Time is a Game Only Children Play Well
8 AM Wake up, it’s too late to go to work and you fall back asleep.
8:26 Wake up, and fall back asleep
9:14 Wake up, start to jerk off a little, but aimlessly.
9:18 Fighting sleep, you try to narrativize some lost opportunity from your past. In this alternate erotic continuity you successfully slayed (slew?) the twin beasts of ambivalence, cowardice, and sexual incompetence,1 and by some miracle spontaneously generated enough confidence and charisma to be able to…
9:19 Fall back to sleep.
9:26 Dream about Daylight Savings Time. Imaging it was actually, by government proclamation, 8:26 right now, and you were back in your bed waking up and falling back to sleep. Nice dream.
10:50 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and wake up for keeps.
10:52 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and get out of bed for keeps.
10:57 Ok. Time to quit dicking around and not fall back to sleep on the toilet. That shit is gross. Lowell.
10:59 Shower. You can save money by limiting yourself to EITHER soap OR shampoo. Added Bonus: returns some much needed luster, curl, and bounce to heretofore listless and gnarled thigh and ass hair.
11:13 Whoa. Lost 7 minutes. Came to with pruned (face) cheeks. Gross. Also, weird.
11:14 to 11:22:24(seconds) You time your teethbrushing to the time it takes to listen to “In The Arms of Sleep” twice. It’s the only way to get a thorough clean/Billy’s voice figuratively melts plaque. Also: Vaccines are for pussies, heretics.
11:20 Start making breakfast. First step? Figuring out what not to eat by examining what you last ate. Scrape it up, Billy!
11:22:25(seconds) Ok, what’s the plan? Pancakes and Waffles? * bowls of cereal?2 le Gaston? Oui!
11:23 Only have 2 ½ eggs, not sixty.3 Settle for a “Mrs. Potts” (a kettlesworth of tea, drank out of something alive).
11:25 In lieu of bags with leaves in them, invent a new kind of tea– Smashed NyQuil Gel Caps, Brown and Fallen Oak Leaves, and Freshly Scraped Those Weird Red Stains That Keep Accruing on the Bathroom Ceiling. It tastes like Fertilizer.
11:28 If the Internet has supplanted the newspaper, then what replaces the crossword as something to distract your eyes/brain with while the rest of your face does something stupid? Team Fortress 2.
12:00 PM One more match.
12:28 One more match.
12:48 One more.
2:19 Ugh. This tea is cold. While that’s in the microwave…
3:04 Ok. Neighbor finally closed their wireless. First things first– you should probably find a new job.
3:07 Ok. It’s not “password” and “admin/admin1” doesn’t work. Time to head downtown and find somewhere to work.
3:40 Undress the mannequins at Macy’s with your eyes.
3:43 Undress the mannequins at Macy’s with your hands.
3:48 Dress down mall security with your words.
3:49 It’s not working. Quick– close your eyes, mouth, mucus membranes– here comes their rebuttal!
3:56 Your eyes are awfully peppery. You’re in no shape to interview for a job. Time to drive around town looking for free things on the side of the road.
4:21 Lesson: just because it’s in someone’s yard doesn’t mean it is up for grabs. Floor it!
4:49 Home again. Change out of your clothes and take a shower and try to forget the parts where you ever left your house.
4:57 Stand nude, dripping for three minutes so as to avoid the stigma of putting pajama pants on before 5:00.
5:00 The clock strikes the best second of the day– you get to put on pants AND it’s cocktail hour? Trifecta! Mix a whiskey and apple soda (Sidral Mundet), sit in your rocking chair, and count your blessing.
5:06 Have another.
5:11 And another. (This rocking chair is getting awfully comfortable).
5:14 All out of Sidral, what’s left? Olive oil? Milk?
5:18 Have another.
8 PM Wake up, it’s too early to go to bed, fall back to sleep.
9:09 Wake up, it, and fall back to sleep.
9:35 You’re sleeping still, you think, but your eyes are open and you can think. You don’t move and in the dark you lie back and recognize every piece of furniture or appliance you can recognize. You give them names. You re-invent the room as you methodically scan it from behind fixed eyeballs. You whisper a few code words/revelations/names that should mean more, all of which you forget when you…
10:27 Wake up for keeps. (Or at least borrows).
10:27 You listen to Carole King’s Tapestry album, three times.
11:41 While placing the pin down for a second spin of the second side, a drop of water forms on the vinyl. It tastes slightly of salt but, after tasting, there is not enough left for you to test its spontaneous composition with your chemistry set. Drop.
11:42 You’ve got a friend.
12:26 You’ve got a friend.