Posts Tagged ‘Exploiting organ transplant boards’

They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Coral Reef, Eel, Cuttlefish, Anglerfish

October 7 2009

Fish Kisses, pt. 2

Coral Reef: Again we feature the teeth, as the reef is an aragonite structure in which calcified skeletal material aggregates and is by-wave shaped into pure orgasmic awesomeness.1

          As the reef is static, only one person will play the reef. The other will play either: one of our other sea creatures, applying their unique approach at osculation to the gaping, motionless jagged jaw/rim of the reef (a) or (b) play the role of the tide itself and rhythmically lap, over and back, across the reef’s teeth and mouth with their steady tongue.
          As the reef is best when splendiferous in neon and beautifully luminous, the person playing the reef should paint, or otherwise cover, their teeth in multiple colors of glow-in-the-dark something and stand, open-mouthed, in a relatively dark area.
          As the reef is going extinct because of global warming, recreate the tragedy by having the non-reef partner exhale extra hard2 into the mouth of the reef until the paint dries and flakes away leaving nothing but white yellowish clumps of bone.
          As the reef is going extinct because of overfishing, have the non-reef partner clean every bit of food from in between your teeth with his or her probing tongue and eat it. Or don’t. Because that is gross. Ew.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT give a blowjob as the reef– corals can be poisonous, and are always getting stuck in soft flesh in movies, terrifying stories your uncle tells, and UMMA PPVs.3 Do Not Put Your Dick In There– In A Coral Reef!


Eel: Cover your tongues in kabayaki sauce. Lay them upon a bed of rice, which is to be packed tight and not (yet) swallowed. Then, while kissing, take turns eating the delicious Tonguiri.4 Can only be done once– maybe twice– without the calculated abuse of hospital transplant boards.


Cuttlefish: Mostly hugging, groping. While engaged with your partner in a thorough5 embrace/snuggle/fleshcoating/spoon, use your two foremost denticulated suckers (or, in the absence of face tentacles, ringed lips accompanied by a stiff back-of-the-tongue will suffice) to cover almost every inch6 of exposed skin in splotchy suction cup kisses. Mounting is allowed as long as it is accompanied by full-figure groping of the body underneath with your remaining arms.


Anglerfish: Follow the following simple steps, fart:  

  1. Dangle lights in front of your faces like deep-sea mistletoe.

  2. Make the most terrifying faces you possibly can.

  3. Then make them Even More Terrifying.

  4. Aggressively jut out your teeth/lower jaw.

  5. Go at it!




1Like teeth!

2Harder than you would normally exhale into someone’s mouth (you are kissing).

3Underwater Mixed Martial Arts Pay-Per-Views.

4With luck, the rice will stanch your leftovers.

5At least 70%

6At least 70%


Dating Preparation Tips

September 23 2009

Dating Preparation Guide (First Draft)

Denude your entire body of hair, keratin, chitin
Hair – Hair is gross, a necessary evil from a bygone time in which we were too sinful to have invented clothes. The surrealists knew it, the dadaists knew it, the guy who made my egg salad sandwich knew it. Not content to be merely disgusting, hair is also the number one (#1) spreader of friction, that most flammable AND inflammable of all forces.* Ridding oneself completely of hair is not merely an aesthetic favor, but a potentially life-saving one. Remember ladies, “A man with hair, is the opposite of Smokey the Bear”/keep in mind fellas, “A broad with locks may as well be a pile of rocks. Charcoal rocks.”

Keratin – Toenails are smelly and jabby and sometimes house disgusting, if poorly animated, monsters. Fingernails pose the number #2 threat to rectal integrity behind “accrued chewing gum,” and just before “DFS”– Denticularized Faeces Syndrome. Gross.

Chitin – If you have some kind of carapace, this is an excellent time to shed/’A carapace’ is the number 8 (eight) transmitter of “heebie-jeebies” after “moist (the texture) (#7), “bees, spiders, or any other bug with visible ‘fur’” (#6), “anti-semitism” (#5), “moist (the word)” (#4), “that Mac Tonight character from those late 80’s McDonalds ads” (#3), “hair” (#2), and “the fact that death is real (and not pretend)” (#1), respectively.

Rid body of excess grease, filth, waste matter
Some people will try to talk it up– fawning over how unique it is, giving it overly-worshipful, too-precious-by-half monikers like “the Universal Solvent,” or “Mother Nature’s Hot White Cum;” they urge you to drink 12 glasses a day, claiming it’s good for you and that, if you’d just play their game, you could shake all that visual snow. But I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret– Water isn’t all that.
          Showering, for example– everyone thinks the only way you can get clean is to take liter after liter of our quote-unquote “most precious resource” and pour it down the drain. These people are idiots. If House, M.D. has taught me anything– besides the fact that drug addiction is cool, and also sociopathy– it’s that maggots only eat dead flesh. I know! Now, granted, not all of our bodily mess is dead flesh, which is why, unfortunately, we’ll have to employ a more holistic approach than just a bathtub full of maggots.
1. What if they refuse to eat my poop?
If they refuse to eat your poop, or if you are for-some-reason skittish about the idea of housing a literal buttload of maggots,** you may employ the common dung beetle in their stead. The dung beetle: dry, few, and will roll your (stupid) poop into a ball which you can later huck at others. They are like if Katamari Damacy took place in your butt.
2. What about grease?
I’m pretty sure I remember hearing somewhere about needing fat to clean up fat– it’s why soap is made out of rich women’s asses, and explosives. Well, duh, just take some bacon and scrub up!
3. Jesus, do I have to do everything for you people?
Wait, who’s saying what now
4. Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it/F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuuuuuck

Scour your genitals
Some parts of the body are too wicked/sin-themed to clean through regular means (i.e. maggots, beetles, bacon). I am referring to, of course, specifically, the Vas Deferens Memorial Gonad-Ovum Tunnel and the fanny [UK]. But how can you clean them thoroughly enough to rid them of all of the awful things you’ve thought/done/thought-and-therefore-have-,-de-facto-,-done? The best way is hot, hot water– boiling, even– and lots of it.***
1.It is rude to taste like soap, but tasting like natural dong/[a fun-and-not-creepy diminutive for the ladies’ ladies] is nast.
2.I’m growing tired of writing this
3.When can I sleep?****

The greatest trick the devil ever played, some pathetic neb of a crook once said, was convincing the world that he didn’t even exist. Think of yourself as the devil, or the devil’s lowliest henchman,***** the magician. The magician’s most important skill isn’t fast hands, a collection of sequined vests, or even inadequate parenting; it is the ability to misdirect.****** Do you see where I’m going with this? Probably not, because it’s a bindle full of old duck eggs, beaks, and assorted duck corpse parts.
YOU NEED TO CREATE A NOSE BAFFLE, a duck blind, ellipses, for the nose. A duck anosmia. A duck blind, but, you know, made out of its offal, unborn childrens, instead of ‘some reeds it will have a tough time seeing you behind’.*******

Wear your most aesthetically pleasing outfit, body
Put your best foot, feet, arms, abs, ass, and handsdick******** forward– exploit organ transplant boards,serial killers’ decidedly non-American-Indian-approach to utilizing their prey to Frankenstein yourself beautiful! (Let’s wrap this up!)

Freshen breath
Don’t forget to check your breath before leaving for your date. If you find it to be rank– don’t worry! There is nothing fresher than the rhymes of a young Will Smith. Just bust out one of your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack and chew until your smile literally sparkles (with jagged bits of compact disc). Also, if you’re in a rush, or have recently moved and have yet to unpack your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack, just drink laundry detergent. Skoal!*********




*Excepting, of course, flamms.

**As opposed to being gung-ho, or “scattish,” about it.

***Q: But you said that water wasn’t that great… A: Fuck you.

****See September 24, 2009 aka THE FUTURE

*****Besides wiccans.

******As inability to feel shame is an inadvertently beneficial/pyhrric symptom of accrued derision, and not, technically, a skill (Ditto sequined vests).

*******Wait a second… the bulletin board, the coffee cup, that picture of Kevin Spacey the police sketch artist drew– Keyser Soze is gay!

********Hands & Dick come in a matching set– which explains the oft-repeated falsehood about hand size & penile awesomeness being linked. While hands & penises are a package deal, there is no size:size correlation/causation.