Posts Tagged ‘on you mouthways’

End of Year Goals

September 29 2011

12 Goals


$ touch the flaming dove

So I’m low on inspiration. I shouldn’t worry– it happens to even the most inspirationful of us. Take, for example, a young Zigford Stardust. The year is 1972, and he is one of the most prolific imaginary singer-songwriters around. Yet even at the heights of his profligacy, he admitted to muse-struggles. “Inspirations have I none, just to touch the flaming dove”
Why won’t everyone just let him touch this stupid firebird? Tezuka– is this your doing?

He is saying "ehhhhh!"

"I start fires in my spare time; I started one fire" -- Dude was a for real medical doctor in his time off from drawing like a thousand pages of comics a year

Quoth the Flaming Dove, “Please de-ignite me,” and “Oh Jaysus– Moi Wengs!”

I think he may have meant pussy or dick

"I need these wings un-singed in order to generate sufficient lift! Even the slightest burns could be my death sennntennnce!!!"

“Oh good, help has arrived! … why, why are you just touching me?? I. Can someone please help?!?”

Sure– doves are tough to come by– but does anyone have a problem finding pigeons? As far as I remember (about 50,000 beers / 27 years), those two birds are basically the same bird except one is more racially pure and therefore the international symbol of peace. Also has a real nasty olive branch habit

A stipple portrait of a dove on olives; caption: I just like feeling the oil squish between my toes– I just need to feel that cherry pop

Did You Know?… that that is how we get our olive oils– Doves. Doves are gross. Doves have a major-league creepo obsession with virginity. Doves look at promise rings and get hard they look at broken promise rings aka cherry ghosts and get softer than a sackful of Super Pretzels aka The Soft Kind. Doves are to olives as Jihadis are to ghost girls in heaven. I mean, I assume the only way Heaven can supply that many dead virgins is if they are making them the sad way. Or, I guess, rapidly exhausting their stores of history’s unfuckables. Did You Know?… that Osama bin Laden got to deflower Emily Dickinson? Sorry, untouched English Graduate students!

Doves flock around purity balls/weddings like vultures and those preverted dads stupidly think it is a sign from God. Even Chad Barrister, the first straight dad to make it through a purity ball without getting at least halfway there thinking about the honeymoon! Amongst chastity dads it’s referred to as ‘Living on a Prayer’.

Anyways, Doves are the Telly of Olives and we should be glad that they are on fire.
Touch them to let them know that you know and that you don’t care.
Touch them to send them to hell.


$ become fluent, literate in nature

Right now it’s just English, and barely that. Maybe if I learn nature I can trick a bee into marrying me for it’s honey! I ain’t saying I’m some Dutch Gold digger, it’s just that you won’t see me messing with no broke chiggers

I love you and I love your eyes

Get down, chel(icerae), go head: get down

GOOD NEWS, LADIES– I DON”T actively court rashes and disease!!!



$ lock in that money back guarantee on future happiness

If Time = Money then Money = Time

Imagine what a life you could lead if you could ensure that any and all heartbreaks would be paid back in full, either in time or in cash? If you could insure against the dumb fickleness of folks stupid hearts? What would your premiums be?

$$$ Kisses? in quantity or quality? each kiss 17% less so
$$$ Intensity of Experience?
$$$ Love? Is it Love? Capital “L” love? Would you always be just , not quite?

And whither the Couple Default Swaps? They’re trading out of control. Somebody knows something. A fuck bubble looms and those who are supposed to burst those sorts of things are asleep at the steel?



$ fuck the shit out of Pocahontas

Genocide is terrible; let me taste your daughter; I will pay in pelts; so many pelts; 1000 pelts; thanks.


$ to be the world’s youngest old fool

I’m already daffy/punch-drunk, so that’s a start. And I’m foolish. Old? A little, but not quite.

OLD: I’ve got to start being more susceptible to scams; lonelier; softer-hearted.
OLD: I’ve got to stop remembering where I am all the time, stop restraining myself from interjecting in strangers’ conversations, stop not stopping at yard sales and public social events.
FOOL: I already like dancing, and I already believe I can dance and sing.
FOOL: I wrote a poem once about my prodigious ability to fall in love it goes:



$ be the most beautiful creep

Gonna really Branded to Kill my way up the creepranks, one unpleasant fuck scenario at a time!

Oh yeah Oh yeah Oh yeah

R.I.P. Insomniac Music Theater

Look out, Chili– behindja!

You’re probably safe, Young Thom Yorke!

And this is a flattering picture

Everytime he goes on about Noam Chomsky just think about the video for Pop Is Dead

No matter how blonde you bleach your hair, no matter how neon a funeral you arrange…


$ start collecting old European coins

In need of a hobby? Join me in buying up old pre-Euro coins. There seems to be an ok chance they’ll be relevant again soon. Very Soon.

unnnngh, Maria Montessori

18 of me will get you: a cup of espresso, a gelato maybe, off

That’s how currency works, right? When a new one fails they just start re-using the old stuff?



Though my love of nitrogen narcosis and its resultant effects is well known (see, I’ve never actually blacked-out myself. I know!

A good reality show would be called “On The Brink Of Death.” It would be seemingly impossible to insure, but if Croc Hunter got its bond why can’t this? What? By a ray? Oh, Danny– how comes?

Dan Akroyd had to be flattered by his cartoon equivalent

Jealous that Steve looked better in a tan onesie than him, no doubt

Episode one: a supervised trip through the magic world of Nitrogen Narcosis. I get to do it because it was my idea. Since it would be equally unsafe for those supervising to be human beings with lungs and blood, we’ll get those kewl tiny yellow submersible robots to accompany me.













NOTE: I think I conflated ALVIN and the Yellow Submarine and Ripley’s suit from the end of Aliens with Servbot. SAD.

When I blackout they will grab me in their tiny claw arms and tug me to the surface.
No, wait. Not my shirt, I’ll say, delirious on N.


$ spread honey

I haven’t had a KFC biscuit in ages, I can’t remember the last time I requested a side of honey for my fries. McDonald’s, circa 1992 probably.

Honey– where are you? Where did you go? I miss you, Honey.
I miss you so much.

One day you will be gone forever so we should make the most of now.


So spread.


$ fall into your human hands

Do your hands go giganto or do I get real tiny?


Giganto: I don’t have to be tiny the rest of my life (advantage); it’s only your hands that get huge and fall-in-a-ble so you will from thereon be officially ‘gross’ (disadvantage)

Tiny: exciting ant-riding, sprinkler-fearing, bee-riding, why was there a scorpion again?, cheerio-riding thrillride of the summer (advantage); the FUCKING chess battle (disadvantage)


$ to be a cobra

I fucked up. I did it backwards. I spent my twenties in a state of austere over-seriousness plus anxiety-ridden timidity and domestic senescence. Now I just want to eat pussy!

That’s what cobras do, right?
Mind the fangs, debilitating venom!


$ I just want pants that fit

So good. Perfect ass forever.


106 Dates – #104: One sustained kiss

August 8 2011

104. One sustained kiss

The human kiss is one of the greatest marvels of human engineering. Invented in 1923 by cinematogrphaer Floyce Hopfpfeffer, the kiss was greeted with widespread condemnation when first introduced, as it meant that on-screen couples would no longer be required to give each other quick handees when the script called for them to demonstrate affection. Public opinion soon changed, however, as the world discovered not only how enjoyable the sensation of two tongues touching could be, but were also gifted the increased freedom and productivity of a life less constant carpal tunnel syndrome/penile chaffing. Out of the great decade of fads, the kiss has proved to be longest lasting and most universally beloved, narrowly beating out ‘economic-collapse-inducing hypercorruption’.

So why not celebrate this testament to human ingenuity/weird wet firm softnesses?

How long can you sustain one kiss? Akekachai and Raksana Tiranarat did it for 46 hours, 24 minutes, and 9 seconds. Why?1 Besides having to do one kiss the whole time, they were not allowed to go to a bathroom or sit at all (for some reason). Really, this seems as much a record for standing as anything else. Jesus Christ. Were they immediately taken to the orthotics store to get fitted for the lower-body reconstruction braces they’ll need to wear for the rest of their lives? Before the Tiranarats, the longest kiss was 33 hours even, and over the past decade had only increased by four hours. Why add another 13 and a half? What are you trying to prove, Thailand? (Is this some kind of lese majeste thing? (Did the King put you up to this?))2

But seriously, check out the vids.3 A) unattractive,4 B) like being the appellee of the dead-eyed but desperate pecks of the just-dumped, those kisses are not kisses anyone would ever want to participate in. Since you will never match, or never want to match, the actual record, why not (instead) see how long you can for real kiss. For this date– for the whole date– kiss. Just once. Just one sustained, actual, passionate kiss. When you enter the door, start kissing. Then keep kissing that one kiss. As long. As you can. And then when it is over you leave. Date over! Or better yet, just meet somewhere and start doing it– on the street, in a bar, a coffeeshop, church, at the marriage of your most spought ex,5 at your parent’s funeral, wait this is my mom’s funeral, no I think I know my mom when I see her, but that’s my m-oh-my-god, oh god oh god, Auggh why- why didn’t I ask how you knew her name and everybody else’s name and looked like them also and me, this is just like dad’s wake all over again, or while ice skating.

Make sure you do tongue calisthenics beforehand. In order to maximize limberness and flexibility, and to avoid getting potentially romantically devastating tongue splints, make sure you do some kind of tongue calisthenics beforehand. In fact, it would be in your– as well as your date’s– best interest for you to put yourself on an active tongue-strengthening regimen, starting a week to a month before the date, and to not ever stop doing it. The tongue: it’s your most important fuck muscle! Aaron Copland’s Connotations.6

Here are some exercises you can do in the privacy of your own home: light kissing, light pussy eating/dick sucking, keep a tiny balloon afloat, if you get real good you can work your weigh up to a regular ball, and then a weighted ball, remove and regrout kitchen floor, lollipops, bathe a kitten, drink like a hamster from now on, toss salads (re: buttholes), toss salads (re: vegetables),7 tie/untie cherry stem knots, tie/untie shoelace knots, tie/untie wood knots,8 really thorough pussy eating/dick sucking, learn TSL, learn glossaphore, learn morse code and then get some kind of digital morse code button surgically implanted in your soft palate, or I guess a tongue stud, just start accosting people on the street symbolically threatening to eat their pussy/suck their dick by way of tongues and fingers and then do it, a lot.

Whatever you do, do NOT do any tongue twisters. Excessive tongue twisting can result in hingetongue, and no one wants to make out with a bendy straw.

Warning: even having done all the proper exercises you still run the risk of inducing tongue fusion. IN CASE OF FUSION just remember these three simple tips

      1. You have one tongue now, be careful not to bite it

      2. I mean seriously, your biting days are pretty much over

      3. You still have to brush your teeth though.

Some Techniques

Nose breathing – arguably the most crucial skill to master, make sure you don’t die or else gross. Although, I mean, that would be pretty intimate– dying inside somebody’s mouth and all. Sure: it’s a major gambit. But in terms of unforgetability you will put Natalie King Cole’s crack-induced shamelessness to actual shame, creating some kind of shame paradox. Politicians spouting wall-to-wall lies without compunction or consequence! Major media news reports on and celebrity peeners and labiae! Dr. Drew! Oh no! ITS ALREADY HAPPENED!! CAN NO ONE UNREND THIS NIGHTMARE VEIL??? So, yeah. Breathe through your nose, stupid.

Ear drinking – since your lips will have to be sealed the whole time you’re kissing, you will be unable to ingest any liquids – but don’t worry! I’ve got you covered. Now, the government doesn’t want you to know this, but– all of your faceholes are fungible. An eyehole is as good as a nosehole, a mouth is as good as an ear, and a really badly infected pore is the exact same as an abscess.9 If you and your date find you’re getting a tad parched, help each oth-ear out10 and pour steaming hot tea down their head. Also a milkshake.

Pay attention – Ok, you like kissing. You’re really good at it. You don’t just stick your lips on their lips add tongue and call it a day– you lead, you react, you– I don’t actually know how to do good kisses/have never actually kissed anyone before (am I even close?). But even the most conscientious kisser is going to struggle to stay on top of their game after two hours. Here’s some tips on how you can stay attentive and walk out with a devastating win (from which your date will never recover):11

      • clip a chip clip on your dick/clit
      • that’s it
      • just do that one

Underwater Breath Training – Now that you’ve been prepped on the importance of breathing as it pertains to the space-time rescue of the entire human race, it is space-time to build up your capacity to hold your breath.12 No one likes warm nose air all over their cheeks– upstairs or downstairs. Boogers diffuse, everyone knows this. Hot snot is nobody’s friend. What am I even saying. Just, find a pool and make sure you have friends to make sure you don’t die. I. I need to sit down.

Sensory Deprivation – Just as runner’s trick themselves into thinking they experience a ‘runner’s high’ in order to try to trick dumb idiots with weird incentive structures into ruining their knees so the runners can salvage the uncorrupted bone and cartilage in order to further fortify their unholy mega knees, kissing beyond a certain limit will transport you, mind & soul, to a Space Odyssey-style hallucinatory edenic all-ennveloping neon space-womb (and subsequent well-appointed but oddly sterile space-room). Your body doesn’t go anywhere– it stays there because you Need To Keep Kissing if you want to have any chance at an audience with the space-baby. Don’t let the monolith that is watching your own dumb corpse die intimdate you. Just Keep Kissing. That baby is cool as HELL. Spoiler Alert.

Some Kind of Tongue Sleeve/Lip Laminate – or tongue strengthening alloy? Or a tongue suit, made out of tongues. Perhaps a horse tongue that you just slip your own human tongue inside of. Or, if you’re pretty ruthless, an actual human tongue. No. I’m sorry. I just made myself sad. Don’t do that. Or at least beat up an organ donation transport specialist and snag a corpse tongue. Do they transplant tongues? Can I have one that does that cool tripartite fold thing? Does that help at, you know, ‘oral exams’? What? Don’t take that face with me. Ok, sure– the use of exam in a sexual + vaginal context is perhaps not the most erotical of innuendo. But, I mean, c’mon. …I just want to get on you, mouthways.

1Seriously– how come?

2This is where a The King and I reference would be if I had ever seen that thing. / Uh… Yul Brynner!

4Burn/you were thinking it! Probably! I was! 😦

5Like hated but for spite– maybe you’ve had worse exes, but none so crushable. Tracks both venom towards & efficacy of petty retributions / satisfaction there derived.

7The amount of linguodexterity it takes to create the perfect balance of lettuce, cucumbers, bell peppers, shredded carrots, croutons, and dressing would impress even the most standoffish or jaded of gentlenesses.

8Remove the wood knot (with your tongue) or, experts only, create the wood knot with your tongue.

9That may accidentally actually be true… (gross).

10The government is also allergic to puns; SMOKESCREEN! The sound of laughter from behind a wall of smoke then coughing.

11Spiritually, not physically or emotionally– faith: shattered, new god: you. I HOPE YOU LIKE ANOINTINGS!!

12The space? Underwater! The time? 4+ minutes (or until you don’t die over and over again until that deathcheat barrier is way later than it used to be)