Let’s Just Stick To “Yo’ Momma,” Okay?
$ Yo’ Daddy hits so hard that all the kids in school call you Rawlings.
$ Yo’ Daddy so short that yo’ momma cheated on him with like 12 different guys!
$ Yo’ Daddy so dumb your decent-but-not-spectacular report card sends him into ‘a mood’; he offers to let your trimestral alter-ego, Mr. Big Shot, pay for spaghetti dinner.
$ Yo’ Daddy teeth so jacked that it is obvious that his daddy couldn’t provide full dental either.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat that when he sits around the house he is typically also drinking a lot and eating poorly.
$ Yo’ Daddy so drunk you exist.
$ Yo’ Daddy so closeted the only gift you ever found hunting for Christmas presents was a box full of erotic correspondence between him and another man. With pictures!
$ Yo’ Daddy so poor he had to take out a loan to buy your family house but then he couldn’t pay back the loan and your family house was foreclosed on by the bank and he is about to lose your family house.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat his prima noshing rights, feudal dinners are starting to have a visible effect on you and your siblings’ diet.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat when you grow up you wanna be a geneticist.
$ Yo’ Daddy so racist that, even though he puts up a liberal front– votes Democrat, donates to the ACLU, expresses appropriate disgust with absolute bigots, Fox News– he was definitely not OK with yo’ sister dating that Puerto Rican guy. I mean, in Yo’ Daddy’s defense, the kid was as close to a gang-banger as you can get in an affluent east coast suburb, but I’m pretty sure Yo’ Daddy didn’t know that.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat that he molested a bunch of kids just so they could go to trial and he could finally get a description of what his dick looks like.
$ Yo’ Daddy smell so nasty I don’t think he’s showered once since Mom died.
$ Yo’ Daddy so young he probably ain’t gonna stick around much longer; weekends tops.
$ Yo’ Daddy so gifted his abandonment of you and yo’ mother– physically, emotionally, financially– can be completely forgiven– and will be if you (and yo’ mother) don’t want to be known as malcontented and pathetic attention whores by the public at large!
$ Yo’ Daddy so brazen all of Chinatown considers him a fire hazard.
$ Yo’ Daddy so Raven he serves as a constant reminder that you, too, can be replaced, supplanted.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat he puts the “fat” back in father.
$ Yo’ Daddy such a bad provider that Clearwire looks up to HIM.
$ Yo’ Daddy so resourceful he found a way to punish you using only a kitchen sponge, spilt gatorade, and a poster of Michael Jordan.
$ Yo’ Daddy so effective you’ve never felt a moment’s joy in your entire life.
$ Yo’ Daddy so racist that once he expressed skepticism about affirmative action with an undercurrent of resentment that it would now take longer for him, as a white man, to get promoted, and– as a direct result of that dinner table conversation– you turned into a skinhead fuck, and you killed a guy (super grossly, too), and while you were in prison your brother turned into a skinhead fuck, and later he gets killed, maybe because he killed a guy, or did something, I forget, but the point is it’s all your fault, which, in turn, is all your dad’s fault for saying something critical about public policy re: race.
$ Yo’ Daddy so broke not even an x-ray could fix him!
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat he’s a fucking embarrassment.