“Kraft defends Cadbury bid; says world has changed since Mars-Wrigley”
How The World Has Changed Since Mars-Wrigley (April 28, 2008):
% Candy bars now freshen breath, clog intestines!
% Chicago Cubs now play home games on Red Planet!
% God of War can literally kick ass and chew bubble gum! And he has plenty of gum!!
% Black President!
% Packs of baseball cards come with fun size Snickers, are ruined the minute they’re sealed!
% Can finally take Charms down a peg or two with Blowtwix!
% A punch-drunk Arnold Schwarzenegger implores Californians to get their ass to the Northside!
% Even though I keep telling him that the Cubs moved to Mars!!
% This is stupid!
% Pedigree presents: Big Dog Chew!
% Popped bubbles cause 18% uptick in nougat-related eye injuries!
% See because they are known for making two different, but also similar, but different things!!
% Bubble Tape primed to come back—now studded with uncooked Uncle Ben’s Minute Rice!
% M&Ms Yellow and Red pair with Doublemint twins for year’s craziest CGI sex tape!
% Everyone agrees it’s JK Simmons most viscerally erotic turn since Oz!!
% Torture still de-facto legal!
% Whiskas put ‘cat’ back in Catalina Island, when twenty million cans of it were used to lure all North American cats there so our nation’s grossest scientists can finally start work on the live-action documentary Zoobilee Zoo!
Q: Where is Sammy Sosa?!
% Will likely provide some ineffective, but extant, changes in nation’s approach to fighting climate change!
MY B!! THAT”S HOW THE WORLD HAS CHANGED SINCE WAXMAN_MARKEY!!!!!!!!!!rails