Posts Tagged ‘AvB’


August 28 2011

A. Do you think the female bodybuilder ever finds true love?
B. Every single one? Or do you have a specific example
A. All of them. The whole genus.
B. Species?
A. You know I didn’t take a science class after my junior year of high school
B. I am also winging it.
A. I don’t think they do.
B. Not a single one? Ever?
A. No. Not really. Not real love.
B. Not like we had.
A. Too soon.
A. She’s too… I can’t put my finger on it
B. Muscular?
A. That’s part of it, but.
B. Masculine.
A. Also part, but. I,
B. Out with it
A. How did she happen? I don’t trust it.
B. So you think that the desire to arrive at that body is a sickness
A. I didn’t say that.
B. Didn’t you?
A. N–
B. Don’t bullshit yourself!
A. Anyways, I mean — men too
B. That’s right, try to spin out of it
A. No, seriously though, male bodybuilders I also don’t trust, but
B. It’s a dude thing
A. Yeah. At least — least— it’s part of some dumb narrative of maleness slash masculinity.
B. Aw, out loud slash. An ‘or’ would suffice
A. … Anyways
B. Anyways…
A. Anyways, … shit.
B. Forgot what you were going to say
A. Yeah.
B. You were telling me what sick fucks lady bodybuilders were and why, as a result, they are undeserving of love
A. I genuinely pity them.
B. Yeah. What I said.
A. That’s not fair.
B. Honestly, they probably don’t need your condescension. They can fight their own battles. Because they are totally jacked.
A. I’m just saying that no one will ever love them and it makes me feel sad.
B. Well, male body builders, I bet. Like with porn stars.
A. What?
B. They pair off because no one else will take them.
A. Now who’s condescending
B. That’s not condescension. It’s reality dosed with contempt.
A. And that’s so much better.
B. I’m not saying it’s better, I’m just saying at least I’m not Lancelotting them.
A. Lay it out for me like I’ve never been to a ren faire
B. You’re pretending to be their champion when really you just want to fuck their wife.
A. What’s the wife in that scenario? What am I supposed to be after?
B. The appearance of being a decent human being? I don’t know. I’m pretty drunk right now.
A. I thought you stopped.
B. I did cut back, but you just happened to catch me on an off night.
A. An on night. …or cut foward, maybe.
B. Baffling. Baffling why you haven’t found anyone yet.
B. Sorry.
A. Can we please just discuss the plight of the female bodybuilder.
B. Sure.
A. No pasts. No futures. Just one vast, everlasting female bodybuilder cradling us in her infinite, indistinguishable bosom.
B. So you think that they’re sad.
A. Yesss. Well, I feel bad for them.
B. Because
A. Because I don’t think they will ever truly be loved.
B. Unlike… continue
A. Like you said, I bet they do pair off with male bodybuilders. But, like you said, there is a professional alliance aspect to it.
B. I didn’t say that.
A. You didn’t?
B. I said that they paired off because no one else wanted their freak asses.
A. Oh right. And I said that that underplayed the comparative lack of stigma against male bodybuilders– who while certainly deeply unappealing, and muscular to the point of losing functionality, still would have a comparative wealth of options  compared to their narrativeless female counterparts.
B. And you did not say that. And you used comparative twice in the same sentence. Three if you count compared.
A. I did?
B. Yeah– you’re drunk too, aren’t you?
A. A little.
B. When did you start drinking?
A. When did you start shuttingup and letting me discuss lady bodybros?
B. I will take that for a ‘since we broke up’
A. Well no technical shit. I didn’t drink then but do drink now. Ok?
B. Continue.
A. Thank you. …what was I saying?
B. Professional alliances.
A. Do you think that maybe I shouldn’t feel bad for them?
B. That is what I’ve been saying.
A. No, not. I’m not condescending I’m being a fucking human being.
B. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.
A. But because they have that professional alliance
B. If that’s the case
A. Right. If they do marry off, or just fuckbuddy cluster with their male fellow male bodybuilders
B. Or female
A. That’s right! I didn’t think about that. I bet a lot of them are dykes!
B. D– really?
A. Ohhhh no
B. Well, they do seem water resistant. I’ll assume you meant dams.
A. A real lesbian would be ok with that, though, probably.
B. Ehh. Let’s just move on under the auspices of ‘If a dyke falls in the woods…’
A. Ok, now we’re even.
B. Not really.
A. But I don’t think that they are.
B. Lesbians?
A. I remember hearing that they weren’t.
B. Where? All of them?
A. Pumping Iron II, maybe?
B. No, we tried to rent that but no one had it, remember? I mean, unless you
A. No. I haven’t.
B. But still, all of them can’t be gay or straight
A. Do you think the les ones would even be into that nonsense?
B. Maybe?? They did do it to themselves after all
A. But that’s just because they got raped or touched bad when they were young.
B. … You’re saying that as if you know
A. I wasn’t raped.
B. I , I don’t even know what to do with this.
A. I wasn’t.
B. That’s. I thought we were just going to have a fun conversation about lady bodybuilders from now on. Remember?
A. We are.
B. No.
A. No?
B. Do you ever wish we were still together.
A. I mean,
B. Neither do I.
A. I bet they’re nuts in bed though…
B. Agreed.


les femmes culturistes

Helas pour le femme culturiste!


#545 & #368

August 23 2011

A. I want to touch you every single place
B. Yeah?
A. Yeah.
B. Well what’s the hold up
A. I’m stuck behind bars
B. Oh, right.
A. In the big House. Can’t get out.
B. This must be a lonely time for you.
A. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
B. How so?
A. Cellmates.
B. Oh right.
A. It turns out prison, is not the best place to hold an awesome manners contest.
B. I hope they’re not mistreating you.
A. Well. It could be worse.
B. That’s a relief.
A. Is it?
B. That was code for you haven’t been raped, right?
A. Yeah.
B. That’s a relief, then.
A. Yeah
B. What? This was your own dumb idea
A. Yeah…
B. We don’t have to keep doing this, you know. It is still a free country.
A. It is?
B. Yeah! Totally. Well… sort of.
A. Mm. Like the sound of that. What’s it like on the outside?
B. Of prison? Or, of the solar system?
A. No we did stranded astronaut last time.
B. In space no one can destroy your butthole in the shower.
A. In space there is also no exit strategy.
B. Wha? I found an extra space rocket. And went to space in it. So you could touch on me.
A. I do like touching on you.
B. Spoilers!
A. Do you think I would like you better if you had spoilers?
B. Like, secrets?
A. No. Like a tail fan.
B. I… can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.
A. I am being sincere.
B. Really.
A. Yeah. I just want to know if you think that I think that.
B. Oh.
A. I’m not saying I want to get on a Ferrari.
B. I don’t really know how I would have a spoiler. Or why.
A. Well if it’s any consolation I’m pretty sure no one knows why they have a spoiler.
B. Is it a wind resistance thing?
A. Probably not. And you could have one just natural. You were born with it.
B. Wait. So is it some kind of skin and bone spoiler?
A. No. It’s metal.
B. So in this scenario I killed my mom coming out of the womb. Or at least , ugh. Nope. Can’t think about it.
A. No. She’s fine. It grows with you. Somehow.
B. Huh.
A. I don’t think I would want you to have one permanently but it would be cool for a little while.
B. Huh
A. Is the answer.
B. What exactly about my spoiler would do it for you?
A. Touching on it, for one.
B. It’s metal, tho
A. I touch metal. I’ve touched hay. I’ve touched fire. I’ll touch any stupid thing.
B. No. I mean. Where’s the pleasure in that. Skin’s soft and has that fleshiness to it. It provokes a response– a series of responses even.
A. Oh, the metal is connected to you on the inside also. So it also — you feel it.
B. It has nerve endings?
A. I don’t know about that per se, but it responds the same. Or similar.
B. And it’s metal.
A. Instead of skin, yes.
B. Is this just a boredom thing?
A. I ain’t bored with you yet. Don’t bother.
B. Ain’t bothering. I mean, is it more, a variety thing. What would metal be like.
A. Hm. It is, partly. But…
B. But?
A. Well, if it was just a variety thing I think it would’ve made more sense to imagine you a robot or android or even just a cyborg of some kind.
B. So that the metal was entirely my skin?
A. Yeah. I mean, now that I say that, that is definitely an interest. Probably moreso than a spoiler, but…
B. But.
A. There’s something about it as an object. Off of you but also a part. Like a fat tail.
B. A fat metal tail.
A. I could hold onto it like handlebars while getting mouths-on witchoo.
B. Witch me.
A. That could be good, too.
B. One at a time.
A. Some kind of robo-witch…
B. ##I Have Made >>FILTHY METAL CONGRESS<< With The Cyber-Beast##
B. Whus that?
A. It’s 666 in binary.
B. Oh. Cool.
A. Is it?
B. You know it’s actually 616.
A. No… I’m pretty sure that was 666.
B. No, I mean. The number of the beast.
A. Did they change it?
B. Sort of. Apparently it had been mistranslated all along, and it was supposed to be 616.
A. Huh.
B. I want to say it was supposed to be a reference to some kind of pope or anti-pope or maybe a Roman leader of some kind. Maybe Caligula? No wait, Nero.
A. This is really bumming me out.
B. Yeah. Three sixes is way cooler.
A. I’m actually a little sad now.
B. Aw. I mean, I could be misremembering this.
A. No, that sounds familiar.
B. Also, I mean. Folks also corrected the zodiac, finally, but I’m pretty sure everyone still uses their old signs.
A. They did what? Ah, c’mon!
B. That’s the advantage of believing in nonsense, though! Who cares if it’s right! You gotta demote Pluto but you can still be a May-birthday Gemini.
A. Man, I. I have to take a second to adjust to living in a 616 world.
B. Here. Rest your head on my spoiler.
A. Really?
B. It’s nice and cool and metal. Freshly waxed, hot yellow just for you.

A. Would you turn safe search off for me?
B. How do you mean?
A. If you were google searching my image, and you saw me. Would you want to see more?
B. Yes. Absolutely.
A. Ok, but, I mean, would you intentionally search me for the purpose?
B. Of seeing you nude?
A. Of seeing me filthy.
B. Ew.
A. Of seeing me nude, yes. Would you click that image tab knowing that you were going to turn moderate to unsafe.
B. Well, I always have safe search off. But yes. I would look for you that way.
A. Wait. How do you do that?
B. Turn safe search off?
A. Yeah.
B. Turn safe search, off.
A. But I do that! A lot! And it always just turns back to moderate after I close my browser.
B. Do you have cookies on?
A. No.
B. Well that’s why.
A. Huh.
B. If you want to automatically get every available gentleness you are going to need to let everyone on the internet always know where you’re at.
A. Really?
B. Well, even more so than you already do just from using it.
A. Sad.
B. Them’s the …
A. Tough cookies
B. Dah! Yes. It’s how they crumble.
A. Wait. Is tough cookies a phrase? Or is that just what a person is?
B. No, I’m pretty sure it’s a phrase.
A. So you want to see me naked.
B. Yes. A lot. Often.
A. Well if that’s not an invitation I don’t know what is.
B. Consider yourself R.S.V.P.’d
A. Recreationally Sexed Very Persuasively. ‘d?
B. Railme Si’l Vous Plait
A. Ah… Oui
—————– later —————–
B. Have you ever turned safe search off for me?
A. Do you have n00dz?
B. Ugh. No.
A. You seem very disgusted by that for someone who is currently quite n00d.
B. Don’t say it that way. Come on.
A. Sorry, d00d.
B. Geh. …have you, though?
A. I guess not, no.
B. Is it because you just assumed I didn’t have any hot(t) pix(x)?
A. Well I’m not sure why you get to say that and I don’t get to say n00ds, but yeah, more or less. It never occurred to me.
B. I don’t.
A. I figured.
B. Well, not online.
A. Mm. Really?
B. Yeah. I hope.
A. What are we talking about? Grainy sexts? Skeezy polaroids? Flash-in-the-mirror selfpix? Game Boy Camera fuckgif?
B. Actually, sort of all of the above.
A. Even–
B. Except the Game Camera Fuck Tape.
A. Game Boy Camera. Fuck Gif.
B. Yes. No.
A. Aw man, imagine if though.
B. Yes, it’s certainly the What If to end all What Ifs– are we really talking about Nintendos instead of my hot naked body and its ubiquity amongst pervy strangers?
A. Sorry. I’ll drop the nerd act and put on my possessiveness pants and jealousy… jodhpurs.
B. That’s two pairs of pants honey.
A. Yeah. In case I get a hole in one.
B. Asshole.
A. *bad joke dance*
B. Ugh. Moderate safe search back on *grabs pants, drapes over A’s it*
A. Aw. C’mon. And I hate to break it to you but you are definitely naked on the internet.
B. You said you never looked!
A. I mean, I haven’t actually seen you. Also, I’m not sure what kind of celebrity you take yourself for, but knowing your name wouldn’t exactly help.
B. Then how do you know I’m naked online?
A. I mean, I assume you sent these pics to other people and you weren’t just sexting yourself for creepy sadness purposes.
B. Well, yeah.
A. Well, there you go.
B. But they said they wouldn’t post them.
A. Ha. Ok.
B. What? You don’t know.
A. Sure, and I’m sure you’re also Still Being Friends.
B. More or less.
A. Wait, really? You’re actually still friends with your Pix Pal?
B. I’m still friends with all my Pix Pals.
A. Oh.
B. Oh, wow. What an ‘Oh’!
A. What?
B. What– c’mon. You were all excited about my Game Gear Blowjob Vids and now you look like you’ve seen a ghost. A bunch of ghosts. That I fucked. Also and Instead of you.
A. Game Boy, but that’s not it. I was just thinking that I guess that does actually decrease the chances that you’ll show up online.
B. Well I was just thinking that it’s a good thing you wore both of those pairs of pants.
A. Yeah. Well. Maybe. I guess.
B. Aw.
A. Whut.
B. Awww.
A. I don’t need your awe.
B. AwrrrrrrRRRR-ruff. Roo rroo.
A. Just your reverence and unquestioning, slavish devotion will suffice.
B. I am your dog at love.
A. And I your … bestiality enthusiast.
B. : /
A. You sort of painted me into a corner.
B. A creepy fuck corner.
A. The best kind of corner.
B. Rrrrrrrff RRrrr-rooof
A. Yeah. You get in that corner.
B. *Pants*
A. *Depants*


August 19 2011

A. I don’t want to go to sleep.
B. I sort of do, though.
A. No, come on. Just stay up a little bit with me.
B. How little.
A. Li’l.
B. Apostrophe ‘L’
A. Yeah. Just a li’l.
B. So… five minutes? two minutes?
B. I’m tired, I don’t want to be up forever.
A. 17 minutes.
B. Why seventeen?
A. One for every year we’ve been together.
B. Uh, it’s only been
A. On earth.
B. …that is also not the case.
A. You don’t know my life.
B. I do a little.
A. No. Just a li’l.
B. Still.
A. Sti’l.
B. Ok. Seventeen it is. *reaches for phone*
A. No, you have to stay up with me though
B. I am, I am. I’m just setting my alarm.
A. …fair enough.
B. I’ve got to get up tomorrow and I want to get at leas
A. No, quit it.
B. Yes! I need to g
A. No, not that. I’ve only got 17 minutes to save your life. I don’t want to waste another second hearing about your what you’re going to do after its over.
B. After -my life- is over?
A. When you sleep.
B. I’m sorry, what
A. No. No time to be sorry. You’re getting weaker by the second.
B. Oh. Ok.
A. I can only save you if you let me, ok?
B. Sure. You can save me.
A. Nice try. But it’s not going to be that easy.
B. … Are you sure you’re not already asleep?
A. Almost, but not quite.
B. And why is my life at risk again
A. It would take too much time to explain and I barely even have enough to save it
B. Well hurry up, I guess.
A. Ok.
B. Are you goi
A. Hey.
B. Hey
B. So is what saves me your eyes?
A. That’s part of it.
B. Is it working?
A. No. Not yet.
B. Oh.
B. Are you sure I have to be awake for this?
A. You have to look at me too.
B. Oh. Ok.
A. It’s like Beauty and the Beast that way.
B. I’m looking.
A. You have to really look.
B. I’m really looking.
A. Whole face?
B. Y-e- probably not?
A. You have to look at me with your whole face.
B. How do I even do that.
B. Am I doing it.
A. Not quite.
B. Ugh I’m not sure what you want.
A. No.
B. Yes?
A. Yeah.
B. O.k.
A. I’m looking at you just look at me.
B. Ok
B. … I think I just nodded off there
A. Mm. Pull in a little.
B. *closer*
A. You did good. You almost did it.
B. What do I need to do to do it better.
A. No. That part’s over. We have to continue. Not much time.
B. But I didn’t do it right. Right?
A. You fell asleep before you could. But now you have to tell me a ghost story.
B. Maybe you should tell me a ghost story instead.
A. You’ll fall asleep again.
B. Yeah.
A. No.
B. Ok. There’s a beautiful lady and the town widower loves her but she’ll never remove h
A. Yellow ribbon, head falls off.
B. Ok. There’s a prom queen except she died 15 years ago today and there’s a
A. I think you just gave the ending away.
B. Ok. There’s death, and he wants some souls, and a bunch of braggarts and greedarts and eastern europeans are too who would love nothing more than to give theirs to him, except not really, just their words and actions would lead you to believe that that is the case
A. You need to wake up.
B. What? I’m awake I just told you about ribbons and europe and how importance of not bragging.
A. As much as I love falling asleep theater these fractured recaps don’t count. I need to find out your ghost story.
B. *My* ghost story?
A. You should tell it to me.
B. I don’t think I ever met a ghost though
A. Just tell it to me anyways.
B. I don’t know any ghosts, don’t fraid of any ghosts, don’t that’s impoceros
A. Why not?
B. Because there aren’t any ghosts. You just die and then you are dead.
A. And then what.
B. And then nothing.
A. Your body just rots
B. Yeah. Right. It rots. I for-gots. It rotts
A. And what about you
B. There is no me
A. Just disappears
B. Just disappeared
A. Ok
B. NO. Not ok.
A. You’re tired but you need to wake up
B. It’s not ok
A. Just a little bit more. Next step.
B. Next step?
A. Yeah. Push in a little.
B. Sleep step? *pushes, head now to chest*
A. Not quite.
B. rrrrrrrrr
A. … you grumbling?
B. rrrrryeahrrrr
A. C’mon grumbles. Look up at me.
B. Oh, c;mon. Not that stupid look looking game again
A. No, it’s not that. Just need to
B. Look, into my eyes
A. Yeah.
B. ehhhh, ok. I”m lookin
A. Hey.
B. Hey.
A. I think we switched places
B. Why?
A. Now you’re the one all tuckered and I’m too awake for it.
B. No. You’re too awake because you won’t let me fall asleep.
A. Not yet. There’s still work we have to do.
B. Nah.
A. *smile-laugh* C’mon
B. rrrrrrrrrrr
A. When were you born?
B. rrrryoualrrrreadyknowmybirrrrrrthday
A. When though, and where
B. rrrrrlikewhat time?
A. Yeah. And where, and who were the doctors who delivered you.
B. rrI don’t know any of that. 6?
A. Just make it up.
B. Hmm. I was born at 6:00. Exactly.
A. Whe
B. At St. Jude’s children’s hospital
A. The cancer one
B. The very same.
A. An
B. Dr. Robert
A. Li
B. Ohhhh, Doc Roberts
A. And
B. Doctor Robert
A. where did you grow up.
B. On a railroad track.
A. Wrong side or right side?
B. NO no in a swamp.
A. Like a marsh or an actu
B. No in the snow.
A. Ok.
B. Hey.
A. Hey
B. I don’t think it’s working
A. It’s going good.
B. Yeah?
A. Yeah. Who did you like first?
B. Like, like like?
A. Yeah.
B. You, baby.
A. C’mon. Really?
B. No.
A. C’mon.
B. Sam.
A. Sam who?
B. Don’t remember. Too long ago.
A. Ok. Where, mm. When…
B. It’s alright. We can quit early.
A. How will you die?
B. Well I thought I was going to die if I didn’t answer these questions right or look you in the face or something
A. No, really though
B. How will I die?
A. Cancer? Car crash?
B. Those are the two…
A. Could be a degenerative disease, I guess, or real sudden
B. No, I don’t like it.
A. Don’t worry. You can make something up.
B. No, I don’t care I am pretty sure.
A. Whatever one feels the most correct inside. Fire, water… earth
B. Hey shutup ok. It’s sleep time not death interview era.
A. Ok.
B. Ok.
A. Here, fourth part. Let me lie down here next to you.
B. Ok.
A. All close and closed.
B. Ok.
A. Don’t worry, it’s almost over
B. Ok.
A. It’s really like we switched places, I’m so
B. Ok.
A. Hey
B. Hey.
A. Ok
B. Ok.
A. I’m going to try and get more sleep-like
B. No. It’s not going to work.
A. I’m all tucked in now, all snug down
B. No, you can’t just want to get asleep.
A. I don’t want to get all the way, not yet
B. No, that’s too much efforting it.
A. Come here. It’s almost time.
A. Somewhere there’s a place where we are both equally almost asleep but still awake and
B. No, that’s not, there’s no that. There’s only just falling asleep.
A. Yeah, but in this place we can fall asleep together
B. No.
A. Or try, and keep trying until
A.       zz
B.              zz*
A. it works.