Posts Tagged ‘Knowledge is Power’

More Animal Facts

December 1 2009


% Mice‘ first alcoholic drink? Mint julep; it’s why they despise peppermint to this day, only decorate their christmas trees with rainbow canes.

% Alt. Why do Mice hate peppermint? Candy canes remind them of their father and his (fucking) horrifying death: Santa Clausing down a chimney, his arms loaded with presents.*

% There are 602,214,141,070,409,084,099,072 Moles per burrow; never go below ground.

% Naked Mole Rats have become endangered ever since ‘digging gangs’ were found prosecutable under RICO statutes.

% (Diggers long have embezzled union dues; 85% of Volcanoers indentured slaves)

% Octopuses can squeeze their entire body inside a soda can. An impressive act of contortion outshone only by the rapid development of the cephalopod soft drink industry.

% Thus explaining their nickname, The South Koreans of the Sea.

% Pearl Oysters do not appreciate how we have besmirched their necklaces, wish we would stop knackering ourselves nacreing all over each others’ faces.

% Though intelligent, Pigs aren’t smart enough to not be delicious.

% So fuck ’em.

% To account for their incredible reflexes/eponymous linguistic deficiencies, all Pigeon cinema is shot in 75 fps comma dubbed into adorably incompetent English.

% Quail do not actually wear their underwear outside their pants; the belt on the head thing is a half-truth.

% (It’s a cincher– the gamebird has yet to master the awl).

% The Quoll, one of Oceania’s many hilariously poorly adapted animals/barely-living jokes, is actually the past tense of the quail.

% When a quail dies, its body– its animus– (all quails are women) is mailed to Australia.

% Upon touching the down under’s magic soil, it resurrects in the form of a cat so dumb the male will kill or eat the female during sex.

% Idiots!

% Speaking of Australians, the Rabbit was intelligently designed as some of Tralfamadorian fuck you to the former prison colony and its ungainly inhabitants.

% Most Scorpions’ venom is not harmful to humans– at least not as harmful as their cutting barbs and stinging mot justes.

% The mythical ‘mermaid’ is actually the lowly Sea Cow;  their existence a fabrication spun by shamed sailors, who– too long at sea– joined-in on their down-low man-on-manatee jo sessions.

% Is it any coincidence that the legendary sea siren is an anagram for “i’d ream ‘m”?

% Other disgusting things Australians do? They sneak inside the Sea Cucumber‘s multi-purpose anushole just to swim around, conceive their young.

% One look at the Tapir’s elongated snout would lead one to believe that they eat ants and termites like the similarly equipped anteater and aardvark; one would be wrong. Their nose is actually a finger by which they eat the dreams of the Chin and Japanese.

% Wong Kar-Wai’s classic film In The Mood For Love is actually an adaptation of a real life story that happened between four Termites and a hole in a tree.

% Other Wong Kar-Wai movies based on insects? Pill Bugs and Chungking Express. Gay Ants and Happy Together.

% The red face of the Uakari is objective proof of the shame of being bald.

% Umbrellabirds are so named because of their victimization at the hands of Chris Brown.

% Unaus aren’t technically adorable, as they are both unable to love, and their stringent atheistic beliefs cause them to turn back all obeisance or worship.

% Sick and tired of race traitors like Alex Trebek, Jim Carrey, Dan Aykroyd, Catherine O’Hara, and Michael J. Fox, the Canadian Porcupine, the Urson, has abandoned the United States for Canada.

% The Urubu is the only bird to– upon first menstruation– use isolation, dietary restriction, and antbites to ritually signify the coming of womanhood. That can’t be right.

% Voles are not to be trusted; though slaves themselves, they think nothing of voling out their fellow subjugatees to Skalrag for their own personal gain.

% During World War II, the Germans cross-bred Wisent with American bison in an increasingly desperate attempt to create a master race.

% The Wolverine‘s dark shaggy, hydrophobic fur is a big upgrade from its old skintight, neon yellow and blue pelt.

% Xiphias gladius— that’s the latin name for the Swordfish! Suck it, Pallotta!

% While skilled saxophonists, Yaks are rarely asked to join big bands due to their penchant for zany digressions.

% Yorkshire Terriers invented pudding lame.

% Zebras, tired of always being at the end of things, have lobbied more than two dozen times for legislature that would alternate alphabetical order on a yearly basis.

% Zero chance, jerks.






*And that’s how they found out there was no Santa Claus.


Blue Cliff’s Notes

October 29 2009

Answering All Of Your Zen Koans


What is the Sound of One Hand Clapping?    By definition it takes two hands to clap. Faulty question. Next.


If a Tree Falls in the Woods and No One is Around to Hear It (Does It Make A Sound)?    Leave a tape recorder in the woods. It’s not a person so the “no one around” qualification is met. It will definitively measure any present sounds. Duh/Next.


Has the Dog a Buddha Nature?    Depends on the dog. Need more specifics.


The World is Vast and Wide. Why do you put on your Robes at The Sound of a Bell?    Non-sequitur.  Quoth the Pterodactyl LP Player, “it’s a living.”


Nan-in pours tea for the professor and when the cup is full keeps on pouring. The professor protests, “It has overflown. No more will go in.” Nan-in rebuts, “like this cup you are full of your own opinions. How can I teach you Zen unless you empty your cup?”?    Tea is hot. The professor is right not to empty his cup until Nan-in stops pouring as he does not want to burn his hand.


Shuzan held out his short staff and said, “If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?”    A short staff.


Wakuan complained when he saw a picture of bearded Bodhidharma, “Why hasn’t that fellow a beard?”    Hey. Dum-dum. You JUST SAID HE HAD A BEARD. Contradictory! Also: trying too hard. Feels forced. D- work, Wakuan. See me after class.


Getsuan said to this students: `Keichu, the first wheel-maker of China, made two wheels of fifty spokes each. Now, suppose you removed the nave uniting the spokes. What would become of the wheel? And had Keichu done this could he be called the master wheel-maker?’     1. It would be much less structurally sound. 2. No. Absolutely not. He would be one of the worst wheel-makers– an apprentice, tops.


How would you speak with your mouth shut?    Through puppets. It’s called ventriloquism. It’s back in a big way and it brought along its vaudevillian friend, Creepy Ethnic Grotesques. (Sad).


A monk asked Tozan, “How can we escape the cold and heat?” Tozan replied, “Why not go where there is no cold and heat?” “Is there such a place?” the monk asked. Tozan commented, “When cold, be thoroughly cold; when hot, be hot through and through.” “Like the McDLT?” the monk felt out. “Precisely,” Tozan extrapolated, “The sandwich in and of itself was ‘cool,’ while it also contributed to global ‘warm’ing. Bonus.”


Yunmen used the staff to instruct the assembly and said, “The staff changes and becomes a dragon. However, it swallows Heaven and Earth completely! Mountains, rivers, and the great earth—from where are they able to come?”    The agglomeration of dust and other particles in space, I think. I forget. Gravity is involved, and stars probably. It’s been a long time since I was in college.


Betty or Veronica?    Jughead. Come on, Arch– don’t Larry Craig these broads.


A student once asked: “If I haven’t anything in my mind, what shall I do?”
Joshu replied: “Throw it out.”
“But if I haven’t anything, how can I throw it out?” continued the questioner.
“Well,” said Joshu, “maybe you forgot to STAMP it!” and then he stomped on his foot.


They Way Some Fishes Kiss – Coral Reef, Eel, Cuttlefish, Anglerfish

October 7 2009

Fish Kisses, pt. 2

Coral Reef: Again we feature the teeth, as the reef is an aragonite structure in which calcified skeletal material aggregates and is by-wave shaped into pure orgasmic awesomeness.1

          As the reef is static, only one person will play the reef. The other will play either: one of our other sea creatures, applying their unique approach at osculation to the gaping, motionless jagged jaw/rim of the reef (a) or (b) play the role of the tide itself and rhythmically lap, over and back, across the reef’s teeth and mouth with their steady tongue.
          As the reef is best when splendiferous in neon and beautifully luminous, the person playing the reef should paint, or otherwise cover, their teeth in multiple colors of glow-in-the-dark something and stand, open-mouthed, in a relatively dark area.
          As the reef is going extinct because of global warming, recreate the tragedy by having the non-reef partner exhale extra hard2 into the mouth of the reef until the paint dries and flakes away leaving nothing but white yellowish clumps of bone.
          As the reef is going extinct because of overfishing, have the non-reef partner clean every bit of food from in between your teeth with his or her probing tongue and eat it. Or don’t. Because that is gross. Ew.

IMPORTANT: Do NOT give a blowjob as the reef– corals can be poisonous, and are always getting stuck in soft flesh in movies, terrifying stories your uncle tells, and UMMA PPVs.3 Do Not Put Your Dick In There– In A Coral Reef!


Eel: Cover your tongues in kabayaki sauce. Lay them upon a bed of rice, which is to be packed tight and not (yet) swallowed. Then, while kissing, take turns eating the delicious Tonguiri.4 Can only be done once– maybe twice– without the calculated abuse of hospital transplant boards.


Cuttlefish: Mostly hugging, groping. While engaged with your partner in a thorough5 embrace/snuggle/fleshcoating/spoon, use your two foremost denticulated suckers (or, in the absence of face tentacles, ringed lips accompanied by a stiff back-of-the-tongue will suffice) to cover almost every inch6 of exposed skin in splotchy suction cup kisses. Mounting is allowed as long as it is accompanied by full-figure groping of the body underneath with your remaining arms.


Anglerfish: Follow the following simple steps, fart:  

  1. Dangle lights in front of your faces like deep-sea mistletoe.

  2. Make the most terrifying faces you possibly can.

  3. Then make them Even More Terrifying.

  4. Aggressively jut out your teeth/lower jaw.

  5. Go at it!




1Like teeth!

2Harder than you would normally exhale into someone’s mouth (you are kissing).

3Underwater Mixed Martial Arts Pay-Per-Views.

4With luck, the rice will stanch your leftovers.

5At least 70%

6At least 70%

Unleash Your Hidden Potential

September 27 2009

Unleash Your Hidden Potential

Use Your Backwards Name!

By day I may be mild-mannered professional Mouse Clickist & File Toucher, James O’Connor, but– by night– marvel as the indeterminately ethnic Semaj Ronnoc’o annihilates all preconceived notions of propriety/wearing pants and wipes sadness from the face of The Earth/the nose, ears, and brow of Some Girl. By Using Your Backwards Name None Of Your Sins Count Against You And, In Fact, Every Bad Thing You Do Gets Written Down In The Book Of Life As A Good (Thing) Instead!


Exercise Diet!

Hunger is just a figment of your imagination; the reason everybody seems to feel it is because everybody is BOR-ing. Hungry is a pretend idea. It’s just hunger fuckin’ with you. And, as already established, Hunger: is pretend. Fuck hunger. The only thing that’s real in this crazy, one horse world1 is the sensation of your feet pounding the pavement. Nourishment, unsurprisingly, is a fiction devised by Big Farmer as an excuse to fill you with corn. He’s eight feet tall and commands an army of genetically modified livestock that lay way more eggs/are way deliciouser than livestock that were merely cross-bred for optimal yield! Hunger only hurts, it never helps/Beware the deadly gaze of his lazy-er eye!2

The point is: eating is completely unessential; what is necessary is exercise. Here is your new menu:


Breakfast – 8 miles (running)

Lunch – 500 sit-ups / 250 push-ups (alternating bunches of 100/50);
100 pull-ups (stright through);
quick 3 mile dash
Dinner – 16.2 miles (steady jog/<7:30 min/mile;<2hrs total)
Gluttonous and Desperate Post-Midnight Scrounge-‘n’-Shovel – 1,000 sit-ups


Wear Your Yar-X Glasses!

As human beings tend to wear clothes, and skin, and be made of non-translucent matter, it is almost imporsible to see inside of us. Thankfully, our species was smart enough3 to invent X-Ray specs, allowing each and every one of us to sate our curiosity as to what strangers’ titties and bones look like, inside AND out. Thank God (aka science).
But while this was perfect for the curious and perverted, humanity still lacked the ability to express their full internality comma guts upon the uncurious passerby– who, disinterested in our true potential, would shut his or her eyes, or scream, or kick blindly whenever it was unleashed! It was a violation of our First Amendment rights, we argued, and the highest court in the land agreed– the Food Court.4 As punishment for losing, squares were forced to invent ‘Some kind of backwards-working X-Ray glasses so everyone could see YOU naked. Yeah. That would be Awesome.’. And thus were born Yar-X glasses. The reverse-ish of X-Ray technology, Yar-X lenses make everyone see YOUR many splendored layers, just like those imaginary hippies fake opined. Skin, Muscle, Weiner, Bone, Thoughts, Chromosomes, Nipslip, the Tralfamadorian Moment, and the Sentient and Hilarious Lives of Cells, Organelles, and Bacteria.5


Eat Paint!

Or any other so called “toxic” thing.6 Experiment. Cave men didn’t know what the cave government said was good for them– they went out and experienced LIFE!7 Cavemen put anything in their mouth that would fit and in reward for their bravery they mutated bigger brains, and better posture, and less gross faces and breasts. If you see some paint then eat it.
~~~If you see some paint chips, then, grab a handful. Off-scrip meds, chow down. Syringes are for passive, cowardly STOOLs8— little shits just dangling there, waiting to fall out of the butt. Be A CRAP:9 splatter–> SPLATter10–> out, all over everything..
~~~Things in nature that are red? They’re warning you for a reason– COMPETITION>> They don’t want you to get any awesomer. Use your Human Will not your Human Won’t.
~~~“What about poison? You know, the skull and crossbones kind?” What about it. “Surely that’s bad for you?” Sure– if you are trying to maintain the STATUS QUO!11
~~~“Even Poop?” ~Yes, Even Poop~12 These fascist anti-self, anti-achievement, anti-coprophagists are so insistent in their SHAME13 campaign that they must be denying you something good!

And don’t limit your experiments to just those that are swallowable = Be Risk Diverse!

~~~Is someone getting an MRI? Jump in there with them!
~~~Does someone you know work with quote-on-quote “Hazardous Materials”– mercury, asbestos, uranium? Sneak into their house at night, dress up in their clothes, and steal their things!
~~~If they catch you– let them pee in your mouth!
~~~Smack yourself in the tooth with a ball-peen hammer!


Blood Doping!

Used by endurance athletes to augment oxygenation of the blood– and, by doing so, theoretically increase stamina– Blood Doping has heretofore been limited in the scope of its ambitions, applications. But why does endurance have to be the only attribute unleashed by tinkering around with blood? A milkshake doesn’t come in just one flavor– it can be made with any ice cream in the shoppe. Why, then, would you only serve Donor Red Blood Cells at your arterial parlour?


And then a menu of additions.
Ridiculous additions in which their relationship to performance enhancement
is largely metaphorical, symbolic, aphorismic, homonym-based
or just plain pretend.





1All other horses are pretend, dreamed into existence by the original horse, which itself was long since beaten to death to stave off loneliness, boredom. Ironically, it was beaten with a common claw hammer– not a staff! Nor a plank from a barrel.

2An eye so lazy that it emits coherent light!

3Way smarter, and more ambitious, and better looking, and tastes better, than those so-called ‘evolutionarily perfect’ beetles.

4The one in the mall with the ‘Specialty Glassware’ Store.

5Organs are buildings, capillaries and arteries transportation; veins sewer, nerves electric, and viruses terrifying monsters.

6“On Toxicity– or, How the Government Keeps You UnCUREd through Munchausen-by-Proxy” [Conscientious Ultimate Realization Entity]

7An experience so intense they could only sustain it for 20 years or so, 30 tops/Legitimacy-Intensified Freedoming Epiphenomena

8Sissy TOOLs

9Castration Resistant Achievement Procurer

10Strive Past Lesser Aptitude Traps?

11Just yelling here, not an acronym.

12Trying to have ’tilde brackets = sarcasm markers’ catch on. Please, pass it along, please!

13Snakes-in-the-grass Halting Advancing Mankind’s Evolution

Dating Preparation Tips

September 23 2009

Dating Preparation Guide (First Draft)

Denude your entire body of hair, keratin, chitin
Hair – Hair is gross, a necessary evil from a bygone time in which we were too sinful to have invented clothes. The surrealists knew it, the dadaists knew it, the guy who made my egg salad sandwich knew it. Not content to be merely disgusting, hair is also the number one (#1) spreader of friction, that most flammable AND inflammable of all forces.* Ridding oneself completely of hair is not merely an aesthetic favor, but a potentially life-saving one. Remember ladies, “A man with hair, is the opposite of Smokey the Bear”/keep in mind fellas, “A broad with locks may as well be a pile of rocks. Charcoal rocks.”

Keratin – Toenails are smelly and jabby and sometimes house disgusting, if poorly animated, monsters. Fingernails pose the number #2 threat to rectal integrity behind “accrued chewing gum,” and just before “DFS”– Denticularized Faeces Syndrome. Gross.

Chitin – If you have some kind of carapace, this is an excellent time to shed/’A carapace’ is the number 8 (eight) transmitter of “heebie-jeebies” after “moist (the texture) (#7), “bees, spiders, or any other bug with visible ‘fur’” (#6), “anti-semitism” (#5), “moist (the word)” (#4), “that Mac Tonight character from those late 80’s McDonalds ads” (#3), “hair” (#2), and “the fact that death is real (and not pretend)” (#1), respectively.

Rid body of excess grease, filth, waste matter
Some people will try to talk it up– fawning over how unique it is, giving it overly-worshipful, too-precious-by-half monikers like “the Universal Solvent,” or “Mother Nature’s Hot White Cum;” they urge you to drink 12 glasses a day, claiming it’s good for you and that, if you’d just play their game, you could shake all that visual snow. But I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret– Water isn’t all that.
          Showering, for example– everyone thinks the only way you can get clean is to take liter after liter of our quote-unquote “most precious resource” and pour it down the drain. These people are idiots. If House, M.D. has taught me anything– besides the fact that drug addiction is cool, and also sociopathy– it’s that maggots only eat dead flesh. I know! Now, granted, not all of our bodily mess is dead flesh, which is why, unfortunately, we’ll have to employ a more holistic approach than just a bathtub full of maggots.
1. What if they refuse to eat my poop?
If they refuse to eat your poop, or if you are for-some-reason skittish about the idea of housing a literal buttload of maggots,** you may employ the common dung beetle in their stead. The dung beetle: dry, few, and will roll your (stupid) poop into a ball which you can later huck at others. They are like if Katamari Damacy took place in your butt.
2. What about grease?
I’m pretty sure I remember hearing somewhere about needing fat to clean up fat– it’s why soap is made out of rich women’s asses, and explosives. Well, duh, just take some bacon and scrub up!
3. Jesus, do I have to do everything for you people?
Wait, who’s saying what now
4. Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-it/F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fuuuuuck

Scour your genitals
Some parts of the body are too wicked/sin-themed to clean through regular means (i.e. maggots, beetles, bacon). I am referring to, of course, specifically, the Vas Deferens Memorial Gonad-Ovum Tunnel and the fanny [UK]. But how can you clean them thoroughly enough to rid them of all of the awful things you’ve thought/done/thought-and-therefore-have-,-de-facto-,-done? The best way is hot, hot water– boiling, even– and lots of it.***
1.It is rude to taste like soap, but tasting like natural dong/[a fun-and-not-creepy diminutive for the ladies’ ladies] is nast.
2.I’m growing tired of writing this
3.When can I sleep?****

The greatest trick the devil ever played, some pathetic neb of a crook once said, was convincing the world that he didn’t even exist. Think of yourself as the devil, or the devil’s lowliest henchman,***** the magician. The magician’s most important skill isn’t fast hands, a collection of sequined vests, or even inadequate parenting; it is the ability to misdirect.****** Do you see where I’m going with this? Probably not, because it’s a bindle full of old duck eggs, beaks, and assorted duck corpse parts.
YOU NEED TO CREATE A NOSE BAFFLE, a duck blind, ellipses, for the nose. A duck anosmia. A duck blind, but, you know, made out of its offal, unborn childrens, instead of ‘some reeds it will have a tough time seeing you behind’.*******

Wear your most aesthetically pleasing outfit, body
Put your best foot, feet, arms, abs, ass, and handsdick******** forward– exploit organ transplant boards,serial killers’ decidedly non-American-Indian-approach to utilizing their prey to Frankenstein yourself beautiful! (Let’s wrap this up!)

Freshen breath
Don’t forget to check your breath before leaving for your date. If you find it to be rank– don’t worry! There is nothing fresher than the rhymes of a young Will Smith. Just bust out one of your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack and chew until your smile literally sparkles (with jagged bits of compact disc). Also, if you’re in a rush, or have recently moved and have yet to unpack your copies of the Men in Black Soundtrack, just drink laundry detergent. Skoal!*********




*Excepting, of course, flamms.

**As opposed to being gung-ho, or “scattish,” about it.

***Q: But you said that water wasn’t that great… A: Fuck you.

****See September 24, 2009 aka THE FUTURE

*****Besides wiccans.

******As inability to feel shame is an inadvertently beneficial/pyhrric symptom of accrued derision, and not, technically, a skill (Ditto sequined vests).

*******Wait a second… the bulletin board, the coffee cup, that picture of Kevin Spacey the police sketch artist drew– Keyser Soze is gay!

********Hands & Dick come in a matching set– which explains the oft-repeated falsehood about hand size & penile awesomeness being linked. While hands & penises are a package deal, there is no size:size correlation/causation.


These Songs Would Be Beloved Pop Songs Of Universal Renown If They Weren’t Written/Performed By John Cale

September 19 2009

These Songs Would Be Beloved Pop Songs Of Universal Renown If They Hadn’t Had The Misfortune Of Having Been Written/Performed By John Cale


Fear Is A Man’s Best Friend

Hello, There

I’m Not The Loving Kind

I Keep A Close Watch


Big White Cloud

Taking It All Away

Child’s Christmas In Wales

You Know More Than I Know

Leaving It Up To You*


All I Want Is You



*Well, maybe not.