Great Fall Dates (For Somebody Who Can Use Them)
+ Pick an Apple! Later you can use it to make a glass– or shot– of cider. The two of you crushing it between your bumping fists as you gaze into each other’s tired eyes. (Tired from picking that apple together).1
+ Someone to Bake With – Molasses is a key season ingredient and apples. Try this cake: http://tinyurl.com/nsmzze (Also whiskey).
+ Walk Around Inside the Weather.. Ideally there will be leaves. At a minimum, air that is 8-14% fireplace remnants.
+ Is There a Beach Nearby? A real beach– one with an ocean? Go there. The sea in fall is the Best. Also, you can walk on the sand– The Sand!!
+ Walk Around Inside the Woods. You can make a fire there (it’s too damp for it to spread, maybe). Find a rock wall demarcating plots you didn’t know existed. Follow each plot, walking hip deep in the world’s tallest ferns (non-exotic division),
+ Test Mosquitoes for Horse Encephalitis. Don’t let them bite you or Shi-i-i-i-i—i-i—i-i-i—i-i—–it.
+ Help People Put Together a Halfway Decent Halloween Costume.2
+ Burn Leaves. See who can breathe in the most toxic fumes until you spin together and fall.
+ Spin Around Together. Spin around until you can’t stand on your feet. Spin around until you’re still spinning even after you’ve stopped and then, when you fall down, make out some until the spinning wears off– Double Dizzy!
+ Nerf it Up! Mercilessly pelt your potential mate with surprisingly expensive/still-extant neon styrofoam until you find out that you are made for each other or if there can be only one.
+ Have a Catch. Pretend it’s the World Series and the game is strangely over-reliant on spectacular clutch plays by the outfield defense; pretend it is the Super Bowl and roll together on the floor forever.
+ Strip Half Court. One on One. Point gets to wear the cast-off clothing to brace themselves from the wind, safeguard their precious/terrible nudity. Winner gets to offer some of the captured clothes back when the loser appears cold– like a gentleperson. Loser gets to accept the offer and then huck said clothes in the woods. Banging ensues?
+ Tap Trees for Syrup. Any tree– not just maple anymore. Tap a whole bunch of trees and then have a syrup tasting. Mmm… Sumac.
+ Cosplay unspoken dialogue/kinesics, uncreased. Wear your hearts on your sleeves; put your words in each others’ mouths, blouses, pants. Punctuation belt.
+ Get Vaccinated. And then, once you’re immune to that one specific strain of flu, cough into each others’ mouths for HOURS.
+ A Child’s Christmas In J.C. Penney. Spend some hardcore time making, annotating, that-bullshit-word-for-collaging-that-makes-it-sound-like-it-is-an-artform-(instead-of-a-way-to-murder-a-Sunday-afternoon), scanning and e-mailing to Santa Claus an Old School Christmas List. Raid the J.C. Penney catalog. Find out if toys even exist anymore. Or do most kids just want head?.3
1How to Pick an Apple, three strategies: a) Piggyback. b) Shake that Shit (back and forth). c) Transcendental Meditation.
2See “31. Help People Build Their Costumes,” from the never-to-be-released 106 Cheap and Creative Dates (for the Upcoming Depression)
360/30 Toys (10 Religious/Cultural Exception)– don’t believe the news cycle hype.