Dating Preparation Guide (First Draft)
Denude your entire body of hair, keratin, chitin
Hair – Hair is gross, a necessary evil from a bygone time in which we were too sinful to have invented clothes. The surrealists knew it, the dadaists knew it, the guy who made my egg salad sandwich knew it. Not content to be merely disgusting, hair is also the number one (#1) spreader of friction, that most flammable AND inflammable of all forces.* Ridding oneself completely of hair is not merely an aesthetic favor, but a potentially life-saving one. Remember ladies, “A man with hair, is the opposite of Smokey the Bear”/keep in mind fellas, “A broad with locks may as well be a pile of rocks. Charcoal rocks.”
Keratin – Toenails are smelly and jabby and sometimes house disgusting, if poorly animated, monsters. Fingernails pose the number #2 threat to rectal integrity behind “accrued chewing gum,” and just before “DFS”– Denticularized Faeces Syndrome. Gross.
Chitin – If you have some kind of carapace, this is an excellent time to shed/’A carapace’ is the number 8 (eight) transmitter of “heebie-jeebies” after “moist (the texture) (#7), “bees, spiders, or any other bug with visible ‘fur’” (#6), “anti-semitism” (#5), “moist (the word)” (#4), “that Mac Tonight character from those late 80’s McDonalds ads” (#3), “hair” (#2), and “the fact that death is real (and not pretend)” (#1), respectively.
Rid body of excess grease, filth, waste matter
Some people will try to talk it up– fawning over how unique it is, giving it overly-worshipful, too-precious-by-half monikers like “the Universal Solvent,” or “Mother Nature’s Hot White Cum;” they urge you to drink 12 glasses a day, claiming it’s good for you and that, if you’d just play their game, you could shake all that visual snow. But I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret– Water isn’t all that.
Showering, for example– everyone thinks the only way you can get clean is to take liter after liter of our quote-unquote “most precious resource” and pour it down the drain. These people are idiots. If House, M.D. has taught me anything– besides the fact that drug addiction is cool, and also sociopathy– it’s that maggots only eat dead flesh. I know! Now, granted, not all of our bodily mess is dead flesh, which is why, unfortunately, we’ll have to employ a more holistic approach than just a bathtub full of maggots.
1. What if they refuse to eat my poop?
If they refuse to eat your poop, or if you are for-some-reason skittish about the idea of housing a literal buttload of maggots,** you may employ the common dung beetle in their stead. The dung beetle: dry, few, and will roll your (stupid) poop into a ball which you can later huck at others. They are like if Katamari Damacy took place in your butt.
2. What about grease?
I’m pretty sure I remember hearing somewhere about needing fat to clean up fat– it’s why soap is made out of rich women’s asses, and explosives. Well, duh, just take some bacon and scrub up!
3. Jesus, do I have to do everything for you people?
Wait, who’s saying what now
Scour your genitals
Some parts of the body are too wicked/sin-themed to clean through regular means (i.e. maggots, beetles, bacon). I am referring to, of course, specifically, the Vas Deferens Memorial Gonad-Ovum Tunnel and the fanny [UK]. But how can you clean them thoroughly enough to rid them of all of the awful things you’ve thought/done/thought-and-therefore-have-,-de-facto-,-done? The best way is hot, hot water– boiling, even– and lots of it.***
1.It is rude to taste like soap, but tasting like natural dong/[a fun-and-not-creepy diminutive for the ladies’ ladies] is nast.
2.I’m growing tired of writing this
3.When can I sleep?****
The greatest trick the devil ever played, some pathetic neb of a crook once said, was convincing the world that he didn’t even exist. Think of yourself as the devil, or the devil’s lowliest henchman,***** the magician. The magician’s most important skill isn’t fast hands, a collection of sequined vests, or even inadequate parenting; it is the ability to misdirect.****** Do you see where I’m going with this? Probably not, because it’s a bindle full of old duck eggs, beaks, and assorted duck corpse parts.
YOU NEED TO CREATE A NOSE BAFFLE, a duck blind, ellipses, for the nose. A duck anosmia. A duck blind, but, you know, made out of its offal, unborn childrens, instead of ‘some reeds it will have a tough time seeing you behind’.*******
Wear your most aesthetically pleasing outfit, body
Put your best foot, feet, arms, abs, ass, and handsdick******** forward– exploit organ transplant boards,serial killers’ decidedly non-American-Indian-approach to utilizing their prey to Frankenstein yourself beautiful! (Let’s wrap this up!)
Don’t forget to check your breath before leaving for your date. If you find it to be rank– don’t worry! There is nothing fresher than the rhymes of a young Will Smith. Just bust out one of your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack and chew until your smile literally sparkles (with jagged bits of compact disc). Also, if you’re in a rush, or have recently moved and have yet to unpack your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack, just drink laundry detergent. Skoal!*********
*Excepting, of course, flamms.
**As opposed to being gung-ho, or “scattish,” about it.
***Q: But you said that water wasn’t that great… A: Fuck you.
****See September 24, 2009 aka THE FUTURE
******As inability to feel shame is an inadvertently beneficial/pyhrric symptom of accrued derision, and not, technically, a skill (Ditto sequined vests).
*******Wait a second… the bulletin board, the coffee cup, that picture of Kevin Spacey the police sketch artist drew– Keyser Soze is gay!
********Hands & Dick come in a matching set– which explains the oft-repeated falsehood about hand size & penile awesomeness being linked. While hands & penises are a package deal, there is no size:size correlation/causation.