Posts Tagged ‘Gibberish (hard ‘g’)’

44. Round Up Stray Cats

October 10 2009

44. Round Up Stray Cats

You hear them at the least hours of the morning, partying in the [alleys/new growth shrubbery/molded pizza crusts and maggot-infested roaches] [below/outside/strewn on top of what was once] your window.1 They’re howling, they’re screaming, they’re using their terrifying barbed penii to, once and for all, tear down that wall to, finally, end the Cold War between Orgies and Knife Fights.2 They’re the cuddliest public nuisance since the kid who played the High School mascot went off his meds. So why not put your nocturnal heads together to hunt down these adorable little fuckers?

          Now you don’t have to slit their throats, pluck their whiskers until they die of decrydration, or pull off their tails in your bare hands and beat them about the head with their own tails until they are “catatonic”– you don’t even need to turn them dead.. All you need to do– as a couple– is to 1. Track Them; 2. Trap Them; 3. Snatch Them Up Into Your Burlap Catnapping, or “Purrlap” Sack;3 4. Make Them Quit It.


1. Track Them

Does one of you have a superior sense of smell, radar hearing, night vision, can taste and detect dander in the air, infinite touch,4 or “Heart”? If so, why are you wasting your time dating instead of solving crime/how are you even single? Who doesn’t want to be touched on the fun part forever, smelled in complete and utter fullness of rank, or watch you talk to a gibbon? How hopelessly unlove-or-fuckable must you be? Jesus Christ.
          If not, just follow the ancient cat-tracking secrets of our cat-worshipping forefathers:5

ARROW> Treat them like hot shit (not cold diarrhea).

ARROW> Like always leave them a saucer of milk (with lumps), or a ball of scrapped papyrus stalks (that’s what Egyptians wore, right?), or just give them a quick handy.
ARROW> (And) For Cripe’s Sake– Wear Thick Gloves!
ARROW> Asp. Sideways-walking Pharaoh, Rod, Foreleg of an Ox. Bird-headed Deity; Asp.
ARROW> Are the cats fuckfighting somewhere in the area [LIKELY] just follow their horrible voices to the source.Thanks Thanatos, thanks Eros.
ARROW> Wait. Those are Greek.


2. Trap Them

Cats are wily. Given. As egyptian royalty, they were tutled at feet of the slowest, lamest, most poorly dressed, and– by liquefying hooks and sawdust– the dumbest of all Universal Monsters, The Mummy. And how did The Mummy catch it’s prey? A tedious combination of dawdling, incompetent victims, magical jewels, and old-fashioned wiles, probably, I guess. Meh.
          The point is, to catch a cat you must become one:6

DOTo Cosplay that shit.

DOTo Don’t forget to shave your butthole and walk as to always be flashing it around.
DOTo And the coup “do g”race, the inimitable beckon of the feline purrbox…


3. Snatch Them Up In Your “Purr”lap Sack

Construction Instructions

– Buy about 20 lbs. of potatoes in a burlap sack
– Eat all the potatoes for strength for the trial ahead
– Take a nap– you’re of no use to anybody starch drunk
– Wait– make that a “cat nap”
– “Purr”fect
– “Cat”’s It!
– Ha ha ($$$). No, just “kitten”– slice open four or five young cats and “purr”loin their laryncies and place in your sack

Your newly christened “Purr”lap Sack will now echolocate creepy cat dick with the best of them. That’s what purring does, BTW– it is like SONAR for BONARs.7


4. Make Them Quit It

Once snug inside the “Purr”lap Sack do as the proverb proscribes and “turn the hose on them,” those “crazy cats”/You cannot waterboard cats, only waterbag. Do not turn off until they reform, confess, or go “cat”atonic.

          Did I use that already? How about “Cat”aplectic?



1Depending on whether you live in an [apartment/suburban housing development/flophouse] repsectively.

2With a deep Gorbachev-shaped indebt to ‘The “Lust” Guy from Se7en‘.

3A Purrlap Sack is a burlap sack you’ve “purr”loined so no one can track you back to your crimes by way of credit card receipts.

4If you touch a thing you touch it through and at all times; don’t ever have sex lest you become a pedophilic necrophile!

5Who do you think REALLY founded America? Check the dollar bill, bub– the slave-labored pyramid protected from disassembly ‘neath the watchful eye of Ra. Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was a Secret Jew sent forwards in time to shit in the Egyptians’ punch. Revenge is a Drink best served Pooped Inside Of.

6They are like Predators that way.

7Born Of Nightmares Animals’ Rods


Our Reprehensible Love

September 17 2009

Our Reprehensible Love


❤    We cocooned ourselves in an unzipped sleeping bag and stayed up late remembering SNICK shows!

❤    We photoshopped a calendar of us as the leads in classic movies to give to our friends as Christmas presents!1

❤    We eat all of our dishes, snacks, food that is longer than it is wide or tall ‘Lady and the Tramp‘ style!

❤    While one of us chats with the neighborhood fat kid, the other sneaks up from behind it and ducks down, bends over! WHAMMO! Fatty goes tortoise-style!

❤    We’re constantly telling and re-telling the story of how we met!2

❤    We’re always holding hands!3

❤    We wallpapered our apartment with astrology charts demonstrating just how fortuitous our pairing!; have feng shui’ed all our tats!; did ‘cran mods’ on our skulls with a lathe for optimal phrenological compatibility!

❤    We’ve planned a two month vacation to China to enjoy all the sweet, cheap fruits that fascism has to offer! Exchaaaange Raaaate!

❤    We were caught necking in the front row of a [funeral/PTA meeting/Congressional Budget Office hearing] and were forced to leave by a perturbed [widower/superintendent/Christina Romer]! But we showed [him/?/her]– we [followed the hearses and, later, after everyone left, fucked on the grave/paid a P.I. to take compromising photos and then gave them to the town’s ambitious comptroller/went back in time and replaced her dad’s sperm with that of comedy legend Jonathan Winters, and her mom’s egg with that of bawdy old broad Maude Frickert!]!

❤    She looks a little Jonathan Winters-y is the thing!

❤    We only use condoms made of “high-petroleum” latex; instead of lube we use a lot of lube! Wasteful!

❤    Our post-sex shower is bridal instead of water-based! We use a proprietary software that hacks Amazon Wish List data to find out where to crash! Our reprehensible love is our odoriferous gift for the dearly betrothed!

❤    We’re literally rubbing peoples’ faces in it– you have to close your face as tight as you can to keep from getting accidentally auricularly penetrated! Sphenoethmoidally skewered! Eye banged!

❤    We just released a CD full of pleasant anecdotes, airplane jokes!

❤    We have no secrets: all trysts revealed!4 all thoughts expressed!5 no family recipe unshared!6 no poop unmeasured!7

❤    While one of use chats with the neighborhood sad kid about the moon-landing hoax, the other sneaks up from behind it and pretends to be a passingby moon expert and proceeds to validate all your bullshit! WHAMMO! Fantasy-prone goes tortoise-style!8

❤    We dress the same, take turns sharing the same white sheets… for Ghosts LARP!9

❤    In “The Gift of the Magi” of Scam Weddings, each of us (aging conman meets pretty young thing) is waiting for the other to die so we can get The Money!10

❤    Wait! No! “Fantasy-prone goes Fantasy PRONE!(!)”!/. ?

❤    We go apple picking, bake a pie, make dumplings with the scraps; pile leaves in which to jump; sit near a fire, roast a marshmallow, tell a ghost story; generally enjoy each others’ company!

❤    We are perilously close to putting Hos before Bros!

❤    (Our reprehensible love) of “MMA for Kids” turning us into real ‘cage parents’/Now you Get Back In There and you Work that Fontanelle! Like We Practiced!

❤    We’re so far out we have a Signature Crime– we tamper with saccharine, and lace it with strychnine!





1Next year: Great Moments in History!

2At a Prussian Blue in-store!

3We stole from a transplant board!

4In full, exhaustive, teeth-gritting, exhausting, ‘No, I don’t have a problem with that (why– should I have a problem with that (maybe you have a problem with that)?]’ detail!

5“This is the second worst birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” “Love? I don’t even LIKE your (stupid) family,” “Your legs remind me of Edward James Olmos getting his Polio vaccine while eating cottage cheese that has lines of grape jelly streaked through it!”!

6“If we combine tio Esteban’s Flan with your Mee-maw’s Chicken Cordon Bleu we’ll be unstoppable!” “Chicken Cordon Flan!”

7June 18, 2009
On Schedule?: 6:47 AM, T-minus 5 min.
Segments: 1
Length: 9” approx.
Circumfrence: ~1.26π
Description: Brown, Cyllindrical
dominant color – Raw Umber
subordinant colors – Bistre, Ochre
Firmness: 5 of 7
Notes: A+++ Very Satisfying—Would ‘Do Business’ Again

8The longest-living, and therefore most likely to be senile/demented, animal!

9How to LARP ghosts:

Step One: Get the obituary section of the local paper!
Step Two: Pick X obituaries at random!
Step Three: You and X-1 friends spend the evening tracking down your ghosts’ living relations and “visiting” them!

!It Is Not As Bad In Some Ways But Almost As Bad In Other Ways!
!Than If They Had Actually Been In The Klan!

10Actually, it’s part “Gift of the Magi,” part “Brinx Job”

You Are The Protagonist: Yakov Smirnoff Edition

September 9 2009

In Soviet Russia, Yakov Smirnoff does a hack impression of you (as, nested inside the folds of his mind, there still exists a to-scale and sub-nano mini-version of the ex-empire). Although physically real, it is manifest exactly as he remembered it, portrayed it, to spec except now he is King.

Except now his thumb directs traffic to the gulags.
Except now his visage fronts flags, his hands hold childrens’
Except now when he makes your impression, his impression makes you.
Absolute control: in that tumoric corner/that polypy province of his brain: He is the protagonist.