Posts Tagged ‘Munchausen-by-proxy’

Why I Got Fired

January 13 2010

Why My Position Was Rendered No Longer Available, Extant

– Skills Matrix Insufficiently Aligned with Office Productivity Function

– Punctuality Vector Math Joke

– Unauthorized Gustatory Expression of Sybaritic Self-Sufficiency in the Punch at Office Christmas Party

– Discovered Replenishing Quill in the Corporate Tincture

– Promulgated Intra-Office Pugilists’ Partnership, In Distich Delict of its Primary and Ancillary Injunctions

– Frequent, Repeated Articulations Appraising the Relative Merits of Differing Concentrations of Melanin

– Exclamatory, Palpable, and Primarily Torque-based Commemoration of Every Occasion of Turkey Timers

– Showed Up to Work Crapulous

– Pooped in the Coffeepot and now My Position No Longer Exists

– and now My Position No Longer Exists (But Ken Albee’s Does)

– and now My POSITION No Longer Exists; My POSITION Evolved Into POSTANDEON

– and now My Position Never Existed: Or Did It? And Then I See My W2 In The Bus Heading The Opposite Direction And It Nods Once Before Disappearing From My Life Forever

– and now My Position Was Dead The Whole Time, Has Finally Found Peace By Getting Revenge On Its Greatest Foe: Munchausen-by-Proxy

– and now My Position Was Rendered Superfluous, Overflowing (with Redundancy)

– and now My Position Was Rendered ‘Super’: They Observed Me Doing It and It Decohered

– and now My Position Was Rendered; My Severance Upsettingly Tallowcentric

My Knee Is Killing Me

September 21 2009

My Knee Is Killlllling Me!

^ It smokes 6 packs a day, double unfiltered,1 turning my pantsleg into a flaming Chamber of Stinkrets!

 

^ It does whippets like it’s a dystopian future in which, on the rare occasions you must travel to the Outground, the ‘Mild-Moderate Brain Damage Guaranteed’ you by huffing whippets is infinitely preferable to ingesting the actual air.

 

^ It is strategically killing off its own (stupid) muscles in an effort to flood my blood with myoglobin in an attempt to fail my kidneys.

 

^ Is there even muscle(s) in the knee?

 

^ It talked me into seeing Man on Wire and then convinced me that we could do that. And then– when we were on the wire– it buckled!

 

^ It talked me into seeing the short-lived 2007 ABC remake of The Bionic Woman and then convinced me that if I got into a car crash we could become the Bionic Woman. Now I have metal bazooms!

 

^ It talked me into seeing The Ugly Truth— it was SO BAD. Yeesh!.

 

^ It requires/has blackmailed me into feeding it so much opium (just to stop it from hurting me) that I got addicted to opium! And then, when I was trying to get some more opium (to feed my opium addiction), I got shot in the chest! With a gun!

 

^ Because I was stealing their opium!

 

^ It placed orders for suspicious amounts of fertilizer, ammonium nitrate, wait that’s fertilizer, gasoline, some other things probably, and cotton?– suspicious insofar as how small/individually-sized the order was./!

 

^ It has been making footsteps at night, moving paintings and stealing brooches, fucking around with the lights, watch fob is involved, cruelly playing off my Munchausen-by-proxy– which I revealed to it in confidence!.2

 

^ Its ambulatory worthlessness has lead to increased bus travel; increased weight on buses leads to increased use of fuel, greater amount of fuel consumed, and more harmful CO2 emissions released. Already scarce oil reserves deplete 2.9 attoseconds faster, Earth warms 1.6 zeptodegrees hotter; death = still inevitable.

 

^ Take my knee… to the doctor, please!

 

^ It keeps telling me logical paradoxes in a feeble attempt to overwhelm my sophisticated neural network. Puny knee– where does it say that liars lie all the time! Or, if you did stipulate that liars lie all the time, the statement could just be false! The fact that one member of a subset is a liar implies nothing about the rest of the members of that subset!3 You idiot!

 

^ It invented a Perpetual Immobility Machine by being genetically weak and thus causing near-imperceptible over-reliance on the right foot. (It is the left knee). Thus, when the right foot gets injured, and it is forced to carry more than its weight, AND– when combined with a concurrence of events, habits, and lifestyle choices that make it seem as if I ‘Were Trying To Invent Runner’s Knee– Like In A Lab Or Something,’– it sets up an infinitely replenishing cycle of injury, dependent-weakening convalescence, recovery/injury of dependent appendage, over-reliance-upon during opposing appendage’s convalescence, and, finally, reinjury.4

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Filters feed into each other, ouroboros style, covering what one hand could only dream of covering, creating smoke that was never there in defiance of the first Law of Thermodynamics.

2 Alt. “which I revealed to it while drinking!”

3 Or, it would be the opposite of that Ricky Gervais movie– The Invention of Saying the Truth

 

4 It is apparently, actually, trying to save my life by stopping entropy. Its solution? PREDOMINANTLY ICE PACK BASED!