Posts Tagged ‘What kind of thoughts I’ve got.’

50 Songs I Liked This Decade (The Zeroes)

December 21 2009

50 Songs I Liked This Decade

feat. Overly Sincere Commentary Genuinely Proffered (straight into a vacuum)


If I had a band we would close every show with a 26 minutes long version of this song. We would have to schedule our shows a week apart because by the end our voices would have ditched our throats for shouting “No RUUU-LES” for 19 minutes straight.1


” Ignoramuses – enlist and sound dumb / Found ’em drowned in cows’ dung – crowns flung // Rings a tinkerbell – sing for things as frail as a fingernail” The perfect ending to a pretty quality decade. “Civil liberties – these little titties’ abilities riddle me / Middle C – [shotgun blast, throatclear]”


Best song about blowjobs ever?2


One of those songs that remind you of a (specific) person and you have no idea why.3 “Hang your holiday rainbow lights – in the garden ” I am and will always be a sucker for last songs; it is probably my best feature.


In an alternate universe of my omnipotent preference, an predominately a capella TV On The Radio doesn’t abandon the songs of theirs I like.4 It pleases me greatly.


As dark as a thing can be, pretty much, but breathless in it’s denouement.56 Wish to hell there were more like it. / “And the night’s getting longer…”7


In between all this death, preparation for disappointment life.


Like a hallway full of ghosts, I’m obviously running out of things to say.8


Meek, boastful; could be any of five or six others from that album, but the electric organ(?) sample(?) wins the day.


Upholding the proud tradition of Rock and Roll songs that trump hypersincere, almost humiliating lyrics by way of pure, unchained melody comma awesomeness. I LITERALLY LOVE IT TO THE MAX!9

40. KID A

What a worthful little nubbin of a song!10 Like the denouement of an old Japanese proverb, even I’m not sure what it means!11


But little did I know, they knew. They knew. Slash speaking of weak points (two songs from now)– the stringing together and playing out of alternate futures, comparable lives.


I feel a little guilty putting this before anything, let alone a song I genuinely love (if in small bursts). But, I mean, seriously: as clever as a thing can be and as perfectly integrated a reward as you could ever want or hope for. “I think I prefer to stay inside” even elicits a small heart break. HOW CAN THAT BE??12


Snaps + Disembodied Calvin Johnson Voice + Effusive and Bottomless Romance = Massively Damaged Weak Points.


Tikki Tikki Timomanon. Also: ?


Separated, at birth, from “I Don’t Really Love You Anymore”; a full-fledged partner in the school of ostensibly, falsely upbeat songs starring absolutely devastating, unassuming lines hidden somewhere in the back.13


Epic + (Fucking) Ridiculous = Sublime.

The Dissolution Between Sincerity and Irony.


Just a pretty, quiet song.


The perfect, wist-resisting, ‘giving up of youthful notions of romance/passion’ complement to “I Know,” aka The Best Song Ever Written.14


Do you believe in something beautiful that can never be?


12 Solid Minutes.


Remember being so nervous about being alive/being in public that, rather than work customer service, you would want to plow your station wagon into a telephone pole? Use (or have used) this to calm yourself down enough to make it one piece.15

28. IRENE#?16

More ghosts. Immaculate ones, though. Spectres, really. Or shades.17

Sneak into bed with a pre-ordained loved one (romantical, not familial) and kiss them on the neck while they are sleeping. Record their dreams in the morning, scientifically methodical. Later: fuck, dumpy and cumbersome, in the shower.18


Why won’t America’s Greatest Living Songwriter (Lady Division) write more songs?19 I miss that stupid age when she at least put albums out every 5 years or so.


Pure pop gold. Hits that honeycomb hideout inside your mind where endorphins are made. Or whatever chemical = happiness. Seratonin? Is that different? Brain Juice.20


Reminds me of when I could only run for minutes at a time

“I thought I had a pebble in my sock

I pulled it off and shook out a wasp

that stumbled out lost

and unstung as I was

Still I stomped it”


Makes me want to whisper secrets21 into trees.


I saw God’s shadow on this world,

OR The dissolution of irony and sincerity.

Could go on for another six minutes and I’d be fine with that.

/I hope, live, they Sister Ray’d/No Rules In The Animal Kingdom’d it out to a half hour or so.


Q: Is there a better song to run to?

A: A few, but not many.2223

Also: wall to wall story, crafted in miniature (with exquisite detail) and then spat shouted, unrelenting.


That one idea again.24

20. MAPS#

A pneumatically raising and lowering spinning platform on which the most attracted-to-whom person you’ve ever known is begging for you to join (them).25

19. DAY

Steady and effortlessly grasping that slightness of being. “It’s still day, though”. Sort of makes me wish I were an (for real) adult.


ΑScientifically proven to make even the most depleted feet run at least 46% faster. 112% if you’ve been dogging it. IT IS NAMED AFTER WHAT IT LITERALLY IS!!!!!!!!!Ω


As fragile as a thing can be, pretty much.


Restraint plus craftsmanship plus non-trivial slightness.

Equals if Raymond Carver had a beautiful manvoice,

an immaculate guitar carved from an ice swan.26


“Think of me as just a fan / who remembers every dress you ever wore”27


If only for– after making it through all those hype-ridden, web-scouring, 56k live track collecting months– the moment that (on the way back from Richie’s) I put the disc in the car’s CD player and those first notes completely filled the car and washed |soothingly|28 over everything.


Makes me envious of my past self/ves– who had legs to race with, a car in which to swerve/cut off Pennsylvania highway suckers.

85 miles per hour, at least.


Probably placed to high, but seriously. More Beyonces, fewer Ladies Gaga or Sovereign.2930


A little bit breathless, but I could sooner denounce it than I could my own (stupid) geometry.31


As effective a spiritual as any hymn; as affective of death as the most fire-breathing sermon.


I would trade a dozen Yankee Hotel Foxtrots for this song plus (the song) “Summer Teeth” and feel like I’d completely ripped off my imaginary trading partner in this odd scenario where the appreciation of music is exclusionary and combatative, and the songs themselves mutually exclusive scarce resources the value of which NEEDS TO BE QUANTIFIED.

Protip: If you can manage to time it so that, while waiting for your race to start, exactly the first one minute and fifty-eight seconds of this song elapses, you are GUARANTEED at least a third place finish3233


And our parents’ bedrooms and the bedrooms of our friends.


Somehow continues(, in spite of all odds,) to defy overplay. Scientists in labs around the country puzzle over it, hope to isolate its singular charm to use as a preservative for the Infinitely Enjoyable Aesthetically Engineered Pop Songs Of The Post-Milennium.34


The song you35 hate to admit (freely, in public, on a poorly attended blog) was written about you. Fine– I’ll confess!/: I was the man on the grassy knoll– aka “lying in the reeds”– okay? God. Vultures…

I actually, honestly, do feel a (little) bit better now.


Sometimes a song is perfect just by concisely, succinctly expressing/being what it is. Just by being unable to be improved upon. All the right imperfections/all the imperfections of life itself.36


A sort of synecdoche, in which the whole is represented/embodied by the element or the part: this song bronzes my heart, disallows me from ever feeling anything other than this.3738


A perfect pop song with an exquisite gimmick/bit that makes you wonder how it wasn’t already come-up-with. Completely Refreshing (and good to run to).


The fastest sixteen-and-a-half minutes in music.39 When Bill Callahan comes in on “bones” my heart skips. I mean, more than the slight murmur it usually does.


All the best comedy is ineffable.40

“…Makes me forget / all of the steakhouse – small dancefloor dancing / makes me forget – all the co-workers groping / to “We’ve Got Tonight” / Yeah? – But we’ve also got families” vs. “I was lying on a pile of coats – my face painted ‘Happy Birthday’ / It was a conceptual joke: – it was nobody’s birthday”

This decade’s “Summer Teeth”/ as frail as a fingernail.





1As singularly vicious a set of lyrics as there has ever been and yet completely freeing. Pretty sweet.

2Eat it, “Big Girl”!

3Oh wait, it’s (exactly) because of “Let me come over I can waste your time – I’m bored”

4i.e. Also “Mr. Grieves”

5pretentious, but true all the same

6also, not so much breathless as in “effusive” but as in “sucks all the air from the room, you chest”

7/”And you try to move towards her…”

8were written on shuffle, you know

9give or take 40 songs or so


112 much!

12impeccable craftsmanship, extremely well-cast voice talent; remarkable context

13“I don’t dare to touch your hand – I don’t dare to think of you / In a physical way – and I don’t know how you smell” (emphasis mine). As in an explosive deposit of emotionally crippled and crippling emphasis.

14Non-“God Only Knows” Division

15Ditto “Your Cover’s Blown”

16If not, I’m saving it


18“I love your thighs, and your catapult, and your elision of laughter”

19Is she plotting regicide? Someone Paypal Stephin Merritt some bodyguards!

20Mind Honey

21that I wasted my life constructing

22“At Least That’s What You Said,” “I Found Out,” “No Dancing,” maybe “Grass,” maybe “Reach Out, I’ll Be There,” and, OF COURSE, Hall of Fame Closer “Power Supply” (aka “The Mariano Rivera of Songs”

23respect against one’s own rooting interest = twice to six times as valuable

24|Luckily|, I am still, and forever will be, the same

25Your milage will, likely, vary

26“But do you know what Nicole had to sell to Scientology in exchange for all that stuff? Her vagina, Katie. She had to sell her vagina to Scientology, where it’s being cryogenically frozen in the world’s largest ice swan.” – Jessi Klein

27Just a bad comedian

28again, the absolute value of “soothingly”

29does she even apply here? I couldn’t think of another possibly applicable “Lady”/I mean, definitely fewer “Lady Marmalade (2001)”s– but shouldn’t that go without saying?

30No. “More Beyonces, fewer Ladies Gaga, Sov, or Marmalade Parentheses 2001 (End Parentheses)”

31what would you dream up while I tongue you down?

32scientifically proven; held up in 100% of (one) trials

33Jesus Christ I miss my legs

34“If you want a picture of the future, imagine the cast of Peanuts dancing on a human face forever”

35the distended first-person “you”

36A little too long in the just the right way, a little too simple in just the right way

37this is not, actually, an example of synecdoche; but– in failing to be– isn’t it exactly that?38


39so fast my mind and fingers shave 23 seconds off (each time I write good things about its junk)

40well, an incredibly small but deeply affecting minority, at least


Lesson Plan #26

November 10 2009

One Day You Will Die and that Death Is For Real (And Not Pretend)

An Educator’s Reference Desk Lesson Plan

Submitted by: Sister Daisy Podaidae


Date: March 31, 2009


Where are your students going?: To discover humanity’s terrible secret.

How are they going to get there?: One way or another (barring pre-recognition “sudden death”).

How will you know when they’ve arrived?: When the read out on their Mental Dolorimeter strikes Exquisite Anguish/Bullet Ant of the Mind (on the Voight-Schmidt Sting Index).

Grade Level: 2nd Grade.

Subject: 2nd Grade.

Duration: One (1) class day.


Description: Teach your students that one day they will die and that death is for real.


– Instill recognition of mortality, the resulting value of scarce time, experience and opportunities
– Cultivate practical/applicable notion of infinity, finity, and the stark, terrible smelling difference between the two
– Make those sonsanddaughtersofbitchesandbastards squirt blood tears


– How is this different than goals?
– Is it less abstract, more checklist based?
– Make those sonsanddaughtersofbitchesandbastards sit through this and do it.


– Obituary Section of Local Paper
– Boombox w/ Dual-Cassette Deck
– Radio Station that plays All the Hits of the 50s, 60s, and 70s
– Audio Cassettes– enough for everyone in class (optional)
– Mental Dolorimeter (and all necessary electrodes, wires, bindings)
Labyrinths, by Jorge Luis Borges [El Hacedor? The Book of Sand?]
– Ten (10) gerbils
– Ten (10) knives
– Sensory Deprivation tanks (enough for everyone in class) with Internal Intercom
– Or, barring the budget for SensDep, Those Gel Filled-Blindfolds– enough for everyone in class
– and A Whole Bunch Of Sleeping Bags (extra-padded, with that glossy-ish ripstop exterior shell)– enough to cover, completely, the floor.


Adenosine-5′-triphosphate: a nucleotide that, when no longer produced by the non-functioning brain, causes rigor mortis.
Autolysis: the destruction of a cell by its own enzymes; it is a vital aspect of creating excellent champagne.
Ballistics: the study of the motion of bullets.
Cadaveric spasm: or cataleptic rigidity, a non-rigor stiffening of the muscles that occurs, rarely– usually during violent deaths. A picture of Jerri Blank’s dad.
DNR: Get Out of Coma Free card.
Euthanasia: the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one.
Free Radical: a substance of interest in the case of “How do we Age?”
Glaister Equation: Hours Elapsed since Death = (98.4 – rectal temperature) / 1.5
Gomphertz-Makeham: law by which risk of mortality increases exponentially with age.
Homeostasis: a system that regulates itself in order to maintain stability, order and balance.
Lime: a rock that dissolves human bodies.
Luminol: chemical that is capable of detecting blood, no matter how good you clean it.
Mammalian Diving Reflex: blood is diverted from all organs to the heart and the brain when the face (and just the face) is submerged in cold water, conserving oxygen
Mummification: a corpse whose organs and skin were preserved by an ancient recipe and then bandaged to lock in all eleven secret herbs and spices; DO NOT TAKE ITS JEWELS!
Pathologist: sexy mystery-solving doctor/YYYYYYyyyyyeaaAAAHH!
Pro Patria Mori: loving your country so much you gutter, choke, drown; fumble, as if in lime.
Rigor mortis: one of the stages of death in which absence of adenosine triphosphate causes the corpse to become stiff and difficult to move.
Senescence: even if nothing happens, even if you are the healthiest person on earth, you will still die anyways AS A MATTER OF COURSE.
Serology: the science of serums in the bloodstream.
Thanatos: the death-seeking better half of Eros in Sigmund Freud’s early 20th century neurology fan fics.
Turritopsis Nutricula: the lone exception; the jellyfish turritopsis nutricula is biologically immortal and, unless killed, will not die. Instead, after reproduction, it has the ability to revert itself back to polyp stage, thus recurring its life. “The Beginning is The End is The Beginning,” indeed, Mr. Corgan!


Instructor-led Introduction: Read to students from Borges. Break their brittle little minds with the weight of infinity; leave them susceptible to recognizing death.

Small Group Activity: Divide the class into ten groups, ideally of 2-3 students per group. Give each group a gerbil. Give each group a map of the gerbil with 3 spots marked.

If the students execute your incisions according to the diagram, the gerbil shouldn’t die until each student has had a chance to claim a hand in its passing.

Until you recognize– in action– your ability to take life, how can you weigh seriously you own mortality?

Listening Activity: Using the boombox, tape beforehand a collection of the best death songs from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. This includes, but is not limited to: “Leader of the Pack,” “Tell Laura I Love Her,” “Last Kiss,” “Ode to Billie Joe,” “Seasons in the Sun.” “In The Year 2525,” while not strictly speaking a death song, certainly overwhelms the brain with notions of infinity, human extinction, and the fact that even by the first date they mention Everyone You Know And Love And Could Possibly Ever Know Will Be Long, Long Dead. Bring this tape to class and play for students.

For a better, more easily studied experience, use the second tape deck in your boombox to make a copy of the tape for each of the students.

Whole Group Sharing: While the children are at recess, move the desks and chairs and line the floor with the unzipped sleeping bags. Distribute the masks at a child-size interval. Turn out every light and shut the blinds. Make the room slightly too cold or too warm, whichever it wasn’t outside.

Once they return, instruct your students to lie on the floor and put on the mask or enter their SensDep units and turn on the intercom.

Read to them the following:

When you are dead you will no longer be able to partake in physical existence, but neither will you be able to observe.

You will be dead

but you will be unable to recognize your death.

Your consciousness will cease to create,
and your synapses cease to fire,
but you will be unable to acknowledge this absence.

Stop to think:
Think about being unable to think about being unable to think.
Think about the fact that the world, which until this point had existed only in your conception of it–
only in your persisting observation of its existence–
will not stop existing.

The world which had continued while you slept, to have changed upon your waking, will continue to continue while you can no longer sleep, will still have changed while you can no longer awake to observe its new condition–

People will still lead lives, even the people you know.

You will be unable to receive any feedback about these lives.
You will be unable to receive any feedback, period.
Your story finished, the myriad stories still unraveling will continue to unravel.
Try to think about thinking about these lives.

Try to think about your inability to think about them.

Think about every single life, every single observable phenomena, even those occurring off-screen, happening to the distant kin of friends of friends you never had.

The darkness when you close your eyes, sans the softness of the pillow.

The abdication of heft that your body relents once it climbs under the covers,

sans the softness of blankets.

No comfort, no constraint; not even the feeling of your eliding eyelids placing you there, in sleep:

All that remains is the stasis of body, now permanent, and the loss of thought that


None of this will actually disappear; all of this will exist, but not for you.

End of Thought Exercise

Give it a minute to sink in.
Maybe read it again.

Cosplay: Lighten the mood at the end of the day by having the students dress up as their favorite stage of death!/:

Pallor mortis – paleness that occurs 15-120 minutes after death
Livor mortis – a purplish red discoloration of the skin that occurs due to the heart ceasing to pump blood (starts 20 minutes – 3 hours after death, reaches maximum lividity 6-12 hours)
Algor mortis – steady reduction in body temperature until body matches ambient temp.
Rigor mortis – without ATP (Adenosine triphosphate), the body’s muscles cease to be manipulatable, become stiff
Decomposition – when the tissues of the dead organism break down and return the body’s borrowed matter back to Life; occurs in four phases
Fresh/Autolysis: first few days after death, homeostasis ceases and autolysis begins; acids, gases, and volatile organic compounds are produced; flies.
Putrefaction: odor, color change, bloating; hair sheds, skin becomes slippery, bacteria invades, ditto flies (moreso than before).
Decay: the body cavity ruptures, gases escape and color darkens; bones start to reveal themselves; increased diversity of flies and their children; wax and mummification.
Dry: have you seen the Ghost of John? Long white bones with the last of the soft-tissue removed from the body (Ooh, ooh…)
Skellington – (…oohooh ooh ooh-ooh) wouldn’t it be chilly with no skin on?

Costumed play allows students the Tralfamadorian experience of being their once-and-future selves, alive and dead, in communion.


Useful Internet Resources:

That Budd Dwyer video

Other Resources:

Faces of Death 1, 2, and 4
“Get a Room,” by Jim O’Rourke

What To Do While You Are In Bed, Alone, At Night:

– Cry
– Listen to the tape you made
– Fully embrace your loved one/one you’re with taking bodily note of the entire fullness of the hug, that no further constriction will result in increased proximity, and that soon enough one of you will stop
– Oh no wait, you are by definition alone.

My Dream Vending Machine

October 26 2009

My Dream Vending Machine


A1: Oatmeal Cream Pie (large)

A2: Gummi Bears

A3: Apple Fritter

A4: A perfectly ripened Plum

A5: Cadbury Cream Egg



B1: Nerds Rope

B2: Pistachios (pre-shelled, lightly peppered)

B3: A Snake that smells like my Dad’s Hands

B4: The feeling of tightly-packed Sand beneath my Fingernails

B5: Fried Dough



C1: A series of Invisible Trains that stalk the corridors of A Maze that there is No Way Out Of

C2: Candy Buttons

C3: M&Ms (Peanut)

C4: Falling

C5: Falling as a Direct Result of Explicitly Trying Not to Fall



D1: Circus Peanuts

D2: Circus Tickets by which the Clowns find a way into your Home (at night)

D3: Avocado & Chips

D4: The Police Car from Dr. Leong’s Waiting Room

D5: The Credits from Highway to Heaven ad infinitum / Dried Papaya (alternating)



E1: It’s my Junior High mashed-up with my High School, and I can’t remember (for the life of me) Which Period Is What Class nor Where That Class Could (for the life of me) Be

E2: Gym takes place on the Bank of a Particularly Brackish River and the Locker Room is only 6 Feet Tall (Slanting Down) but, spotted with Latch-Broken Chemical Toilet Stalls, stretches for some long forever.

E3: Grape or Banana Laffy Taffy (alternating)

E4: Your mouth forming Words in my Ear that I for-some-reason Can’t Understand; no tears, but in your eyes you are crying

E5: Butter Finger



F1: I am Crying, Begging my parents Not To Get Divorced; they have no idea what I am talking about But Agree To Stay Together Anyways

F2: Crocodile in the House!

F3: Did I Actually Kill Someone In Real Life? I wake up multiple times (in the dream) to find that I have in fact and that this is not a dream and that my life is irrevocably changed as a result of my Action

F4: Delicious Cape Cod Chips

F5: Peeing (on Accident)



G1: Peeing (on Purpose)

G2: You Fucking Somebody Else

G3: General Facelesness

G4: Lion in the House!

G5: Shark Bites / Gushers (alternating)



H1: Wint-o-Green Lifesavers

H2: Wint-o-Green Lifesavers (partially unwrapped)

H3: Wint-o-Green Lifesavers (that smell like my dad’s hands, pocket)

H4: Animal Crackers

H5: The Things We Did And Didn’t Do

H6: Lifesavers Classic 5-Color Roll

H7: The Synaesthetic Conflation of the Feeling of Winding my Childhood Music Box and its  Stuttered Strains of “You Are My Sunshine”/Wint-o-Green Lifesavers (alternating)

Where Did All The Time Go?

August 30 2009

Where DID All The Time Go?

…Outsourced to India, spent answering “which button is the internet?”

…Chris Isaak Show marathon

…UFO took it

…There’s a hole in the bucket list

…3rd & Bell– there’s a huge, gross stack of it

…16% Eating; 31% Sleeping; 45% Crying and/or On The Toilet; 8% Will & Grace Reruns

…Pogo’d away

…Spent doing no doubt important, rewarding work

…Spent leading a rich and satisfying social life

…Spent trying to buy more of it

…Spent making lists

…Traded at deadline for aging power pitcher

…Ran away and it never came back, wrong way down a one-way track1

…Homonymily misplaced between parsley, sage, rosemary and tumeric

…Pretty much went their separate ways after Morris Day left

…So steadily wasted that you never noticed it depleting

…Literally pissed away– peed on its face until it got up and left

…Swam against tide in the Fountain of Youth

…Spent it all on furtive glances, wishful thinking, and wax novelty lips– these things add up, you know.




1I’m sorry, that’s where “All The Trains” went.