Not as good as the last one/Things That I’ve Said On The Internet (September-October 2008)
Some_One: why are you not at work?
me: Because I am a champion
What’d you call about yesterday
Some_One: ear wax
me: For or against?
Why are you up so early?
Is today a lovely beach day?
Someone: a lovely beach day?
me: My basement apartment’s windows are mostly decorative, so I can’t tell if it is nice out
You love the beach
Someone: oh, well it is
me: That is the one thing about you
Someo: oh, sad. i guess we missed our chance to go to a storm game
Is my favorite
Are you trying out?
Are you going to compete in the Ultimate Flirting Championship?
Someone: they are currently holding an ultimate flirting champtionsjip
you type faster than me. i am handicapped by all the cheesepowder on my fingers
me: You are handicapped by Gluttony
You are getting off light because that is a DEADLY sing
Someone: i hate this website
me: Is astronaut ice cream any good?
Someone: whats the word..uh..tolerance
me: Do you have any?
me: Someone my lower back hurts
My lower back hurts from walking around too much
Someone: its not because of your menses
are you sure
maybe walk it off
as women are sometimes told to do
me: I should probably drain my menses
You are right, as always
And also Florida a couple times
Someone: did you ever go “abroad” so to speak?
me: Only if a day and a half in Montreal counts as abroad
Someone: also, if you drench it in ranch, is it still a salad?
It it ranch soup with lettuce
me: You love laying down
I hate English
That’s not true
Someone. That’s not true
You wish your bed was a Wall-E brand People Scooter
You wish we were all ALSing in floating beds and had computer screens for faces
Like ph/fat Stephen Hawkingses
Ph/fat Ph/floating Steph/fen(?) Hawkingses
That’s the name of your band
That’s the name of your Air America Talk Show
Someone: air america
me: You will never truly be able to love anyone because there will always be a hole in your heart that only Al Franken can fill.
(And so) your devotion will never be total.
If Al Franken were to trot past on an Alabaster Steed
And carry you away from this place.
His horrible curled hair and gross face doing sex all over you genitals.
That is so gross.
Someone would you vote for Al Franken?
Someone: i don’t know al frankens positions on anything
me: What if Al Franken let you touched his glistening, droopy pectorals.
Dripping into the air pocket of his Brooks Brothers shirt, created by the relative distension of his no doubt ponderous gut (compared to his ‘nothing to write home about chest)
Dangling, superfluously benippled, to the extent a man’s breast can droop
I feel like another alliterative synonym would have clinched that sentence. But, in my ignorance, I had to recycle droop and the rest isn’t history
Someone: droop is a gross work
me: And Al Franken’s chest should only be described with the most loving and complimentary prose
Someone, I’m watching a documentary about Professional Wrestling
Someone: why jim
me: Because I am trying to break your heart.
me: Someo, I just ate an entire Pizza, now what should I eat?
Someo: a pie!
me: What kind of pie?
me: That doesn’t sound real
me: You are making up pies.
Someone: what can i say, i’m high maintenance.
homemade pizza sounds adorable.
me: Just like a copy/fax machine
Someone: in place, some and one and i made the pizza every friday night
me: I hope you just misspelled abominable
Someone: and people from all different coops would come to eat it
me: Because it is The Worst
Someone: oh, community
me: Co-op People and The Low Pizza Standards
Would by name for a fake band if I was pretending I was in college.
I already knew dat
It hurts, Someone
Someone: it does
me: It hurts to stick your fingertip in your belly button and press
Only a damn fool would keep on going
You love pranks
They’re your favorite form of phone calls
me: Runners breathe easy with new SupOxytories
All the oxygen you need, right up the bunghole
Barack Obama is currently being not well served by the freaking out of Democrats, who it turns out are the world’s Red Sox fans
ie The Worst
We should sneak things into the movie
to make it better
Maybe fried chicken, or drugs
Emone: fried chicken!
me: She is pretty much an Achewood strip
A list of ridiculous ideas and terrible things, continuously one-upping itself with how ornately ridiculous they can be
Someone: somes sister in law works at red robin
me: Is she hot
Someone: im trying to think of all the things she said she can eat from there
why do you ask
me: Because that’s the way I roll
Someone: i dont think the two of you would get along at all
me: Is it because she is too hot?
Someone: yes. you hate hot girls.
me: And you think I will be resentful?
Someone: you hate them so much
me: It is the 21st annual “D–g Dash”
I refuse to type those two letters because I find them gross
You should have Pizza Pie
perhaps i should
i haven’t had pizza in a while
me: You love pizza
That is one thing I’ve decided to know about you
Someone: its so accurate
me: You’ve decided to go with lamb?
Pizza cheese should not be in acrid clumps
Sone: is your life more interesting than mine?
me: I seriously doubt it.
me: I am ‘watching’ a graph version of baseball happen while eating a pumpkin cookie in my pajamas at 7:48 at night.
In an apartment so empty my voice echoes on the rare occasions I use it.
(Mostly to swear at my computer for shutting off because the plug popped out).
Sone: I’ve started watching Word Girl on PBS at 7am to try to convince myself that I have a life and interests outside of work.
I don’t really get PBS so I watch it in black and white fuzz and fuss with the tv until the sound comes on.
me: What is Word Girl?
Sone: It’s a children’s show about a girl who uses her vocabulary to stop local villains.
me: What kind of villains? Are they scary villains?
Sone: One is a butcher
One is a little kid who can build terrifying robots.
me: Meat is expensive, Sone
In the last episode he was somehow forging art.
me: Sone, they left Justin Masterson in instead of bringing in Jonathan Paplebon and now the game is tied.
I told them not to do it, Sone.
I told them!
Sone: You are referring to real baseball and not the graph now?
me: The real baseball is happening on the graph.
Sone: Oh. My understanding of graphs is severely limited then.
me: I just watched an episode of Cheers
Add that to the list
me: You love senioritas
Someone: i do
i love them
me: Your favorite ladies are the kind with shoulderless puffy shirts and floor length skirts and delicious mexifries
me: You are giving Trader Joes a lot of benefits of a lot of doubts
Someone: oh no
im so sad
quentin got shot
i wanted him to live
me: Carlos Quentin? He only broke his wrist is all
Someone: you better order right now
me: Plus the White Sox are probably going to get drummed out by the Red Sox, and while his bat would certainly help CHicago, I can’t imagine it making that ig a difference
Someone: time is running out, jim
me: that big
that big a difference
I don’t htink I’m going to get anything
Someone: you better order soon
oh, poor quentin
he just went to the gas station
and he saw a body in the back room and realized it was in the middle of being robbed
and the guy shot him
what would you even do in that situation
like, what could you do
do you run?
do you just stay quiet and stare
me: Again, with Youk back, and Beckett looking good, even without JD Drew I think the White Sox won’t be much of a problem
Maybe if you tug at the sides of your eyes
and pulsate them back and forth
the spotty blur will make half of the people look sort of like catherine deneuve
And then you’ll be golden
Someo: oo. i like her
but she’s not on grey’s anatomy..
me: As far as I’m concerned, Gray’s Anatomy is like Catherine Deneuve’s Eddie Murphy’s The Nutty Professor
And she is playing every single white woman
And also Patrick Dempsey
And also the Hospital
i’m not following at all
Someo: And also the Medical Instruments
Maybe there is candy inside of the couch cushions
DIg around in their
With your lusty paws
Someo: i just ate my last piece of easter candy
me: Do you and Some role play Patricia Richardson and Tim Allen
Someone: it helps that the video quality is so poor
we never have, but its an idea
me: do you call it Tool Time when you (obviously) do?
Someone: this is 8 minutes long
why are there all these clips of “patricia richardson in nylons”
does she have some following i was unaware of
me: This is not 8 minutes long
Someone: it is! 8:12
me: for some reason there is four minutes of a black screen
with a piece of a bone thugz & harmony song(?) playing over it
They beat the Yankees
Good for them
While the Yankees upstate compatriots wiped the floor with the Seahawks
So those are the Sports Highlights for today
But this is real