Are you lonely? Feeling unloved? Unattractive? Unsettleforable? Otherwise or Entirely inadequate? Do you think that the world would– at a minimum– not recognize your passing, if not be a better place for it? Did you say or do something stupid and then somebody called you on it, trapping you in a shame cycle from which you will likely never escape? Or are you just experiencing a temporary setback to which you seek a permanent solution? Then YOU might be interested in SUICIDE™.
SUICIDE™ – from the makers of HOMICIDE™1
SUICIDE™ – Choose from the following exciting methods of complete and utter self-negation:
Abattoir Slip ‘n’ Slide
Including such classic favorites as Wrist Slits, Electrocution – bathtub, So Many Pills, Electrocution – golf club lightning rod, and the ill-advised Dehydration!
SUICIDE™ – The Forever Solution®
“I was so old I could no longer do the things I enjoyed because my increasingly feeble body and mind wouldn’t let me! And not just some of the things– every single one! All food had to be pulverized into a fine, beige paste and massaged down my throat lest I choke! The written word was like one clumped varicose of veins to my stupid, stupid eyes! Blowjobs? Could neither give nor receive! Continence I once had in spades, then it came and went in trowel-sized scrape-aways. Thank you, Suicide™!” Alex, 91
“I cheated on my wife. She won the kids in custody hearings and then moved five states away. In their absence, the value-imbuing narrative from which I derived meaning broke down completely– to the point where I could no longer support nor sustain my continued existence. I guess four weeks a year just wasn’t enough! Thanks, Suicide™!” Keith, 38
“My wrists were too tight and I was worried that my bloodsweat was corroding the ttritanium plating the government put on my bones to allow me to see the future and read minds. Suicide™ helped me air those veins out and now I can see the Future and the Present AND the Past all at the same time! It is vaguely violet with a hint of seafoam green! And tastes like densely-packed sand feels (underneath your beach-scraping fingernails)!” Ingrid, 43
“I don’t know what happened. One day my brain just quit providing me with dopamine and, well, here I am… Where am I, exactly? Hello? I.” Eric, 25
“5 x 8 = 40; 40 x 50 = 2000; 2000 x 15 = 30000; 30000 – (12 x 750) = 30000 – (1500 x 6) = 30000 – 9000 = 21000; 52 x 100 =5200; 12 x 150 = 1800; 5200 + 1800 = 7000; 21000 – 7000 = 14000 – (52 x ~70) = ~11360 – (365 x 3) = 10365; 10365 -1599 = 8766; 0” Ade, 29
“Meh.” Emily, 17
1Are you desperate? Angry? Feeling mistreated? Misanthropic? Misdiagnosed? Otherwise or Entirely grievously wronged? Do you think that the world would be a better place if YOU were in charge? If YOU could decide…
2Absolute value of “friends;” includes those you used to have, those you never had.