Posts Tagged ‘in dreams’

Vs. Sleep

September 15 2011

As we are all aware, sleep is a pretend construct built to explain what is actually a combination ghost infection and society-wide mass delusion/pan-cultural rite.1 Yet while this is common knowledge, there has yet to be any true concerted effort to fight this oppressive regime. The murderous kleptocracy of sleep, at the altar of which the equivalent of over 2 billion2 people will be taken from us in our lifetimes, must be held culpable.

The following is an excerpt: 10 days from the diary of one very brave individual. A warrior of a kind– not the type with guns and training and impressive self-sacrifice– but a soldier in the war against the tyranny of our own false premises. And in the end, isn’t that just as heroic?3

Come. Let us learn from this shining example:


SATURDAY        August 27

2 to 3 hours slept
Cognitive function: adequate; 2 x 2 = 4; 4 x 4 = 16; 16 x 16 = well I didn’t know that to begin with
Physical function: unremarkable; rode exercise bike 10 miles in 36 minutes.

They eventually got me. : (  Had erected a defense network: entented my bed in pink and blue cellophane Easter basketwrap, as we all know holiday anticipation is their #1 weakness. But, apparently, at some point I started suffocating on it. In a fit of pro-survival panic I must have torn it all down. When I woke up my teeth was lousy with Easter grass. Will try harder tomorrow…
SUNDAY        August 28

5 hours slept
Cog: slightly daffy, but present; think I called Albert’s mom ‘Aunt Miriam’ at some point. (note: I do have an Aunt Miriam, who she does look like)
Phys: fought a couple bouts of jimmy leg, but otherwise inside normal operational parameters

They tricked me. After failure of  Easter basket bed, wore last year’s Hallowe’en costume around house at night. Unfortunately, the video game conference in town rendered my Clyde outfit technically cosplay and therefore non-holiday apparel. Sleep had its way with me and I woke up with my eyes crusted stuck to the inside of Clyde’s blue plastic peepers.


MONDAY        August 29

9 hours slept
Cog: Real good, I guess; ugh 16 x 16 = 256; 256 x 256 = 54,036 (if it’s not right I at least had the reserve confidence to assert that it was without hesitation)
Phys: I accidentally did a double backflip; like two backflips in the time it takes to jump and then land. I mean, I’m pretty sure the accident was the fault of having slept so much…

New tact: pure wallpower. Laid there on my bed, protected only by the power of my own mind, taunting Sleep. Taunt accepted.


TUESDAY        August 30

1 hour slept
Cog: like an intra-office network– generally functional with bouts of extreme slowdown. For an hour or so, vice versa.
Phys: for the first two hours I was awake, could not grip pen to write; some drool.

This time, unplanned, ended up distracting myself to the point where I didn’t even consider Sleep. Started a game of Civ 4 at 9:30. Next noticed the time at 6 in the morning. A rousing success marred only by the meagerness of the victory celebration: spiked mouse, did air six guns, a 360 (well, 1440) running man into a fell asleep on my feet. Awoke still standing up. Didn’t know that that was a thing that could happen. It can!


WEDNESDAY    August 31

net 38 minutes slept
Cog: 7 second delay. The time loss isn’t so bad as much as trying to parse the echoes. Bonus: no cusses.
Phys: a lot of trips and stumbles; 11,000% increase in pratfalls.

Distraction worked so well last time. Thought to do it again but started nodding off in 1-15 second snaps. As in my head would fall and then snap right back. Pressed through, though. Made it through the night having only head-bobbed 217 times.

It is possible, though unproven, that all these head-bobs may have (perhaps) created a lag or skip in my consciousness leading to the 7 second delay experienced throughout the day.


THURSDAY        September 1

0 hours
Cog: 7 second prelay. I can see into the future, but only 7 seconds. Just enough time to feel bad about what is to happen and to gird myself, dodge.
Phys: after adjusting, the smoothest moves this ex has ever laxed.

The problem with distracting yourself is that you know that you are doing it and are therefore hyper-acutely aware of every action you take I tried so hard and became so minutely in tune with every part of every process occurring in my body and in the world around me that – at some point – I ‘flipped the swing’ becoming so undistracted as to first transcend all external stimuli and then ‘swung back’ landing in front of all that happens and now seven seconds in the future I was able to leverage my foreknowledge to effortlessly outstep every molecule of Sleep they had no prayer


FRIDAY        September 2

0 hours
Cog: only produced false memories
Phys: gained powers of flight, an unquenchable thickness.

You guys! I met the most perfect girl. Her name is The Brunette and she also likes the bottom of the sea. I’ve not seen her face, no matter how many times I try to turn her around, but if it matches the rest of her body it must be incredible, delicious.


SATURDAY        September 3

0 hours
Cog: could not distinguish between our thoughts and the thoughts of others; after an hour, notion of Self ceased to have meaning; you see loss of one subjectivity, we see gain of 6+ billion subjectivities.
Phys: acted as instrument of the collective whim; got hit by a car making dinner for a Paraguayan family of eight.

The burner would not light because the stove was actually a stormdrain.


SUNDAY        September 4

Cog: I have mastered the Sleep; I now dream waking.
Phys: upon contact, the Sleep explode, expose their ghosts for my control

I am the Dreamchief. As dreams are the exploding ghosts of Sleep releasing their unborn thoughts, my absolute mastery of Sleep has translated into a corresponding   flawless calligraphy with dreams. My penmanship is unparalleled. To forge your haunted past, to ink your most intimate desires, to … typeset, I. I’m the DREAMchief, not the prose captain. Now kneel before me and I will allow you to make recreational with [Ellen Page] AND let you in-dream finish.

No pre-coital wake-ups, no desperate bids to sleep perchance to return to the exact same dream you were having when you’re pals with the Dreamchief.


THURSDAY        Thursday

Cog: N/A
Phys: Thursday

Where I am it is Thursday Now. Was Thursday now will be Thursday, where I am.



2. 1/3 of your life spent sleeping times over 6 billion lives on Earth
3. Probably not.


106 Dates – #102: Co-Dreaming/Shared Consciousness

November 21 2009

102. Co-Dreaming/Shared Consciousness


You know how you have to be extremely careful about how loud you are thinking when you are lying (laying?)1 with the one you love– clenching tightly shut your temporal lobe, if not actively crafting false thoughts to leave littered throughout your consciousness (like depth charges, set to scramble any attempt to detect your true and actual self) lest he or she be able to hear your thoughts, thus literally figuratively cutting your brain hair, Thus Stealing Your ABILITIES?2

Well this symptom of late-onset schizophrenia need no longer be solely the impetus for desperate and misguided acts of self-preservation;3 it is also possible to ‘use your illusion’4 to create a mutually transcendent experience– to build a bridge between body and soul and consciousness (without wasting your materials budget on dicks and tongues).


Unlike the vulgarities of spoken and kinesic communication,5 the sweet cohabitents6 of Shared Consciousness can neither mislead nor betray; it cannot cajole or manipulate or flatter; it can’t ramble, beseech, cloy, or blaspheme maybe; it is a notably poor contrivist and its entreaties are but effete pesters. Divination, without the rod; clairvoyance without the ants7— yes, Co-Dreaming is quite swell.8 And it can be yours’ to employ if you follow the following skull-sealing tips:


Solder – there’s two ways you can go with this:

1. Classic – stick the solder in the soldering tube and solder your heads together.

2. Nuevo – lay the solder sticks between your mutual head(s) and then place the heated metal rod inside the gap and wait for it.

Shunt – find a nice, solid stalk of bamboo; chop of the ends, rendering it a tube; uneven the edge, giving the ends a nice sharp slope; place tube on pillow, laying (lying?) your heads down on either side; grasp hands for comfort; squeeze.

Entwined Irises – Butterfly Make-out (butterfly kiss each others’ eyes) until it sticks.

Magic Words – chants and mantras aren’t just for deranged directors who believe they could fly if only enough people just clapped their lotus-bowed thighs hard enough– it’s also for future ambiphrenics,9 such as yourself and your date.

X1000 Intercranial Surveillance System – the internet provides.10

Mutual Deception – “Oh, no… that was totally what I was thinking too.” “I, uh, know!”


Now that you are simpatico, and you’ve waited the appropriate amount of time for your bridge to cool/scab, it’s time to test this egret out!11 Enjoy your newfound intimacy with the following shared-consciousness activities:


Sing a song singing every other word: I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue style, apparently!

Go for a synchronized swim: serve those smug, lithe, perversely non-erotic Anastasias a synchronized assbeat!12

Make surprisingly adequate love: both in the sense of disappointingly non-spectacular and appointingly competent-for-once!

Yell at each other about the kinds of thoughts you’ve got: henpecking/cockmocking to know no bounds!

Win a dance contest: possible pun-based teamnames- The Wa2si, The Cabbage Match, The Breakin’ 2: Mimetic Twogaloo(?), The Bat, You See? (and then you dress up as a bat, V-bow your eyesline)!

Wince ‘no’ at Dan’s etc.: waste this opportunity by using your new dual-core processing capabilities on stupid word puzzles!

Try futilely to psych each other out: until somebody(‘s ankle) gives!

Write each other’s autobiography: finally, objective subjectivity!

Totally get to find out what it is like to have a peener/’giner: Straights only!

Remember edenic bliss / acorporeal harmony: a place without the pain of reality where my heart will not tremble!13



Co-Dreamers— delight in the fact that dreams, unlike thoughts, have spectral legs that reach through skulls and skin and sink into any very, very nearby sentience. All you have to do is sleep with your temples nested neatly in to each other thus allowing for the non-invasive transfer of important Dream-Inventing Precancerous Sleep-Hewn Ichorous Transcendence Soma14 from person to person. In order for the dreams to circulate correctly, however, both temples need to be touching which, unless you are gelatinous, vaporic, or otherwise bone-lite, could require some tricky manipulations. Fortunately, some cave-dwelling Einstein invented the pictorial form as a method by which to secure visual knowledge through the generations.15 So, DIAGRAMS!/:


[DIAGRAM: Three Positions]


Help each other out of recursive re-enactment of nostalgic traumas: secret away to slit the throat of the dog that knocks them into traffic; use your newly gigantic hands to catch the milkglass before its spilt; secret away to knock into traffic the future murderer of your childhood pet; BGAHh– damn you, auto-fellatio and your neck-snapping, somnolescent traps!16

Distract the mind tiger: lure it into one of their house’s infinite corridors and keep reaching for the door!

Catch them when they fall with your ever expanding hands: but make sure not to think about thinking about not falling (or you, too, will throw yourself over)!

Get peed on: with bonus real-life Damp Pants!

Yell at each other about the kinds of dreams you’ve got: chickpicking/roosterbeinganasshole to extend to absurd mindtrash, garbled unmemories!

Be an accessory to patricide/momophilia: hold him down, splay her apart; or vice versa!

Dampen sandtrain to cease creeping, all-consuming paralytic sensations/end incorporeal dread: see number four./!

Shine flashlight on shadow-faced monster: the Tenebrous ur-Fiend was… A Moth’s Body with My Adult Face On It!17

Translate backwards-talk, cryptic gibberish, and the squiggles that there are instead of writing: All of a sudden you have a quintuple doctorate in Linguistics18 in the dream!

Precipitate Ragnarok: stick heavy revolvers in their hands when they aren’t looking.19








1“With the fellas it’s always one or the other Or Usually Both– am I right, also fellas!?” – Chad Clifford Christopher, ‘Battle Of The Same-Sexes’ comic

2Q: Myeah, lily– where’s your Messiah now? A: LEAFED ENTIRELY IN SWEET, SWEET GOLD [note: I don’t remember what I was going for here. I assume lily is short for Delilah, but I’m not sure why she would be being mocked by Edward G. Robinson for having shorn Samson; the gold leaf bit is entirely opaque (even in the context of trying to affect schizophrenia). -ed.]

3Put down the Mixtape That Is Also A Map Of The Places In The City At Which You’ve Spent Time With The Love of Your Life Upon Whom You Will Never Make a Discernible Move– the one that is also an acrostic spelling-out of her birth date/city– you can do this stupid thing now instead!

4‘Izzy Stradlin’ is an anagram for ‘Lucid Dreaming’ SLASH not a reference to Guns ‘n’ Roses but an overly subtle/intrinsically confusing diagnostic portmanteau in which ILLness is posited to be the root of deLUSION.

5The ‘F’ Bomb and The Bird, respectively.

6Shared contents / Mind tents.

7Those stupid, computer-tampering Hasids will be so jealous. Take that, Hasids!/Mind ants.

8Insofar as its revelations are likely the product of encephalitis/inter-cranial swelling/a tumor.

9‘Both minds’, not to be confused with ‘amphibrenics’, or frog-brained individuals– those slimy, cold-blooded, demi-aquatic creepos: always croakin’, never wearing tails; just grabbing broads with their nuptials and then JO’ing in a pond.

10It converted a few measly 1s and 0s into a global network capable of feeding the entire world’s hunger for pornography.

11The egret, well-known amongst birders to be the most poorly behaved, or ‘baddest’, bird./This should be just about where the footnote equivalent of “Mrs. Houston yelling at me to stop dicking around after I made gun fingers/sounds when being taught the structure of a flower” happens (for this article).

12Even this [] is more plasticine than hot.


14Did you know that dreams are what causes cancer? Also: another crummy riddle obtaining nomenclature yuks multivalently.

15Important lessons such as “use a spear to kill food” and “horse”.

16Secret spine-twisting ending to Fight Club director’s cut– Tyler Durden the devertabrating result of dousing your rod after eating six Ambien.


18Fantastical Syntax, Metamorphology, National Grammatical Socialism, Scitenohp, and Semaphore.