Posts Tagged ‘That CBS “Special Special Special” logo that they would put before holiday specials.’

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December 21 2011

One, well two, of my most prized possessions are a pair of VHS tapes that have been in my family for generations (assuming we use the more practically applicable definition in which a generation is, like, 7 or 12 years or so– enough time so that your references fly over heads, slang seems genuinely baffling, and the bands of your youth make their accustomed lifestyle money milking the reunion circuit with full album performances of the when people actually liked, or theme cruises, or both (Weezer) or enjoy a disturbing second life you don’t understand amongst folks not even born yet when they originally hit big (Green Day)).

He still looks like a child. An old child.

What Even Is This?

Ahem…

One of my most prized possessions is a pair of VHS tapes basically as old as myself. We got a VCR pretty early and, lucky for me, my parents were pretty into taping things off TV. The Mary Martin version of Peter Pan, Winnie the Pooh, Disney’s demi-live-action trilogy (Mary Poppins,1 Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and Pete’s Dragon), Lady and the Tramp, Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Star Wars, I think those last two may have been me, Superman II But With A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Taped Over Part Of It, and Et Cetera. Anyways, I watched these things into the ground, none moreso than the two tapes upon which we taped All The Christmas Specials (Every Single One Of Them).

The tapes have the All-Timers, the Mega Classics, the Four Lions of Jihad Crossout Font Christmas Cheer, the Oh Wait I Should Have Said ‘The Christmas Mount Rushmore’– Chestnuts!: A Charlie Brown Christmas, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and Frosty the Snowman. Of COURSE they have those —>> O.B.V.I.2

And the next tier down, too: Christmas Eve on Sesame Street , Sesame Street vs. Muppets Christmastime Clusterfuck, A Garfield Christmas Special Might Be Included On This Tier, Also Maybe A Chipmunk Christmas (The One With The Harmonica and ‘Money Money Money’)?, the Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special, and the feel-bad trilogy of the season Mickey’s Christmas Carol.


FEEL GOOD FIRST, then…

Why are they such dicks to their uncle and how did they not all die! Why do Chip and Dale gotta torture Pluto and why doesn’t Mickey believe him! Man’s best friend indeed slash I forgot about the one where Goofy is terrible at skiing! I guess it’s a quadrilogy! And what if my tape cut off when Uncle Scrooge gets sent to hell?! It didn’t, but for someone I bet it did!

The Nightmare Before The Nightmare Before Christmas

Straight To Hell

And then you have your The Night Before Christmas‘s, which I thought was ubiquitous until I was met with blank unknowing stares when I would try to rouse a round of “Even A Miracle Needs A Hand,” as well as your real shitpits like Apparently There Was A Saturday Morning Cartoon Of Snow White And It Had A Christmas Special Of Some Kind, and The Smurfs. But that’s not the point.


What Even Is-er This?

The point is, my parents in taping things off TV were inconsistent about their dedication to skipping the ads. Sometimes this would result in missing entire scenes from a movie so that I didn’t see the credits to Star Wars until those mid-90s re-releases. Other times they would remember thirty seconds into the ad, which would make skipping the ads for future me a real trick (especially pre-VCR-remote). But on occasion they would forego even trying and let every single ad through. I still can’t watch Ghostbusters without expecting that next week ABC will be showing Who’s Harry Crumb?, and I still can’t watch a Christmas special without thinking “Scared Ya! Didn’t I?!”. And That Is Why These Tapes Are The Best


This isn’t what they showed, but the internet doesn’t have what they showed/EVERY STOCK JOKE IN THE WORLD

The following is an anthology of some of the ads I remember from my VHS tapes. Each one is like a time capsule into which I’ve shoved a tiny piece of my heart. It was a poor choice, as for each one you watch you get that heartpiece and I’m down 0.00031% blood refresh capacity. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but it adds up.

 

Playskool Dinosaurs – “Scared Ya Didn’t I?”

Me and my sister can still sing this. Probably not every word– def not that second verse– but both “we can play with them real rough” and “Scared Ya – Didn’t I?” are basically trigger phrases. I hope to never learn/remember for what. Also: that kid sells it real good. Why isn’t he still doing anything? Or is he John C. Reilley now? Stepped in some kind of time pool, maybe, or travelled a light decade and then returned to Earth?

Note: so the guy who posted this video 4 years ago apparently had the exact same experience I had feat. some of the same ads. Sad/no wait, pretend it’s good somehow?

Honey Nut Cheerios – Bob Cratchit Bee

I would have felt much less sympathy for Tiny Tim if he was lived in a wax cell/was a grub. Scrooge was probably in the right– quit mystery dying and get back to work, Bees!

Child World/Children’s Palace – I Couldn’t Find One For Child World/Children’s Palace

I couldn’t find the campaign I remembered for Child World / Children’s Palace where they super heavily featured the castle, but this instead! I actually collected these before he died, so– that’s two-ish!3

Wendys, Apparently – Indoor Tent Safari of World Wildlife Fund Stuffed Animals

The night of their hunt always felt so nightlike, even when watching this during the day, or in college 17 years later. I do miss the amateurishness of child actors circa before Home Alone / I could have sworn this was McDonald’s.

Fruity Pebbles – The Sharing Season

Every so often you should probably just yell at people, “YOUR Pebbles!?” Or say something more applicable but in that voice. “Did you get my enrollment forms I faxed? I really need eligibility so I can get my kids glasses” “YOUR kids!?” Eh. Let’s workshop it / wait for a natural bridge.

McDonald’s – This Star Thing
“We Own The Stars”- McDonald’s
I know I was there, and that I saw it, and that it did actually happen, but I’m still skeptical that Ronald McDonald was ever a thing. How? How come? Why? Why.

Toys R’ Us – I Remember There Being A Seemingly Rather Long Low-Key Version of Toys R’ Us Kid Where Geoffrey Was Wandering Through The Cavernous Halls Of A Toys R’ Us Or Maybe It Was A Dream Because I Can’t Find It

Halls – Of Medicine

This felt real convincing as an ‘other place’ in a time before Packard Bell desktops and when you were dumber than a box of cough drops.

Finally – This One I Didn’t Notice Until Much Later

When editing software gets sophisticated + easy to use enough = this + Tree of Life. Such a smug dance he does, eating them. Even Barry Obama was a sad jerk with an ill-advised halfro once.

Laters

YOUR ill-advised halfro?!?

YOUR (CHRISTMAS) LATERS!?!?

 

 

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1. my favorite movie until Independence Day came along. Well, that and A Coal Miner’s Daughter (also taped off TV)
2. Only Buffoons Voice Inane… shit
3. Number one being (actually pretty nuts) guessing that Christopher Hitchens would die within the next 24 hours in the post I posted on the day Christopher Hitchens died.

O Holy Night Off

December 18 2011

It’s a classic. As beautiful as it is fucking nuts. Pompous as hell, or heaven– whichever one you think is more pompous. Harps are awful gilt, white the most supercilious unicolor design scheme, and have you even heard the names all those angels have? Sure, your Gabes and Mikes aren’t too bad, but Malachi? Seraphim? Sandalphon? Armisael? The One That Was An Eye With Those Goofy Eye Arms That Looked Like It Was Bought In A Lonely Housewife Doo-Dad Shop Circa 1991? Ludwig von Bi-tooven? Space Diamond? Every Single One Of Us I Guess?

"I really hope this isn't what wipes out humanity"

For some reason, no one's yet photoshopped a Santa hat onto Ode to Joy Kaworu...

While a different flavor of pomp from the oppressive tastefulness of Heaven’s gated community Christmas, Hell contrasts as an impressive vanside tableau of ridiculous and overblown production. And just as fussy, with its rings and themed floors and ironic punishments and nonsense hierarchies long that have long outlast whatever logic went into ordering them suchlike. Really…

  •     killing yourself is worse than killing hundreds of people who aren’t you?1
  •     and flattery is worse than either?2
  •     being gay is just as bad as owning and operating a Check Into Cash?3
  •     and checking your horoscope is just as bad as claiming to be the second coming (knowing full well you’re just premature pantsplatter)?4
  •     and dying before the year zero BCAD is just as bad as being a Hindu?5
  •     uh, how come waxing your car is one of the worst things you can do?
Waxy lady

Maybe because it makes you super lustworthy to the tiniest of waisted-dames?

But I digress. Pompousness (third circle, probably?) isn’t such a deal. It can work real well when the performance and tone are up to it. And what mortarboard-free circumstance is more deserving of pomp than the birth of your BabyGod? Maybe some dumb urn? Other than that I can’t think of one. So here’s to “O Holy Night,” the most pompous song about an outdoors birth ever.

!!!O HOLY NIGHT OFF!!!

Round One: Kid Division

Aled Jones

Wow. First out of the box and we’ve got a real front-runner. What a beautiful voice– really makes a shame out of how dumb all those angel names are, and OH. OHGOD. What The Hell Is That?!? Why are you shooting it from that angle? Did it’s tooth just sparkle???? Is that some kind of threat? What’s to stop a man from eating you once he’s shown himself willing and able to eat his own jawline? God, just turn it off. What a disappointment!

A little girl

Eh. That’s fine I guess. It’s def solid. I’m rill worried about those looks to the camera, but at least I didn’t have to watch her turn into the future Quiz Kid Donnie Smith version of herself halfway through the video. Nope. Everything depressing about her adulthood is pure speculation at this point. What a relief-ish!

Winner: A little girl

 

Round Two: Lilith Fair Bracket

Jewel

That is a lot of instruments to do so little, they way underplay the bombast, and Jewel is not a particularly gifted or interesting singer, BUT she is wearing ridiculous leather pants so she’s not totally out of it yet. I’m not number one at fashion, but that can’t be a thing, right? Black top, brown leather pants, black clompity-heel boots? Nothing says Christmas quite like dressing like the water in a paintbrush rinse cup.

Tracy Chapman

Having only heard the first half minute, even though it is entirely ‘ee-ees’ that frankly fit neither the song nor (even) the next four minutes of this version, it’s still better than whatever it was that Jewel did (which was the epitome of forgettable insofar as I have forgotten it). This take might be half a Renn Faire but it’s at least the music half, not the shitty costume half.

Winner: Tracy Chapman

 

Round Three: Opera Nonsense

Celtic Women

Is this opera? I guess I just meant hi-falutin choral stuff. Real heaven-aesthetic tedium. Do they have good voices? I can’t tell. They certainly seem to be able to hit the notes they want to hit and project them, but are those the only criteria you have to meet in order to be considered good at singing in the extended world of People Who Can Actually Sing-Play Music And/Or Are Big Into Proficiency (i.e. real Benaroya Hall types but also musical fans probably (haut & bas))? These ladies flavorlessly achieve a kind of perfection as vanilla and unique as their equally unflattering (and sinless) dresses.6

Some Tenor

A tenor– that’s opera, right? Or at least opry? What exactly is happening on that stage? He’s cheesing it up pretty good, but he’s at least trying at it 103% as if it’s a real Thing to him. Plus he’s got a Marcus Bachmann quality that I find pretty appealing. When he invents a new and different note to explode right before the climax and then through the end, I’m on board. I probably wouldn’t go quite so Baptist as the crowd there about it, but I’d def get on my feet. And of my free will and not just out of socialized politeness even. He wins.

Winner: Some Tenor

 

Round Four: Guitar Bullshit

Trans-Siberian Orchestra

I do not appreciate the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. If I had to rank Orchestras in order of personal preference, it would go: Electric Light, The Young Person’s Guide to the (as narrated by Leonard Bernstein), all regular orchestras, Trans-Siberian, and Control Engine. FUCK Linux.

Weezer(?)

But at least what they do is still something. Unlike this Weezer version, which is nothing. Is this even them? A: It is not anything and therefore it can neither be nor not be them. Fart.

Winner: Trans-Siberian Orchestra

 

Round Five: Late 90s Pop Bubble

*Nsync

… more brown Christmas leather. Is there a tradition I’m missing? Like, some manger C-story about how the cow gave of his own flesh so that the Baby Jesus could have calfskin booties? Did they have cows in the desert? Can you make camel leather?  If not, then what does the middle east have instead of leather? I bet they had oxen. I bet they have ox leather. Fording joke. Anyways, this isn’t so bad. Too many ‘ooh-ooh-ooh’ trill(?)y parts, but they do the job. I like the bass part.

Christina Aguilera

I’m not sure what her hands are supposed to be communicating. Being on drugs, probably. Or just general discomfort and disorientation at having to wear person clothes. She really faces those last few notes out. Maybe schizophrenia?

Winner: *Nsync

 

Round Six: Comedy Option

South Park

Not that funny, but I do enjoy prod humor. The fill / attempt to mask forgetting the words is well-observed. Ugh. I don’t like who I am right now breaking this down. It’s fine!

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip

Studio 60 never fails to crack me up. What crazy antics will their cast of hyper-serious ciphers get up to next! But, um, this version *is* a little worth a damn. Studio 60– Better Than South Park at: Brass Ensembles, Employing John Ennis, and Threatening Amanda Peet With Your Shitty Love.

Winner: Studio 60    [UPSET!]

Round Seven: Divasion (I’m Sorry)

Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston

So they fucked each other pretty sweet and thorough, I guess. Good for them, revisiting young lust in the context of celebrating the birth of the Lord.7 I wanted to like this more than I did. I like Aretha Franklin, I love what of Billy Preston I know, but this is good not great. I guess this song isn’t really a piano showcase, but what’s Aretha’s excuse? I’m not so familiar with her career, was there a sort of washed up stretch and then this was that? Or maybe a throat injury? She is really struggling even to bail on those notes. I guess she could just not care that much. Is she wearing a hair hat?

Celene Dion

As much as I wanted to like the Aretha Franklin/Billy Preston version I wanted to not like this but she does a pretty good job. It doesn’t quite live up to my weird pathological need to have these folks really destroy that big no… oh no, wait. It’s still going. Here it comes… Noel? Ugh. I don’t care for this even a little. Go Back To Quebec!!

Winner: Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston    [PARDONED BY FRENCH!]

 

Round Eight: Croon-off

Nat King Cole

A voice with a quality! What a treat / thank our tiny, slimy, just-unumbilicaled God! Goes polite on “night divine,” more restraint than I want, but class act all the way and an actual unqualified good job at it.

Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae

Olde Timee TV footage: + 8 million points. That Walt Disney lookin’ moustache: +6 million points. The Men Duet Square Shoulder 20 Degree Head In-Tilt: +7 million points. PLUS THEY GO FOR IT.

Winner: Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae    [DETHRONED!]

 

Quarterfinals

Trans-Siberian Orchestra vs. A little girl
That Trans-Siberian Orchestra guy is real good at playing guitar, but that A little girl is equally good at not being in Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Winner: A little girl

Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip vs. Aretha Franklin & Billy Preston
It’s ironic: the version by the all-time great soul singer and the legendary session pianist is funnier than the version from the comedy show (well, show about comedy) while the version from the show that couldn’t Be More disappointing isn’t. Winner: Studio 60

Some Tenor vs. Tracy Chapman
CHASE: CUT Winner: Some Tenor

*Nsync vs. Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae
7 Dudes a-harmonizing. Picture them together, deciding how to run it. *Nsync is definitely arranged in a semi-circle behind these two. Then label people make them change. Then Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae served our country in Word War Fucking II and the only service the *Nsync kids ever did in was -ing Lou Perlman. Also their version is worse. Winner: Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae

 

Semi-Finals

Studio 60 vs. A little girl : There is something that just feels right about Studio 60 getting beat by a 7 year old girl. Winner: A little girl

Some Tenor vs. Ernie Ford and Gordon MacRae : I don’t want to spoil anything, but this is the real finals. Ultimately though, out of all of these versions, only Some Tenor sung the fuck out of it (a) and (b) won me the farthest over. Bonus: on third watch, really loving the piano guy Going For It. THIS is what Christmas is– Fucking Ridiculous and (Selma Jezkova Style) Camera Real Big And Up Out Of The Roof slightly decrepit opulence. Winner: Some Tenor

DANCER IN THE DARK BREAK!

DANCER IN THE DARK BREAK!

 

Finals

And the winner of the first annual “O Holy Night” Off is … Bing Crosby!
C’mon. Are you kidding me?

Bing kills it. Plus you should have suspected something was up when there was a crooner category and it didn’t have him in it. Bing from the rafters, Bing with the folding chair. Der Bingle, from the top rope, or from behind with a belt, beating that song like he provided it with chromosomes.

The ref is too busy watching to care.
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1. suicide = “violent against self”: 7th circle, middle ring; murder = “violent against people and property”: 7th circle, outer ring
2. flattery: the eighth circle’s second ditch on the basis that it is fraudulent; if someone’s B but’s got a saggy gut and bad skin and dumb eyes DO NOT stipulate that they are BW– Your Eternal Soul Depends On It!
3. sodomy v. usury = both “violent against nature” (7th circle, inner ring)
4. astrologers v. false prophets: eighth circle, fourth ditch
5. all unbaptized go (at best) to Limbo regardless of virtue
6. I REALLY didn’t think this thing was going to be so mean-spirited!
7. Note: huh, turns out Billy Preston got arrested for sexually assaulting a 16 year old Mexican boy he hired as a day laborer in 1991. So, I guess I misread that interaction…

What I Got For Christmas

December 28 2009

What I Got For Christmas

† Five pounds heavier1

† SOCKS2

† Sweatier3

† A $25 Trader Joe’s giftcard4

† Home Alone Collectors’ Edition

x Alternate Version: in which Catherine O’Hara Gets Home First (i.e. before Harry and Marv)5

x Two-sided Poster of Mcallister [SP?] House with Trap Layout (Full 1:1 Scale)6

x Alternate Ending: in which The Outwardly-Creepy-But-Secretly-Kind Creepy Old Man Next Door Takes Kevin’s Advice About Calling His Son One Day Sooner (And Is, Thus, Unable To Come To Kevin’s (Incredibly Timely) Rescue) Allowing Harry and Marv To Have Their Revenge7

† Negative one iPod8

† A pair of Milk Chocolate Camo’d Pants9

† Were-Gelt10

† Drunk and Sleepy11

† I don’t mind when Rudolph flies away / Don’t get angry at the gifts that Santa lays12

† Negative any function I had regained in my (fucking) knee13

† Freezerburn / Patellar Frostbite14

† I don’t get angry when my mom’s roast pot / tastes like shit and is hard as a rock15

† Two (2) Masturbatory Fugues16

† An single, airplane-size bottle of whiskey17

† Plus one iPod18

† A Catholic Mass19

† 6 hours of Team Fortress 2 on a functioning, non-convenience-based ISP20

† I want a cat now.21

————————————–

————————-

—————-

——–

1To: Jim From: An Inhuman Lack Of Self-Restraint,

2Esso Si Que Es? / Am quickly on my way to learning Broken, Prank Spanish

3“Open Fire Roasts Chestnuts, Family of Six” / ? / Eh.

4AKA ~ 6lbs of Dark Chocolate Covered Pretzels, DBA Entries-plus-Footnotes #1, 9 Revisited

5Crying, clutching her impaled foot in her blistered hand: “Why didn’t you just call the cops?”

6Machine folded, dense and thin

7Unrated Bonus Footage / Parental Discretion Mandatory

8Or, i2Pod

9See: footnote #1

10Blood Money, paid in Sweet Human Tender / Tender Human Capital (gross)

11Both the state of near-somnolence and my sister’s cat of the same name (Sleepy, not Drunk).

12The presumption here would be that Santa had lain some shitty gifts? (Or that he’s/I’m just severely, aggressively/ridiculously, humorlessly anti-consumerism, and that you’re supposed to just know)?

13On the verge of a breakthrough re: Perpetual Immobility.

14Yet another thing my (fucking) knee has in common with Old, Shitty Meat (tore up, bruised, a complicated relationship with bone, covered in hair)

15Fuck it, fight it / it’s all the same // A half quart of nog’s the only way to stay sane

16A two-to-three hour not-exactly-wakeful state during which you are j’ing o constantly/as if egg donation prices applied– for this morning only– to each individual sperm. Also known as: Lucid Creaming, Wanking Life, Tossed Handway? (Fillwholehand Drive)

17Not the size of an airplane; miniature / 50 ML; illi, not ega

18For a grand total of zero iPods. Wait.

19On my spine– a tumor that, paradolic/rorschachly illustrates the Virgin Mary crowning our Lord and Savior

20Winner

21Something to thoughtlessly-cum-pulsively stroke that doesn’t devolve into #16.

Last Minute Hallowe’en Costume Id’eas [Now with POOR FORMATTING due to WordPress Sucking]

October 30 2009

31. Help people build their costumes.

Did last year’s Halloween party impress you with it’s range of original costumes? I didn’t think so. For every The Joker there was there an equal and opposite Lady Wearing Underpants? How many times did you have to suffer through listening to pinch-faced women in rectangle glasses and an up-do describe the relative proximity of their house to Russia? Were there still nomadic packs of vestigal Austin Powerseses wandering around your house, awkwardly grasping for forgotten catch phrases as they tried to chat up yet another Wonder Woman That Was Born Years After Lynda Carter Hung Up The Lasso Of Truth? You have no idea who they are and you don’t remember letting them in your house– although, in retrospect, it does explain why your walls have been begging you to “behave.” Maybe you can finally stop taking all that expensive Disperidone!1 Things are finally starting to look up for old David Berkowitz. Dun dun dun/TIME PARADOX!

Like the aphorism says, “If you want people to come up with less shitty costumes to wear at your Halloween party, you’re going to have to do it yourself by going on a date to a Halloween Store and telling people what costumes to get (and then hopefully this will be paid forward to people who you know, and can stand, and who will be invited to your party).” So let’s do it, then.

 

What Not To Do

Puns: are a terrible idea. Every year there are two or five self-proclaimed geniuses, or genii, or genies, or genitals. Penis. Who decide to rubix up everybody’s faces with some baffling Mensa test of a costume. And 90% of the time it’s just the constituent words and elements of the thing stuck to, draped over, or painted on some asshole [http://tinyurl.com/yf29qb4, http://tinyurl.com/yjk7akn, http://tinyurl.com/ygurl8t2]. And that’s the best case scenario. The rest of the time we’re supposed to cobble together their clever idea from disparate pieces of and vague references to the parts that represent the elements of the thing that they are supposed to allude to. [http://tinyurl.com/yhhrztn]. A few leaves do not the woods make! It’s an flagrant abuse of synecdoche and I refuse to stand for it! A Black Hefty Bag Covered In Stamps with an Address Label To Which Is Taped A Tiny Easel Supporting A Painting Of Clownface Tim Curry!

“Sure,” you’re saying, “I agree: that shit is The Worst. And I appreciate that you didn’t over-explain that last bit– that you trusted that I would be able to decipher that that costume was the shitty metonymic “pun”-based costume version of that thing you just said. You didn’t condescend to me, and I respect that. But puns on the idea of puns. Uns? THAT”S JUST AS BAD. How am I supposed to use my costume to ruin these jerks?” Don’t worry, friend. I’ve got you covered.

Instead: subtly, obliquely, deep-reachingly, nigh-incomprehensibly, almost-invisbly, not really mock them by going as your favorite Knock Knock Joke. Or, even better, go as my favorite Knock Knock Joke:

Q: Knock Knock

A: Who’s There?

Q: How does Henry Winkler get around Chicago?

A: How does Henry.. what?

Q: He takes the CT-Ehhhhhhhhhh!!!

Just wear a leather jacket, white t-shirt, and tape some old bus passes to it. Then, at the party, talk like The Fonz But With A Chicago Accent, and eat a hot dog with a pickle spear, tomato slice, and hot pepper on it. If they can’t figure it out, it’s there problem.

YOU”RE WELCOME

 

Tips to Improve Obvious/Overused Ideas

Make It From Reams of Felt and Other Tactilely-Compelling Materials: Touch is the best and most underrated sense! Coy costume touches and lingering handrubs can be a prelude to Doin’ It! (Doin’ It is awesome!)!/.

The Whole Cast of Something (That Isn’t Usually Represented By Costumes at a Party):

You want to avoid the latest big success (The Dark Knight, Mad Men, Crystal Meth) but also want to avoid being too insular, niche, retro, or nerdy (Buckaroo Banzai, Northern Exposure, Ketracel-White). Eraserhead is too pretentious! How I Met Your Mother is too generic! What about Everybody Loves Raymond— that would have a nice demi-ironic/slightly sincere inexplicability. Or Space Ghost. Who doesn’t love Space Ghost?3

People Who Were Interesting At A Certain Place and Point In Time, But Who Haven’t Been Played Out Yet: Ditch the Hero (Chesley Sullenberger) and Get with the Zero (Zero Mostel).

Technology Is a Pretty Big Deal These Days: For the love of Gods, don’t be something Twitter-based. Instead, take your costume ideas from Google Searches you’ve done. Unique like Snowflake, the albino celeb-baby of Salman Rushdie and The Ridiculously Hot Lady From Top Chef,4 your search history is a perfect generator for original ideas as long as none of your friends are NSA. Here’s a list-bit!/:

blood thesaurus

1989 chevy astro

linda blair topess

linda blair topless

aspergum family size

birds of the pacific northwest

linda blair with no shirt on

jack nicklauson smash them up

that chick from the Exorcist exposing her breasts5

 

Two Major Costume Concepts (For You To Work With)

1. You at a Different Part of Your Life:

Your in-store goal here is more evangelism than actual construction tips, as it is unlikely the fly-by-night Halloween costume store carries the necessary rat tail or laser backdrop to re-create your Third Grade School Picture. Which brings us to another list(s):

Past Ideas

Third Grade School Picture

Upside: Charming. Rat tails are winners/pussy magnets, laser backdrops doubly so.

Downside: Would probably require [crossout]victim[/crossout] customer to wear a large (very large) and cumbersome piece of foam core board, or paperboard, or cork, or

You, Being Born

Upside: Other than Spaghetti-O’s, most of the stuff you need will be located in-store.

Downside: This is a bad idea, and gross. Use only if the person you are helping seems to be sort of a scumbag.

Your First Kiss/Time/Heartbreak

Upside: Romantical, good for picking up people, ladies in particular (I assume). Maybe not your First Time.

Downside: Need to be a regular Marcel Duchamp to capture and convey a half-hour to forty five minutes of fruitless (and slightly confusing) thrusting, unsure of whether you are even inside or if she just doesn’t want to break the bad news.

A Mistaken Idea You Had About How The World Worked

Upside: Clever A good conversation starter– requires explanation and broaches a topic that people are inclined to indulge themselves in deeply: nostalgia, their own stupid lives, and memories. Speaking of which…

You, Lying In Bed At Night, Realizing Exactly What Death Means

Upside: There is no upside.

Downside: You have to spend the night thinking about how, at some point, you will no longer be able to think about no longer being able to think; life will continue and yet you won’t be able to partake in it, or even realize it is happening.

Future Ideas

Your Face When You Realize That Social Security Ain’t Got Nothing For You

You can either go as the actual full-body face (think lots of papier maiche, plaster of paris, or, if you’re rich, human skin) or as you, yourself, on that fateful day when you realize you’ve been gipped! By the government!

You, On Your True Love’s Wedding Day (To Somebody Else)

An off-color tux, or cheap suit, strategically disheveled to convey the act of Drunkenness. Fake tears to get in character any time somebody asks what you’re dressed as. Do Not Tell Them– turn away, apply the tears, then turn back around and knock them out with your teeth grit and terse visibly insincere toast. Or off-key rendition of the first six bars of “Alison” (before being tackled/escorted away).

The Electoral Map in 2036

So much burnt umber…

You, In The Grave, Open Casket (Casket Optional)

Make sure to capture the unreality of the best efforts of the mortuary restorative artist to dampen your creeping rictus with visibly thick layers of ‘naturalistic’ makeup; make sure to look a little bit like a life-size plasticine action figure of your own damn self.

The Happiest Day of the Rest of Your Life

Picnic blanket, some felt that represents a sunny day that turns, out of nowhere, to a light rainstorm, forcing your party to scramble for shelter; try to imagine what your spouse and child(ren) will look like and recreate that shit in photoshop or sock puppetry. What game will you play while you pass the time in the dugout / eat the picnic in your car?

2. Someone Else You Know at a Different Part of Their Life:

Now’s your chance to stick it to those faggots. That’s right– in this scenario you, or the person you are helping, are a creepy bigot with weird and ineffectual ideas about vengeance. Well get ready for your imaginary enemies to squirt blood tears, because here come some real gay-bashers!6

What about that Ex who decided that, instead of being in love with you, what they loved was Anything Else. No one can break up with you and get away with it! THINK OF THE PRECEDENT THIS IS SETTING. How will the ladies and/or fellas know that your genitals are a formidable pleasure factory, virtually guaranteed to flood their light red district with enough blood to deprive their brain of proper function, thus rendering them totally pliable to your gross ideas of where tongues should go?7 DON”T LET THEM TRIFLE WITH YOUR GENTLENESS! Don’t let months of diligent wiping go to waste. Show everyone just how rash and unwise your former paramour is when it comes to making major life decisions by going as Their Bank Statements.

Step one – Find out where they are keeping their financial records

Step two – Breaks into those shits

Step three – Fasten them to your nude, throbbing litheness using spare fluids and juices you find in their room/bed.

How will they be able to trust his/her bodily opinions once they find out they wasted six grand on lapdances / It’s their own fault– they should have shredded their financials twice if they didn’t want everyone to know how much they spent at Sur le Face, their social security number!

Who do your parents think they are, telling you when to shower, how clean your room should be, and where and where not to post your address, ADT pin number? If you Go as Someone Willing To Drink Anything Given To You, No Questions Asked, then you can finally show them how much the boss of you they are not!8

How about that who thinks they’re hot shit but they’re really just cold diarrhea? Show them that they are Number Two by dressing up as Your Worst Enemy When They Realize That– As Someone Who Had The Misfortune Of Marrying Someone With The Grossest Pecadillo– This Is Your Life Now: Recreating, Photographically, Every Urban Dictionaried Sex Act For Display On The Internet. Sure, you might be Number 2,459,012,737– but at least you’re not projected to one day rock a doo-moustache for a living. At least no one will ever believe you were the grinning recipient of a Nunavut Birthday Cake. Win!

1The unfortunately named Risperidone generic.

2Technically, she would be (a) Serial/Cereal Killed…

3A: No one worth knowing.

4Gael Greene– is it just me?

5Bonus Fact!!: if you type “average” in the Google bar of your brower, the top suggestion is “average penile length.” It is six slots ahead of “average weight for women,” showing, once and for all, whose deck the “media-based body image” card should be in. (A: Dudes with tiny dicks).

6Scenarically speaking, of course.

7“In your Whathole?”

8~ 36ml not!