum it has to be (fucking) hilarious (but laughing at that (shit) would drive them insane)

35Also: sit on it, cram it, skip it, bop it, twist it, pull it, [digitized scream], put a sock in it, put a ring on it, shake it like a polaroid picture, shake it like a british nanny, shake it like candy’ll come out, shake it like an aging belly dancer with a wristjowl full of (shitty) bangles, don’t fight it: feel it, suck it followed by a setting off fireworks and crossing your hands defiantly down upon your suckables

36Crimson and Clover and Cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcockcunt

Things To Do With A Child (Who Is Your Property)

February 20 2010

Because If You Don’t Teach Them They Might Become Feral

– Test Raymond Scott’s Soothing Sounds for Baby to see if they actually work (spoiler alert: they do not)

– Recreate the cover of Off the Deep End… Except With A Baby!

– White Album the SHIT out of them

– Have it do a “First Steps + 3 mos” dance while you James Brown a “BabybabybaBAY BabybabybaBAYY”

– “I should probably learn an instrument or language so I can teach it to it”

– Teach it all the States, Presidents, Pokemon, and Elvis Costello Albums in chronological order

– Teach it Fake Cusses– not made-up ones, but, like, get all pissed and heartbroken when it says “funnel,” proscribe “sweater”

– Teach it how to read through literacy-driven scavenger hunts. If instead it uses its wiles to outfox having to read the clues, at least it will grow up crafty

– Teach it how to sew. It’ll come in handy if it ever gets LOST

– Teach it how to shop. Coupons are the funnest game their is: write up a list and add up a retail price; let it circulnavigate the city for the best bargains. Keep the change, you thrifty animal!

– Teach it how to bake. It’s REALLY not that hard

– Tie it up and place it in peril to REALLY see if it can excape knots

– Who’s Daddy’s Li’l Excape Artist or Future Bondage Superstar/Prodigy?

– You are!

– Hallowe’en Costume = Baby John Hodgman

– Only video game it’s allowed to play? Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES.

– IT WILL BE A WIZ AT KNOWING 1991 NFL ROSTERS, WAKE UP COLD SWEATIN(G) CHRISTIAN OKOYE

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Batter

– Ew.

– Feed it nothing but Grill Cheese for 6 weeks straight

– Have shots/drinking contest — me: whiskey, it: apple juice

– Ludens, not Halls; Dimatap, not Triamenic. Chewable Children’s Tylenol (Both Kinds).

– Gaslight it!

– Into what?

– GASLIGHT

– A healthy mix of hot and cold lunch

– Teach it about Stats, and the belts, gloves, and hats that bestow them in Bonus

– Get it some kind of Jr. Field Recorder so it can record sounds

– Teach it about Hits, and why you’re such a good parent for not (ab)using them

– Teach it about Misses, you can’t succeed if you don’t try

– Teach it about Hits, http://www.hitsshows.com/

– Teach it about Misses, show it Chungking Express over and over again, and In The Mood For Love; show them that scene where you think cross-cut events are chronologically concurrent but they end up being days or hours apart to devastating effect. I think it might have been… The Wire? Silence of the Lambs? The Shield? Dark Knight had it sort-of-not-really but it’s not that.

– Teach it about HITS, VSM, Okapi, TLS, and CDR

– Teach it about Misses, Juniors, Petites, Talls, and BBWs

– Teach it about Hits, each time it looks at something on the internet the person who wrote it gets a smile

– Either one appears on their face, or someone smiles at them

– Even if they’re alone

– (They break in

– (Haven’t really worked it all out yet))

– Oh, also teach it about seratonin (1) and (2) twisting and shouting

– Remember to heal my knee so we can dance a lot

– And let’s see if I can dig up one of those Kermit Keyboards

– Have an old couch for the express purpose(s) of being jumped on, forts– probably a mattress too

– Preferably not too soiled

– Teach it that wetting the bed isn’t the worst thing you can do by telling it about the Huang He, or Yellow, River– if it weren’t for little kids who peed the bed millions of Chinese would die of famine and drought

– Desperately try to reign in that torrential lesson by telling it how peeing the bed every night leads to the murderful floods that earned the river the colloquial name “China’s Sorrow”

– Teach it about “Tears in Heaven” without realizing that it will play like a threat

– Draw up a map of the human genome for it to play on

– Or, failing that, at least the autonomic plexuses

– PUNish It– it can’t leave that step until it apologizes through wordplay

– Don’t name it Paul or it will never learn

– Don’t name it Apollo because It Is Your Child And You Love It


Words of Love

February 2 2010

Words of Love

50 of the Best Worst Pornography Words

  1. ass globes
  2. tit meat
  3. sweater tighteners
  4. dripping thigh candy
  5. guzzle
  6. lovecave
  7. thrustfully
  8. fleshy pile
  9. gooey mound
  10. saggedy
  11. “I’m no John Holmes, but…”/“about average… 7 inches” [TIE]
  12. baby baster
  13. cunny plunger
  14. womb stabber
  15. veinful/throbbing
  16. “penetrated… ovaries”
  17. baby baster1
  18. “her glazed potatoes wet with my white frosting”
  19. licking stick, licking stick2
  20. slurp
  21. hole
  22. slurphole
  23. smirking slit
  24. snatching place
  25. southern eyebrow [RARE]
  26. pussywalls
  27. butterface
  28. excepterbody
  29. nottinghill
  30. butter…er
  31. nipply
  32. hanging danglers
  33. dangly hangers
  34. self-respect
  35. sexplorational
  36. folds
  37. tumgina
  38. gunt
  39. BBOIG
  40. blow-heezy
  41. salad-tizzl
  42. necrofoheezylia
  43. warm cream
  44. hot yogurt
  45. cucumber sauce
  46. puckered
  47. my star me kitten star
  48. GILF
  49. GGILF
  50. preggo

and the 5 Worst Worst

  1. whore – These People Are Being Naked For You! Have Some Respect! (Or At Least Some Courtesy!)!/.3
  1. gash – Also: You Are Supposed To Be ENJOYING This Part! Aesthetically! (Erotical!)4
  1. axe-wound – Ugh/ditto.5
  1. consentish – See Also: rape-y, conflict-heavy, struggle-ful, passed-out-like6
  1. sis – What do you think you are? Some kind of bonobo? This ain’t gonna solve your problems, bud/get outta her(e)– yer b(r)otherin’ me?7

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————

1In which the penis enters the womb and sperms in the fetus’s eyes and face– not the same as 12

2As spoke sung to a James Brown guitar jangle

3Unless, of course, they are actually, factually a whore– in which case, I mean, words are words.

4Eroticals– the poorly-received 18+ level-up to LEGO’s Bionicles.

5It goes Bionicles, Eroticals, Technic / Technic: for when you’re finished with sex

6sub-cuticular-forensic-goldmine-esque.

7No. Not quite.

Why I Got Fired

January 13 2010

Why My Position Was Rendered No Longer Available, Extant

– Skills Matrix Insufficiently Aligned with Office Productivity Function

– Punctuality Vector Math Joke

– Unauthorized Gustatory Expression of Sybaritic Self-Sufficiency in the Punch at Office Christmas Party

– Discovered Replenishing Quill in the Corporate Tincture

– Promulgated Intra-Office Pugilists’ Partnership, In Distich Delict of its Primary and Ancillary Injunctions

– Frequent, Repeated Articulations Appraising the Relative Merits of Differing Concentrations of Melanin

– Exclamatory, Palpable, and Primarily Torque-based Commemoration of Every Occasion of Turkey Timers

– Showed Up to Work Crapulous

– Pooped in the Coffeepot and now My Position No Longer Exists

– and now My Position No Longer Exists (But Ken Albee’s Does)

– and now My POSITION No Longer Exists; My POSITION Evolved Into POSTANDEON

– and now My Position Never Existed: Or Did It? And Then I See My W2 In The Bus Heading The Opposite Direction And It Nods Once Before Disappearing From My Life Forever

– and now My Position Was Dead The Whole Time, Has Finally Found Peace By Getting Revenge On Its Greatest Foe: Munchausen-by-Proxy

– and now My Position Was Rendered Superfluous, Overflowing (with Redundancy)

– and now My Position Was Rendered ‘Super’: They Observed Me Doing It and It Decohered

– and now My Position Was Rendered; My Severance Upsettingly Tallowcentric