102. Co-Dreaming/Shared Consciousness
You know how you have to be extremely careful about how loud you are thinking when you are lying (laying?)1 with the one you love– clenching tightly shut your temporal lobe, if not actively crafting false thoughts to leave littered throughout your consciousness (like depth charges, set to scramble any attempt to detect your true and actual self) lest he or she be able to hear your thoughts, thus literally figuratively cutting your brain hair, Thus Stealing Your ABILITIES?2
Well this symptom of late-onset schizophrenia need no longer be solely the impetus for desperate and misguided acts of self-preservation;3 it is also possible to ‘use your illusion’4 to create a mutually transcendent experience– to build a bridge between body and soul and consciousness (without wasting your materials budget on dicks and tongues).
Unlike the vulgarities of spoken and kinesic communication,5 the sweet cohabitents6 of Shared Consciousness can neither mislead nor betray; it cannot cajole or manipulate or flatter; it can’t ramble, beseech, cloy, or blaspheme maybe; it is a notably poor contrivist and its entreaties are but effete pesters. Divination, without the rod; clairvoyance without the ants7— yes, Co-Dreaming is quite swell.8 And it can be yours’ to employ if you follow the following skull-sealing tips:
Solder – there’s two ways you can go with this:
1. Classic – stick the solder in the soldering tube and solder your heads together.
2. Nuevo – lay the solder sticks between your mutual head(s) and then place the heated metal rod inside the gap and wait for it.
Shunt – find a nice, solid stalk of bamboo; chop of the ends, rendering it a tube; uneven the edge, giving the ends a nice sharp slope; place tube on pillow, laying (lying?) your heads down on either side; grasp hands for comfort; squeeze.
Entwined Irises – Butterfly Make-out (butterfly kiss each others’ eyes) until it sticks.
Magic Words – chants and mantras aren’t just for deranged directors who believe they could fly if only enough people just clapped their lotus-bowed thighs hard enough– it’s also for future ambiphrenics,9 such as yourself and your date.
X1000 Intercranial Surveillance System – the internet provides.10
Mutual Deception – “Oh, no… that was totally what I was thinking too.” “I, uh, know!”
Now that you are simpatico, and you’ve waited the appropriate amount of time for your bridge to cool/scab, it’s time to test this egret out!11 Enjoy your newfound intimacy with the following shared-consciousness activities:
Sing a song singing every other word: I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue style, apparently!
Go for a synchronized swim: serve those smug, lithe, perversely non-erotic Anastasias a synchronized assbeat!12
Make surprisingly adequate love: both in the sense of disappointingly non-spectacular and appointingly competent-for-once!
Yell at each other about the kinds of thoughts you’ve got: henpecking/cockmocking to know no bounds!
Win a dance contest: possible pun-based teamnames- The Wa2si, The Cabbage Match, The Breakin’ 2: Mimetic Twogaloo(?), The Bat, You See? (and then you dress up as a bat, V-bow your eyesline)!
Wince ‘no’ at Dan’s etc.: waste this opportunity by using your new dual-core processing capabilities on stupid word puzzles!
Try futilely to psych each other out: until somebody(‘s ankle) gives!
Write each other’s autobiography: finally, objective subjectivity!
Totally get to find out what it is like to have a peener/’giner: Straights only!
Remember edenic bliss / acorporeal harmony: a place without the pain of reality where my heart will not tremble!13
Co-Dreamers— delight in the fact that dreams, unlike thoughts, have spectral legs that reach through skulls and skin and sink into any very, very nearby sentience. All you have to do is sleep with your temples nested neatly in to each other thus allowing for the non-invasive transfer of important Dream-Inventing Precancerous Sleep-Hewn Ichorous Transcendence Soma14 from person to person. In order for the dreams to circulate correctly, however, both temples need to be touching which, unless you are gelatinous, vaporic, or otherwise bone-lite, could require some tricky manipulations. Fortunately, some cave-dwelling Einstein invented the pictorial form as a method by which to secure visual knowledge through the generations.15 So, DIAGRAMS!/:
[DIAGRAM: Three Positions]
Help each other out of recursive re-enactment of nostalgic traumas: secret away to slit the throat of the dog that knocks them into traffic; use your newly gigantic hands to catch the milkglass before its spilt; secret away to knock into traffic the future murderer of your childhood pet; BGAHh– damn you, auto-fellatio and your neck-snapping, somnolescent traps!16
Distract the mind tiger: lure it into one of their house’s infinite corridors and keep reaching for the door!
Catch them when they fall with your ever expanding hands: but make sure not to think about thinking about not falling (or you, too, will throw yourself over)!
Get peed on: with bonus real-life Damp Pants!
Yell at each other about the kinds of dreams you’ve got: chickpicking/roosterbeinganasshole to extend to absurd mindtrash, garbled unmemories!
Be an accessory to patricide/momophilia: hold him down, splay her apart; or vice versa!
Dampen sandtrain to cease creeping, all-consuming paralytic sensations/end incorporeal dread: see number four./!
Shine flashlight on shadow-faced monster: the Tenebrous ur-Fiend was… A Moth’s Body with My Adult Face On It!17
Translate backwards-talk, cryptic gibberish, and the squiggles that there are instead of writing: All of a sudden you have a quintuple doctorate in Linguistics18 in the dream!
Precipitate Ragnarok: stick heavy revolvers in their hands when they aren’t looking.19
1“With the fellas it’s always one or the other Or Usually Both– am I right, also fellas!?” – Chad Clifford Christopher, ‘Battle Of The Same-Sexes’ comic
2Q: Myeah, lily– where’s your Messiah now? A: LEAFED ENTIRELY IN SWEET, SWEET GOLD [note: I don’t remember what I was going for here. I assume lily is short for Delilah, but I’m not sure why she would be being mocked by Edward G. Robinson for having shorn Samson; the gold leaf bit is entirely opaque (even in the context of trying to affect schizophrenia). -ed.]
3Put down the Mixtape That Is Also A Map Of The Places In The City At Which You’ve Spent Time With The Love of Your Life Upon Whom You Will Never Make a Discernible Move– the one that is also an acrostic spelling-out of her birth date/city– you can do this stupid thing now instead!
4‘Izzy Stradlin’ is an anagram for ‘Lucid Dreaming’ SLASH not a reference to Guns ‘n’ Roses but an overly subtle/intrinsically confusing diagnostic portmanteau in which ILLness is posited to be the root of deLUSION.
5The ‘F’ Bomb and The Bird, respectively.
6Shared contents / Mind tents.
7Those stupid, computer-tampering Hasids will be so jealous. Take that, Hasids!/Mind ants.
8Insofar as its revelations are likely the product of encephalitis/inter-cranial swelling/a tumor.
9‘Both minds’, not to be confused with ‘amphibrenics’, or frog-brained individuals– those slimy, cold-blooded, demi-aquatic creepos: always croakin’, never wearing tails; just grabbing broads with their nuptials and then JO’ing in a pond.
10It converted a few measly 1s and 0s into a global network capable of feeding the entire world’s hunger for pornography.
11The egret, well-known amongst birders to be the most poorly behaved, or ‘baddest’, bird./This should be just about where the footnote equivalent of “Mrs. Houston yelling at me to stop dicking around after I made gun fingers/sounds when being taught the structure of a flower” happens (for this article).
14Did you know that dreams are what causes cancer? Also: another crummy riddle obtaining nomenclature yuks multivalently.
15Important lessons such as “use a spear to kill food” and “horse”.
16Secret spine-twisting ending to Fight Club director’s cut– Tyler Durden the devertabrating result of dousing your rod after eating six Ambien.
18Fantastical Syntax, Metamorphology, National Grammatical Socialism, Scitenohp, and Semaphore.