Posts Tagged ‘over-wrought AND self-indulgent’


September 16 2011

A. We’ll take a road trip
B. We us?
A. Yeah.
B. Oh. Sure. We will.
A. Where to?
B. Hm. Malawi.
A. We, there aren’t roads that go to Malawi from here.
B. Pittsburgh.
A. Are you even listening?
B. There are roads that go to Pittsburgh.
A. That would take more than a week, though.
B. Road trip!
A. For a long weekend!
B. Oh!
A. Maybe a longer one if we can both call in!
B. Oh… so you mean, like, now
A. Yes.
B. Oh. I can’t do that.
A. Roaaad Trip!
B. Prehhhsentaaation!
A. That’s what PowerPoint is for.
B. Um, first off, a PowerPoint doesn’t create itself
A. Huh, really? I hope the second off is less condescending…
B. And– I do too– and, second… ly.
A. Off.
B. Second off– I really wanted to switch, though.
A. Second… sight?
B. Second, ly.
A. Second… banana.
B. Second, class. Citizen.
A. Second,ary… dairy.
B. Seco, what’s second class dairy?
A. Secondary dairy.
B. Right. What is that? Like, butter?
A. Yes.
B. Do you know what that meant?
A. No.
B. Well, butter is made from from churning cream, which would be the primary dairy product.
A. Oh. This is boring.
B. There is nothing boring about education.
A. In what way could that be true? Of course there are boring things about education. I’m falling asleep right now just thinking about it.
B. Well, that’s probably because you sleep about as well as you come up with designations for the two spot.
A. I know you don’t mean to be mean when you say that, but it does hurt.
B. What? You don’t even care about this. What hurt is there to take?
A. I’m just saying. Just telling you: it hurts, you know?
B. What hurts? Because I didn’t think your
A. I wish you , I wish.  …   Jesus
B. You just did a head bob. You did a falling asleep head bob. In the middle of being angry.
A. I, I don’t know what is happening to me.
B. Are you sure you could even handle a road trip? I don’t want you to fall asleep while driving and kill us both.
A. I would be fine I bet.
B. Err. I don’t think that’s a bet I would be willing to take.
A. I would be FINE. Jesus.
B. Ok. You’re being unpleasant now.
A. I’m being? I’m!?
A. Reset.


A. We’ll take a road trip.
B. …we who?
A. We me and we you.
B. We us?
A. Yeah. Where to?
B. It was your idea, you should choose.
A. No, no. I had the idea, you have to choose.
B. Well, I don’t really have any ideas. I just want to go because you want to go.
A. Shucks.
B. But if you insist…
A. No, let’s go to Wyoming.
B. Wyoming? Why?
A. Oming.
A. It would be cool to go to somewhere that is less than anywhere.
B. That’s not really fair to Wyoming.
A. Life isn’t fair. To Wyoming.
B. If I remember correctly, two-thirds of the state is owned by Ted Turner.
A. Dick Cheney is from there.
B. Also I think Napoleon Dynamite took place there.1
A. See what I mean?
B. I don’t know. I liked Napoleon Dynamite.
A. GOSH! Let’s feed a llama poorly and do sweet GOSH jumps over a liger GOSH!!
B. It’s not really fair to hold a movie’s fans against it.
A. Wrong. I can’t even eat tater tots anymore after having to hear about fucking tots, non-stop, 2004-2007. R.I.P. Tots.
B. … this is just making me sad now
A. And Ted Turner is a choad.
B. Yeah. I know. But the Ted Turner character on Conan is pretty funny.
A. You mean the Ted Turner that owns zero thirds of Wyoming?
B. Still funny.
A. Still fictional.
A. There’s only 500,000 or so people who live there– do you think every single one of them is terrible?
B. It seems unlikely, but not as unlikely as it should.
A. Yeah. Alaska at least has some kind of Jack London romance going for it.
B. And Northern Exposure.
A. I don’t think anyone has ever moved to Alaska because of Northern Exposure.
B. OH. Right, ok. Yeah. Probably not. I didn’t know you were talking about, though, actually…
A. No.
B. Not the main reason, but a contributing factor?
A. N, ok.
B. Yes! I win.
A. …do you think you would ever do a dog sled race?
B. No. I don’t even like when it snows.
A. I think I want to. Maybe even in a real way– where I’ve actually taken into account how insane that is.
B. Huh. Really?
A. I think so.
B. Won’t you probably die though?
A. Are dog races usually fatal?
B. They seem pretty extreme. I mean, it’s hundreds of miles through frozen wilderness on dogback. Have you ever even had a dog?
A. I had two cats. And a guinea pig.
B. … I want to forbid you from doing this.
A. No. Incorrect.
B. I want to. I didn’t say I could.
A. Nuh-uh.
B. I can still w
A. No.
B. Seriously, though. Don’t.
B. Please.
A. I wasn’t actually going to.
B. Good.
A. I mean, now I have to do it. So. Thanks for killing me.
B. Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i
A. It’s, actually just starting to hit me
B. -i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-
A. I’m. I. Can feel, my bre. My bre.
B. i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i
A. thhhh. Reset? Reset? Can we, can we, can. Rese
B. t!


A. We’ll take a road trip!
B. OK!
A. Mm. Can’t wait!
B. Yeah!
A. No! Not feeling it!
B. Reset?!
A. Reset!!


A. We’ll take a road trip
B. Ok.
A. Where to?
B. I, don’t know.
A. Comeon. Where do you want to go?
B. I don’t think I’ve ever done a real road trip before.
A. Really?
B. Yeah. I’ve taken regular trips. I mean, I’ve taken car trips with my parents,
A. No
B. like on vacation?
A. Nope. That doesn’t count.
B. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
A. Seriously though, we’ve got the long weekend. I can take a day, you…?
B. I probably shouldn’t. I’ve got a presentation on Wednesday that is pretty crucial.
A. Wednesday wouldn’t be in play though.
B. Yeah, but I’ve still got a lot of prep to do, as well as partners who are depending on me
A. Maybe they can handle it without you. Or with less of you.
B. It wouldn’t be fair to them.
A. Are you sure you’re not overstating your importance here
B. I am the lead on this presentation; I am by definition the most important
A. Still, it’s not like this is the first presentation anyone has ever done. They could probably do it without you, right?
B. Of course they *could*, but they shouldn’t have to (a) and (b) it would refl
A. Guh. This is boring now.
B. Yeah. Well. Maybe next weekend?
A. Two days isn’t enough for it to be a decent road trip.
B. Maybe next… long weekend
A. Guh.
B. I mean, after this presentation we should have a bit of a lull at work. I could probably take a couple of days off.
A. T-
B. Not the week after next– its best practices to give about two weeks heads up before scheduling vacation days– but the week after the week after next should still be slow.
A. A road trip should either have size & duration or spontaneity or both. What you are offering is a vacation.
B. Ok.
A. Not ok.
B. Well it’s going to have to be ok, because
A. Guh.
B. Quit guffing me.
A. Not guff, guh. Guh.
B. Well please stop doing that then.
A. Doing what?
B. Th
B. Reset
B. Reset.
B. … Reset?
A. Guh.


A. We’ll take a road trip.
B. Me, you and who?
A. Me, you and us.
B. Ah.
A. Why? Who do you want to roadtrip with us?
B. Just the more the merrier, is all.
A. Wow. You’re in a good mood.
B. You are aware that that comment is the world’s least conducive to maintaining a good mood, right?
A. What about “I’m sorry to inform you, but when the waterslide collapsed, your parents were inside. There were no survivors”
B. … I don’t think that counts as a comment.
A. “I’m sorry to inform you this way, in a comment and all, but”
B. Also why a waterslide collapse?
A. It just sort of popped in there.
B. And my parents? They just sort of popped into a waterslide?
A. Well they’ve got to be doing something to keep themselves busy now that you’re gone.
B. You nerd.
A. What? What’s nerdy about waterslides?
B. You’re just a big dork is all.
A. If anything they’re the jocks of the rides world
B. Where did you want to go?
A. No. I ask you that.
B. Where do I want to go?
A. Yes. Where *do* you want to go?
B. Oklahoma.
A. Ew. No.
B. The Rocky Mountains.
A. Too non-specific, they range the continent. Also are they notable for being driveworthy?
B. Well it would be unfair to generalize about such a vast, continent-ranging … range.
A. True.
B. Where do you want to go?
A. The Pacific Coast. Or straight down the middle, left to right. And back.
B. Going ‘left to right’
A. and back!
B. is definitely too much.
A. Road trip, though
B. Maybe Pacific Coast, but I’d only be able to swing going one way not two.
A. ‘to swing’ — now who’s the nerd…
B. Yeah, yeah. Anyways. You’d have already done those places. You don’t need to repeat yourself.
A. But you lose the contrasts. Second chances at what you missed the first time, the ability to revisit the best places. Imagine– we could have Road Friends! and A Spot!
B. But I have already have a Job! and a Life! and Other Adult Obligations and Responsibilities!
A. … Why don’t they have road trip specific rental operations?
B. What?
A. They could have locations only at beginnings and ends– maybe middles– of specific awesome trips.
B. …what?
A. Or I guess scattered along the routes. That way they would be able to limit their brick and mortar expenses and increase ease of dropping off and picking up.
B. But I would think part of the deal with road trips is the freedom to go where you want, the lack of regimentation.
A. Hm. Yeah. I mean, I guess you could still go where ever you wanted. You’d just be tied to returning it to a limited number of places along these paths.
B. Which wouldn’t be all that different from regular car rental operations.
A. Except the cars they’d have would be sort of beat up, and lived in– real homey. There could be strategically hidden interesting things– fake notes, fake mixtape, real gun– deep in the seats. Or theme cars, like cassette deck specials, where we stock the car with a bunch of real classic cassette cassettes.
B. Like Van Halen II?
A. Maybe more 1984.
B. Huh. Yeah. That would be doubly beneficial– both in establishing and maintaining the aesthetic of the road trip, while also being super cheap in terms of operating costs.
A. Yeah. Exactly.
B. But wouldn’t they be at greater risk of breaking down? By sort of a lot?
A. It’s a feature.
B. Ehh, I see where you’re coming from, and I can see people thinking the like the idea of that.
A. Hell, I’ll double down and say we should offer cars that are guaranteed to break down.
B. We? So I’m somehow involved with this business now
A. You’re the MOST involved. As in give me all the money to do it please and sign all the bank documents.
B. Why me? You have some money. And your credit is better than mine!
A. Yeah, well, I’d like to keep it that way
B. If this succeeds you wil–
A. Oh, there’s no way this thing succeeds. I mean, I could sort of see it happening, but. Seriously– when was the last time you heard of a new rental car company?
B. Zipcar?
A. And they have an actual demographic with an actual need
B. Citydwelling 20 to low 30 somethings who don’t have a car because why would they have a car.
A. Exactly.
B. Well, wouldn’t they be also your demographic? If they don’t have a car they can’t road trip, and yet they are ethnologically compelled to do so.
A. Therefore Zipcar.
B. But you have to return those to the exact place you got them
A. You eventually have to return home
B. And they’re mostly nice and therefore expensive.
A. And most importantly extant. As in I have exactly zero cars. ‘Some of a’ if you count yours.
B. Since when do you say extant.
A. Since shutup.
B. is that really the best way to sweet talk a potential investor?
A. I think I’ve already talked myself out of our deal, so I’m not sure why you would be on board.
B. I don’t know. I think it’s a pretty, cool idea.
A. Yeah?
B. Yeah. And you seemed really into it.
A. I would be pretty fucking excellent at running a business.
B. Maybe you should look into it. Like, a loan and stuff.
A. No. This idea is insane.
B. Well, sure. You’d get stomped. But maybe a different idea.You were coming up with some pretty great stuff once you started going…
A. You’re not wrong. People would have loved the shit of the theme cars.
B. And stuffing the pockets with secrets was really sharp.
A. We could also– well we’d have to– research the routes and give people traveling those routes like a small book of suggested stops with real good tips. Like not just what is the best to order, but also breakdowns of the social dynamics of each place. Small poems about the best waitresses. Which chefs and staff hate each others’ guts and why.
B. Ok. That’s maybe a little too far, but
A. NO. Not far enough. Rank all the Dames of the Diners by easiness and headquacy.
B. Ew. N
A. That’s adequacy of their head.
B. Yeah, I got i
A. Giving abilities.
A. Hey.
B. That is real value added, though.
A. Blowjobs are premium, deffles.
B. … I mean, you could maybe– since the overhead and insurance and operating costs and insurance required to run rental cars is completely fucking insane– you could offer to be a road trip advisor. And just offer all the extras.
A. Yeah… that would require a LOT of research though. And constant re-research to make sure it’s up to date. And seems like something the Internet was specifically designed for.
A. You.. ok?
B. I just feel dumb for not having figured that out first.
A. Pfft. No. You were just being supportive. A nicee. An Italian Nice.
B. Nice Watermelon… Nice.
A. Reset?
B. Reset.


A. I want to fuck your brains out.
B. We wh– at?
A. Fuck the road, I just want to fuck.
B. Frank Booth.
A. No. I’m being serious.
B. *Who Is* Frank Booth?
A. Advantages to Fucking: fucking is awesome
B. Granted.
A. Fucking is way fucking cheaper than driving
B. True.
A. Fucking can be as much of an exploration as any trip
B. Poetically, maybe. Or in movies. But in actuality not at all. You are pretty much just, fucking.
A. Fucking is better than a road trip.
B. Logical Fallacy– tautology.
A. The best part of a road trip would just be fucking. Fucking in different places, fucking in the spirit of freedom, fucking in the car, fucking on the diner table instead of paying for your check
B. What? No.
A. The rest though, I mean…
B. By fucking in the car do you just mean, in the parking lot
A. No, while driving.
B. How does that… happen.
A. Well, in this case fucking is probably more mouth or hands.
B. OH, ok. Yeah. No, yeah. I can see that.
A. We could just drive around our neighborhood giving each other head.
B. Or, maybe a little outside our neighborhood?
A. We could just take a road head trip, driving down the highway, back and forth, sucking each other off.
B. Maybe even end the day at a nice motel or cabin in the woods or something?
A. Sure, there are plenty of those around. Also– woods sex.
B. I worry that the leaves and dirt are the beach sand of forest fucking, but yes. Let’s do this instead.
A. To the Car aka the Fuckmobile!
B. Yaaay!!
A. The Ford Fuckus!
B. ~~~~ Honey. Honey!
A. The Ford Fuckandsuckus…
B. Wake up. You’re saying gross car names again.
A. The Kia Suckrento!
B. Hey…
A. Fuckswagen… Jetta.
B. Ugh.


A. We’ll take a road trip.
B. Where to?
A. I’ve never been to Canada.
B. Eh. I don’t really want to deal with the borders right now.
A. I’ve never been to Mexico.
B. … “Eh.” “I don’t really want to deal with the borders right now.”
A. Oh right.
B. Oh right? You forgot Mexico was another country?
A. Yeah.
B. Huh. I would think it would usually go the other way.
A. Why?
B. Well. I mean, the Mexican border is the one that people are always very mad about on TV and the radio.
A. Oh yeahh. I forgot about that.
B. Lucky.
A. What can I say, sometimes I am the best fucking person in the whole entire world.
B. Yeah you are.
A. Precious Moments: Self-flattery back-reflected. Two kewpies, one preening, lovestruck in front of the mirror the other is holding in front of it’s entire body. The other one straining under the weight of the mirror, dying a little holding it. Internal bleeding cued by deep underwing bruises.
B. Uh…
A. Hey!
B. Hey.
A. Seriously, tho. Lets get the fuck out of here. Pronto.
B. Hm. Well…
A. Out with it
B. No, you’re going to be angry.
A. No, come on. I’ll be angrier if you don’t say it.
B. Ugh.
A. Give it.
B. I… actually don’t care as long as it’s with, you.
B. So, I could just go, you know
B. Anywhere.
B. Hello?
A. We should talk.
B. Aw, what. You were all road trips and creepy Precious Moments figurines a second ago.
A. I’m not really sure how the second one
B. Yeah. Yeah, that actually. Probably was more we need to talk than anything.
A. Maybe. We , maybe it’s not-
B. No. Just say it.
A. Well, we’ll take a road trip.
B. We wh– wait, you’re back at the beginning
A. Instead of just. You know. We could go out in style. Irish Wake it. On wheels.
B. I think I should hate this and be mad at it.
A. But you don’t?
B. I feel like I should think its, humiliating. But
A. Let’s do it.
B. Ugh.
A. Come on. Things just end is all. Even this bit must one day die.
B. But what will we even do?
A. We’ll pretend a little bit; but also know. We’ll , you know– make it. It might be better than normal due to anger on your part and guilt on mine and sadness for both. We’ll probably talk some, in occasional snatches, during the drive, about it. You’ll probably have some snipes snuck in to regular conversation that, at some point, I will be required to no longer ignore, at which point you’ll get to deliver your monologue telling me off.
B. It’s a pretty good one.
A. And I’ll respond with a single, slight and slightly devastating line, but also still be the villain. But also still be the one crying. This will probably be near the end and afterwards a real intimate one. Maybe the most intimate ever, unless, like, one day one of our other significants comes down with a fast tumor or something.
B. It was nice until
A. Yeah. I’m sorry. That one we’re going to make is so intimate that even at this point, even when it hasn’t happened yet, it’s hard for me to think about or acknowledge it without trying to undercut. Make light.
B. It’s bigger in the past.
A. Pardon?
B. Never mind. It, actually it didn’t really apply.
A. Ok. But, yeah. After that , intimate one , somehow everything will be , less so. We’ll drive– at this point we’re on the last leg, the way home. And at some point during, what would normally be a weak smile will have a strength to it, shared between us. A recognition of what was once the case (but no longer is). Parenthetical. I’ll drop you off.
B. No, I’ll drop you off. You don’t have-
A. Right. Right… it’s actually. That actually tracks better.
B. Tra-
A. You drop me off at , I guess my parents’ house, No– my old apartment. They liked you too much, I don’t want them to know yet. We have a goodbye kiss but its a soft one. Simple like a first kiss– a first first kiss– but in reverse. Because we already had our goodbyes back there. And then as you drive off the only thing that I can do is wave, because they haven’t invented the appropriate gesture for this yet.
B. It sounds like you’ve already done all this without me.
A. Precious Moments.
B. Reset?
A. Reset.


A. We’ll take a road trip,
B. Way out west /
A. You’re the one,
B. I like the best.



1. Idaho. It took place in Idaho.

106. Determine Your Worth as a Couple

August 22 2011

Determine Your Worth as a Couple

How and why are you better than every couple? What about the ones that you are worse than? How and why will you rationalize your obvious inferiority into a virtue of some kind?1

         – Interpret their unassailable and effortless perfection as arrogance, stuckupitude
         – Straight mockery — all hypothetical slipper-fetches and night pipes, all Darlings and Jim Dears
         – Go with The Old Canard (i.e. anyone that pretty can’t be smart or interesting)
         – If they are white, some sort of aryan jab
         – If they are not white, the smug but deeply secreted/sick self-satisfaction that (probabilistically) you’ve still got that going for you
         – If both, by admitting your defeat gracefully JK making a remark about how trendy that is now.

    A remark from which you, on the invisible ledger of not being an insecure piece of shit, will never recover. Such are the dangers of being an insecure piece of shit. But I digress…

You’re in the grocery store. It’s Sunday morning. All the real couples have flocked to get did their re-stocking for the week ahead. And you’re there too. The couples seem happy enough to varying degrees. One not-so-much couple is obviously upset about something. A puts a box of cereal in the cart and B takes it out and puts it back on the shelf without hesitation. Later, A notices and B plays dumb. How do you even get to that point. What are you even doing. But mostly the couples range from ‘just fine’ to ‘so happy to even (just) be together’. Where will you range?

    1. So Happy To Even (Just) Be Together: pure duprass
    2. SuperContent: a love comprising more than one contented core / your contentedness is the contentedness brought into being by the sum of all relationships to justify their notions of contentedness / note to self: remember to use supersaturated as some over-clever measure of next-level pussy wetness
    3. Hazy-eyed: a look is still A Look
    4. Happy: smile on proximity – genuine/shows up on camera; “lucky, fortunate, contented with ones lot”
    5. Just Fine: everything is a-ok
    6. Just Fine: everything is eh, ok
    7. Lazy-eyed: one eye trying the whole time to find something better
    8. Not Happy: But you’ve got tv (see Unhappy)
    9. Unhappy: Dictionary-diving at 4am2
    10. Shopping Cart Lashouts: Please, you don’t need to do this. Someone else will fuck you maybe.
    11. Why?: how come?

The art of comparison is so crucial to our identities that the (mostly worthless) Venn Diagram is one of the first non-arithmetic mathematical concepts you learn at your socialization boot camp, elementary school. Without plenty of examples and counter-examples of romantical contentedness, how would you know just how shitty your shitty relationship is/how would you know whether you should be happy about this thing that is happening to you?

         + Sure, you could trust your feelings. When have *they* ever led you astray? Oh, every moment of every day of your entire life? And you sort of wish you’d chosen ‘unfeeling robot brain plus intermittent regularly scheduled pleasure/pain subroutine’ instead? Well chewy nougat, snickers– you picked ‘fucking nuts’.
         + Sure, you have nice conversations, but so did your parents probably, and now they watch 12+ hours of Bravo each week– and that’s not even counting A&E and Laws & Order/CSsI.3
         + Sure, the sex is great but orgasms are cheating i.e. dopamine more like dope-of-you, making…4 OH! Wait: even a broken cock can make you cum twice a day.5 Or a broken clock for that matter– get that second hand clicking just against th– [ahem ed.] But, again, I digress…

Your only hope is context. Place your faith in the Great All-Connecting Tautology (or GACT) of society– in and against the Fellow Lives Of Adjacent Menkind6— and judge away. They’re certainly demonstrative, but I think their constant contact protest too much; we don’t need to prove our love/our affection is doth-less. They seem rill happy, but who wouldn’t be thrilled to find the only person on earth who would flow through those channels. Oh man, we used to be them but now we’re us; they’ll be us soon enough but by then will we be all used up. Shit. Don’t look too close, here comes one of those 10×10 couples that defy context/make all FLOAM brittle and crumbly and worthless by comparison…

If you could *just* watch them fuck, think of what you could learn.7 Their sex is no doubt one thousand times better than yours. They feel the earth move at three orders more magnitude. Their beast has 200 backs. Their actual act is more thorough: more thoughtful, but simple; aggressive but, as apt, delicate. As apt as it is effortless, unaffected. More sincere, but with a certain playfulness to it. More actual, somehow– not hyperreal, not soreal,10 but just the case, non-semantic.11 More Than Words.
Every motion is as if freed from marble– it is (as it has always been) the exact right thing to do. Bernini detail with Brancusi efficiency.12 Not reactive, but preactive. Some edenic state of pre-cognition, some perfect mindlessness, in which all barriers between them cease to exist– locked in a pan-dimensional kiss13 that is temporary only in Time.
BUT, also, unlike everything I just described, something that you would enjoy and absolutely want to participate in.
BUT, also, again, I digress…

So you’ll never be stars exploding in then night or electric eels under the covers.14 Who is? Other people who are better than you? Almost certainly. But you will never know for sure how many and how much better until you determine your worth as a couple. Do it.15

1. How: likely through one of the methods listed; Why: because you are a bad person/net bad people
3. Excepting, of course, Criminal Intent reruns.
4. I’m sorry.
5. I apologize. (That’s not even a play on words…)
6. Eh? eh? Remember those?
7. Correction: not learn, but observe. Just because you saw the 1995 Western Conference Finals doesn’t mean you’re likely to dream shake The Admiral anytime soon.89
9. Dream Shake The Admiral: euphamism for masturbation, hj (vs. a man), or to bring someone to orgasm in general? Would you dream shake the admiral (a discrete act) or would you be up and down the floor all night giving the admiral the dream shake? Probably definitely the latter.
11. div-ine
12. This is really cool
14. / I couldn’t get all the way through either
15. (Measuring) tape your life… please!