Our Reprehensible Love
❤ We cocooned ourselves in an unzipped sleeping bag and stayed up late remembering SNICK shows!
❤ We photoshopped a calendar of us as the leads in classic movies to give to our friends as Christmas presents!1
❤ We eat all of our dishes, snacks, food that is longer than it is wide or tall ‘Lady and the Tramp‘ style!
❤ While one of us chats with the neighborhood fat kid, the other sneaks up from behind it and ducks down, bends over! WHAMMO! Fatty goes tortoise-style!
❤ We’re constantly telling and re-telling the story of how we met!2
❤ We’re always holding hands!3
❤ We wallpapered our apartment with astrology charts demonstrating just how fortuitous our pairing!; have feng shui’ed all our tats!; did ‘cran mods’ on our skulls with a lathe for optimal phrenological compatibility!
❤ We’ve planned a two month vacation to China to enjoy all the sweet, cheap fruits that fascism has to offer! Exchaaaange Raaaate!
❤ We were caught necking in the front row of a [funeral/PTA meeting/Congressional Budget Office hearing] and were forced to leave by a perturbed [widower/superintendent/Christina Romer]! But we showed [him/?/her]– we [followed the hearses and, later, after everyone left, fucked on the grave/paid a P.I. to take compromising photos and then gave them to the town’s ambitious comptroller/went back in time and replaced her dad’s sperm with that of comedy legend Jonathan Winters, and her mom’s egg with that of bawdy old broad Maude Frickert!]!
❤ She looks a little Jonathan Winters-y is the thing!
❤ We only use condoms made of “high-petroleum” latex; instead of lube we use a lot of lube! Wasteful!
❤ Our post-sex shower is bridal instead of water-based! We use a proprietary software that hacks Amazon Wish List data to find out where to crash! Our reprehensible love is our odoriferous gift for the dearly betrothed!
❤ We’re literally rubbing peoples’ faces in it– you have to close your face as tight as you can to keep from getting accidentally auricularly penetrated! Sphenoethmoidally skewered! Eye banged!
❤ We just released a CD full of pleasant anecdotes, airplane jokes!
❤ While one of use chats with the neighborhood sad kid about the moon-landing hoax, the other sneaks up from behind it and pretends to be a passingby moon expert and proceeds to validate all your bullshit! WHAMMO! Fantasy-prone goes tortoise-style!8
❤ We dress the same, take turns sharing the same white sheets… for Ghosts LARP!9
❤ In “The Gift of the Magi” of Scam Weddings, each of us (aging conman meets pretty young thing) is waiting for the other to die so we can get The Money!10
❤ Wait! No! “Fantasy-prone goes Fantasy PRONE!(!)”!/. ?
❤ We go apple picking, bake a pie, make dumplings with the scraps; pile leaves in which to jump; sit near a fire, roast a marshmallow, tell a ghost story; generally enjoy each others’ company!
❤ We are perilously close to putting Hos before Bros!
❤ (Our reprehensible love) of “MMA for Kids” turning us into real ‘cage parents’/Now you Get Back In There and you Work that Fontanelle! Like We Practiced!
❤ We’re so far out we have a Signature Crime– we tamper with saccharine, and lace it with strychnine!
1Next year: Great Moments in History!
2At a Prussian Blue in-store!
3We stole from a transplant board!
4In full, exhaustive, teeth-gritting, exhausting, ‘No, I don’t have a problem with that (why– should I have a problem with that (maybe you have a problem with that)?]’ detail!
5“This is the second worst birthday present I’ve ever gotten,” “Love? I don’t even LIKE your (stupid) family,” “Your legs remind me of Edward James Olmos getting his Polio vaccine while eating cottage cheese that has lines of grape jelly streaked through it!”!
6“If we combine tio Esteban’s Flan with your Mee-maw’s Chicken Cordon Bleu we’ll be unstoppable!” “Chicken Cordon Flan!”
7June 18, 2009
On Schedule?: 6:47 AM, T-minus 5 min.
Length: 9” approx.
Description: Brown, Cyllindrical
dominant color – Raw Umber
subordinant colors – Bistre, Ochre
Firmness: 5 of 7
Notes: A+++ Very Satisfying—Would ‘Do Business’ Again
8The longest-living, and therefore most likely to be senile/demented, animal!
9How to LARP ghosts:
Step One: Get the obituary section of the local paper!
Step Two: Pick X obituaries at random!
Step Three: You and X-1 friends spend the evening tracking down your ghosts’ living relations and “visiting” them!
!It Is Not As Bad In Some Ways But Almost As Bad In Other Ways!
!Than If They Had Actually Been In The Klan!
10Actually, it’s part “Gift of the Magi,” part “Brinx Job”