Posts Tagged ‘The children are our future’

Things To Tell Your 6-months Old Child

March 21 2010

Things to Tell Your 6 Months Old Child (To Turn Their Subconscious Into A Ticking Time Capsule)

– The unabridged play-by-play of their conception1

– The list of women you would have preferred been their mom instead2

– Suicide Attempt War Stories3

– Nursery Marker-Party: detail a list of their inadequacies, the ways in which they have failed to live up to your dreams of having a child4

– The results of the spreadsheet you made calculating exactly how much their life is worth to you/on the black market5

– Get all those compliments/I love yous out of the way– one lump sum67

– A safari through the entire breadth of things he can look forward to J’ing O to/the horrible list of fetishes with which she may have up to put8

– Sing the entire Bjork catalog in one 7 hour caged sit9

– Then all the remixes10

– Our shared history of genocide, holocaust, and rape as a military tactic11

– Relate last night’s Tonight Show in exhaustive detail– punctuating each monologue joke with violent fake laughter, acting out every Jaywalker in full grotesque, sockpuppeting the mostly-supportive ambivalence of Kevin Eubanks12

– Ask them for help with your crossword and then shame them when you figure out the clue without their help; DOMINATE at Jeopardy!131415

– (Weeping) calculate, out loud, exactly how much they will cost you (in TVs)1617

– A litany of your most shameful moments– both secular and sexcapadic18

– All your bigamy dreams, Johnny Appleseed-sowing contingency plans19

– Water the Family Tree (With Blood)20: all the ways your daddy wronged you and all the wrongs you plan on visiting upon him/her.

– Intel: prep your child on the family it is entering and each members’ deficiencies, massively damageable weakpoints21

– All the dirty secrets– what’s in our water, where our meat comes from, how big an asshole John Lennon was/all their heroes will be22

– The Myriad Fallacies of the Load-Bearing Fallacies of our Nation’s History and Culture2324

– How bad it is going to hurt to watch you die25

– LOST spoilers26

– The Enormity of Existence27

– Pre-Apologize28

– Your best guesses as to who’ll stop the rain, what the secret ingredients to Dr. Pepper are, where the wild things are, when America will slide into outright fascism, why fools fall in love, how the world will end2930

– Your clumsy erotic prose3132

– Poormouth dogs in a selfish attempt to have cats as a pet six years from now33

– Your anxieties that you will cry when he cries, laugh when he cries34

– To shove it35

– Cusses. All of them. Every Cuss. Over and Over.36



1“Now I know she doesn’t look it, but your mom is such a prodigious swallower it’s a wonder we had you at all!”

2Theresa, Jane, Carson, Lauren Graham, Beatrice, Kendra from Accounting, That One Bus Driver Who Was Surprisingly Hot, Kate Winslet, The Beautiful Giantess Who Jogs Down By The Library, A Sentient Pair of Breasts, Fiona Apple…

3“Your daddy is like a scientist– a scientist who is bravely trying to pinpoint the exact limit at which shame metastasizes into grief/prescription drugs stop being nice and start getting real”

4Not nearly as eloquent as that baby on the stock-buying commercials; suckling a major breastkill; just sort of sits there (and has the thighs to prove it– yeesh); can ‘just tell’ its gay…

51.67 my own; 0.91 my wife/$48,016.81


7That’s it

8And by safari I mean my search history: read it and weep

9Their first steps? Desperate lunges towards the iPod/Staaa-teoof EEE-mRRRrrrR-gyeenn-cyyYYy

10Medulla throat techniques should come in handy for furious barrages of clicks and wanks

11“…and so we move on to the fall of Carthage” [Four Days In]

12I for one would watch a Tonight Show where Jay Leno got so low-down he replaced everyone on staff with sock puppet versions of themselves

13“Has to be in the form of a question, stupid– Negative 1000! BLAMP: Who is Copernicus!”14

14“Yes! 1000 smackers!”15


16A 704 inch 26,640p Plasma Nanoscreen RDTV17

17In which the Plasma in question is Unicorn blood; RD = Re-Definition– the power of human vision pales in comparison to the intravenous experience of 58 feet of Unicorn blood coursing through your eye veins

18Forgot the words to my jokes and just sort of stood there (and have never made myself vulnerable since) [secular]; Sometimes when I would be sexing around with my first girlfriend she would start to laugh; I never found out why (but have never made myself vulnerable since) [sexcapadic]; I tried to give a girl I liked a twizzler on the last day of third grade (as if that were a romantic gesture); she refused and I have never made myself vulnerable since [both]

19Johnny Papaseed?

20Or piss

21This [hold up picture] is your dad [the picture looks exactly like the holder] his weakness is pop-culture references, memes, wordplay, puns, and crippling bouts of wrist-pondering self-doubt

22So big he distended to the power of 12 power bottoms

23Slavery: Our Original Sin– How It’s Inclusion Made Our Country Possible, How It’s End Marked The Beginning of Federalized Homogeneity, Oh And How (Fucking) Horrifying That Is; How Laws Are Made: Favors, Pork, Coercion, and New Innovations in Disingenuity <TOO HOT for SCHOOLHOUSE ROCK>; Religion: The Violent Gay-Bashing, Science-Denying, Kid-Fucking Death Throes of Impending Obsolescence; Monogamy: Everybody Cheats (Even Your Parents)*

24*Especially Your Parents

25Pretty bad

26Spoiler Alert: it’s probably not worth it

27Relative to their puny body, life

28“I’m sorry I missed your induction into the Water Polo Hall of Fame; I was very busy being President of the Roller Coaster Appreciation Society but that is no exCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSEEE!” Wave hands in the air, screaming

29Richard Nixon (eventually); Vanilla, Nutmeg, Prunes, and White Tiger tears;30 got addicted to chicken soup with rice, caught leaf smut, and fucked themselves to death in a dendrophilic fervor (their bodies are now stored in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX); 2026; even fools are human, son; highly communicative spore of leaf smut finds its way into world’s soft drink supply

30Why do you think there are so few of them? All the rest are in a subterranean warehouse in Waco, TX

31“”And that, I’ve found, is how the world works– you get banged, and then you whimper.” And then, swift like a PCF, she zipped shut my eyeslot and proceeded to scorch my earth.”32

32Two sentences starting with ‘and’ in a row. Jesus.

33“Sure, dogs are ok I guess– if you like picking up poop with your bare toes! *look down at diaper failure* Oh. Well, unlike cats, dogs don’t come with a free portrait of President Abraham Lincoln! *tug tug*”

34I mean, really, half the time when they tantrum it has to be (fucking) hilarious (but laughing at that (shit) would drive them insane)

35Also: sit on it, cram it, skip it, bop it, twist it, pull it, [digitized scream], put a sock in it, put a ring on it, shake it like a polaroid picture, shake it like a british nanny, shake it like candy’ll come out, shake it like an aging belly dancer with a wristjowl full of (shitty) bangles, don’t fight it: feel it, suck it followed by a setting off fireworks and crossing your hands defiantly down upon your suckables

36Crimson and Clover and Cuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcuntcockcunt


Things To Do With A Child (Who Is Your Property)

February 20 2010

Because If You Don’t Teach Them They Might Become Feral

– Test Raymond Scott’s Soothing Sounds for Baby to see if they actually work (spoiler alert: they do not)

– Recreate the cover of Off the Deep End… Except With A Baby!

– White Album the SHIT out of them

– Have it do a “First Steps + 3 mos” dance while you James Brown a “BabybabybaBAY BabybabybaBAYY”

– “I should probably learn an instrument or language so I can teach it to it”

– Teach it all the States, Presidents, Pokemon, and Elvis Costello Albums in chronological order

– Teach it Fake Cusses– not made-up ones, but, like, get all pissed and heartbroken when it says “funnel,” proscribe “sweater”

– Teach it how to read through literacy-driven scavenger hunts. If instead it uses its wiles to outfox having to read the clues, at least it will grow up crafty

– Teach it how to sew. It’ll come in handy if it ever gets LOST

– Teach it how to shop. Coupons are the funnest game their is: write up a list and add up a retail price; let it circulnavigate the city for the best bargains. Keep the change, you thrifty animal!

– Teach it how to bake. It’s REALLY not that hard

– Tie it up and place it in peril to REALLY see if it can excape knots

– Who’s Daddy’s Li’l Excape Artist or Future Bondage Superstar/Prodigy?

– You are!

– Hallowe’en Costume = Baby John Hodgman

– Only video game it’s allowed to play? Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES.


– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Beatles Baby Battles

– Befriend 3 other parents and make Baby Batter

– Ew.

– Feed it nothing but Grill Cheese for 6 weeks straight

– Have shots/drinking contest — me: whiskey, it: apple juice

– Ludens, not Halls; Dimatap, not Triamenic. Chewable Children’s Tylenol (Both Kinds).

– Gaslight it!

– Into what?


– A healthy mix of hot and cold lunch

– Teach it about Stats, and the belts, gloves, and hats that bestow them in Bonus

– Get it some kind of Jr. Field Recorder so it can record sounds

– Teach it about Hits, and why you’re such a good parent for not (ab)using them

– Teach it about Misses, you can’t succeed if you don’t try

– Teach it about Hits,

– Teach it about Misses, show it Chungking Express over and over again, and In The Mood For Love; show them that scene where you think cross-cut events are chronologically concurrent but they end up being days or hours apart to devastating effect. I think it might have been… The Wire? Silence of the Lambs? The Shield? Dark Knight had it sort-of-not-really but it’s not that.

– Teach it about HITS, VSM, Okapi, TLS, and CDR

– Teach it about Misses, Juniors, Petites, Talls, and BBWs

– Teach it about Hits, each time it looks at something on the internet the person who wrote it gets a smile

– Either one appears on their face, or someone smiles at them

– Even if they’re alone

– (They break in

– (Haven’t really worked it all out yet))

– Oh, also teach it about seratonin (1) and (2) twisting and shouting

– Remember to heal my knee so we can dance a lot

– And let’s see if I can dig up one of those Kermit Keyboards

– Have an old couch for the express purpose(s) of being jumped on, forts– probably a mattress too

– Preferably not too soiled

– Teach it that wetting the bed isn’t the worst thing you can do by telling it about the Huang He, or Yellow, River– if it weren’t for little kids who peed the bed millions of Chinese would die of famine and drought

– Desperately try to reign in that torrential lesson by telling it how peeing the bed every night leads to the murderful floods that earned the river the colloquial name “China’s Sorrow”

– Teach it about “Tears in Heaven” without realizing that it will play like a threat

– Draw up a map of the human genome for it to play on

– Or, failing that, at least the autonomic plexuses

– PUNish It– it can’t leave that step until it apologizes through wordplay

– Don’t name it Paul or it will never learn

– Don’t name it Apollo because It Is Your Child And You Love It

Lesson Plan #26

November 10 2009

One Day You Will Die and that Death Is For Real (And Not Pretend)

An Educator’s Reference Desk Lesson Plan

Submitted by: Sister Daisy Podaidae


Date: March 31, 2009


Where are your students going?: To discover humanity’s terrible secret.

How are they going to get there?: One way or another (barring pre-recognition “sudden death”).

How will you know when they’ve arrived?: When the read out on their Mental Dolorimeter strikes Exquisite Anguish/Bullet Ant of the Mind (on the Voight-Schmidt Sting Index).

Grade Level: 2nd Grade.

Subject: 2nd Grade.

Duration: One (1) class day.


Description: Teach your students that one day they will die and that death is for real.


– Instill recognition of mortality, the resulting value of scarce time, experience and opportunities
– Cultivate practical/applicable notion of infinity, finity, and the stark, terrible smelling difference between the two
– Make those sonsanddaughtersofbitchesandbastards squirt blood tears


– How is this different than goals?
– Is it less abstract, more checklist based?
– Make those sonsanddaughtersofbitchesandbastards sit through this and do it.


– Obituary Section of Local Paper
– Boombox w/ Dual-Cassette Deck
– Radio Station that plays All the Hits of the 50s, 60s, and 70s
– Audio Cassettes– enough for everyone in class (optional)
– Mental Dolorimeter (and all necessary electrodes, wires, bindings)
Labyrinths, by Jorge Luis Borges [El Hacedor? The Book of Sand?]
– Ten (10) gerbils
– Ten (10) knives
– Sensory Deprivation tanks (enough for everyone in class) with Internal Intercom
– Or, barring the budget for SensDep, Those Gel Filled-Blindfolds– enough for everyone in class
– and A Whole Bunch Of Sleeping Bags (extra-padded, with that glossy-ish ripstop exterior shell)– enough to cover, completely, the floor.


Adenosine-5′-triphosphate: a nucleotide that, when no longer produced by the non-functioning brain, causes rigor mortis.
Autolysis: the destruction of a cell by its own enzymes; it is a vital aspect of creating excellent champagne.
Ballistics: the study of the motion of bullets.
Cadaveric spasm: or cataleptic rigidity, a non-rigor stiffening of the muscles that occurs, rarely– usually during violent deaths. A picture of Jerri Blank’s dad.
DNR: Get Out of Coma Free card.
Euthanasia: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
Free Radical: a substance of interest in the case of “How do we Age?”
Glaister Equation: Hours Elapsed since Death = (98.4 – rectal temperature) / 1.5
Gomphertz-Makeham: law by which risk of mortality increases exponentially with age.
Homeostasis: a system that regulates itself in order to maintain stability, order and balance.
Lime: a rock that dissolves human bodies.
Luminol: chemical that is capable of detecting blood, no matter how good you clean it.
Mammalian Diving Reflex: blood is diverted from all organs to the heart and the brain when the face (and just the face) is submerged in cold water, conserving oxygen
Mummification: a corpse whose organs and skin were preserved by an ancient recipe and then bandaged to lock in all eleven secret herbs and spices; DO NOT TAKE ITS JEWELS!
Pathologist: sexy mystery-solving doctor/YYYYYYyyyyyeaaAAAHH!
Pro Patria Mori: loving your country so much you gutter, choke, drown; fumble, as if in lime.
Rigor mortis: one of the stages of death in which absence of adenosine triphosphate causes the corpse to become stiff and difficult to move.
Senescence: even if nothing happens, even if you are the healthiest person on earth, you will still die anyways AS A MATTER OF COURSE.
Serology: the science of serums in the bloodstream.
Thanatos: the death-seeking better half of Eros in Sigmund Freud’s early 20th century neurology fan fics.
Turritopsis Nutricula: the lone exception; the jellyfish turritopsis nutricula is biologically immortal and, unless killed, will not die. Instead, after reproduction, it has the ability to revert itself back to polyp stage, thus recurring its life. “The Beginning is The End is The Beginning,” indeed, Mr. Corgan!


Instructor-led Introduction: Read to students from Borges. Break their brittle little minds with the weight of infinity; leave them susceptible to recognizing death.

Small Group Activity: Divide the class into ten groups, ideally of 2-3 students per group. Give each group a gerbil. Give each group a map of the gerbil with 3 spots marked.

If the students execute your incisions according to the diagram, the gerbil shouldn’t die until each student has had a chance to claim a hand in its passing.

Until you recognize– in action– your ability to take life, how can you weigh seriously you own mortality?

Listening Activity: Using the boombox, tape beforehand a collection of the best death songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. This includes, but is not limited to: “Leader of the Pack,” “Tell Laura I Love Her,” “Last Kiss,” “Ode to Billie Joe,” “Seasons in the Sun.” “In The Year 2525,” while not strictly speaking a death song, certainly overwhelms the brain with notions of infinity, human extinction, and the fact that even by the first date they mention Everyone You Know And Love And Could Possibly Ever Know Will Be Long, Long Dead. Bring this tape to class and play for students.

For a better, more easily studied experience, use the second tape deck in your boombox to make a copy of the tape for each of the students.

Whole Group Sharing: While the children are at recess, move the desks and chairs and line the floor with the unzipped sleeping bags. Distribute the masks at a child-size interval. Turn out every light and shut the blinds. Make the room slightly too cold or too warm, whichever it wasn’t outside.

Once they return, instruct your students to lie on the floor and put on the mask or enter their SensDep units and turn on the intercom.

Read to them the following:

When you are dead you will no longer be able to partake in physical existence, but neither will you be able to observe.

You will be dead

but you will be unable to recognize your death.

Your consciousness will cease to create,
and your synapses cease to fire,
but you will be unable to acknowledge this absence.

Stop to think:
Think about being unable to think about being unable to think.
Think about the fact that the world, which until this point had existed only in your conception of it–
only in your persisting observation of its existence–
will not stop existing.

The world which had continued while you slept, to have changed upon your waking, will continue to continue while you can no longer sleep, will still have changed while you can no longer awake to observe its new condition–

People will still lead lives, even the people you know.

You will be unable to receive any feedback about these lives.
You will be unable to receive any feedback, period.
Your story finished, the myriad stories still unraveling will continue to unravel.
Try to think about thinking about these lives.

Try to think about your inability to think about them.

Think about every single life, every single observable phenomena, even those occurring off-screen, happening to the distant kin of friends of friends you never had.

The darkness when you close your eyes, sans the softness of the pillow.

The abdication of heft that your body relents once it climbs under the covers,

sans the softness of blankets.

No comfort, no constraint; not even the feeling of your eliding eyelids placing you there, in sleep:

All that remains is the stasis of body, now permanent, and the loss of thought that


None of this will actually disappear; all of this will exist, but not for you.

End of Thought Exercise

Give it a minute to sink in.
Maybe read it again.

Cosplay: Lighten the mood at the end of the day by having the students dress up as their favorite stage of death!/:

Pallor mortis – paleness that occurs 15-120 minutes after death
Livor mortis – a purplish red discoloration of the skin that occurs due to the heart ceasing to pump blood (starts 20 minutes – 3 hours after death, reaches maximum lividity 6-12 hours)
Algor mortis – steady reduction in body temperature until body matches ambient temp.
Rigor mortis – without ATP (Adenosine triphosphate), the body’s muscles cease to be manipulatable, become stiff
Decomposition – when the tissues of the dead organism break down and return the body’s borrowed matter back to Life; occurs in four phases
Fresh/Autolysis: first few days after death, homeostasis ceases and autolysis begins; acids, gases, and volatile organic compounds are produced; flies.
Putrefaction: odor, color change, bloating; hair sheds, skin becomes slippery, bacteria invades, ditto flies (moreso than before).
Decay: the body cavity ruptures, gases escape and color darkens; bones start to reveal themselves; increased diversity of flies and their children; wax and mummification.
Dry: have you seen the Ghost of John? Long white bones with the last of the soft-tissue removed from the body (Ooh, ooh…)
Skellington – (…oohooh ooh ooh-ooh) wouldn’t it be chilly with no skin on?

Costumed play allows students the Tralfamadorian experience of being their once-and-future selves, alive and dead, in communion.


Useful Internet Resources:

That Budd Dwyer video

Other Resources:

Faces of Death 1, 2, and 4
“Get a Room,” by Jim O’Rourke

What To Do While You Are In Bed, Alone, At Night:

– Cry
– Listen to the tape you made
– Fully embrace your loved one/one you’re with taking bodily note of the entire fullness of the hug, that no further constriction will result in increased proximity, and that soon enough one of you will stop
– Oh no wait, you are by definition alone.