Posts Tagged ‘Jokeyjoke’

Why I Was A Failure as a Standing-Up Comic, part two

December 2 2009

4.

My new housemate is borderline retarded.

And not in that fun ‘let me throw you a touchdown pass, and then you flex your muscles and think we’re going to the Super Bowl’ sort of way,

but in more of an… Eastern Washington sort of way.

Very Idaho.

• • •

The other day he tried to make conversation with me as I was eating dinner

and in the span of five minutes he said only three sentences,

but they were so shitty, that I feel justified exploiting them for my own personal gain at his expense.

(David Sedaris style).

• • •

Here’s what he said

“I got into it with a bitch at work today”

“A woman is a bitch if she won’t fuck you”

“Seems like I’ve been running into a lot of bitches since I moved to Seattle”

• • •

Now what I >appreciate< about his pathology

If we can just, step back for a second, and appreciate it

Is that it has the concision and solipsistic brilliance, of a Mathematical Proof:

• • •

1. IF you partook in heated exchange, with a Bitch.

2. GIVEN that a bitch, is a woman— who won’t fuck you.

3. AND that nobody wants to jump on your hog, bro!

4. THEN this woman is representative of the superset, of ALL Women, inasmuch as she won’t touch your junk

does not want you inside of her AT ALL

5. THEREFORE you should eat a baloney sandwich in a soiled recliner and have the Worst Conversation Ever.

• • •

He is like the Descartes of Misogyny

Or at least the Robocop.

• • •

Femina, Ergo, Cum

• • •

Thats a little latin joke SEMI COLON

I went to college COLON

Could you possibly be any more smug SCARE QUOTES

Probably not! PARENTHESES

• • •

5.

Some people will try and convince you that Elephants Never Forget

And sure, they have a point: but what they’re not telling you is that

other animals suffer from similar aphorismic idiosyncrasies

• • •

Did you know, that

Alligators never Forgive?

• • •

Did you know that

Porcupines never Go to Bed Angry

and that Hippopotamuses Waste Not and Want For Nothing?

• • •

Did you know that

Koala Bears neither a Borrower nor Lender Be?

• • •

Did you know that, in the interest of national security, all Carrier Pigeons

are bred to be illiterate?

• • •

While notoriously thrifty, Kinkajoues make above average sexual partners

due to their proclivity for experimentation, in the bedroom

• • •

Did you know that Termite Queens – Feel the Beat – of the Tambourine?

Eat that Wall – Rot that Beam – Dug by her Termite Team?

• • •

Did you know that a pomegranate is actually a kind of fruit?

• • •

And did you, Seattle, know

that while bisexual in college, dolphins are now married to an investment banker named Keith?

• • •

Every single Dolphin

• • •

All for Keith

• • •

Good Job, Keith

• • •

6.

Did you know that the State Bird of Detroit is a Trojan Magnum?

It’s a used Trojan Magnum, floating, American Beautiful

down the broken bottle depositories that they call streets there.

• • •

Spreading its seminous spores like a dandelion bukkake,

fertilizing needless and confusing analogies, like a bee in a button factory.

• • •

7.

I accidentally watched the Today Show yesterday

And, what that really means, is that I got to see Willard Scott’s birthdays—

he’s still doing them, at least ‘As Of When I Wrote This Joke Two Years Ago’.

• • •

And I had forgotten this, but, he gives a little biographical information about these 100-plus year olds,

for whom I am almost positive they recycle the same six pictures.

And their bios basically consist of “A woman of enormous faith and loves the good things in life”

or “He reads the bible everyday, a salty pillar… for the comm-unity”

But I sort of wish they’d be more honest— because you know at least, ALL of these people

are [probably] h o r r i b l e bigots.

• • •

Happy 101st birthday to Ida Miller of Augusta, Maine.

The only thing she loves more than her cats is the cleansing purge that

AIDS has wrought upon the degenerate core of the Gay-Hollywood-Satanist Complex.

• • •

Happy 103rd birthday to Missy Cooper of Durham, North Carolina.

Her 7 children, 22 grandchildren, and 8 great-grandchildren

are daily recipients of her love, her homemade strawberry preserves

and her steadfast segregation-era prejudices which have divisively torn the family

into bitterly-feuding factoins. Just ask

the 7 grandchildren and 2 great-grandchildren who are daily recipients of absolutely nothing,

and whom she will only recognize as a chocolatey taint on the Cooper family name.

• • •

And a Very Happy 100th birthday to Andrew Thompson, serial rapist.

He escaped capture because his brother was the Chief of Police—

anyone who came forth was severely beaten and threatened with death if they ever mentioned it again.

He doesn’t know it, but he has 2 kids and 5 grandchildren.

• • •

I guess I have a tendency to assume that all old people are not just inadvertent bigots,

people for whom time and changing cultural sensibilities have rendered their belief system anachronistic

and entirely unacceptable, but also Human Monsters

who rape, and pillage, and wreak emotional havoc without the least hint of remorse

And I’d feel worse about that, but I don’t.

• • •

Sorry Old People— there’s a Culture War going on and you are Collateral Damage.

Why I Was A Failure as a Standing-Up Comic, part one

November 27 2009

1.

I am of the ever-increasing opinion that Fox News gets a bad rap.

 

Not because any of the criticisms against it are unfair–

basically anything you can say about them is true.

 

Uh, Roger Ailes, lost a Labor Day baby eating contest

because he wanted to savor every baby-eating bite

and he had run out of babyque sauce

 

Fact.

 

It’s 98.9 percent true,

where the other 1.1 is whether it was held on Labor Day purely out of spite.

 

No, Fox News gets a bad rap because

on October 25th,  2007

the Year of the Boar

Journalism ended

And somehow, it wasn’t their fault

 

Because on that day

There was a headline, so perfectly crafted

by the events of life itself

That not even “Belgian beauty booed at pageant” could top it.

 

It was better, than “Man puts rattlesnake in mouth comma, gets bitten”

It was better, even still, than “Family hopes for miracle –>Comma<–… Gets only ashes”

 

 

Pitbulls, kill.

Cancer Boy’s.

Miniature horse.

 

 

Pitbulls kill, Cancer Boy… ‘s miniature horse.

 

Just the image of that happening:

Because, the family– the family didn’t own these pitbulls.

They weren’t the neighbors. And, as of press time, nobody knew Where the dogs came from.

 

Put yourself, in his electrical wheelchair

(and no doubt painful legbraces)

And try to fathom

 

Out Of Nowhere–

as if Metastasized into Existence by his Lonely Tears

A GANG of pitbulls– multiple pitbulls! not just one

 

Fly, through the air, tackle this tiny horse,

and eat it to death.

 

Hm.

Maybe next time you, ‘Make a Wish’, you should ask for a pitbull-proof pony, You Stupid Asshole!

 

 

Face!!

 

 

 

 

2.

I used to live on the South Side of Chicago

Had to get out, though

had to get out.

 

Because: as a half-hearted parody

of an insincere impression

of a 1980s observational comedian

my imaginary material was starting to bum a crowd out.

 

Who are the Ad Wizards that came up with Rent-to-Own

Pay 16 times the sticker price for an off-brand Hi Def TV,

just because you’re desperately poor and woefully unaware of what value is?

P,F,F,F,F,F,T.

That hardly seems fair.

 

What’s the deal with Outpatient Rehabilitation?

More like ‘In-and-Outpatient’: Am I Right?

(… Am I? I- uh..—)

I haven’t seen a recidivism rate this high since the DSM IV

declassified Gayness as a BRAIN DISEASE

 

We’ve all been there:

You’re sittting in Quiznos and ALL of a Sudden

a full grown man bursts in:

snot-nosed and crying,

torrents of hot tears streaming down his dirty face,

hard hands chapped and swollen to the size of catchers mitts:

not asking for anything; just crying

Completely broken down… in front of the Pickle Bar!

 

Gosh.

I hope the stains on his threadworn jeans mean his pants

are full of Giardinare

Because I nE-e-EED some Pickles!

 

 

That’d be my catchphrase?

It would not get me very far.

 

 

 

 

3.

So that’s not actually true.

I really left Chicago because my roommate’s hairspray was

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas of male grooming aides.

 

It was so foul, and its reek was so pervasive, that I kept coming up with

more and more elaborate ways of telling him how much I hated it

until we were no longer on speaking terms.

 

What started off as:

Your hairspray smells like rancid hi-c

quickly became:

Your hairspray smells like Jonestown, two weeks after.

which, in turn, became:

Your hairspray smells like an herbal essences ad, shot entirely inside of a locked port-a-john that was built on a tilt-a-whirl (for some reason).

 

His hairspray smelled like an alternate Gangland cartoon universe

in which the My Little Ponies iced Strawberry Shortcake

and were hiding her bloated corpse in that very cannister until the heat blew over

— And the heat never blew over.

 

If I had to compare your hairspray to any putrid vanity project of the inordinately rich, it would be

a celebrity vineyard

built on top of the ruins of a cambodian killing field

from which all the human remains had been excavated

save a mile square pit of fossilized dongs,

with which Lorraine Bracco personally pestles the juice

[Ives-y] From every last grape. (duh nuh nuh NUH nuh, duh-nuh nuh NUH nuh).

 

 

Ah. Merry Christmas

Jokeyjoke/Played Out: Sophie’s Choice

October 20 2009

Comparing your options to Sophie’s Choice is so played out, guys.

[I heard someone use it when debating whether to go to bed or watch another re-run of Frasier.]
Really? The extent to which you’ve fucked up your life is comparable to deciding which one of your children to kill?

I mean:  C’mon, people.
Like your problems are really that easy to solve.

Flip a coin– duh.
It’s the only fair way to do it.

 
So obvious.

——————-
(She only has two kids, don’t even need to go a series of competing flips)
(She can even have the Nazi stop her from looking at the result and ask her to say the first name that comes to her head– a coin flip is a really great way to put things in perspective).

[Also: Frasier. We’re only on this Earth one time– make the most of it.
Who knows when your mom is going to wish it was tails.]