Posts Tagged ‘Ghosts’

Know Your Ghosts – Domestics pt. I

September 8 2011

Know Your Ghosts: Domestic Jerks


Deodorant Mouse
What!? Are you KIDDING me?! I thought I had back-up deodorant for my back-up deodorant…
Oh deodorant mouse– if only you could have disguised your scent you would have never been caught and killed and disemboweled and eaten partially and buried and dug-back-up a few days later and chewed on some and re-buried and dug-back-up and left on my porch!

You're already a ghost! COME ON!!

But seriously– corporeal or not– if you take my Mitchum one more time I will cover your ass in glue and huck you down a mineshaft. I HAVE TO GO TO WORK! And now I have to do so smelling vaguely like a bed sheet got set sail with on a sea  made of human sweat. All spumed with pit froth and uncertain with the rank of junk whiff.


Argumentos feed off conflict– namely verbal conflict. Man vs. Man, or in the case of the crazy/lonely, Man vs. Himself. If you have a particularly malbehaved cat or dog you may be to push Man vs. Nature, but it’s an off-label use. Man vs. Society is out.
They love the heat. The feed on passion. Restraint tastes like graphite to them– fun to lick, disappointingly crystalline in taste, and hell on the teeth. ‘No thanks,’ they say, ‘you live for only a short time so why not eat only what you love’. Fair point, Argumentos. You’ll get no food from me. Now shoo. Skeedaddle!
Verbalized conflict fuels them, so in what is unquestionably a wise move, they’ve taken to seeding arguments and reaping the sweet screech harvests that grow.

Questionable Value Bonus: Argumentos will keep you in combatative relationship by any means possible so to get at your sweet argument meats. It will really Parent Trap it up– songs, pranks, scams. It would be well worth your while if you can pull off a fake fight, just to see what they’ll come up with.

Everything comes from somewhere; Pac-Man was raised by parents that FOUGHT

WARNING: make sure any potential suitors are out of a six mile radius before you start the fight. These Argumentos may have the maturity and ambitions of two young Haley Mills but they have the strength of two thousand Haley Millses and are still ruthless, in-or-ex-human ghosts.


New Spirits are born from the corpse of every bottle you kill. Remember hangovers? Hangovers are Spirits that get trapped alive in your skull. They have to pound and keep pounding to try to get out– or find another exit. Skulls to Spirits are like lead to Superman(‘s x-ray vision), and yet they always bubble straight up to the head.

They're so scared just to exist!

Spirits occur in the form of bubbles. In weaker drinks you can even see them collect at the surface in anticipation of a new host. (Spirits need to occupy bodies in order to feel love). All things need to feel love. Even ghosts.


After his big break (Haunting: Starring Poulterguy) fizzled, a humbled and clinically depressed Poulterguy was forced to return to his roots. Over his last 18 years running full-scale, multi-floor haunts on over 1,000 houses across the continent, Poulterguy has  developed an additional 50 domestic haunts to join those in his already devastating repertoire. Beware such gems as:

# toaster burns your toast but with a pattern of Poulterguy on it; after you’ve looked at it been disappointed and thrown it away a Mini Poulterguy will pop out of the toast, in the trash, where he belongs / !~!~!~SLIDING TRASHCAN~!~!~!

# coffeemaker keeps on pouring coffee into coffeepot until the coffeepot overflows; you unplug it but it keeps on making coffee and the !~!~!~COFFEE IS GREEN~!~!~!

# your cat or dog turns inside out and gets blood and intestines all over your carpet; it is now !~!~!~DEAD FOREVER~!~!~!

# who’s cutting vegetables? The vegetables are cutting themselves; and they !~!~!~HAVE NOT YET LEARNED ABOUT CUTTING BOARDS~!~!~!

the couch grows Twizzler lips; except instead of being made happy by Twizzlers it !~!~!~SINGS WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN -- THE MICHAEL BOLTON VERSION~!~!~!

# coasters? !~!~!~NOPE~!~!~!


Why did you put it in your mouth?

# he starts wearing your leather jacket around; afterwards it !~!~!~SMELLS AND TASTES A LOT LIKE BUTTERSCOTCH~!~!~! could be worse I guess...

# your ottoman now speaks fluent Turkish; it does not mind that you use it to rest your feet !~!~!~BUT IT KINDA WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT PREMIERE LEAGUE SOCCER AND OLD WCW MATCHES~!~!~! Also it turns to bones and mocks your Armenian friends.

# all your tomato juice has been transubstantiated into clamato; you really start to !~!~!~DEVELOP A FONDNESS FOR IT~!~!~!

# bedsheets immediately become untucked after you leave the room; while you are sleeping, Poulterguy takes pix of you huffing his ghost dick !~!~!~GOOD(?) NEWS: ITS INVISIBLE EXCEPT TO BIRDS AND SMALL CHILDREN~!~!~!

# crows seem to cat-caw you when you go to work, pigeons won’t look you in the eye, and ducks dangle it at your mouth. Luckily small children don’t have the internet. !~!~!~BUT WOE TO THOSE AMONG YOU WHO HAVE YOUR INFANT SLEEP IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU/HAVE A CYBERBABY~!~!~!1

# out of nowhere, a Sega Genesis is hooked up to your tv and inside the game slot is a copy of Haunting: Starring Poulterguy; you start playing, having fun doing all his clever little haunts, but Poulterguy !~!~!~KEEPS RUNNING OUT OF PARANORMAL ENERGY! IN LIKE THREE MINUTES/FIVE HAUNTS! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN! THIS ISN’T THE ARCADE! I ALREADY SPENT 60 DOLLARS FOR THIS — JUST LET ME DO AS MUCH DUMB GHOST STUFF AS I WANT< POULTERGUY~!~!~!

I hate you, Poulterguy.


Sleep ghosts sit on your face and die in your eyes, leaving their eponymous crusts in your tear ducts. They smack you in the back of the head when they sense you are weak, but their ability to contact your body has a different gravity and transmits only a slow, rubbery nod down/whip back up. Sleep ghosts taste like face. Salty face.

Sleep ghosts: what do they want? No one yet knows. It is possible they just enjoy the sport of dragging down prey so much larger than themselves and knocking them out, if only for 3 hours. Note: all sleep lasts 3 hours. Anything more is a serial occurrence or, more likely, just psychosomatic. Anything less is in part a waking dream.

Sleep ghosts have nothing to do with dreams. They do, however, have everything to do with morning wood. Your body knows what was done to it and it takes supreme satisfaction in lifespan exacting its oblivious revenge on the perpetrators of its quell state. Boner-ways.

Sleep ghosts are deathly allergic to night time air travel and yet thrive in day time air travel. I think it has something to do with the effects of light on recirculated air. Or the Sleep ghosts dependency on their victim’s context of comfort.
Sleep ghosts also hate couples. Strength in numbers– this is why no one sleeps at a sleepover. Or an orgy. The multiplicity of limbs makes it tough for them (too many unsoothable squashed spots). Lest this talk of soothing makes you question if perhaps the Sleep ghost is an ally not an axis,2 just think of how much more productive you could be if you didn’t lose a third of your life to ghost attacks?

What’s that? You don’t care about productivity? You like sleeping? It’s sort of like an episode of Intervention but for your whole body not just your brain and eyes? Karl Marx was right– you people are jerks!


"Have Some Self-Respect, Dummos!" - K. Marx

1. Do you think they would ever create a cyborg baby or is that just sort of a waste? Answer: Of course the will– wealth distribution gap, dummy!
2. they’re opposites, right?


Am I Already Dead?

September 1 2011

Am I Already Dead?

How do I know FOR SHORE????

Are you a better father?
As evidenced by Ghost Dad, Jack Frost, and >>spoileralert<< Family Matters,1 being dead puts the e back in being dad. Everything is 165 bpm, glowsticks and licking faces– but towards the end of ‘getting psyched about raising some kids’ instead of ‘breaking down the ostensibly pro-social constructs of politeness, decency, and propriety; loving and being loved.’ Who’s face will you lick? A: nobody’s face. You are dead and also these are your children. Creep.2

HOWEVER, you still need to make shore you drink plenty of water. Just because you’re a ghost doesn’t mean you can’t get dehydrated. I mean, for cripessakes, kid– that’s ghost 101. What? Nobody taught you? You took an elective on the Portugese empire instead? Ha. ha. ha. You’re all right, kid. Here, why don’t we drop by my sidebar:

SIDEBAR: Dehydrated Ghosts
Dehydration is the scourge of ghost kind. As one of the Five Objects with which ghosts can interact (water, clues, pratfall triggers, books, and skirt hems), water is our only source of sweet death-giving hydrogen. Note: our ghost messages? Generally written in condensation or implied via dropping a nearby book and flipping to an evocative page. Water and Books– Five Objects! Also we loves pussy.
     Without water, we ghosts dry up. And that’s how the REAL Real Ghostbusters do it– that’s no proton pack, it’s a desert gun. Dries us right up. And not to spoil the Up with People Ghostbusters dick-sucking contest that is their cartoon show, but that desert gun is how they keep Slimer in line. You think Jerry likes being there? No. But if he tries to leave they’ll find him and sand his ass. Well, that and their liberal use of the dessert gun. Carrots and sticks, folks.
     Now when a ghost is dehydrated they turn into a coarse powder that makes for real easy storage. Also, real easy snortage. And this is how PCP is made (Post-Corpse Particles, or “Angel Dust”– real cute, huh?). Our dehydrated doublecorpses are ‘refined’ and sold so folks can let our old dumb lives run a number on their cerebral cortex. The resultant high is the effect of having as many as a dozen ghosts inside your face, just pushing switches and pulling levers and making you relive in flash bursts their most potent memories from their old dumb lives. And now I’m starting to repeat myself. Time to go vert some skirts. – Mark the Ghost

Oh right, parenting. So yeah– if you’ve recently experienced a dramatic increase to your interest in and skill at parenting, you’re probably dead. Try dropping some real crazy sentences on your spouse at odd times, show up at home when they wouldn’t expect you, make making it with them a number one priority– really make sure your  verbal interactions with them are not on ghost accident and that you can still touch them For Reals and you haven’t been D.W.’d.3 But chances are, you’re not dead, in which case you can look forward to getting some pretty delightful conversations out of the verification process in addition to some rill incredible Prove We’re Not Ghosts Sex.4
         If you want to be cute about it, why not field test this new pick-up line I just made up– “Hey baby, let’s make ghost’s together.” I really dig it, but I bet it is something that would only ever work on me. Tell me how it goes!

ACTIVITY: If you were a ghost, what would your Five Objects be? Assume that at least one is required for sustenance (it does not need to be water) and one should be your all consuming ghost goal (Mark is sort of doing the hard sell on skirt hems here because of it; note that Gerald Slimer’s is food). The rest can be spent on whichever methods you would find most entertaining to interact with the physical plane. Make your picks good because you are going to be dead a lot longer than you were alive! Rowling, rowling– after 12 years and 3 months you evaporate into nothing.

Social Media
While ostensibly about ensuring the easy, semi-consensual gathering of intelligence by governments-markets, social media has proven itself invaluable as an aliveness-verification tool. Just keep up a steady stream of tweets, pokes, encirclements, posts, squirts, dms, pms, ims, and dick pix and wait for your sweet, life-corroborating feedback…

– If NO REPONSE: you are dead or might as well be. Enjoy your newfound incorporeality and go seep through something. Ahh, yeah. Feels good, right? You can feel like that all the time. Just make sure you stay hydrated, keep on the lookout for clues,5 and start flipping skirts!6

+ If SOME RESPONSE: good news! You’re either not dead or, better yet, EVERYBODY is dead. Why is that such good news? If everybody is dead that means you are dead, right? And that’s exactly what you didn’t want, probably! Well, if you’d just calm down for a second I could explain to you that while yes, you are dead, the fact that everybody else also died means that nobody will ever outlive you!

You, you’re not excited? I mean, that’s the whole worst part– the fact that when you die you die knowing that life will continue on for everyone but not for you. And by dying all at the same time EVERYBODY WINS because nobody is missing out on anything. Unless you’re some kind of tall grass enthusiast. Ugh. Geez… this place is going to be a total snoozefest. I guess this is what the genie meant when he said that in 1,877 years I would regret choosing to be immortal because everyone on Earth would die and I would be all alone and while I might be able to make a go at Home Aloning it for a couple years or so, after a decade shit would start to get seriously depressing. Fucking genie doubletalk.7

Welp, guess I’ll just try to console myself by filling this waterpark with butterscotch and pumping whipped cream and cherries through the tubes to propel myself down into the ice cream swimming pool below. Slash alternatively, G~H~O~S~T ~ P~A~R~T~Y ~ !~!~!


Pinch Yourself
Ghosts can’t pinch. Not only can’t they pinch others (a foregone conclusion, unless ‘dermises’ is the Object of Desire of their Five Objects), but they can’t pinch themselves. They lost those nerves and muscles. Upon becoming ghosts, that whole chunk of stuff in the crook between your thumb and middle finger gets cut right out for use in creating longer flight golf balls. It is their lack of whatever this part of the body is called that creates their trademark mitten-like hands, also explaining why they’re so poor with at tactiles,8 are limited to only five objects.


Sheet Test
Hang a sheet. Do you have an irresistible need to fill it up with your essence? You are either a ghost or me at 13. Eyyyyy.

SRSLYtho, sorry mom.


Sleep Test
Do you sleep? Ghosts don’t. If you do, you’re not a ghost. But how can you be so sure (that you sleep)? SHORE, you think you’re sleeping, but really all you know for keeps is that while in your bed9 you lose track of yourself for 3-10 hours.10 If you’re a ghost and don’t know that you’re a ghost, you are a prime candidate for tricking yourself into thinking you are sleeping.11 So how do you test if you’ve gone to sleep? Simple: commit suicide.

If you wake up and it was aaaallllll a dream, then bang– you were asleep and you’re not a ghost.

If you wake up and you’re a ghost– you were a ghost all along!

Wait… well, in one form or another, I guess.




1. Though, in the case of Family Matters it is actually the reverse– the last episode revealing that Carl Winslow had been the only survivor of a van crash he caused while driving drunk. The show had traced Carl’s attempt to win the forgiveness of his ghost family by raising and caring for them the way he had previously failed the living Winslows. When a family member forgave Carl, they would disappear forever as if they had never been there at all.
         A depressed loner, Carl’ s only allies in this journey were autistic neighbor boy Steve Urkel, whose touched condition allowed him to see and fully interact with the the ghost Winslows, and dimmest-of-wits Waldo Faldo, too dumb to notice that nobody was there and thus able to perceive that which wasn’t. An aside: I’m still pretty sad whenever I think about how Myra died in real life out of nowhere from some heart defect.

2. Don’t be a Gengar. Nobody likes a Gengar.

3. Donnie Wahlberg’d. Sidenote: make sure you don’t ever bring up M Night Shayamalan to a ghost. Oh brother, they will go the fuck on.

4. Seriously, is anyone else not entirely sure they’re not a ghost? Let’s make this happen.

5. All ghosts, if they stumble upon one, are obligated to help solve a murder. That shit just gets under their non-corporeal forms. (Could have gone sheets, but– as you’ll see later– ghosts just really like sheets, they aren’t actually made of them.) if they find a clue they a) need to, if possible, reposition it for maximum findability without sacrificing the integrity of the evidence, and b) need to find as many other clues as they can. It’s no reason they’re called nature’s detectives. No, serious. It is with no reason they’re called that– the nickname predates the term by a couple millennia. Weird, right?

6. I mean, if that’s your Deal

7. i.e. he told me twice just to make sure I really understood what I was getting into.

8. “Wanna make tactiles?” DAMN, call me cinnamon because I am on a roll/going on in five minutes (to strip).

9. or someone else’s bed, or someone else’s couch, or someone else’s floor; a park bench, a hospital, a jail cell, your jail cell; or on some faraway beach, in dark trees, on burning airlines, St. Elmo’s Fire– some real Brian Eno shit

10. a sidebar describing a condition in which, while sleeping, you don’t lose track of yourself — the opposite of dying. You still go to bed tired & still wake refreshed; you gain no additional control over your sleeping self nor can you see anything extra– it’s still dark behind your eyelids, you have no deeper insight into the weird thoughts/images that occur every REM cycle or so. You just know every second of those 8 hours. (Oh, that’s the other thing– you always sleep exactly 8 hours (barring outside interference (alarms count as outside interference– but if you don’t set one! So regular!))

11. how adorable would that be– the YouTube of a ghost tricking itself into thinking it is sleeping. Speaking its dreams to itself. Laying in bed, closing its eyes extra hard, rolling back and forth, making snore sounds. Singing (tiny, adorable) ghost songs about how it is asleep. Just 8 hours of that– making Andy Warhol look like a dumb jerk for having come up with so few sleep gags and here is this no-one-special ghost just coming up with bit after bit. Andy Warhol: good at wigs, shit at gags.

Better Than Jerry Pallotta

November 25 2009

Some Animal Facts (in Alphabetical Order)


Aardvarks have no close relations due to their schizoid personality. They have an order all to themselves and that is how they like it.



Armadillo “Hoover Hogs” weren’t the only animals eaten out of desperation during the depression– there were also “Roosevelt Remoulades” (Cockroaches with Ketchup), “Churchhill Chimichangas” (Badger Face), and Hitler Berries (Rats Poops).



Bats are of the order Chiroptera, from the Latin “chirop,” meaning sandal, and “tera,” for cat. Sandal Cat.


Alt. Bats are of the order Chiroptera,from the Latin “chiro,” meaning cinnamon, and “ptera,” for dactyl. Sticky Fingers.


Also Alt. Bats— fuck ’em.



# Best way to stick it to a Chimp? Thumbwrestling. It is so insecure about its puny thumbs it will shatter your hand like glass.



# Have Some Respect– re: Donkeys: 1. use their Christian names, Jonathan and Jennifer; Mr. & Ms. Ass if you’re nasty, formal.


2. if granted audience with donkey royalty, always use the honorific: Your Donkeyship, Your Anus, or Your Hiney are preferred.


3. “Sir/Madam Butthole” is acceptable when conducting states’ business.


4. staunch anti-miscegenists, never mention any of the following while in court: mules, hinges, zeebrasses, zonkeys, dowse, conkeys, cronks, dabs, domain beings, hunks, Antonio Sabato Jr., underpants, dances, skonks, dittens, conkeys (II), or dodecahedronks.



# Is the Echidna‘s cloaca the final step to humano-mammal trans-portal technology? No– but it does taste like fried cake.



# Boeing (BA) expects a big jump in share prices once they clear the last of the Ferret pensions from their books in 2013.



# Dendrobates (poison dart Frogs) practice aposematism, in which outward beauty portends deadly poison. This differs from the practice of afrosemitism, in which outward beauty portends Lenny Kravitz.



# 1688 – Francesco Redi shocks the world when he proves that it’s not meat that spawns Flies, but flies that spawn meat.



Gibbons‘ syntax judged by zoolinguists to be “more than half, but less than fully illuminating”.



# A Giraffe heart is 6 feet off the ground, allowing a tribe’s tallest man to give them headbutt CPR. Thus was born the Corporal.



Geese grief is similar to our own: they attend the fallen, wail, pump that shit full of juice, box it, bury it, and split its stuff.



Hyena poop is bone white as a result of their ghost-rich diet; human singing was invented to ward off these defecated specters.



# The Iguana‘s dewlap, or jutesuit, is an unlockable costume you can earn if you “grab the rebound” ten times in a row.



# The Jackalope— neither a playing card, nor a cantaloupe lame.



# The Kangaroo‘s three vaginas are or sex, birth, and secrets (in that order).



Koala means “No water”– a reference to how crucial the marsupials’ patronage was in germinating the masked art.



Leeches‘ 34 brains are a tribute to their twin loves: Hakeem “The Dream” Olajuwon and strange porn.



The Admiral had been thoroughly outplayed on the court– embarrassed in his own arena two nights in a row. He thought things couldn’t get any worse. Then he entered the wrong locker room…” And so on.