Posts Tagged ‘mouths-on’

#545 & #368

August 23 2011

A. I want to touch you every single place
B. Yeah?
A. Yeah.
B. Well what’s the hold up
A. I’m stuck behind bars
B. Oh, right.
A. In the big House. Can’t get out.
B. This must be a lonely time for you.
A. Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.
B. How so?
A. Cellmates.
B. Oh right.
A. It turns out prison, is not the best place to hold an awesome manners contest.
B. I hope they’re not mistreating you.
A. Well. It could be worse.
B. That’s a relief.
A. Is it?
B. That was code for you haven’t been raped, right?
A. Yeah.
B. That’s a relief, then.
A. Yeah
B. What? This was your own dumb idea
A. Yeah…
B. We don’t have to keep doing this, you know. It is still a free country.
A. It is?
B. Yeah! Totally. Well… sort of.
A. Mm. Like the sound of that. What’s it like on the outside?
B. Of prison? Or, of the solar system?
A. No we did stranded astronaut last time.
B. In space no one can destroy your butthole in the shower.
A. In space there is also no exit strategy.
B. Wha? I found an extra space rocket. And went to space in it. So you could touch on me.
A. I do like touching on you.
B. Spoilers!
A. Do you think I would like you better if you had spoilers?
B. Like, secrets?
A. No. Like a tail fan.
B. I… can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic.
A. I am being sincere.
B. Really.
A. Yeah. I just want to know if you think that I think that.
B. Oh.
A. I’m not saying I want to get on a Ferrari.
B. I don’t really know how I would have a spoiler. Or why.
A. Well if it’s any consolation I’m pretty sure no one knows why they have a spoiler.
B. Is it a wind resistance thing?
A. Probably not. And you could have one just natural. You were born with it.
B. Wait. So is it some kind of skin and bone spoiler?
A. No. It’s metal.
B. So in this scenario I killed my mom coming out of the womb. Or at least , ugh. Nope. Can’t think about it.
A. No. She’s fine. It grows with you. Somehow.
B. Huh.
A. I don’t think I would want you to have one permanently but it would be cool for a little while.
B. Huh
A. Is the answer.
B. What exactly about my spoiler would do it for you?
A. Touching on it, for one.
B. It’s metal, tho
A. I touch metal. I’ve touched hay. I’ve touched fire. I’ll touch any stupid thing.
B. No. I mean. Where’s the pleasure in that. Skin’s soft and has that fleshiness to it. It provokes a response– a series of responses even.
A. Oh, the metal is connected to you on the inside also. So it also — you feel it.
B. It has nerve endings?
A. I don’t know about that per se, but it responds the same. Or similar.
B. And it’s metal.
A. Instead of skin, yes.
B. Is this just a boredom thing?
A. I ain’t bored with you yet. Don’t bother.
B. Ain’t bothering. I mean, is it more, a variety thing. What would metal be like.
A. Hm. It is, partly. But…
B. But?
A. Well, if it was just a variety thing I think it would’ve made more sense to imagine you a robot or android or even just a cyborg of some kind.
B. So that the metal was entirely my skin?
A. Yeah. I mean, now that I say that, that is definitely an interest. Probably moreso than a spoiler, but…
B. But.
A. There’s something about it as an object. Off of you but also a part. Like a fat tail.
B. A fat metal tail.
A. I could hold onto it like handlebars while getting mouths-on witchoo.
B. Witch me.
A. That could be good, too.
B. One at a time.
A. Some kind of robo-witch…
B. ##I Have Made >>FILTHY METAL CONGRESS<< With The Cyber-Beast##
A. ~ONE~ZERO~ONE~ZERO~ZERO~ONE~ONE~ZERO~ONE~ZERO~
B. Whus that?
A. It’s 666 in binary.
B. Oh. Cool.
A. Is it?
B. You know it’s actually 616.
A. No… I’m pretty sure that was 666.
B. No, I mean. The number of the beast.
A. Did they change it?
B. Sort of. Apparently it had been mistranslated all along, and it was supposed to be 616.
A. Huh.
B. I want to say it was supposed to be a reference to some kind of pope or anti-pope or maybe a Roman leader of some kind. Maybe Caligula? No wait, Nero.
A. This is really bumming me out.
B. Yeah. Three sixes is way cooler.
A. I’m actually a little sad now.
B. Aw. I mean, I could be misremembering this.
A. No, that sounds familiar.
B. Also, I mean. Folks also corrected the zodiac, finally, but I’m pretty sure everyone still uses their old signs.
A. They did what? Ah, c’mon!
B. That’s the advantage of believing in nonsense, though! Who cares if it’s right! You gotta demote Pluto but you can still be a May-birthday Gemini.
A. Man, I. I have to take a second to adjust to living in a 616 world.
B. Here. Rest your head on my spoiler.
A. Really?
B. It’s nice and cool and metal. Freshly waxed, hot yellow just for you.





A. Would you turn safe search off for me?
B. How do you mean?
A. If you were google searching my image, and you saw me. Would you want to see more?
B. Yes. Absolutely.
A. Ok, but, I mean, would you intentionally search me for the purpose?
B. Of seeing you nude?
A. Of seeing me filthy.
B. Ew.
A. Of seeing me nude, yes. Would you click that image tab knowing that you were going to turn moderate to unsafe.
B. Well, I always have safe search off. But yes. I would look for you that way.
A. Wait. How do you do that?
B. Turn safe search off?
A. Yeah.
B. Turn safe search, off.
A. But I do that! A lot! And it always just turns back to moderate after I close my browser.
B. Do you have cookies on?
A. No.
B. Well that’s why.
A. Huh.
B. If you want to automatically get every available gentleness you are going to need to let everyone on the internet always know where you’re at.
A. Really?
B. Well, even more so than you already do just from using it.
A. Sad.
B. Them’s the …
A. Tough cookies
B. Dah! Yes. It’s how they crumble.
A. Wait. Is tough cookies a phrase? Or is that just what a person is?
B. No, I’m pretty sure it’s a phrase.
A. So you want to see me naked.
B. Yes. A lot. Often.
A. Well if that’s not an invitation I don’t know what is.
B. Consider yourself R.S.V.P.’d
A. Recreationally Sexed Very Persuasively. ‘d?
B. Railme Si’l Vous Plait
A. Ah… Oui
—————– later —————–
B. Have you ever turned safe search off for me?
A. Do you have n00dz?
B. Ugh. No.
A. You seem very disgusted by that for someone who is currently quite n00d.
B. Don’t say it that way. Come on.
A. Sorry, d00d.
B. Geh. …have you, though?
A. I guess not, no.
B. Is it because you just assumed I didn’t have any hot(t) pix(x)?
A. Well I’m not sure why you get to say that and I don’t get to say n00ds, but yeah, more or less. It never occurred to me.
B. I don’t.
A. I figured.
B. Well, not online.
A. Mm. Really?
B. Yeah. I hope.
A. What are we talking about? Grainy sexts? Skeezy polaroids? Flash-in-the-mirror selfpix? Game Boy Camera fuckgif?
B. Actually, sort of all of the above.
A. Even–
B. Except the Game Camera Fuck Tape.
A. Game Boy Camera. Fuck Gif.
B. Yes. No.
A. Aw man, imagine if though.
B. Yes, it’s certainly the What If to end all What Ifs– are we really talking about Nintendos instead of my hot naked body and its ubiquity amongst pervy strangers?
A. Sorry. I’ll drop the nerd act and put on my possessiveness pants and jealousy… jodhpurs.
B. That’s two pairs of pants honey.
A. Yeah. In case I get a hole in one.
B. Asshole.
A. *bad joke dance*
B. Ugh. Moderate safe search back on *grabs pants, drapes over A’s it*
A. Aw. C’mon. And I hate to break it to you but you are definitely naked on the internet.
B. You said you never looked!
A. I mean, I haven’t actually seen you. Also, I’m not sure what kind of celebrity you take yourself for, but knowing your name wouldn’t exactly help.
B. Then how do you know I’m naked online?
A. I mean, I assume you sent these pics to other people and you weren’t just sexting yourself for creepy sadness purposes.
B. Well, yeah.
A. Well, there you go.
B. But they said they wouldn’t post them.
A. Ha. Ok.
B. What? You don’t know.
A. Sure, and I’m sure you’re also Still Being Friends.
B. More or less.
A. Wait, really? You’re actually still friends with your Pix Pal?
B. I’m still friends with all my Pix Pals.
A. Oh.
B. Oh, wow. What an ‘Oh’!
A. What?
B. What– c’mon. You were all excited about my Game Gear Blowjob Vids and now you look like you’ve seen a ghost. A bunch of ghosts. That I fucked. Also and Instead of you.
A. Game Boy, but that’s not it. I was just thinking that I guess that does actually decrease the chances that you’ll show up online.
B. Well I was just thinking that it’s a good thing you wore both of those pairs of pants.
A. Yeah. Well. Maybe. I guess.
B. Aw.
A. Whut.
B. Awww.
A. I don’t need your awe.
B. AwrrrrrrRRRR-ruff. Roo rroo.
A. Just your reverence and unquestioning, slavish devotion will suffice.
B. I am your dog at love.
A. And I your … bestiality enthusiast.
B. : /
A. You sort of painted me into a corner.
B. A creepy fuck corner.
A. The best kind of corner.
B. Rrrrrrrff RRrrr-rooof
A. Yeah. You get in that corner.
B. *Pants*
A. *Depants*

New Dumb Divisions

August 20 2011

If we want to stay in power, if we want to keep 24-38% of the nation’s wealth amongst us 1%, we’ve gotta start creating NEW dumb divisions…


Spits v. Swallows
           If we’re going to stay in with the youth crowd, but also far enough back so as to seem hopelessly out of date and therefore ineffectual, we’re going to have to finally start getting more hands-on sexually. Or should I say mouths-on?1
           The latest research from our youth culture division shows that Average Teen ’98 is highly invested in sucking dicks. They just can’t get enough. Not only receiving, but giving. Giving!
           Now, riding the success of the circumcised vs. hooded split, I can’t overstate how sensitive and responsive an area the dick is. If we can work this tip we’ll be able to lick , wait a second. Who wrote this copy?? Allen? ALLEN!2


Asleep v. Awake
           You know what’s really dragging this economy down, it’s all those do-nothing asleeps. “I cyan’t wyrork. I nyeed to tyemporyarily syusspyend cyonciousnyess and nyon-yautonyomic byodyily fyunction yn yorder tyo myaintyain pryoper yopyreration yof myy myental fyacultyies.” Lazy zzzgers.
           Advantages: they should be easy to demonize as they literally do nothing. Productivity drops between 100-100.002% (undoing the labor of a well-made bed, eating 3-6 of our most industrious spiders a year, re-urinating our carfeully de-urinated sheets)3 when you sleep. Play in to race/class sensitivities here by using a real Rosario type in our squandered tucks graphics;4 I could have sworn there was some kind of rags-to-riches spider rapper my kid likes– get him too.
           We’re farming similar territory as to our perennial race-baught harvest here, but with the added benefit of no victim/power gap to exploit. In this scenario, we are the ones taking on Big Shuteye. No Goliath need be manufactured, or David bullshat.5
           If the fact that every single person on earth is guilty of being a filthy dozebeast gives you pause as to what leverage we’ll be able to generate with this tact, please recall our past, current and future successes re: abstinence, pornography, gayness, really all human sexuality. As always, people will be lining up to cast stones at the mirror and have them hit somebody else.6
           Furthermore, the latest from our anecdotal department has found that at least 1 in 7 of them are just doing that to get out of sex you’re pretty sure well I’ll show them I’ll come on too strong to the new temp and get fired and then whose bed will you be ‘asleep’ in? A. Not Mine!7


Ultrapoor vs. Megarich
           I know, I know. Poor vs. Rich is exactly what we’re trying to avoid, and we’re even less partial to the numbers on Increasingly Poor vs. Increasingly Rich. But we can’t just sleight of hand all conflict to manufactured wedge issues and powerless scapegoats.9 By moving the battlefield to the furthest extremes of wealth inequality we not only proactively redefine terms/set an agenda least likely to succeed in affecting disruptive change, we can actually even the numbers slightly– and tip the power balance nigh-infinitely– in our favor. It’s not the top 1% vs. the bottom 80%, but the top %1 of %1 versus nobody cares to count.
           Advantages: The ultrapoor are not sexy. Your daughter does not want to ride away on the motorcycle with some ultrapoor Romeo/James Dean-type. A) they don’t have motorcycles, that is just the sound of their untreated TB; b) even if they did they have motorcycles they would be too loaded down with bagsful of bags and etable trash that she couldn’t fit (nor would she want to); and, c) they don’t ‘type’ by star but by smell.11
           We are talking about a segment of the population most of whom are too (actually) crazy to have been able to hang by a thread with the regular poor– and the regular poor are crazy enough to support and defend us in everything we ever say or do. Against whom we will offer our most impervious, our most insulated, our most detached from society and our most impossible to understand. Hedge-fund managers, quasi-anonymous capital I ‘Investors’, heirs and heiresses, proximity to computers, (what is a) leveraged buyout… how can you fight something that isn’t anything?
           Bonus: a good and easy dive to take. Ultimately we ‘lose’ and we have to allot some tax-write offs towards (society-wise) palliative medical treatment, shelters, a (genuinely) too sad ad campaign13 and are forced to reap good press and credibility. In the mean time, the ostensible arc of some dumb comedies make this generation’s Christopher McDonald look a cartoon while we build on previous race/class divisions, feat. a multiplying effect so special k that Keynes will be pissing corn flakes in his grave on our crowning achievement: the city/suburb/country triumverate.


Ultrapoor vs. Megashark
           On the other hand… no. NO. Don’t give into temptation. The Coming Full-On Dystopia will be here soon enough and you will be its Leonardo. Its Newton. Its Brian Eno. All of your craziest, most hilarious, ahead of its time work will come true. Patience.




1. No. We shouldn’t. I can’t imagine what that would even mean as a figure of speech. I guess, perhaps, a more talk, less action version of hands-on? Or, to fit our context, the mouth synecdochic for ideas, and the broad manipulation of soft cultural forces in order to affect change (or squash it), as opposed to the more (figuratively) ‘hands-on’ efforts such as legislation, rights-curbs, or fomenting violence or revolution. In retrospect, Yes. We absolutely should start saying mouths-on. Keep it internal while we closed-beta/bug hunt (obviously very VERY vulnerable to cheap innuendo and mockery– but that can be a strength (see: tea-bagging) especially when abstracted enough from our cause/person so as to not be inescapable i.e. Santorum), but Yes.
YES: we are MOUTHS_ON

2. Allen has made some very hard men very — ALLEN!!!!!

3. Technically this produces approximately %0.6 of our annual shame reserves, but it still can’t recoup our loss in arachnophobia-driven house-flight-based commerce. Semper fi, you fearless mouth pioneers.

4. Also: see if we can get that Karen to have sex with me

5. Bullshot? Bullshod. You don’t need to shoe a cow. THE COW SHOES YOU

6. Previous pro-moral campaigns (Snow White, Dorian Gray) by our antagonists over at CIS have gladly failed at shattering the appeal of the magic mirror.

7. Whether this is because of you’ve been left, or can no longer afford to stealth finance your secret in-city cheatin’ condo, hey, that’s one less mouth to seed. Ew.8

8. Between-the-lines super-burn: even your ‘goomar’ has gone sweatpants and facial-(-the-bad-kind-) on your dumb dick.

9. Actually, if past experience is a reliable precursor for future results, we absolutely can. It just gets So Boring. Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to hoard all this wealth and power and status to the maximized exclusion of our fellow man. I mean, you’ve popped one cherry of a future A-list Hollywood starlet10 while jet-skiing in the world’s only man-made/underground sea, you’ve popped them all.
Even Megan Mullally (some day).

10. Darryl Hannah

11.Namely: body-dominant, piss-driven, poop, and $&%^^@12

12. pronounced as uncontrollable weeping

13. Bonuser: try to get nets to play disproportionately during ad breaks on any journotainment that tries to actually try — they will change that channel so fast.