The Afinity Sonnet*
A ride from which there is no buck,
*As inspired by the closing couplet of September 28, 2009‘s entry.
The Afinity Sonnet*
A ride from which there is no buck,
*As inspired by the closing couplet of September 28, 2009‘s entry.
Answering All Of Your Zen Koans
What is the Sound of One Hand Clapping? By definition it takes two hands to clap. Faulty question. Next.
If a Tree Falls in the Woods and No One is Around to Hear It (Does It Make A Sound)? Leave a tape recorder in the woods. It’s not a person so the “no one around” qualification is met. It will definitively measure any present sounds. Duh/Next.
Has the Dog a Buddha Nature? Depends on the dog. Need more specifics.
The World is Vast and Wide. Why do you put on your Robes at The Sound of a Bell? Non-sequitur. Quoth the Pterodactyl LP Player, “it’s a living.”
Nan-in pours tea for the professor and when the cup is full keeps on pouring. The professor protests, “It has overflown. No more will go in.” Nan-in rebuts, “like this cup you are full of your own opinions. How can I teach you Zen unless you empty your cup?”? Tea is hot. The professor is right not to empty his cup until Nan-in stops pouring as he does not want to burn his hand.
Shuzan held out his short staff and said, “If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?” A short staff.
Wakuan complained when he saw a picture of bearded Bodhidharma, “Why hasn’t that fellow a beard?” Hey. Dum-dum. You JUST SAID HE HAD A BEARD. Contradictory! Also: trying too hard. Feels forced. D- work, Wakuan. See me after class.
Getsuan said to this students: `Keichu, the first wheel-maker of China, made two wheels of fifty spokes each. Now, suppose you removed the nave uniting the spokes. What would become of the wheel? And had Keichu done this could he be called the master wheel-maker?’ 1. It would be much less structurally sound. 2. No. Absolutely not. He would be one of the worst wheel-makers– an apprentice, tops.
How would you speak with your mouth shut? Through puppets. It’s called ventriloquism. It’s back in a big way and it brought along its vaudevillian friend, Creepy Ethnic Grotesques. (Sad).
A monk asked Tozan, “How can we escape the cold and heat?” Tozan replied, “Why not go where there is no cold and heat?” “Is there such a place?” the monk asked. Tozan commented, “When cold, be thoroughly cold; when hot, be hot through and through.” “Like the McDLT?” the monk felt out. “Precisely,” Tozan extrapolated, “The sandwich in and of itself was ‘cool,’ while it also contributed to global ‘warm’ing. Bonus.”
Yunmen used the staff to instruct the assembly and said, “The staff changes and becomes a dragon. However, it swallows Heaven and Earth completely! Mountains, rivers, and the great earth—from where are they able to come?” The agglomeration of dust and other particles in space, I think. I forget. Gravity is involved, and stars probably. It’s been a long time since I was in college.
Betty or Veronica? Jughead. Come on, Arch– don’t Larry Craig these broads.
A student once asked: “If I haven’t anything in my mind, what shall I do?”
Joshu replied: “Throw it out.”
“But if I haven’t anything, how can I throw it out?” continued the questioner.
“Well,” said Joshu, “maybe you forgot to STAMP it!” and then he stomped on his foot.
Unleash Your Hidden Potential
Use Your Backwards Name!
The point is: eating is completely unessential; what is necessary is exercise. Here is your new menu:
Breakfast – 8 miles (running)
Wear Your Yar-X Glasses!
And don’t limit your experiments to just those that are swallowable = Be Risk Diverse!
1All other horses are pretend, dreamed into existence by the original horse, which itself was long since beaten to death to stave off loneliness, boredom. Ironically, it was beaten with a common claw hammer– not a staff! Nor a plank from a barrel.
2An eye so lazy that it emits coherent light!
3Way smarter, and more ambitious, and better looking, and tastes better, than those so-called ‘evolutionarily perfect’ beetles.
4The one in the mall with the ‘Specialty Glassware’ Store.
5Organs are buildings, capillaries and arteries transportation; veins sewer, nerves electric, and viruses terrifying monsters.
6“On Toxicity– or, How the Government Keeps You UnCUREd through Munchausen-by-Proxy” [Conscientious Ultimate Realization Entity]
7An experience so intense they could only sustain it for 20 years or so, 30 tops/Legitimacy-Intensified Freedoming Epiphenomena
9Castration Resistant Achievement Procurer
10Strive Past Lesser Aptitude Traps?
11Just yelling here, not an acronym.
12Trying to have ’tilde brackets = sarcasm markers’ catch on. Please, pass it along, please!
13Snakes-in-the-grass Halting Advancing Mankind’s Evolution
These Songs Would Be Beloved Pop Songs Of Universal Renown If They Hadn’t Had The Misfortune Of Having Been Written/Performed By John Cale
Fear Is A Man’s Best Friend
I’m Not The Loving Kind
I Keep A Close Watch
Big White Cloud
Taking It All Away
Child’s Christmas In Wales
You Know More Than I Know
Leaving It Up To You*
All I Want Is You
*Well, maybe not.
Let’s Just Stick To “Yo’ Momma,” Okay?
$ Yo’ Daddy hits so hard that all the kids in school call you Rawlings.
$ Yo’ Daddy so short that yo’ momma cheated on him with like 12 different guys!
$ Yo’ Daddy so dumb your decent-but-not-spectacular report card sends him into ‘a mood’; he offers to let your trimestral alter-ego, Mr. Big Shot, pay for spaghetti dinner.
$ Yo’ Daddy teeth so jacked that it is obvious that his daddy couldn’t provide full dental either.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat that when he sits around the house he is typically also drinking a lot and eating poorly.
$ Yo’ Daddy so drunk you exist.
$ Yo’ Daddy so closeted the only gift you ever found hunting for Christmas presents was a box full of erotic correspondence between him and another man. With pictures!
$ Yo’ Daddy so poor he had to take out a loan to buy your family house but then he couldn’t pay back the loan and your family house was foreclosed on by the bank and he is about to lose your family house.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat his prima noshing rights, feudal dinners are starting to have a visible effect on you and your siblings’ diet.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat when you grow up you wanna be a geneticist.
$ Yo’ Daddy so racist that, even though he puts up a liberal front– votes Democrat, donates to the ACLU, expresses appropriate disgust with absolute bigots, Fox News– he was definitely not OK with yo’ sister dating that Puerto Rican guy. I mean, in Yo’ Daddy’s defense, the kid was as close to a gang-banger as you can get in an affluent east coast suburb, but I’m pretty sure Yo’ Daddy didn’t know that.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat that he molested a bunch of kids just so they could go to trial and he could finally get a description of what his dick looks like.
$ Yo’ Daddy smell so nasty I don’t think he’s showered once since Mom died.
$ Yo’ Daddy so young he probably ain’t gonna stick around much longer; weekends tops.
$ Yo’ Daddy so gifted his abandonment of you and yo’ mother– physically, emotionally, financially– can be completely forgiven– and will be if you (and yo’ mother) don’t want to be known as malcontented and pathetic attention whores by the public at large!
$ Yo’ Daddy so brazen all of Chinatown considers him a fire hazard.
$ Yo’ Daddy so Raven he serves as a constant reminder that you, too, can be replaced, supplanted.
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat he puts the “fat” back in father.
$ Yo’ Daddy such a bad provider that Clearwire looks up to HIM.
$ Yo’ Daddy so resourceful he found a way to punish you using only a kitchen sponge, spilt gatorade, and a poster of Michael Jordan.
$ Yo’ Daddy so effective you’ve never felt a moment’s joy in your entire life.
$ Yo’ Daddy so racist that once he expressed skepticism about affirmative action with an undercurrent of resentment that it would now take longer for him, as a white man, to get promoted, and– as a direct result of that dinner table conversation– you turned into a skinhead fuck, and you killed a guy (super grossly, too), and while you were in prison your brother turned into a skinhead fuck, and later he gets killed, maybe because he killed a guy, or did something, I forget, but the point is it’s all your fault, which, in turn, is all your dad’s fault for saying something critical about public policy re: race.
$ Yo’ Daddy so broke not even an x-ray could fix him!
$ Yo’ Daddy so fat he’s a fucking embarrassment.
Baseball Teams Are Named Inaccurately
The Boring League East:
Atlanta Braves – UNACCEPTABLE – The people of the Peach State are known neither for their heroism nor the size of their American Indian population. And while I enjoy a good minstrel show as much as the next person,2 there’s something distinctly unappealing about a bunch of white folks emulating our most-feared and hated foes.3 A more relevant alternative? Well I hear Martin Luther King used to hang out in Atlanta a bunch, and visibly liking him is a great way to prove you’re not racist. Better late than never, right?4 I dub thee the Atlanta Kings.
Florida Marlins – FINE – The 199(6) expansion goes two-for-two as this coastal ‘big game’ fish is a passable representative of our most peninsular state. Not intimidating in any conceivable way, it does, at least, have a sword for a nose, which is cool, and awesome. Also: turquoise!
New York Mets – UNACCEPTABLE – So you’ve decided to name your team after the idea of an extremely large city (or collection of cities + suburbs). Convenient, seeing as you are just such a city. It’s an ok play, if not a little pork-handed5— faced with competing with a much beloved older sibling, the much bemoaned younger sibling names itself after itsparentself. Ok, so the analogy got a bit baloney-mitts’d, the point is: naming your team, directly or indirectly, after your city itself = tacky. So whither the Mets? I say the adopted birthplace of Hillary Clinton is the perfect place to take on the phallocentric and male chauvinist world of sports appellations. The New York Queens or, if I may bend my own rules a bit for all the lovely ladies of Flushing, the Queens Queens.
Philadelphia Phillies – WE CAN DO BETTER – Really? The Philadelphia Phillies? What is that short for– the Philadelphia Philadelphians? Didn’t I just get through explaining this to the Mets and then, subsequently, completely reneging on what I said? Don’t name yourself after yourself? At least they had the lack of creativity to abstract it a layer or two. Jeez, Philadelphia. What kind of sick combination of narcissism and low self-esteem leads you to name a team after yourself just so you can huck batteries at it? What are you– me?
Washington Nationals – UNACCEPTABLE – Abstraction is not acceptable; this is not soccer. Your team cannot be named ‘A Concept’. Concrete, physical, intimidating, and dick-shaped: the Washington (Washington!) Monument is everything a good team name should be. And sure, it’s probably marble, but– still!– the Washington Obelisks would be an awesome name. Also, it’s Mascot: would loom over all opponents, causing geniticular dismay in even the girthiest of opponents.
1The league names are also wrong. Not factually– the national league does have teams spanning the nation, the American League’s teams are all at least in North America, if not necessarily the United States of– but insofar as they are non-specific, fail to differentiate. Baseball enthusiasts affectionately refer to the two leagues as the Junior Circuit (AL) and Senior Circuit (NL), reflecting the fact that the American League is only 108 years old to the National League’s 133, but that is far too precious, and nerdy, and slight a distinction to rely on for an official title. Instead let’s call them the Boring League (NL) and the Not As Boring League (AL), as in regards to the fact that one league makes you deal with double-switches, and pitcher strategy, and a rally-killing 9th line-up slot, while the other does away with that nonsense and, instead, gorilla glues a bat into the hands of some borderline-obese, semi-crippled, rapidly-aging three-outcomes guy with biceps the size (in inches) of his age (ideally 35-38) and lets him swing-and-take away. Sure, there may, as a result, be way fewer guys ‘running’ the bases in windbreakers; but that’s more than made up for in 3-RBI singles.
In conclusion: this isn’t soccer; running is a punishment for leaving the ball in play.