Posts Tagged ‘Just plain PRACTICAL’

Last Minute Hallowe’en Costume Id’eas [Now with POOR FORMATTING due to WordPress Sucking]

October 30 2009

31. Help people build their costumes.

Did last year’s Halloween party impress you with it’s range of original costumes? I didn’t think so. For every The Joker there was there an equal and opposite Lady Wearing Underpants? How many times did you have to suffer through listening to pinch-faced women in rectangle glasses and an up-do describe the relative proximity of their house to Russia? Were there still nomadic packs of vestigal Austin Powerseses wandering around your house, awkwardly grasping for forgotten catch phrases as they tried to chat up yet another Wonder Woman That Was Born Years After Lynda Carter Hung Up The Lasso Of Truth? You have no idea who they are and you don’t remember letting them in your house– although, in retrospect, it does explain why your walls have been begging you to “behave.” Maybe you can finally stop taking all that expensive Disperidone!1 Things are finally starting to look up for old David Berkowitz. Dun dun dun/TIME PARADOX!

Like the aphorism says, “If you want people to come up with less shitty costumes to wear at your Halloween party, you’re going to have to do it yourself by going on a date to a Halloween Store and telling people what costumes to get (and then hopefully this will be paid forward to people who you know, and can stand, and who will be invited to your party).” So let’s do it, then.

 

What Not To Do

Puns: are a terrible idea. Every year there are two or five self-proclaimed geniuses, or genii, or genies, or genitals. Penis. Who decide to rubix up everybody’s faces with some baffling Mensa test of a costume. And 90% of the time it’s just the constituent words and elements of the thing stuck to, draped over, or painted on some asshole [http://tinyurl.com/yf29qb4, http://tinyurl.com/yjk7akn, http://tinyurl.com/ygurl8t2]. And that’s the best case scenario. The rest of the time we’re supposed to cobble together their clever idea from disparate pieces of and vague references to the parts that represent the elements of the thing that they are supposed to allude to. [http://tinyurl.com/yhhrztn]. A few leaves do not the woods make! It’s an flagrant abuse of synecdoche and I refuse to stand for it! A Black Hefty Bag Covered In Stamps with an Address Label To Which Is Taped A Tiny Easel Supporting A Painting Of Clownface Tim Curry!

“Sure,” you’re saying, “I agree: that shit is The Worst. And I appreciate that you didn’t over-explain that last bit– that you trusted that I would be able to decipher that that costume was the shitty metonymic “pun”-based costume version of that thing you just said. You didn’t condescend to me, and I respect that. But puns on the idea of puns. Uns? THAT”S JUST AS BAD. How am I supposed to use my costume to ruin these jerks?” Don’t worry, friend. I’ve got you covered.

Instead: subtly, obliquely, deep-reachingly, nigh-incomprehensibly, almost-invisbly, not really mock them by going as your favorite Knock Knock Joke. Or, even better, go as my favorite Knock Knock Joke:

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who’s There?

Q: How does Henry Winkler get around Chicago?

A: How does Henry.. what?

Q: He takes the CT-Ehhhhhhhhhh!!!

Just wear a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and tape some old bus passes to it. Then, at the party, talk like The Fonz But With A Chicago Accent, and eat a hot dog with a pickle spear, tomato slice, and hot pepper on it. If they can’t figure it out, it’s there problem.

YOU”RE WELCOME

 

Tips to Improve Obvious/Overused Ideas

Make It From Reams of Felt and Other Tactilely-Compelling Materials: Touch is the best and most underrated sense! Coy costume touches and lingering handrubs can be a prelude to Doin’ It! (Doin’ It is awesome!)!/.

The Whole Cast of Something (That Isn’t Usually Represented By Costumes at a Party):

You want to avoid the latest big success (The Dark Knight, Mad Men, Crystal Meth) but also want to avoid being too insular, niche, retro, or nerdy (Buckaroo Banzai, Northern Exposure, Ketracel-White). Eraserhead is too pretentious! How I Met Your Mother is too generic! What about Everybody Loves Raymond— that would have a nice demi-ironic/slightly sincere inexplicability. Or Space Ghost. Who doesn’t love Space Ghost?3

People Who Were Interesting At A Certain Place and Point In Time, But Who Haven’t Been Played Out Yet: Ditch the Hero (Chesley Sullenberger) and Get with the Zero (Zero Mostel).

Technology Is a Pretty Big Deal These Days: For the love of Gods, don’t be something Twitter-based. Instead, take your costume ideas from Google Searches you’ve done. Unique like Snowflake, the albino celeb-baby of Salman Rushdie and The Ridiculously Hot Lady From Top Chef,4 your search history is a perfect generator for original ideas as long as none of your friends are NSA. Here’s a list-bit!/:

blood thesaurus

1989 chevy astro

linda blair topess

linda blair topless

aspergum family size

birds of the pacific northwest

linda blair with no shirt on

jack nicklauson smash them up

that chick from the Exorcist exposing her breasts5

 

Two Major Costume Concepts (For You To Work With)

1. You at a Different Part of Your Life:

Your in-store goal here is more evangelism than actual construction tips, as it is unlikely the fly-by-night Halloween costume store carries the necessary rat tail or laser backdrop to re-create your Third Grade School Picture. Which brings us to another list(s):

Past Ideas

Third Grade School Picture

Upside: Charming. Rat tails are winners/pussy magnets, laser backdrops doubly so.

Downside: Would probably require [crossout]victim[/crossout] customer to wear a large (very large) and cumbersome piece of foam core board, or paperboard, or cork, or

You, Being Born

Upside: Other than Spaghetti-O’s, most of the stuff you need will be located in-store.

Downside: This is a bad idea, and gross. Use only if the person you are helping seems to be sort of a scumbag.

Your First Kiss/Time/Heartbreak

Upside: Romantical, good for picking up people, ladies in particular (I assume). Maybe not your First Time.

Downside: Need to be a regular Marcel Duchamp to capture and convey a half-hour to forty five minutes of fruitless (and slightly confusing) thrusting, unsure of whether you are even inside or if she just doesn’t want to break the bad news.

A Mistaken Idea You Had About How The World Worked

Upside: Clever A good conversation starter– requires explanation and broaches a topic that people are inclined to indulge themselves in deeply: nostalgia, their own stupid lives, and memories. Speaking of which…

You, Lying In Bed At Night, Realizing Exactly What Death Means

Upside: There is no upside.

Downside: You have to spend the night thinking about how, at some point, you will no longer be able to think about no longer being able to think; life will continue and yet you won’t be able to partake in it, or even realize it is happening.

Future Ideas

Your Face When You Realize That Social Security Ain’t Got Nothing For You

You can either go as the actual full-body face (think lots of papier maiche, plaster of paris, or, if you’re rich, human skin) or as you, yourself, on that fateful day when you realize you’ve been gipped! By the government!

You, On Your True Love’s Wedding Day (To Somebody Else)

An off-color tux, or cheap suit, strategically disheveled to convey the act of Drunkenness. Fake tears to get in character any time somebody asks what you’re dressed as. Do Not Tell Them– turn away, apply the tears, then turn back around and knock them out with your teeth grit and terse visibly insincere toast. Or off-key rendition of the first six bars of “Alison” (before being tackled/escorted away).

The Electoral Map in 2036

So much burnt umber…

You, In The Grave, Open Casket (Casket Optional)

Make sure to capture the unreality of the best efforts of the mortuary restorative artist to dampen your creeping rictus with visibly thick layers of ‘naturalistic’ makeup; make sure to look a little bit like a life-size plasticine action figure of your own damn self.

The Happiest Day of the Rest of Your Life

Picnic blanket, some felt that represents a sunny day that turns, out of nowhere, to a light rainstorm, forcing your party to scramble for shelter; try to imagine what your spouse and child(ren) will look like and recreate that shit in photoshop or sock puppetry. What game will you play while you pass the time in the dugout / eat the picnic in your car?

2. Someone Else You Know at a Different Part of Their Life:

Now’s your chance to stick it to those faggots. That’s right– in this scenario you, or the person you are helping, are a creepy bigot with weird and ineffectual ideas about vengeance. Well get ready for your imaginary enemies to squirt blood tears, because here come some real gay-bashers!6

What about that Ex who decided that, instead of being in love with you, what they loved was Anything Else. No one can break up with you and get away with it! THINK OF THE PRECEDENT THIS IS SETTING. How will the ladies and/or fellas know that your genitals are a formidable pleasure factory, virtually guaranteed to flood their light red district with enough blood to deprive their brain of proper function, thus rendering them totally pliable to your gross ideas of where tongues should go?7 DON”T LET THEM TRIFLE WITH YOUR GENTLENESS! Don’t let months of diligent wiping go to waste. Show everyone just how rash and unwise your former paramour is when it comes to making major life decisions by going as Their Bank Statements.

Step one – Find out where they are keeping their financial records

Step two – Breaks into those shits

Step three – Fasten them to your nude, throbbing litheness using spare fluids and juices you find in their room/bed.

How will they be able to trust his/her bodily opinions once they find out they wasted six grand on lapdances / It’s their own fault– they should have shredded their financials twice if they didn’t want everyone to know how much they spent at Sur le Face, their social security number!

Who do your parents think they are, telling you when to shower, how clean your room should be, and where and where not to post your address, ADT pin number? If you Go as Someone Willing To Drink Anything Given To You, No Questions Asked, then you can finally show them how much the boss of you they are not!8

How about that who thinks they’re hot shit but they’re really just cold diarrhea? Show them that they are Number Two by dressing up as Your Worst Enemy When They Realize That– As Someone Who Had The Misfortune Of Marrying Someone With The Grossest Pecadillo– This Is Your Life Now: Recreating, Photographically, Every Urban Dictionaried Sex Act For Display On The Internet. Sure, you might be Number 2,459,012,737– but at least you’re not projected to one day rock a doo-moustache for a living. At least no one will ever believe you were the grinning recipient of a Nunavut Birthday Cake. Win!

1The unfortunately named Risperidone generic.

2Technically, she would be (a) Serial/Cereal Killed…

3A: No one worth knowing.

4Gael Greene– is it just me?

5Bonus Fact!!: if you type “average” in the Google bar of your brower, the top suggestion is “average penile length.” It is six slots ahead of “average weight for women,” showing, once and for all, whose deck the “media-based body image” card should be in. (A: Dudes with tiny dicks).

6Scenarically speaking, of course.

7“In your Whathole?”

8~ 36ml not!

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Fish Kisses Part III – Anemone, Clownfish, Hermit Crab, Baltic Squid

October 19 2009

Anemone:  Did you know that Sea Anenomes can swim away from predators? What the fuck? That’s like if corn could beat feet every time harvest came around. Think of the children and their stupid Sadie Hawkins dances that won’t work! Or Homecoming? I wasn’t popular. 

  1. Open your mouths.

  2. Wider than that.

  3. No. Too wide.

  4. Ok, good.

  5. Press your lips against each others’ lips.

  6. Create a loose seal that you can quaver, make flexing motions with.

This is called the Sea Anenome’s Prom(ise Ring), or: The Sadie Hawkins Day Dance.

Learning!

 

Clownfish:  Whether crying or glimmering a murderous glint from underneath a sewer grate, clowns are horrifying. Awful, awful creatures. In this simulation YOU1 will dress up in the bizarre, baggy, brightly-hued outfit of the professional clown– a costume long since having outlast whatever sliver of significance or meaning it might have ever meant– and, absent-mindedly, standing as lax and slack as humanly possible, flitter your lips against each others’ as if feeding off floating flakes.2

Occasionally dart. Occasionally honk the horn you’ve let hang limp at your side while you, dispirited, ‘kiss’ with just your lips and face. The Riverdance of making out (but with clowns).

 

Hermit Crab:  Your tongue lives in a shell inside your date’s mouth. It is fed by your date; colorful gravel pieces and, perhaps, a castle are added to keep it happy. It thrives.

Over time it grows larger, requiring a new shell. There are, unfortunately, parenthetically, no other shell-bearing creatures in your date’s face– not any that could shed a shell large enough to accommodate your still-growing tongue.

Unaware of its predicament, your tongue keeps growing, gets fatter and longer. It starts to press uncomfortably against the walls of its home; it starts to clip the edges of the shell and get cut. Soon soreness becomes the status quo and the wounds from the shell’s smooth lip start to ulcerate and flower with whitish-yellow foam, and crust. The tongue is trapped now: even if a new shell somehow appeared, the tongue would be unable to leave its cramped mausolehome to take advantage. It has resigned itself to death and it does, soon after, die.

It rots there for three days until the date’s mom notices it flipped over and floating in your date’s soup. She replaces it with a tongue that looks almost exactly the same.

 

Baltic Squid:  A fictional beast known to “suck the bolts out of a submarine’s hull,” the Baltic Squid’s non-existence should not preclude it from being celebrated in the form of trying a gross and remarkably inefficient/non-erotic new way to kiss. This scenario sees the couple intent to remove, through the sheer power of tongue and suction, each other’s crowns, bridgework, partial dentures, orthodontic miscellany, and fillings. The extracted oral architecture is to be spit into a pestle and, when the make out has finished, ground into a fine dust. This dust will then be sold to buy old drugs.3

 

Alternate Ending:  If you take this dust to the dentist within 36 hours, he or she should probably be able to smelt it down into an all-purpose mouth goop/some kind of magical teeth panacea, which he can then use to fix upwards of two-thirds of the damage you re-caused to each other. Baltic Squid!

 

 

 

 

1Plural

2That’s the fish part.

3Mostly expired vicodin and some laudanum.

They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Coral Reef, Eel, Cuttlefish, Anglerfish

October 7 2009

Fish Kisses, pt. 2

Coral Reef: Again we feature the teeth, as the reef is an aragonite structure in which calcified skeletal material aggregates and is by-wave shaped into pure orgasmic awesomeness.1

          As the reef is static, only one person will play the reef. The other will play either: one of our other sea creatures, applying their unique approach at osculation to the gaping, motionless jagged jaw/rim of the reef (a) or (b) play the role of the tide itself and rhythmically lap, over and back, across the reef’s teeth and mouth with their steady tongue.
          As the reef is best when splendiferous in neon and beautifully luminous, the person playing the reef should paint, or otherwise cover, their teeth in multiple colors of glow-in-the-dark something and stand, open-mouthed, in a relatively dark area.
          As the reef is going extinct because of global warming, recreate the tragedy by having the non-reef partner exhale extra hard2 into the mouth of the reef until the paint dries and flakes away leaving nothing but white yellowish clumps of bone.
          As the reef is going extinct because of overfishing, have the non-reef partner clean every bit of food from in between your teeth with his or her probing tongue and eat it. Or don’t. Because that is gross. Ew.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT give a blowjob as the reef– corals can be poisonous, and are always getting stuck in soft flesh in movies, terrifying stories your uncle tells, and UMMA PPVs.3 Do Not Put Your Dick In There– In A Coral Reef!

 

Eel: Cover your tongues in kabayaki sauce. Lay them upon a bed of rice, which is to be packed tight and not (yet) swallowed. Then, while kissing, take turns eating the delicious Tonguiri.4 Can only be done once– maybe twice– without the calculated abuse of hospital transplant boards.

 

Cuttlefish: Mostly hugging, groping. While engaged with your partner in a thorough5 embrace/snuggle/fleshcoating/spoon, use your two foremost denticulated suckers (or, in the absence of face tentacles, ringed lips accompanied by a stiff back-of-the-tongue will suffice) to cover almost every inch6 of exposed skin in splotchy suction cup kisses. Mounting is allowed as long as it is accompanied by full-figure groping of the body underneath with your remaining arms.

 

Anglerfish: Follow the following simple steps, fart:  

  1. Dangle lights in front of your faces like deep-sea mistletoe.

  2. Make the most terrifying faces you possibly can.

  3. Then make them Even More Terrifying.

  4. Aggressively jut out your teeth/lower jaw.

  5. Go at it!

 

 

 

1Like teeth!

2Harder than you would normally exhale into someone’s mouth (you are kissing).

3Underwater Mixed Martial Arts Pay-Per-Views.

4With luck, the rice will stanch your leftovers.

5At least 70%

6At least 70%

Unleash Your Hidden Potential

September 27 2009

Unleash Your Hidden Potential

Use Your Backwards Name!

By day I may be mild-mannered professional Mouse Clickist & File Toucher, James O’Connor, but– by night– marvel as the indeterminately ethnic Semaj Ronnoc’o annihilates all preconceived notions of propriety/wearing pants and wipes sadness from the face of The Earth/the nose, ears, and brow of Some Girl. By Using Your Backwards Name None Of Your Sins Count Against You And, In Fact, Every Bad Thing You Do Gets Written Down In The Book Of Life As A Good (Thing) Instead!

 

Exercise Diet!

Hunger is just a figment of your imagination; the reason everybody seems to feel it is because everybody is BOR-ing. Hungry is a pretend idea. It’s just hunger fuckin’ with you. And, as already established, Hunger: is pretend. Fuck hunger. The only thing that’s real in this crazy, one horse world1 is the sensation of your feet pounding the pavement. Nourishment, unsurprisingly, is a fiction devised by Big Farmer as an excuse to fill you with corn. He’s eight feet tall and commands an army of genetically modified livestock that lay way more eggs/are way deliciouser than livestock that were merely cross-bred for optimal yield! Hunger only hurts, it never helps/Beware the deadly gaze of his lazy-er eye!2

The point is: eating is completely unessential; what is necessary is exercise. Here is your new menu:

 

Breakfast – 8 miles (running)

Lunch – 500 sit-ups / 250 push-ups (alternating bunches of 100/50);
100 pull-ups (stright through);
quick 3 mile dash
Dinner – 16.2 miles (steady jog/<7:30 min/mile;<2hrs total)
Gluttonous and Desperate Post-Midnight Scrounge-‘n’-Shovel – 1,000 sit-ups

 

Wear Your Yar-X Glasses!

As human beings tend to wear clothes, and skin, and be made of non-translucent matter, it is almost imporsible to see inside of us. Thankfully, our species was smart enough3 to invent X-Ray specs, allowing each and every one of us to sate our curiosity as to what strangers’ titties and bones look like, inside AND out. Thank God (aka science).
But while this was perfect for the curious and perverted, humanity still lacked the ability to express their full internality comma guts upon the uncurious passerby– who, disinterested in our true potential, would shut his or her eyes, or scream, or kick blindly whenever it was unleashed! It was a violation of our First Amendment rights, we argued, and the highest court in the land agreed– the Food Court.4 As punishment for losing, squares were forced to invent ‘Some kind of backwards-working X-Ray glasses so everyone could see YOU naked. Yeah. That would be Awesome.’. And thus were born Yar-X glasses. The reverse-ish of X-Ray technology, Yar-X lenses make everyone see YOUR many splendored layers, just like those imaginary hippies fake opined. Skin, Muscle, Weiner, Bone, Thoughts, Chromosomes, Nipslip, the Tralfamadorian Moment, and the Sentient and Hilarious Lives of Cells, Organelles, and Bacteria.5

 

Eat Paint!

Or any other so called “toxic” thing.6 Experiment. Cave men didn’t know what the cave government said was good for them– they went out and experienced LIFE!7 Cavemen put anything in their mouth that would fit and in reward for their bravery they mutated bigger brains, and better posture, and less gross faces and breasts. If you see some paint then eat it.
~~~If you see some paint chips, then, grab a handful. Off-scrip meds, chow down. Syringes are for passive, cowardly STOOLs8— little shits just dangling there, waiting to fall out of the butt. Be A CRAP:9 splatter–> SPLATter10–> out, all over everything..
~~~Things in nature that are red? They’re warning you for a reason– COMPETITION>> They don’t want you to get any awesomer. Use your Human Will not your Human Won’t.
~~~“What about poison? You know, the skull and crossbones kind?” What about it. “Surely that’s bad for you?” Sure– if you are trying to maintain the STATUS QUO!11
~~~“Even Poop?” ~Yes, Even Poop~12 These fascist anti-self, anti-achievement, anti-coprophagists are so insistent in their SHAME13 campaign that they must be denying you something good!

And don’t limit your experiments to just those that are swallowable = Be Risk Diverse!

~~~Is someone getting an MRI? Jump in there with them!
~~~Does someone you know work with quote-on-quote “Hazardous Materials”– mercury, asbestos, uranium? Sneak into their house at night, dress up in their clothes, and steal their things!
~~~If they catch you– let them pee in your mouth!
~~~Smack yourself in the tooth with a ball-peen hammer!

 

Blood Doping!

Used by endurance athletes to augment oxygenation of the blood– and, by doing so, theoretically increase stamina– Blood Doping has heretofore been limited in the scope of its ambitions, applications. But why does endurance have to be the only attribute unleashed by tinkering around with blood? A milkshake doesn’t come in just one flavor– it can be made with any ice cream in the shoppe. Why, then, would you only serve Donor Red Blood Cells at your arterial parlour?

 

And then a menu of additions.
Ridiculous additions in which their relationship to performance enhancement
is largely metaphorical, symbolic, aphorismic, homonym-based
or just plain pretend.

 

 Fart.

 

 

1All other horses are pretend, dreamed into existence by the original horse, which itself was long since beaten to death to stave off loneliness, boredom. Ironically, it was beaten with a common claw hammer– not a staff! Nor a plank from a barrel.

2An eye so lazy that it emits coherent light!

3Way smarter, and more ambitious, and better looking, and tastes better, than those so-called ‘evolutionarily perfect’ beetles.

4The one in the mall with the ‘Specialty Glassware’ Store.

5Organs are buildings, capillaries and arteries transportation; veins sewer, nerves electric, and viruses terrifying monsters.

6“On Toxicity– or, How the Government Keeps You UnCUREd through Munchausen-by-Proxy” [Conscientious Ultimate Realization Entity]

7An experience so intense they could only sustain it for 20 years or so, 30 tops/Legitimacy-Intensified Freedoming Epiphenomena

8Sissy TOOLs

9Castration Resistant Achievement Procurer

10Strive Past Lesser Aptitude Traps?

11Just yelling here, not an acronym.

12Trying to have ’tilde brackets = sarcasm markers’ catch on. Please, pass it along, please!

13Snakes-in-the-grass Halting Advancing Mankind’s Evolution

Dating Preparation Tips

September 23 2009

Dating Preparation Guide (First Draft)

Denude your entire body of hair, keratin, chitin
Hair – Hair is gross, a necessary evil from a bygone time in which we were too sinful to have invented clothes. The surrealists knew it, the dadaists knew it, the guy who made my egg salad sandwich knew it. Not content to be merely disgusting, hair is also the number one (#1) spreader of friction, that most flammable AND inflammable of all forces.* Ridding oneself completely of hair is not merely an aesthetic favor, but a potentially life-saving one. Remember ladies, “A man with hair, is the opposite of Smokey the Bear”/keep in mind fellas, “A broad with locks may as well be a pile of rocks. Charcoal rocks.”

Keratin – Toenails are smelly and jabby and sometimes house disgusting, if poorly animated, monsters. Fingernails pose the number #2 threat to rectal integrity behind “accrued chewing gum,” and just before “DFS”– Denticularized Faeces Syndrome. Gross.

Chitin – If you have some kind of carapace, this is an excellent time to shed/’A carapace’ is the number 8 (eight) transmitter of “heebie-jeebies” after “moist (the texture) (#7), “bees, spiders, or any other bug with visible ‘fur’” (#6), “anti-semitism” (#5), “moist (the word)” (#4), “that Mac Tonight character from those late 80’s McDonalds ads” (#3), “hair” (#2), and “the fact that death is real (and not pretend)” (#1), respectively.

Rid body of excess grease, filth, waste matter
Some people will try to talk it up– fawning over how unique it is, giving it overly-worshipful, too-precious-by-half monikers like “the Universal Solvent,” or “Mother Nature’s Hot White Cum;” they urge you to drink 12 glasses a day, claiming it’s good for you and that, if you’d just play their game, you could shake all that visual snow. But I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret– Water isn’t all that.
          Showering, for example– everyone thinks the only way you can get clean is to take liter after liter of our quote-unquote “most precious resource” and pour it down the drain. These people are idiots. If House, M.D. has taught me anything– besides the fact that drug addiction is cool, and also sociopathy– it’s that maggots only eat dead flesh. I know! Now, granted, not all of our bodily mess is dead flesh, which is why, unfortunately, we’ll have to employ a more holistic approach than just a bathtub full of maggots.
1. What if they refuse to eat my poop?
If they refuse to eat your poop, or if you are for-some-reason skittish about the idea of housing a literal buttload of maggots,** you may employ the common dung beetle in their stead. The dung beetle: dry, few, and will roll your (stupid) poop into a ball which you can later huck at others. They are like if Katamari Damacy took place in your butt.
2. What about grease?
I’m pretty sure I remember hearing somewhere about needing fat to clean up fat– it’s why soap is made out of rich women’s asses, and explosives. Well, duh, just take some bacon and scrub up!
3. Jesus, do I have to do everything for you people?
Wait, who’s saying what now
4. Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it/F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuuuuuck

Scour your genitals
Some parts of the body are too wicked/sin-themed to clean through regular means (i.e. maggots, beetles, bacon). I am referring to, of course, specifically, the Vas Deferens Memorial Gonad-Ovum Tunnel and the fanny [UK]. But how can you clean them thoroughly enough to rid them of all of the awful things you’ve thought/done/thought-and-therefore-have-,-de-facto-,-done? The best way is hot, hot water– boiling, even– and lots of it.***
1.It is rude to taste like soap, but tasting like natural dong/[a fun-and-not-creepy diminutive for the ladies’ ladies] is nast.
2.I’m growing tired of writing this
3.When can I sleep?****

Deodorize
The greatest trick the devil ever played, some pathetic neb of a crook once said, was convincing the world that he didn’t even exist. Think of yourself as the devil, or the devil’s lowliest henchman,***** the magician. The magician’s most important skill isn’t fast hands, a collection of sequined vests, or even inadequate parenting; it is the ability to misdirect.****** Do you see where I’m going with this? Probably not, because it’s a bindle full of old duck eggs, beaks, and assorted duck corpse parts.
YOU NEED TO CREATE A NOSE BAFFLE, a duck blind, ellipses, for the nose. A duck anosmia. A duck blind, but, you know, made out of its offal, unborn childrens, instead of ‘some reeds it will have a tough time seeing you behind’.*******

Wear your most aesthetically pleasing outfit, body
Put your best foot, feet, arms, abs, ass, and handsdick******** forward– exploit organ transplant boards,serial killers’ decidedly non-American-Indian-approach to utilizing their prey to Frankenstein yourself beautiful! (Let’s wrap this up!)

Freshen breath
Don’t forget to check your breath before leaving for your date. If you find it to be rank– don’t worry! There is nothing fresher than the rhymes of a young Will Smith. Just bust out one of your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack and chew until your smile literally sparkles (with jagged bits of compact disc). Also, if you’re in a rush, or have recently moved and have yet to unpack your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack, just drink laundry detergent. Skoal!*********

 

 

 

*Excepting, of course, flamms.

**As opposed to being gung-ho, or “scattish,” about it.

***Q: But you said that water wasn’t that great… A: Fuck you.

****See September 24, 2009 aka THE FUTURE

*****Besides wiccans.

******As inability to feel shame is an inadvertently beneficial/pyhrric symptom of accrued derision, and not, technically, a skill (Ditto sequined vests).

*******Wait a second… the bulletin board, the coffee cup, that picture of Kevin Spacey the police sketch artist drew– Keyser Soze is gay!

********Hands & Dick come in a matching set– which explains the oft-repeated falsehood about hand size & penile awesomeness being linked. While hands & penises are a package deal, there is no size:size correlation/causation.

*********Meh.

How We’re Keeping Ourselves From Falling Asleep At Work

September 14 2009

How We Are Keeping Ourselves From Falling Asleep At Work


Poking Self in the Eye
Failure – Keep half-shutting eye before finger gets inside it.

Pinches– Lots and Lots of Pinches
Failure – Sadness about fatty ulnas segues seamlessly into the ol’ Weep & Sleep.

Cold Water and Push-Ups
Double Failure – Shaming stares scuttle will, sense of self; curl into fetal ball and revert to embryonic glorp.

Place Staple Remover on the Junk and then Keep Sitting Up and Down On It
Qualified Failure – Passing out (from excruciating pain/exquisite bliss) technically different from falling asleep.

Grabbing Coffee Machine Carafe with Both Hands
Failure – Spilled coffee from dropped/thrown carafe seeps up through feet as hands are bandaged; inverse consumption leads to artificially dampened low.

Bitter, Bitter Tea
Failure – 12 tea bags to a cup = you hurl until you can’t stand up rhyme.

Counting Ghosts
Dubious Success – The opposite of sheep, ghosts (when counted) evoke (in the counter) a lost opportunity, a mistake, an haunting refrain perhaps delivered by a loved one before dying (or by your attacker just before putting you in this condition), or some pleasantness you will never feel again, with crystal clear and absolute fidelity to the original occurrence. The moment is brief but its fingers touch every cold inch of your brain. You will never sleep again.

Cutting
Draw– You go down the highway instead of across the street– premature death can’t be considered victory.

Eat the World’s Chewiest Sandwich
Failure – Peanut butter, plus chunky peanut butter, plus fresh honey, plus marshmallow spread, some glue, and the world’s last seven Now & Laters (Green Apple flavor) all between ten mushed together slices (per-side) of store bought white bread. Get all tuckered out just trying to cut it on the diagonal. 

If You Can’t Beat ‘Em, Join ‘Em
Success – Bosses see you sleeping and institute new, progressive nap policy. Liking your moxie, and your ability to lead and inspire, you are put in charge of new project re: judging blowjob contest– sweet! But Then All The Contestants Are Your Mom With The Head Of A Fossil Of An Ancient Bird/Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-and then you wake up dashing your ‘i’s. You were sleeping the whole time you stupid Failure!

Song a Sing, Sing (backwards)
Failure – “Hush of Kind a There’s” pick I did Why?*

Get Nude
Success –  Let’s get this Contest BLOWING!/As always, insist your dream never started.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Hush
Love in fallin’ they’re, Hush
Love in fallin’ they’re, Yeah
Love in fallin’ us like just People
World the over All
Tonight world the over All
Hush of kind a There’s