Posts Tagged ‘exclamatory’

Leaning Out To Everyone That Hides

October 6 2009

Are you lonely? Feeling unloved? Unattractive? Unsettleforable? Otherwise or Entirely inadequate? Do you think that the world would– at a minimum– not recognize your passing, if not be a better place for it? Did you say or do something stupid and then somebody called you on it, trapping you in a shame cycle from which you will likely never escape? Or are you just experiencing a temporary setback to which you seek a permanent solution? Then YOU might be interested in SUICIDE™.

SUICIDE™ – from the makers of HOMICIDE1

SUICIDE™ – It’s not just for the terminal and/or terminally unfuckable anymore.
SUICIDE™ – Impress your |friends|2 and neighbors with the amount of fluids (and smells) that are flung from your roof-flung body.
SUICIDE™ – Be the Envy of American War Prisoners everywhere!

SUICIDE™ – Choose from the following exciting methods of complete and utter self-negation:

Abattoir Slip ‘n’ Slide

Alcohol Poisoning
Anodize Your Blood
Antifreeze Daiquiri
Asphyxiation (Autoerotic)
Asphyxiation (Plastic Bag)
Asphyxiation (Resultant of Botched Hanging)
Asphyxiation (Whippet O.D.)
Bad Shellfish
Bag Full Of Scorpions
Baked Face
Bicycle Without Helmet, Brakes
Bifurcation
Binge Drink
Binge Eat (with Plugged Butthole)
Bivouac the 38th Parallel (Korean War ONLY)
Bite the Bullet
Bite the Knife. Hard.
Blasting Caps, Replace Dental Caps with
Blowjob Contest (as Contestant and Recipient)
Boil Self
Bone, Break Every Single
Carbon Monoxide Poisoning (Car + Garage)
Carbon Dioxide Poisoning (Hold Your Breath)
Carbolic Acidosis (Drink Beakers, Yellow Drums)
Chimp, Own a
AND MANY, MANY MORE

Including such classic favorites as Wrist Slits, Electrocution – bathtub, So Many Pills, Electrocution – golf club lightning rod, and the ill-advised Dehydration!

SUICIDE™ – The Forever Solution®

 

Testimonials

“I was so old I could no longer do the things I enjoyed because my increasingly feeble body and mind wouldn’t let me! And not just some of the things– every single one! All food had to be pulverized into a fine, beige paste and massaged down my throat lest I choke! The written word was like one clumped varicose of veins to my stupid, stupid eyes! Blowjobs? Could neither give nor receive! Continence I once had in spades, then it came and went in trowel-sized scrape-aways. Thank you, Suicide™!”          Alex, 91

 

“I cheated on my wife. She won the kids in custody hearings and then moved five states away. In their absence, the value-imbuing narrative from which I derived meaning broke down completely– to the point where I could no longer support nor sustain my continued existence. I guess four weeks a year just wasn’t enough! Thanks, Suicide™!”          Keith, 38

 

“My wrists were too tight and I was worried that my bloodsweat was corroding the ttritanium plating the government put on my bones to allow me to see the future and read minds. Suicide™ helped me air those veins out and now I can see the Future and the Present AND the Past all at the same time! It is vaguely violet with a hint of seafoam green! And tastes like densely-packed sand feels (underneath your beach-scraping fingernails)!”          Ingrid, 43

 

“I don’t know what happened. One day my brain just quit providing me with dopamine and, well, here I am… Where am I, exactly? Hello? I.”          Eric, 25

 

“5 x 8 = 40; 40 x 50 = 2000; 2000 x 15 = 30000; 30000 – (12 x 750) = 30000 – (1500 x 6) = 30000 – 9000 = 21000; 52 x 100 =5200; 12 x 150 = 1800; 5200 + 1800 = 7000; 21000 – 7000 = 14000 – (52 x ~70) = ~11360 – (365 x 3) = 10365; 10365 -1599 = 8766; 0”          Ade, 29

 

“Meh.”          Emily, 17

 

 

 

 

1Are you desperate? Angry? Feeling mistreated? Misanthropic? Misdiagnosed? Otherwise or Entirely grievously wronged? Do you think that the world would be a better place if YOU were in charge? If YOU could decide…

2Absolute value of “friends;” includes those you used to have, those you never had.

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My Knee Is Killing Me

September 21 2009

My Knee Is Killlllling Me!

^ It smokes 6 packs a day, double unfiltered,1 turning my pantsleg into a flaming Chamber of Stinkrets!

 

^ It does whippets like it’s a dystopian future in which, on the rare occasions you must travel to the Outground, the ‘Mild-Moderate Brain Damage Guaranteed’ you by huffing whippets is infinitely preferable to ingesting the actual air.

 

^ It is strategically killing off its own (stupid) muscles in an effort to flood my blood with myoglobin in an attempt to fail my kidneys.

 

^ Is there even muscle(s) in the knee?

 

^ It talked me into seeing Man on Wire and then convinced me that we could do that. And then– when we were on the wire– it buckled!

 

^ It talked me into seeing the short-lived 2007 ABC remake of The Bionic Woman and then convinced me that if I got into a car crash we could become the Bionic Woman. Now I have metal bazooms!

 

^ It talked me into seeing The Ugly Truth— it was SO BAD. Yeesh!.

 

^ It requires/has blackmailed me into feeding it so much opium (just to stop it from hurting me) that I got addicted to opium! And then, when I was trying to get some more opium (to feed my opium addiction), I got shot in the chest! With a gun!

 

^ Because I was stealing their opium!

 

^ It placed orders for suspicious amounts of fertilizer, ammonium nitrate, wait that’s fertilizer, gasoline, some other things probably, and cotton?– suspicious insofar as how small/individually-sized the order was./!

 

^ It has been making footsteps at night, moving paintings and stealing brooches, fucking around with the lights, watch fob is involved, cruelly playing off my Munchausen-by-proxy– which I revealed to it in confidence!.2

 

^ Its ambulatory worthlessness has lead to increased bus travel; increased weight on buses leads to increased use of fuel, greater amount of fuel consumed, and more harmful CO2 emissions released. Already scarce oil reserves deplete 2.9 attoseconds faster, Earth warms 1.6 zeptodegrees hotter; death = still inevitable.

 

^ Take my knee… to the doctor, please!

 

^ It keeps telling me logical paradoxes in a feeble attempt to overwhelm my sophisticated neural network. Puny knee– where does it say that liars lie all the time! Or, if you did stipulate that liars lie all the time, the statement could just be false! The fact that one member of a subset is a liar implies nothing about the rest of the members of that subset!3 You idiot!

 

^ It invented a Perpetual Immobility Machine by being genetically weak and thus causing near-imperceptible over-reliance on the right foot. (It is the left knee). Thus, when the right foot gets injured, and it is forced to carry more than its weight, AND– when combined with a concurrence of events, habits, and lifestyle choices that make it seem as if I ‘Were Trying To Invent Runner’s Knee– Like In A Lab Or Something,’– it sets up an infinitely replenishing cycle of injury, dependent-weakening convalescence, recovery/injury of dependent appendage, over-reliance-upon during opposing appendage’s convalescence, and, finally, reinjury.4

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Filters feed into each other, ouroboros style, covering what one hand could only dream of covering, creating smoke that was never there in defiance of the first Law of Thermodynamics.

2 Alt. “which I revealed to it while drinking!”

3 Or, it would be the opposite of that Ricky Gervais movie– The Invention of Saying the Truth

 

4 It is apparently, actually, trying to save my life by stopping entropy. Its solution? PREDOMINANTLY ICE PACK BASED!