Posts Tagged ‘Metachat’

17ish Hour Party People

March 9 2010

Not as good as the last one/Things That I’ve Said On The Internet (September-October 2008)

Some_One: why are you not at work?

me: Because I am a champion

What’d you call about yesterday

Some_One: ear wax

7:37 AM

me: For or against?

7:47 AM

Why are you up so early?

Is today a lovely beach day?

Someone: a lovely beach day?

me: My basement apartment’s windows are mostly decorative, so I can’t tell if it is nice out

You love the beach

7:48 AM

Someone: oh, well it is

me: That is the one thing about you

Someo: oh, sad. i guess we missed our chance to go to a storm game

me: 😦

Someo: 😥

me: :*

10:12 AM

Is my favorite

Are you trying out?

Are you going to compete in the Ultimate Flirting Championship?

Someone: they are currently holding an ultimate flirting champtionsjip

aaahgh!!

11:33 AM

you type faster than me. i am handicapped by all the cheesepowder on my fingers

me: You are handicapped by Gluttony

You are getting off light because that is a DEADLY sing

sin

Someone: i hate this website

me: Is astronaut ice cream any good?

Someone: whats the word..uh..tolerance

yes

delicious

12:16 PM

me: Do you have any?

me: Someone my lower back hurts

My lower back hurts from walking around too much

1:11 PM

Someone: its not because of your menses

are you sure

maybe walk it off

as women are sometimes told to do

1:12 PM

me: I should probably drain my menses

You are right, as always

And also Florida a couple times

Someone: did you ever go “abroad” so to speak?

1:22 PM

me: Only if a day and a half in Montreal counts as abroad

Someone: also, if you drench it in ranch, is it still a salad?

me: No

1:23 PM

It it ranch soup with lettuce

1:46 PM

me: You love laying down

lying down?

I hate English

That’s not true

Someone. That’s not true

You wish your bed was a Wall-E brand People Scooter

1:48 PM

You wish we were all ALSing in floating beds and had computer screens for faces

Like ph/fat Stephen Hawkingses

1:49 PM

Ph/fat Ph/floating Steph/fen(?) Hawkingses

That’s the name of your band

That’s the name of your Air America Talk Show

1:51 PM

Someone: air america

1:52 PM

me: You will never truly be able to love anyone because there will always be a hole in your heart that only Al Franken can fill.

1:53 PM

(And so) your devotion will never be total.

If Al Franken were to trot past on an Alabaster Steed

And carry you away from this place.

1:54 PM

His horrible curled hair and gross face doing sex all over you genitals.

Someone.

That is so gross.

1:56 PM

Someone would you vote for Al Franken?

Someone: i don’t know al frankens positions on anything

1:58 PM

me: What if Al Franken let you touched his glistening, droopy pectorals.

2:00 PM

Dripping into the air pocket of his Brooks Brothers shirt, created by the relative distension of his no doubt ponderous gut (compared to his ‘nothing to write home about chest)

2:01 PM

Dangling, superfluously benippled, to the extent a man’s breast can droop

2:02 PM

I feel like another alliterative synonym would have clinched that sentence. But, in my ignorance, I had to recycle droop and the rest isn’t history

2:05 PM

Someone: droop is a gross work

2:06 PM

me: And Al Franken’s chest should only be described with the most loving and complimentary prose

Point taken

Someone, I’m watching a documentary about Professional Wrestling

2:14 PM

Someone: why jim

why

me: Because I am trying to break your heart.

me: Someo, I just ate an entire Pizza, now what should I eat?

Someo: a pie!

2:34 PM

me: What kind of pie?

Someo: grape

me: That doesn’t sound real

Someo: melon

me: You are making up pies.

Someone: what can i say, i’m high maintenance.

homemade pizza sounds adorable.

me: Just like a copy/fax machine

Someone: in place, some and one and i made the pizza every friday night

me: I hope you just misspelled abominable

Someone: and people from all different coops would come to eat it

me: Because it is The Worst

Ugh

3:11 PM

Someone: oh, community

me: Co-op People and The Low Pizza Standards

Would by name for a fake band if I was pretending I was in college.

True dat

I already knew dat

3:13 PM

though

It hurts, Someone

Someone: it does

me: It hurts to stick your fingertip in your belly button and press

Only a damn fool would keep on going

You love pranks

3:51 PM

They’re your favorite form of phone calls

me: Runners breathe easy with new SupOxytories

All the oxygen you need, right up the bunghole

5:20 PM

Barack Obama is currently being not well served by the freaking out of Democrats, who it turns out are the world’s Red Sox fans

ie The Worst

5:21 PM

5:28 PM

We should sneak things into the movie

to make it better

Maybe fried chicken, or drugs

Emone: fried chicken!

drugs!

me: She is pretty much an Achewood strip

5:39 PM

A list of ridiculous ideas and terrible things, continuously one-upping itself with how ornately ridiculous they can be

Someone: somes sister in law works at red robin

me: Is she hot

Someone: im trying to think of all the things she said she can eat from there

why do you ask

me: Because that’s the way I roll

5:48 PM

Someone: i dont think the two of you would get along at all

me: Is it because she is too hot?

5:49 PM

Someone: yes. you hate hot girls.

me: And you think I will be resentful?

5:50 PM

Someone: you hate them so much

6:00 PM

me: It is the 21st annual “D–g Dash”

I refuse to type those two letters because I find them gross

You should have Pizza Pie

Someone: hm

perhaps i should

i haven’t had pizza in a while

6:16 PM

me: You love pizza

6:17 PM

That is one thing I’ve decided to know about you

6:22 PM

Someone: its so accurate

6:28 PM

Someone: bah

me: You’ve decided to go with lamb?

Pizza cheese should not be in acrid clumps

6:46 PM

Sone: is your life more interesting than mine?

me: I seriously doubt it.

6:48 PM

me: I am ‘watching’ a graph version of baseball happen while eating a pumpkin cookie in my pajamas at 7:48 at night.

In an apartment so empty my voice echoes on the rare occasions I use it.

6:49 PM

(Mostly to swear at my computer for shutting off because the plug popped out).

Sone: I’ve started watching Word Girl on PBS at 7am to try to convince myself that I have a life and interests outside of work.

6:50 PM

I don’t really get PBS so I watch it in black and white fuzz and fuss with the tv until the sound comes on.

me: What is Word Girl?

6:51 PM

Sone: It’s a children’s show about a girl who uses her vocabulary to stop local villains.

me: What kind of villains? Are they scary villains?

Sone: One is a butcher

One is a little kid who can build terrifying robots.

me: Meat is expensive, Sone

Sone: No.

In the last episode he was somehow forging art.

7:02 PM

me: Sone, they left Justin Masterson in instead of bringing in Jonathan Paplebon and now the game is tied.

I told them not to do it, Sone.

I told them!

Sone: You are referring to real baseball and not the graph now?

me: The real baseball is happening on the graph.

7:03 PM

Sone: Oh. My understanding of graphs is severely limited then.

8:39 PM

me: I just watched an episode of Cheers

Add that to the list

8:44 PM

me: You love senioritas

8:45 PM

Someone: i do

i love them

me: Your favorite ladies are the kind with shoulderless puffy shirts and floor length skirts and delicious mexifries

8:51 PM

me: You are giving Trader Joes a lot of benefits of a lot of doubts

8:58 PM

Someone: oh no

im so sad

quentin got shot

i wanted him to live

8:59 PM

me: Carlos Quentin? He only broke his wrist is all

Someone: you better order right now

me: Plus the White Sox are probably going to get drummed out by the Red Sox, and while his bat would certainly help CHicago, I can’t imagine it making that ig a difference

Someone: time is running out, jim

me: that big

9:00 PM

that big a difference

I don’t htink I’m going to get anything

Someone: you better order soon

oh, poor quentin

he just went to the gas station

and he saw a body in the back room and realized it was in the middle of being robbed

and the guy shot him

9:01 PM

what would you even do in that situation

like, what could you do

do you run?

do you just stay quiet and stare

me: Again, with Youk back, and Beckett looking good, even without JD Drew I think the White Sox won’t be much of a problem

9:31 PM

Maybe if you tug at the sides of your eyes

and pulsate them back and forth

the spotty blur will make half of the people look sort of like catherine deneuve

And then you’ll be golden

Someo: oo. i like her

but she’s not on grey’s anatomy..

9:35 PM

me: As far as I’m concerned, Gray’s Anatomy is like Catherine Deneuve’s Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor

And she is playing every single white woman

And also Patrick Dempsey

And also the Hospital

9:37 PM

Someo: what?

i’m not following at all

Someo: And also the Medical Instruments

9:41 PM

me: Hm.

Maybe there is candy inside of the couch cushions

DIg around in their

With your lusty paws

Someo: i just ate my last piece of easter candy

me: there

9:49 PM

me: Do you and Some role play Patricia Richardson and Tim Allen

and

9:50 PM

Someone: it helps that the video quality is so poor

we never have, but its an idea

me: do you call it Tool Time when you (obviously) do?

Someone: this is 8 minutes long

9:51 PM

why are there all these clips of “patricia richardson in nylons”

does she have some following i was unaware of

me: This is not 8 minutes long

Someone: it is! 8:12

me: for some reason there is four minutes of a black screen

9:52 PM

with a piece of a bone thugz & harmony song(?) playing over it

They beat the Yankees

Good for them

10:01 PM

While the Yankees upstate compatriots wiped the floor with the Seahawks

So those are the Sports Highlights for today

10:14 PM

me: http://wonkette.com/402815/ralph-nader-talks-sadly-to-bird-contemplates-wearing-bear-suit

But this is real

(yikes)

Things that I’ve Said on The Internet

October 31 2009

HOLIDAYS: Some Stupid Things that I’ve Said on the Internet Taken Out of Context and Then Replaced in Fake Chronological Order (July and August 2008 Edition) :BREAK

 
me: They were all Robot Stiff and there hands weren’t fumbling around spinning themselves like they had just reached second base for the first time
It was like they were made out of gyroscopes
10:02 AM Which in the best case scenario will cause your poops to come out like tight macaroni spirals
But it is rarely the best scenario
11:43 AM me: Do you ever pretend you are Faruzia Balk?
12:00 PM me: Don’t buy greek yogurt
Greeks love asses
That is why all their food tastes like asses
Someone_Else: i know! i wasn’t thinking about that
because i thought TJ would never carry as ass product
me: A Stuffed Grape Leaf is basically a Food Supository
3:11 PM me: Important News!
3:12 PM Diablo III was officially announced!
A Gif That Is A Siren Or A Series Of Sirens
3:58 PM me: Don’t forget about Pooping
Someone_Else: i wont
how could i forget?
it’s one of my favorite things
6:43 PM me: Is it all offers of toe-licking and McDonaldland Cosplay?
Someone_Else: i wish
6:46 PM me: Offers of McDonalds-licking and Toe Cosplay?
me: Dear Fresca,
6:50 PM I love your delicious Soda Beverage. But as a Creepy Weirdo, America’s third fastest growing demographic behind Emos and The Poor, I also LOVE touching underpants.
Please put me on Television and also give me fourteen thousand dolalrs.
Love, Jim
me: Some jerk off in Abu Dhabi can defend his Exploitopolis with Murderbots, and I can’t even fuck a Mechanical Cat without having to dick around with knives and watch gears and a series of suspicious kennels
me: I think the trick to running is mostly self-hate or at least an incredible emptiness
6:56 PM Take an hour or two ago, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack, so in a desperate attempt to outrun it I threw on my running clothes and ran 4 miles instead
7:25 PM me: I want to make a shitty independent comedy about a young twentysomething who learns how to interact with the world though adult learning French classes, and the delightful bdsm relationship they share with their teacher
It will be called Command Form
also: from listless malaise–>structured meaning
I’m not sure
Topher Grace left
before the last season
7:26 PM and then they replaced him with the character’s cousin I think?
7:35 PM me: You always see Hitler
You can’t not see that guy
7:41 PM me: ButtNoise Robot?
7:44 PM me: I would say so
It doesn’t stop talking
Ever
“Pfft blap ggguuurrrrpp, bfffffp”
All day
All night
7:55 PM me: Also, that if I had to do sex on Tila Tequila I would hit people too
I hesitate to call you a solid
With all your flip flops and spineless quavering
8:47 PM On the Issues
me: There ain’t nothing in Montana but snakes and chicken bakes
And you don’t got scale
s
8:54 PM me: I’ve got chicken feet
In my eyes
Both as a play on crow’s feet and as in literal chicken feet popping out my urethrea
I mean, irises
Someone: Jim
are you standing up to cancer
8:57 PM are you in your apartment?
me: I am sitting down to Crohn’s Disease
It is the least appetizing meal we’ve ever shared as a family
me: <Someone> your body is a bicycle
Always Keep The Pedals Turning
9:05 PM little played John Mayer Bside
9:21 PM me: A muffin that is a regular muffin (except it is FILLED with pubic hair)
Haha– secret trap, jerkwads
9:22 PM me: I mean, Julia isn’t exactly uplifting but it never makes me want to go shoot Erik Prince in the mouth
me: What book is that?
9:42 PM The Berenstein Bears and Their No Good Whore Of A Mother
9:45 PM me: All of my erotic fantasies about the Watermelon Vagina of a young post-Tadpole Kermit The Frog have finally come true– In Cake Form!!
10:44 PM Do you think that Dark Chocolate could murder Kevin Federline, domestically?
Or do you think Dark Chocolate would back off right when it realized what it had done
And then kill itself rather than face the brunt of the law?
10:53 PM me: My grandma and your grandmother would never be friends.
11:24 PM Notme: oh man. i thought i was over LOLcats…
me: But then one proposed to you
You can haz ring?
me: Shh
We’re uncomfortable, now