Posts Tagged ‘An excerpt from my soon-to-not-be-released book’

106 Dates – #102: Co-Dreaming/Shared Consciousness

November 21 2009

102. Co-Dreaming/Shared Consciousness


You know how you have to be extremely careful about how loud you are thinking when you are lying (laying?)1 with the one you love– clenching tightly shut your temporal lobe, if not actively crafting false thoughts to leave littered throughout your consciousness (like depth charges, set to scramble any attempt to detect your true and actual self) lest he or she be able to hear your thoughts, thus literally figuratively cutting your brain hair, Thus Stealing Your ABILITIES?2

Well this symptom of late-onset schizophrenia need no longer be solely the impetus for desperate and misguided acts of self-preservation;3 it is also possible to ‘use your illusion’4 to create a mutually transcendent experience– to build a bridge between body and soul and consciousness (without wasting your materials budget on dicks and tongues).


Unlike the vulgarities of spoken and kinesic communication,5 the sweet cohabitents6 of Shared Consciousness can neither mislead nor betray; it cannot cajole or manipulate or flatter; it can’t ramble, beseech, cloy, or blaspheme maybe; it is a notably poor contrivist and its entreaties are but effete pesters. Divination, without the rod; clairvoyance without the ants7— yes, Co-Dreaming is quite swell.8 And it can be yours’ to employ if you follow the following skull-sealing tips:


Solder – there’s two ways you can go with this:

1. Classic – stick the solder in the soldering tube and solder your heads together.

2. Nuevo – lay the solder sticks between your mutual head(s) and then place the heated metal rod inside the gap and wait for it.

Shunt – find a nice, solid stalk of bamboo; chop of the ends, rendering it a tube; uneven the edge, giving the ends a nice sharp slope; place tube on pillow, laying (lying?) your heads down on either side; grasp hands for comfort; squeeze.

Entwined Irises – Butterfly Make-out (butterfly kiss each others’ eyes) until it sticks.

Magic Words – chants and mantras aren’t just for deranged directors who believe they could fly if only enough people just clapped their lotus-bowed thighs hard enough– it’s also for future ambiphrenics,9 such as yourself and your date.

X1000 Intercranial Surveillance System – the internet provides.10

Mutual Deception – “Oh, no… that was totally what I was thinking too.” “I, uh, know!”


Now that you are simpatico, and you’ve waited the appropriate amount of time for your bridge to cool/scab, it’s time to test this egret out!11 Enjoy your newfound intimacy with the following shared-consciousness activities:


Sing a song singing every other word: I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue style, apparently!

Go for a synchronized swim: serve those smug, lithe, perversely non-erotic Anastasias a synchronized assbeat!12

Make surprisingly adequate love: both in the sense of disappointingly non-spectacular and appointingly competent-for-once!

Yell at each other about the kinds of thoughts you’ve got: henpecking/cockmocking to know no bounds!

Win a dance contest: possible pun-based teamnames- The Wa2si, The Cabbage Match, The Breakin’ 2: Mimetic Twogaloo(?), The Bat, You See? (and then you dress up as a bat, V-bow your eyesline)!

Wince ‘no’ at Dan’s etc.: waste this opportunity by using your new dual-core processing capabilities on stupid word puzzles!

Try futilely to psych each other out: until somebody(‘s ankle) gives!

Write each other’s autobiography: finally, objective subjectivity!

Totally get to find out what it is like to have a peener/’giner: Straights only!

Remember edenic bliss / acorporeal harmony: a place without the pain of reality where my heart will not tremble!13



Co-Dreamers— delight in the fact that dreams, unlike thoughts, have spectral legs that reach through skulls and skin and sink into any very, very nearby sentience. All you have to do is sleep with your temples nested neatly in to each other thus allowing for the non-invasive transfer of important Dream-Inventing Precancerous Sleep-Hewn Ichorous Transcendence Soma14 from person to person. In order for the dreams to circulate correctly, however, both temples need to be touching which, unless you are gelatinous, vaporic, or otherwise bone-lite, could require some tricky manipulations. Fortunately, some cave-dwelling Einstein invented the pictorial form as a method by which to secure visual knowledge through the generations.15 So, DIAGRAMS!/:


[DIAGRAM: Three Positions]


Help each other out of recursive re-enactment of nostalgic traumas: secret away to slit the throat of the dog that knocks them into traffic; use your newly gigantic hands to catch the milkglass before its spilt; secret away to knock into traffic the future murderer of your childhood pet; BGAHh– damn you, auto-fellatio and your neck-snapping, somnolescent traps!16

Distract the mind tiger: lure it into one of their house’s infinite corridors and keep reaching for the door!

Catch them when they fall with your ever expanding hands: but make sure not to think about thinking about not falling (or you, too, will throw yourself over)!

Get peed on: with bonus real-life Damp Pants!

Yell at each other about the kinds of dreams you’ve got: chickpicking/roosterbeinganasshole to extend to absurd mindtrash, garbled unmemories!

Be an accessory to patricide/momophilia: hold him down, splay her apart; or vice versa!

Dampen sandtrain to cease creeping, all-consuming paralytic sensations/end incorporeal dread: see number four./!

Shine flashlight on shadow-faced monster: the Tenebrous ur-Fiend was… A Moth’s Body with My Adult Face On It!17

Translate backwards-talk, cryptic gibberish, and the squiggles that there are instead of writing: All of a sudden you have a quintuple doctorate in Linguistics18 in the dream!

Precipitate Ragnarok: stick heavy revolvers in their hands when they aren’t looking.19








1“With the fellas it’s always one or the other Or Usually Both– am I right, also fellas!?” – Chad Clifford Christopher, ‘Battle Of The Same-Sexes’ comic

2Q: Myeah, lily– where’s your Messiah now? A: LEAFED ENTIRELY IN SWEET, SWEET GOLD [note: I don’t remember what I was going for here. I assume lily is short for Delilah, but I’m not sure why she would be being mocked by Edward G. Robinson for having shorn Samson; the gold leaf bit is entirely opaque (even in the context of trying to affect schizophrenia). -ed.]

3Put down the Mixtape That Is Also A Map Of The Places In The City At Which You’ve Spent Time With The Love of Your Life Upon Whom You Will Never Make a Discernible Move– the one that is also an acrostic spelling-out of her birth date/city– you can do this stupid thing now instead!

4‘Izzy Stradlin’ is an anagram for ‘Lucid Dreaming’ SLASH not a reference to Guns ‘n’ Roses but an overly subtle/intrinsically confusing diagnostic portmanteau in which ILLness is posited to be the root of deLUSION.

5The ‘F’ Bomb and The Bird, respectively.

6Shared contents / Mind tents.

7Those stupid, computer-tampering Hasids will be so jealous. Take that, Hasids!/Mind ants.

8Insofar as its revelations are likely the product of encephalitis/inter-cranial swelling/a tumor.

9‘Both minds’, not to be confused with ‘amphibrenics’, or frog-brained individuals– those slimy, cold-blooded, demi-aquatic creepos: always croakin’, never wearing tails; just grabbing broads with their nuptials and then JO’ing in a pond.

10It converted a few measly 1s and 0s into a global network capable of feeding the entire world’s hunger for pornography.

11The egret, well-known amongst birders to be the most poorly behaved, or ‘baddest’, bird./This should be just about where the footnote equivalent of “Mrs. Houston yelling at me to stop dicking around after I made gun fingers/sounds when being taught the structure of a flower” happens (for this article).

12Even this [] is more plasticine than hot.


14Did you know that dreams are what causes cancer? Also: another crummy riddle obtaining nomenclature yuks multivalently.

15Important lessons such as “use a spear to kill food” and “horse”.

16Secret spine-twisting ending to Fight Club director’s cut– Tyler Durden the devertabrating result of dousing your rod after eating six Ambien.


18Fantastical Syntax, Metamorphology, National Grammatical Socialism, Scitenohp, and Semaphore.



106 Dates – #34: Practice Your Animal Calls (part one)

November 18 2009

34. Practice Your Animal Calls


One benefit to the zoo’s depressing display of punked ass animals is the opportunity it provides you to practice your animal calls. Much like how foreign kids1 have to T.A. classes in their native language in order to afford American college, these indentured animals have no choice but to help you learn how to correctly roll your growls, how to select the best glottal stop for accurate quacks, and how to stop making slit-eyes when talking like a Panda.2 And it is an opportunity you can ill-afford to pass up.

What other chance do you have to sucker, cajole, seduce, or beckon such diametric and diverse creatures as the owl and the ocelot? The otter and the echidna? The naked mole rat and the business casual mole rat? [INSERT/DRAWING:The Business Casual Mole Rat” [a mole rat wearing a v-neck sweater over collar shirt and tie, shirtcuffs visible from under sweater sleeve, and a belt (no pants?)]] The pig and the kitten? The polar bear and the regular bear? The katydid and the susywouldn’t? The macaw and the lyculkin? [INSERT/DRAWING:The Lyculkin” [a kind of mudkipper with front fins flush on the face, Home Alone surprise style?]] The beige-throated whisper fish and the common jerkfly? The pasty-eyed swamp wombat and the archtailed beluga finch– the only bird qualified by Michelin to be a sommelier at a three-star restaurant? The paradox shark and the cat o’ nine teeth?3 The common ape and the common APE? [INSERT/DRAWING:The Common APE [a chart of some kind; colored lines are involved]] The origami fin duck and the french cuffed service lummox? The saltwater taffybass and the austro-malaysian pogo horse? [INSERT/DRAWING:The Austro-Malaysian Pogo Horse” [a picture of a kangaroo]] The ibex and the ibid, the egret and the epithet, the etcetera and the E.T.C.?4 Fish, and plankton; and sea greens; and protein from the sea? A poor disoriented kingly beast with the butt of a lion and the cock of a man in a zookeeper’s outfit?5 Penguins! And river otter and stream otters? They don’t sound that different, but the stream otter is (a) actually a kind of ferret, (b) able to live in any stream– be it brook or creek, blood or urine, jet or -ing video, and (c) is actually made out of dreams.6 [INSERT/DRAWING:The Stream Otter” [a cross-section of a coaxial cable with tiny trucks, otters, pornographic couples, dollar signs, and comment section comments]]

A: Nowhere.7


Some Animal Calls, Then:


[Each animal name is atop a picture (likely of that animal), then the body of text]



Neither a House Cat, nor a Big Cat, the Ocelot is a tricky call to master. Only by utilizing all five of our senses8 can we even come close to capturing the intricacies of its ferocious mewl.

First: pretend you are small. Like, population-wise– like you grew up small compared to your peers and you’ve always resented it. But then, at the same time, pretend that you are bigger than some other group of peers, because in this scenario you have two peer groups. Maybe one is school and the other summer camp, or one is church and one is state. Or one is your Gold Friends and one is your Silver Friends. This is called Method Acting, and it is the process by which the best and most accomplished Animal Call artists learn how to master the ocelot.

After you have placed yourself in this scenario, try and remember a time you were really angry about something in your life. It shouldn’t be hard; you are likely a very angry person who has experienced many, many failures in your life– most of which were almost entirely your fault!9 Now focus on that moment. It may help at first if you place your arms in front of you and try to clench your veins. Try to slowly, softly roll your arms in towards your body while you tighten your teeth, snapping capillaries to try to contain this aggravation– trying to become it and Place it in the context of your pitiful smallness.

Place it in the context of your inability to fit; find it in your inability to satisfy, your inability to integrate or ingratiate or insinuate yourself into a circle of actual friends– to have anybody actually like you as default, as ‘when there is no context or nothing to gain,’ your inability to do that.

Place it there and let out an impotent scream. Let out your pipsqueak’s attempt to blot out the heavens, your cuckold’s moment the air goes stale when, finally, after five hours sitting in it, still stained by the blood of your now cold betrayers, the murder-suicide alarm clock goes off and it’s time to complete the Remington Room Service you’ve, as of yet, left only two-thirds of the way finished.


Did you hear it? Congratulations– you’ve executed one of the most difficult calls in the animal kingdom and are well on your way to mastering the ocelot! Now on to Step Three: living your life in such a way as to maximize horrific memories in order to keep your tank overflowing with ocelot fodder comma tears!/.


[SIDEBAR: “How to Make New Friends, Keep The Old, and Rank Them Accordingly”

While ostensibly a children’s paean to the pleasures of inclusion and learning basic social skills, the beloved preschool staple, Make New Friends:


Make new friends / but keep the o-old;

One is silver / and the o-ther gold


also provides an excellent blueprint for efficiently categorizing, ranking, and valuing your friendships.10


Gold Membership

Gold friends are by definition the most valuable friends money can buy.11 This means that not only do they excel at being a friend, but that they also are of a higher mettle than your other friends. More attractive, more popular, effortlessly charming, and, above all else, better than you, Gold Friends are to be treasured, envied, and worn around the neck to the envy of others.


  • All secrets kept
  • Paramours go unstolen and ex-paramours go un-dated-afterward for at least 3 months
  • Hot X friends to date, Cool Y friends to hang with12
  • They smell amazing!


Silver Status

While not as valuable as Gold, Silver friends are nothing to shake a stick at.13 They’re reliably satisfying company, loyal enough, and generally pleasant to look at. Sure, the envy potential is low– save for by the most pathetic of loners– but how do you think they feel about you? If no-frills, high quality Silver friends are the staple of your stable then you are way ahead of the game. Except, you know, the people with all the Gold friends. They passed you miles ago.


  • Most secrets kept (80% plus)
  • Paramours go unstolen except in cases of extreme unction (a bishop anointing oils on your junk cannot exorcise the desire); ex-paramours go un-dated-afterward for a ‘week, probably,’ or, if serious, a week for every 6 months they dated, and you both officially ‘didn’t want them to find out this way’ when you eventually grapevine the news
  • Definitely do-able X friends, Y friends aren’t pricks/bitches
  • B+ hygiene MINIMUM



Not every friend can be a winner. And not all of those non-winner friends can place– the podium isn’t big enough for that. Sometimes you just need to be around someone who really makes you ‘pop’. And what compliments your meager endowments better than bronze?14 Sure. They might dress poorly (for 1996),15 and if you invite them to a party they will– at best– bland everyone to tears. Hygienewise they smell like chicken soup mix and have the bouillon-tinted teeth to prove it. But every friendship soup needs its toothy broth, and every party its party tofu.16 And if you don’t keep a couple of these ol’ reliables around who will gauge how poorly you are doing at life against?17


  • Secrets only told to other, better, Silver and Gold friends
  • When secrets told, a good faith effort made not to mock friend or belittle friendship
  • Unless it is absolutely necessary to make a Gold friend like them better
  • Paramours are cheated with only if: ‘awfully cute < x < ok, I guess’18
  • Ex-Paramours, while dated early and often, are not the subject of hero stories while Bronze friend is in the room
  • Unless the story is exceptionally impressive/filthy/funny/degrading
  • X friends are conveniently indiscernible from Y friends, making them that much easier not to plow.




Sure, you think you’ve got it– you think you know how. “Hoot hoot,” you say, to your friend, in the wilderness at night.19 “Hoot hoot,” you say, trying to trick mice into thinking you are that most majestic of nocturnal, barn-dwelling predators,20 thus rendering them unimaginably tense in your presence.21 “Hoot hoot”– easy, right? Wrong. WRONG. You couldn’t be more incorrect.22

The owl is by far one of the hardest animal calls to master, even before you take into account the fact that owls are rarely in an exhibit at a zoo and therefore a dubious addition to this increasingly tedious and remarkably self-indulgent tome. And even if they are in that exhibit– that owl exhibit– they rarely show their stupid flat faces long enough for you to get a decent handle on their mannerisms and affectations. You PUTZ! Do you also think that if you hop, and then skip, and then jump that you and your family will all of a sudden be in Disney World in Orlando, Florida and that your dad will be alive– because that’s what heaven is: there’s no paradise in the clouds, or reincarnation, or aethereal drift; there are just coveted prizes that you earn, that you pick from an advertisement on the back of a Boy’s Life, and that you purchase with your banked good deeds23— and that he will forgive you, out loud, for having been a terribly inefficient use of scarce resources?24


[INSERT: Definitely this Boy’s Life ad with pictures.]


As for the call of the Owl, how can it be mastered? I’m glad you asked. Like Dudley Moore before you, you are about to enter

First– build a nest

  • Use straws, twigs, grass, and damp, leaking parts from rusted, old fMRI machines

Second– invite an interloper to stay in your “dreaming nest”

Third– warn them, eloquently, about the cascade of dreams they can expect

  • that they may be sad, or frightening, or beautiful
  • but that sleeping in that nest DREAMS will surely come

Fourth– but make sure that they know that they will be safe from those screech owls while in the “dreaming nest”

Fifth– I guess they’re like, some other kind of owls, ones that are especially jerks or something

Sixth– While they are sleeping, devour their dreams using your short, curved, downward-facing beak that is hooked at the end

  • people don’t have short, curved, downward-facing beaks that are hooked at the end
  • you must be an owl now.2526




The Orangutan, or “Orange you tan? You’re not a Gorilla!,” the knock knock joke after which the great umber ape was named, is a tool-using primate whose intelligence approaches that of the most viciously retarded human beings.27 It is no surprise, then, that the Orangutan responds best to vocalizations that approximate human speech. We must never forget, lest we get our genitals and face torn off in a conniption fit of primate rage,28 that

To most effectively beckon the Orangutan, first test the depth-of-throat from which you can produce clearly audible sound. Gruff is fine– in fact it’s preferred– we’re not concerned with coherence or cogency, here: this is about noise.

Next, carve these expulsions into short, staccato bursts– each guttural gush a distinctive aural entity from its preceding bark. When properly crafted, these grunts should not go unnoticed by your primate brethren. But Attention Is Not Enough! Not for what we have planned.

If one is to truly lead men, or apes for that matter, one must be feared and respected, envied and empathized with, despised and desired.29 Woodrow Wilson knew it– it’s why he invented the Ku Klux Klan. Golda Meir knew it– it’s why she changed her name from Leggoa after plating herself in gold in 1967, enabling her to single-handedly win the Six-Day War and rest on the seventh. The point is, like gold, you must be soft but durable, incredibly conductive but so innately valuable that people will kill for you, pretty but able to be smelted into coins.30

Which is to say: emoting. You need to be able to emote. You must imbue your grunts with a range of sentiments.









1Who aren’t the children of royalty, literal or figurative young turks, or the scion of a long line of talented clarinetists.

2The number two cause of their continued refusal to mate in captivity (after ‘VSS’– Vienna Sausage Syndrome– the anxiety that your peener is small and from a can).

3I punched out some of the teeth / Its owner was very diligent when it came to taking her cat to the dentist, but very nont-at-all diligent when it came to labeling her bowls (did I mention she was a champion marbles player and she kept her marbles in bowls?) [tie].

4Extra Terrestrial Cormorant– aka Brandt’s Space Cormorant: the Bird from Space, Brandt’s Cormorant 2000, and Brandt’s Cormorant That Is Also From Space And An Alien Of Some Kind. Not to be confused with Space Brandt’s Cormorant– the cormorant kept by pioneering Moon Colonist, and Noted Birder, Brandt Anders and equipped with a special miniature space suit to study the effects of low gravity on birdflight. Suffice to say, the results were sub-optimal. [INSERT/DRAWING: “Kimberly (2018-2023)” [a cormorant’s head in a space helmet against the vacuum of space]]

5Inside of it.

6Ideally dreams, more likely nightmares. Most likely the ghost nightmares of dead American Indians– and boy are they pissed about the whole “Tomahawk Chop” thing. Oh, and also the land. Mostly the land– but you wouldn’t want to be Ted Turner right now!/unless you like money and the ability to be a semi-respected public figure despite the fact that you are obviously deranged. Anyways/see above: the use of the ‘Modified Slump’.

7Save Xanadu, Dubai, and your Launch Arcos.

8Earth, Fire, Wind, Water, and Talking To Animals. Mostly the latter.

9To the extent that your life can be separated/disentangled and considered apart from these failures. To the extent that they can exist, on their own, as separate entities. Your life and failure, that is.

10Without resorting to labor-intensive and papertrail-creating Excel spreadsheets.

11Remember, this song was written before platinum was invented and way before latinum became the universally accepted physical medium of value in our post-currency future.

12Where X equals the gender you want to fuck, and Y equals the gender you prefer to marry or kill. (In this scenario you are in a dystopian future in which marriage inequality/equality has rendered the term meaningless, and the institution ‘an agreement of affable neutrality between persons of mild to moderate acquaintance’ (depending on whether you are a bigot or a cool person, reverse-respectively)).

13Unless that stick is a pick-axe and you are mining gold.

14Nothing: just ask famously ugly-stick-beaten, Slave Freeing President, Abraham Lincoln; or notoriously mouse hung Hollywood Oldster, George Hamilton.

15The endangered last of the Zubaz holdouts.

16Without companionshiprotein you could catch alonemia? … I’ll workshop that.

17“Eugh– you mean “against whom will you gauge how poorly you are doing at life???” – Bronze Friend

18Counter-intuitive, there is a level of homeliness at which both of the following are true:

– the paramour, multiple DNs below you,* will be flattered and pliable to your otherwise unimpressive charms.

– you can assume, or easily argue, that you thought your friend ‘wasn’t serious’ and that you figured that ‘you’d grab a ride on his/her lopsided tilt-a-whirl’ and your friend will be too ashamed to fight back.

19Or, more accurately, outside his 14 year-old sister’s window. So she’s young: age is just a number! Your dad is six years older than your mom, your grandfather 23 years older than the RN he married– how can you affix such an arbitrary standard as ‘time expired since birth’ to gauge maturity and compatibility. It’s a complete fallacy and yet another social construct– another puritanical sexual more– created so that the liberal nanny state welfare-medico-treatment complex can tell you what you mexican and mexican’t do. Stupid liberals.

20Way classier than the common barncat, the chain-draped, massive-panted teenage busker of the farm food chain.

21See Page 397-398, Addendappendices, “106 Cheap and Creative Ways To Intimidate Small Animals and Children”

22Other benefits of an high-quality Owl call: ; tricking wizards into treating you like their anthropomorphized familiar, thus stealing their confidences;

23Minus bad deeds, of course. (Bad Deeds = debits; Good Deeds = credits).

24Instead of in your least guarded thoughts while you fall from the cusp of sleep, for once.

25As for eating those dreams– just suspend your beak 3-6 centimeters above the interloper’s head; slowly, steadily pull your head back; then whip it forward, in a single motion, as fast as you can, shattering the interloper’s skull; eat dreams.

26Stupid cat– he’d believe anything. [For more Five-Word Epitaphs, see Addendappendices, Page <number>].

27So developmentally disabled their teeth don’t grow in right, What’s the deal with…

28While mostly the realm of chimps, it never hurts to resort to animal profiling when your gonads are at stake.

29You must be Their Two Oedipal Dads– combining the murderous and the shameful fuckability of a Greg Evigan.

30Also completely fucking ruthless.

Fish Kisses Part IV – Arctic Char, Horseshoe Crab, Lobster, Narwhal

November 4 2009

The Way Some Fishes Kiss, Part IV

Arctic Char: Make you mouth as cold as possible to best approximate the frigid clime in which this northernmost of freshwater fish thrives. Then kiss as blandly as possible. So bland that even if your kiss was fried you would still be inclined to smother it in tartar sauce, or vinegar, before kissing it.1

Horseshoe Crab: Best known for its long, pointed tail thing; its frequently shed shell; and its blood that turns blue upon exposure to oxygen,2 the Horseshoe Crab has a lot of rad things going for it. But what most people don’t know is that it is also a deceptive creature, filled to the long, pointed tail thing with secrets. They don’t know this because secrets, by their nature, are not well known.

Well now it can be told! You just have to keep it on the down low because, you know, they won’t be secrets otherwise and the resulting paradox could tear the fabric of space-things in Twain.3

  • Did you not know that the Horseshoe Crab is not a crab at all? It is, instead, a kind of arthropod more closely related to ticks, spiders and scorpions than to the crab! It was just named that in order to avoid inventing/creating the Pennywise-prokking childhood phobias that the existence of Sea Ticks would cause.
  • Did you not know that the Horseshoe Crab is one of the few animals that can regenerate lost limbs? It is but another example of the grace of God that the Horseshoe Crab was creationed docile and harmless; that its long, pointy taillike thing is both completely devoid of poison and not even used for stabbing; and that, unlike a real horseshoe, it is not made of iron– thus making it the TI-59 of the sea, instead of its T-2000.
  • Did you not know that the blue blood of the Horseshoe Crab consists of one type of blood cell, called amebocytes, and that these amebocytes have a clotting factor called coagulogen that can isolate and sequester bacterial infection in the bloodstream, making it (somehow) even more unkillable than it already is?4
  • And that, because of this, Astronauts in Space use their blood to test surfaces for bacterial contamination? Well, a substance made with enzymes from Horseshoe Crab blood, as they are no longer permitted to go to the space station with a full compliment (silo) of Horseshoe Crabs? Something about storage limitations and making weight, I think. That and the kitchen looking like a Zero-G Ekaterinburg. Oh, and unrelenting carcass stink. And the ravenous flocks of Spacegulls that it attracts. Politics, mostly.5
  • But did you also not know that in spite of this the Horseshoe Crab is on the verge of becoming endangered, making them nature’s most stupid/worthless miracle, and prompting a million-dollar ad campaign to save them– both for purposes of research and confusion over their deliciousness?6 It’s truish!
    • Everything is derived from facts at some point.

Anyways, in this kiss you kiss your date deeply and with appropriate tongue while giving them a handy. Slash fingery. It represents the long, pointed taillike thing, or something. Also you could, uh, I don’t know… put on airs or something. Because of the blue blood?

The point is: poontang.

[DIAGRAM: “Horseshoe Crabs: Nature’s Stupid/Worthless Miracle!”]

Lobster: While you are kissing grab your partner’s arms really hard in your claw-like hands. No, wait, fill your mouth with drawn butter and expel it with your kiss. If you are both Lobsters the other person can have red skin potatoes, I guess. Also: put rubber bands around your hands so that you can’t grab titty, fight back.

Alternate Scenario: while you are kissing, jump into a pot of boiling water and die. And be delicious.

Narwhal: Begin from birth. Throughout your youth develop, by way of neglect after abuse after painful misadventure after shameful memory, a rich and deep collection of complexes– enough to snuff out any lingering notion you can ever get past them. Over time fashion these slung arrows into a massive tusk. A psychic face-javelin set to impale anyone who comes remotely close to the puny, undergrown, stunted stump of a whale hiding behind it. Attempt to kiss– just try it– and you will hurt the one you love. You will pierce them with your prodigious protrudance of perturbances. Problems.

Or, if you are |lucky|7 enough to have fallen in love with a fellow Narwhal, you will skewer each other with each attempt; you will die trying.

Just Kidding! A Narwhal is a mammal, not a fish: Do Not Kiss!

1For a variant on this kiss that doesn’t require the imaginary ability to regulate mouth temperature, try the Tilapia, in which the tongue just, mostly, lays there. Lies there? Doesn’t do much.

2Because it has copper in place of iron.

3Mark Twain– noted traveler and documenter of the human condition– whose fictitious exploits with time and space travel (Star Trek: The Next Generation, The Adventures of Mark Twain, Universal Soldier II: The One With Goldberg In It) have made him the universe’s foremost pretend expert in Being Involved In Space-Time Travel For Some Reason.

4Jesus– these things make Randall Cunningham look like a fulfillment of promise. Reference. 000101101010000110110

5PC Fucks.

6That it is ‘very’ instead of ‘the sound of vomiting’.

7The absolute value of fortunate.

Last Minute Hallowe’en Costume Id’eas [Now with POOR FORMATTING due to WordPress Sucking]

October 30 2009

31. Help people build their costumes.

Did last year’s Halloween party impress you with it’s range of original costumes? I didn’t think so. For every The Joker there was there an equal and opposite Lady Wearing Underpants? How many times did you have to suffer through listening to pinch-faced women in rectangle glasses and an up-do describe the relative proximity of their house to Russia? Were there still nomadic packs of vestigal Austin Powerseses wandering around your house, awkwardly grasping for forgotten catch phrases as they tried to chat up yet another Wonder Woman That Was Born Years After Lynda Carter Hung Up The Lasso Of Truth? You have no idea who they are and you don’t remember letting them in your house– although, in retrospect, it does explain why your walls have been begging you to “behave.” Maybe you can finally stop taking all that expensive Disperidone!1 Things are finally starting to look up for old David Berkowitz. Dun dun dun/TIME PARADOX!

Like the aphorism says, “If you want people to come up with less shitty costumes to wear at your Halloween party, you’re going to have to do it yourself by going on a date to a Halloween Store and telling people what costumes to get (and then hopefully this will be paid forward to people who you know, and can stand, and who will be invited to your party).” So let’s do it, then.


What Not To Do

Puns: are a terrible idea. Every year there are two or five self-proclaimed geniuses, or genii, or genies, or genitals. Penis. Who decide to rubix up everybody’s faces with some baffling Mensa test of a costume. And 90% of the time it’s just the constituent words and elements of the thing stuck to, draped over, or painted on some asshole [,,]. And that’s the best case scenario. The rest of the time we’re supposed to cobble together their clever idea from disparate pieces of and vague references to the parts that represent the elements of the thing that they are supposed to allude to. []. A few leaves do not the woods make! It’s an flagrant abuse of synecdoche and I refuse to stand for it! A Black Hefty Bag Covered In Stamps with an Address Label To Which Is Taped A Tiny Easel Supporting A Painting Of Clownface Tim Curry!

“Sure,” you’re saying, “I agree: that shit is The Worst. And I appreciate that you didn’t over-explain that last bit– that you trusted that I would be able to decipher that that costume was the shitty metonymic “pun”-based costume version of that thing you just said. You didn’t condescend to me, and I respect that. But puns on the idea of puns. Uns? THAT”S JUST AS BAD. How am I supposed to use my costume to ruin these jerks?” Don’t worry, friend. I’ve got you covered.

Instead: subtly, obliquely, deep-reachingly, nigh-incomprehensibly, almost-invisbly, not really mock them by going as your favorite Knock Knock Joke. Or, even better, go as my favorite Knock Knock Joke:

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who’s There?

Q: How does Henry Winkler get around Chicago?

A: How does Henry.. what?

Q: He takes the CT-Ehhhhhhhhhh!!!

Just wear a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and tape some old bus passes to it. Then, at the party, talk like The Fonz But With A Chicago Accent, and eat a hot dog with a pickle spear, tomato slice, and hot pepper on it. If they can’t figure it out, it’s there problem.



Tips to Improve Obvious/Overused Ideas

Make It From Reams of Felt and Other Tactilely-Compelling Materials: Touch is the best and most underrated sense! Coy costume touches and lingering handrubs can be a prelude to Doin’ It! (Doin’ It is awesome!)!/.

The Whole Cast of Something (That Isn’t Usually Represented By Costumes at a Party):

You want to avoid the latest big success (The Dark Knight, Mad Men, Crystal Meth) but also want to avoid being too insular, niche, retro, or nerdy (Buckaroo Banzai, Northern Exposure, Ketracel-White). Eraserhead is too pretentious! How I Met Your Mother is too generic! What about Everybody Loves Raymond— that would have a nice demi-ironic/slightly sincere inexplicability. Or Space Ghost. Who doesn’t love Space Ghost?3

People Who Were Interesting At A Certain Place and Point In Time, But Who Haven’t Been Played Out Yet: Ditch the Hero (Chesley Sullenberger) and Get with the Zero (Zero Mostel).

Technology Is a Pretty Big Deal These Days: For the love of Gods, don’t be something Twitter-based. Instead, take your costume ideas from Google Searches you’ve done. Unique like Snowflake, the albino celeb-baby of Salman Rushdie and The Ridiculously Hot Lady From Top Chef,4 your search history is a perfect generator for original ideas as long as none of your friends are NSA. Here’s a list-bit!/:

blood thesaurus

1989 chevy astro

linda blair topess

linda blair topless

aspergum family size

birds of the pacific northwest

linda blair with no shirt on

jack nicklauson smash them up

that chick from the Exorcist exposing her breasts5


Two Major Costume Concepts (For You To Work With)

1. You at a Different Part of Your Life:

Your in-store goal here is more evangelism than actual construction tips, as it is unlikely the fly-by-night Halloween costume store carries the necessary rat tail or laser backdrop to re-create your Third Grade School Picture. Which brings us to another list(s):

Past Ideas

Third Grade School Picture

Upside: Charming. Rat tails are winners/pussy magnets, laser backdrops doubly so.

Downside: Would probably require [crossout]victim[/crossout] customer to wear a large (very large) and cumbersome piece of foam core board, or paperboard, or cork, or

You, Being Born

Upside: Other than Spaghetti-O’s, most of the stuff you need will be located in-store.

Downside: This is a bad idea, and gross. Use only if the person you are helping seems to be sort of a scumbag.

Your First Kiss/Time/Heartbreak

Upside: Romantical, good for picking up people, ladies in particular (I assume). Maybe not your First Time.

Downside: Need to be a regular Marcel Duchamp to capture and convey a half-hour to forty five minutes of fruitless (and slightly confusing) thrusting, unsure of whether you are even inside or if she just doesn’t want to break the bad news.

A Mistaken Idea You Had About How The World Worked

Upside: Clever A good conversation starter– requires explanation and broaches a topic that people are inclined to indulge themselves in deeply: nostalgia, their own stupid lives, and memories. Speaking of which…

You, Lying In Bed At Night, Realizing Exactly What Death Means

Upside: There is no upside.

Downside: You have to spend the night thinking about how, at some point, you will no longer be able to think about no longer being able to think; life will continue and yet you won’t be able to partake in it, or even realize it is happening.

Future Ideas

Your Face When You Realize That Social Security Ain’t Got Nothing For You

You can either go as the actual full-body face (think lots of papier maiche, plaster of paris, or, if you’re rich, human skin) or as you, yourself, on that fateful day when you realize you’ve been gipped! By the government!

You, On Your True Love’s Wedding Day (To Somebody Else)

An off-color tux, or cheap suit, strategically disheveled to convey the act of Drunkenness. Fake tears to get in character any time somebody asks what you’re dressed as. Do Not Tell Them– turn away, apply the tears, then turn back around and knock them out with your teeth grit and terse visibly insincere toast. Or off-key rendition of the first six bars of “Alison” (before being tackled/escorted away).

The Electoral Map in 2036

So much burnt umber…

You, In The Grave, Open Casket (Casket Optional)

Make sure to capture the unreality of the best efforts of the mortuary restorative artist to dampen your creeping rictus with visibly thick layers of ‘naturalistic’ makeup; make sure to look a little bit like a life-size plasticine action figure of your own damn self.

The Happiest Day of the Rest of Your Life

Picnic blanket, some felt that represents a sunny day that turns, out of nowhere, to a light rainstorm, forcing your party to scramble for shelter; try to imagine what your spouse and child(ren) will look like and recreate that shit in photoshop or sock puppetry. What game will you play while you pass the time in the dugout / eat the picnic in your car?

2. Someone Else You Know at a Different Part of Their Life:

Now’s your chance to stick it to those faggots. That’s right– in this scenario you, or the person you are helping, are a creepy bigot with weird and ineffectual ideas about vengeance. Well get ready for your imaginary enemies to squirt blood tears, because here come some real gay-bashers!6

What about that Ex who decided that, instead of being in love with you, what they loved was Anything Else. No one can break up with you and get away with it! THINK OF THE PRECEDENT THIS IS SETTING. How will the ladies and/or fellas know that your genitals are a formidable pleasure factory, virtually guaranteed to flood their light red district with enough blood to deprive their brain of proper function, thus rendering them totally pliable to your gross ideas of where tongues should go?7 DON”T LET THEM TRIFLE WITH YOUR GENTLENESS! Don’t let months of diligent wiping go to waste. Show everyone just how rash and unwise your former paramour is when it comes to making major life decisions by going as Their Bank Statements.

Step one – Find out where they are keeping their financial records

Step two – Breaks into those shits

Step three – Fasten them to your nude, throbbing litheness using spare fluids and juices you find in their room/bed.

How will they be able to trust his/her bodily opinions once they find out they wasted six grand on lapdances / It’s their own fault– they should have shredded their financials twice if they didn’t want everyone to know how much they spent at Sur le Face, their social security number!

Who do your parents think they are, telling you when to shower, how clean your room should be, and where and where not to post your address, ADT pin number? If you Go as Someone Willing To Drink Anything Given To You, No Questions Asked, then you can finally show them how much the boss of you they are not!8

How about that who thinks they’re hot shit but they’re really just cold diarrhea? Show them that they are Number Two by dressing up as Your Worst Enemy When They Realize That– As Someone Who Had The Misfortune Of Marrying Someone With The Grossest Pecadillo– This Is Your Life Now: Recreating, Photographically, Every Urban Dictionaried Sex Act For Display On The Internet. Sure, you might be Number 2,459,012,737– but at least you’re not projected to one day rock a doo-moustache for a living. At least no one will ever believe you were the grinning recipient of a Nunavut Birthday Cake. Win!

1The unfortunately named Risperidone generic.

2Technically, she would be (a) Serial/Cereal Killed…

3A: No one worth knowing.

4Gael Greene– is it just me?

5Bonus Fact!!: if you type “average” in the Google bar of your brower, the top suggestion is “average penile length.” It is six slots ahead of “average weight for women,” showing, once and for all, whose deck the “media-based body image” card should be in. (A: Dudes with tiny dicks).

6Scenarically speaking, of course.

7“In your Whathole?”

8~ 36ml not!

Fish Kisses Part III – Anemone, Clownfish, Hermit Crab, Baltic Squid

October 19 2009

Anemone:  Did you know that Sea Anenomes can swim away from predators? What the fuck? That’s like if corn could beat feet every time harvest came around. Think of the children and their stupid Sadie Hawkins dances that won’t work! Or Homecoming? I wasn’t popular. 

  1. Open your mouths.

  2. Wider than that.

  3. No. Too wide.

  4. Ok, good.

  5. Press your lips against each others’ lips.

  6. Create a loose seal that you can quaver, make flexing motions with.

This is called the Sea Anenome’s Prom(ise Ring), or: The Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.



Clownfish:  Whether crying or glimmering a murderous glint from underneath a sewer grate, clowns are horrifying. Awful, awful creatures. In this simulation YOU1 will dress up in the bizarre, baggy, brightly-hued outfit of the professional clown– a costume long since having outlast whatever sliver of significance or meaning it might have ever meant– and, absent-mindedly, standing as lax and slack as humanly possible, flitter your lips against each others’ as if feeding off floating flakes.2

Occasionally dart. Occasionally honk the horn you’ve let hang limp at your side while you, dispirited, ‘kiss’ with just your lips and face. The Riverdance of making out (but with clowns).


Hermit Crab:  Your tongue lives in a shell inside your date’s mouth. It is fed by your date; colorful gravel pieces and, perhaps, a castle are added to keep it happy. It thrives.

Over time it grows larger, requiring a new shell. There are, unfortunately, parenthetically, no other shell-bearing creatures in your date’s face– not any that could shed a shell large enough to accommodate your still-growing tongue.

Unaware of its predicament, your tongue keeps growing, gets fatter and longer. It starts to press uncomfortably against the walls of its home; it starts to clip the edges of the shell and get cut. Soon soreness becomes the status quo and the wounds from the shell’s smooth lip start to ulcerate and flower with whitish-yellow foam, and crust. The tongue is trapped now: even if a new shell somehow appeared, the tongue would be unable to leave its cramped mausolehome to take advantage. It has resigned itself to death and it does, soon after, die.

It rots there for three days until the date’s mom notices it flipped over and floating in your date’s soup. She replaces it with a tongue that looks almost exactly the same.


Baltic Squid:  A fictional beast known to “suck the bolts out of a submarine’s hull,” the Baltic Squid’s non-existence should not preclude it from being celebrated in the form of trying a gross and remarkably inefficient/non-erotic new way to kiss. This scenario sees the couple intent to remove, through the sheer power of tongue and suction, each other’s crowns, bridgework, partial dentures, orthodontic miscellany, and fillings. The extracted oral architecture is to be spit into a pestle and, when the make out has finished, ground into a fine dust. This dust will then be sold to buy old drugs.3


Alternate Ending:  If you take this dust to the dentist within 36 hours, he or she should probably be able to smelt it down into an all-purpose mouth goop/some kind of magical teeth panacea, which he can then use to fix upwards of two-thirds of the damage you re-caused to each other. Baltic Squid!






2That’s the fish part.

3Mostly expired vicodin and some laudanum.

They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Oyster, Dolphin, Seahorse, Ray, Manta Ray, Sea Cucumber

October 14 2009

Oyster:  Known worldwide, maybe, as an aphrodisiac, the oyster is one of the most sensual kisses a date can give another date. Apricot. Any lonely single who can master this ancient erotic art is guaranteed not to be single for very long, and any lonely betrothed who takes it upon themselves to add this luxurious act to their bedroom repertoire in order to spice up their long dormant sex life will find they have a leg up on the competition when their discontent in their terrible relationship inevitably sends them into the arms of another.

          Like any highly prized skill, the oyster’s kiss is simple to learn, but requires dedication, an incredibly strong jaw, and durable teeth to master. First: fill your mouth with cum. Then, when you start to kiss, refuse to open your mouth– just lock it down tighter than <comedy option>! Confused, your date will try multiple face approaches, assuming you mean to meet their kiss but they’ve screwed up some how– do not meet it! They will then laugh about it, partly due to the awkwardness of the situation, partly in an attempt to trick you into opening your mouth– do not fall for it! In their frustration, and feeling justifiably insulted, they will then try to open your jaw with their hands [and force their way in]– cut their fingers with your long calcified chin and philtrum!/. The next part is where your dedication and long hours of practice pay off as, hurt both physically and emotionally, your date will try to pry open your mouth with a tool– a screwdriver (if you’re lucky), or a hammer (if you’re reading this at a hospital, desperately trying to figure out ‘what happened’ and ‘where are you’).
          If they manage to slip the screwdriver between your lips and, somehow, after removing years of accumulated plaque (the mouth’s first line of defense) and yard upon yard of gum tissue, find a way to fit their blood-stained tool between your clamped teeth– open up and show them what they’ve won! Spit the cum all over their face! It was your pearl!

Get it!?


Dolphin:  A dolphin is not a fish; it is a mammal. Do not kiss.


Seahorse:  The elegant aquatic equus, tender trans-man of the sea, to capture the majesty of the genus hippocampus is foremost a matter of shaping your body into an s-like hook, demuring down your head, extending your mouth as far as it can reach from your face and touching it to somebody else’s, preferably while emitting tiny bubbles (somehow).

          Later, if you have kids, the dad will have to carry them. A lot/in his arms– I’m not asking for the impossible here. A picture of an overcooked hot dog splitting apart in the microwave.1


Ray:  Ray drives a van in the back of which are strewn buckets and pieces of scaffolding and ladders. He paints houses. Does weather sealing. Cleans gutters. In this town he has done work for almost everyone and everyone knows who he is. A girl is molested. He has white paint in his van and spent rollers and stiff brushes stiff from paint. He has no family and lives in a garagetop apartment on the outskirts of town.2


Manta Ray:  Skin flaps. Skates and rays are best known for their body made out of skin flaps and their long pointed tail. Make your mouth wide– make your mouth as wide as you can while still maintaining a certain slackness, and while still being able to purse, somewhat, your lips. Apply these lips to a complimentary pair. Once pressed together– and this may be difficult– ripple your lips on and inside each others’. Ripple them like a ray’s body might while gliding undersea.

And then, out of nowhere, dart your tongue– sharp like a barb, or at least rolled as slim and pointed as possible– into their mouth. Into their gums or, inside their gums, into the side of their interior cheek.
          Glide, stiff and hunting, along the outside of the teeth. Look for an opening to leap from the water and strike/impale the uvula, ripping it from this world in the prime of its life, widowing its wife3 and orphaning its child.4 YOU MOTHER FUCKER, RAY!5


Sea Cucumber:  Hot cloaca on cloaca action!




1An entry on seahorses without a single reference to Junior— ten points to Hufflepuff!

2Of course it was a family member; of course the one incident, once public, sparked two past cases to resurface and then two more and he never escapes the taint of accusation.

3That string that goes from the base of the back of the bottom row of teeth to, presumably, where the tongue starts.

4An eight year old deposit of built up inter-molar tartar. Gross.

5I Will Cut Off Your Dick And Feed It To Your Ass! And Then To Your Face! (Your Face Ass!)!/.