Posts Tagged ‘Stupid’

Five Modes of Standing-Up Comedy

January 8 2010

Five Modes of Standing-Up Comedy, Executed Poorly

Relatable ostensibly; actually Alienating

I waited until I was 24 before I had my first drink, just recently started drinking.

And I think it’s because, when my dad gets drunk, he’s sort of… a cunt.

He is; ain’t such a deal.

He just gets super-critical, and really condescending… puffy.

And those lips— so wet!

That’s what happens when all your worst pejoratives are genital-based.

• • •

Enthusiastic!

Why are people still making macaroni and cheese?

Kraft already make, box, and sell the perfect version.

Done!

Problem solved!

In maths… in maths, 2+2 is four.

It’s not the cube root of 64.

It’s not the number of good Madonna songs.

[Holiday, Borderline, Like a Prayer, and (twist ending) Take a Bow]

Occam’s Razor, simplest explanation is the best— it’s Four./!

This isn’t a maths problem !slash! Stovetop, bitches.

• • •

Popular Cultural Minutiae (Made Unenjoyable)

Forget Team Edward vs. Team Werewolf— Team Shiloh vs. Team Adopted is the new Hollywood Proxy War

See also, the old Hollywood Proxy War “Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie vs. A Lonely, Poorly Represented Team Paltrow, Whimpering Cold Outside the Window”

• • •

Observational. Purely Observational.

Has anyone ever complained about passive-aggressiveness not in lieu of apologizing for being an asshole?

• • •

Political/Paranoiac

[I’ve been researching holidays recently]

Kwanzaa was invented by the CIA in 1957 as a forward-looking contingency excuse to treat black people condescendingly once civil rights no longer need be enforced at National Guard Point. Come 1966, Helms dropped the hammer.

It was a moderate success.

Another Sonnet Except This One Is Genuinely Pointless

November 17 2009

Hockey Rookies 1996

 

Jarome Iginla, Jarome Iginla:

didn’t think you had it in ya.

But you did– you made it happen!

The Big Tree, our first black captain.

 

Sergei Berezin, sacred wing–

his name a mantra– let it ring!

This sniper’s blast, by ray divine,

will find itself inside the twine.

 

Bryan Berard, Rhode Island’s own,

would not have used androsterone

if not for Hossa– rape his corpse!

(Though Todd Bertuzzi needs it worse).

 

But for that year– three princely sticks–

you Kings of Hockey ’96.

 

Stupid Pneumatic Boot

October 22 2009

S T U P I D P N E U M A T I C B O O T !

Give a cripple a rounded heel to walk/fall backwards down the busstairs on? Stupid Pneumatic Boot!

 

Utilize a pump-tightened system of bladders for maximally snug fit while providing no way to gauge constriction save ‘sense of touch’– knowing full well that the vast majority of users have busted feet/ankles that have been, as a result, desensitized to pressure until it manifests as ‘excruciating pain’? Stupid Pneumatic Boot!

 

Inflame my alveoli and fill my lungs with water and phlegm, rendering every [stupid] breath a surprisingly expectoration-based kettle drum recital (some real avant garde, deep Con shit)? Isn’t it hard enough to keep my ankle stationary without adding hork-rich cough-fits to the mix? Stupid Pneumonic Boot

 

Bracco’s Orbs Often Titillate? Stupid Mnemonic BOOT!

 

+1 to Dexterity, an additional +1 for saving throws against Illusions, and the ability to speak to burrowing mammals? My foot’s broken, I’m not RPing Redwall– when the hell am I going to use that? Stupid Gnomatic Boot!

 

How are you supposed to help me walk when you’re hunkered down on the tundra in an oxskin lean-to, living off a subsistence diet of lichens, half-frozen beetle larvae, and tail hair? Stupid Nomadic Boot!

 

Cash My Check, Bank Witch! Stupid Pneumatic Tube!

 

Let me get this straight– I’m supposed to fake the hand-off, then waggle outside the tackle boxes before even starting my reads? And do all this while pistoning up-and-down for no apparent reason? That shit ain’t foolin’ nobody! Stupid Pneumatic Boot!